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My husband reacts to any distress I have with anger, annoyance and frustration
This 100%. When the wife sneezes or sniffles i’m there with the tissues and liquid and support like it’s the flu and all it was is allergies. Bad day, just need a hug or a cry? A domesticated Emotional support husband appears. Point is if she needs something I’m there, I’m always there to support her, and she supports me in kind. I can’t imagine lacking in empathy toward her at all, his total lack of it isn’t just a huge red flag it’s going to kill you fam, take care of yourself first OP.
A domesticated emotional support husband 😂 a human Pokémon, first edition and worth so much.
Damnnnnn. Lucky woman you have!
Oh fuck, that cuts right into the meat of the issue. No lies detected.
My dad was like this. My mother was always catering - walking on egg shells around my dad. My dad was an explosive frustrated angry bully.
OP's husband does this too. After the Ovarian rupture - he only cared and showed concern because other people were around and it would have looked really really bad - (His high and mighty image of himself was put into question) if he had been a dick to you then.
He says belittling things like "Why are you always causing problems?" - translation why are you always causing ME problems.
Yeah... to tell you what happened to my dad and mom's relationship - my mom adored my dad did everything she could to make it work - make him happy.
My dad cheated on her because and he claimed he found his "soulmate" however his fling didn't end up like that - the woman ditched him. My mother on the other hand was distraught & emotionally dysregulated after it happened.
If he's using divorce as a threat. Divorce his ass. You are catering to an adult man child and its going to bite you in the ass. Like what happened to my mom...
Also the only family thing. Don't worry about it. My mom had a horrible relationship with her family too. You are strong enough to say no. Get a divorce. Move out and get a dog or cat or something. Trust me. Also if you have children - his anger is going to make the children - cater and walk on eggshells too. It can cause the children to have CPTSD and fawning responses & other problems.
If you don't have children - it doesn't sound like you do - Count your blessings that you have nothing to tie you down to this person. GET OUT. Heal yourself. And maybe find a man that is not going to turn into an explosive 5 year old when you have a medical emergency.
Sounds like my family to the T. You speak up, disagree with them, ask for them to respect your verbal/mental and maybe physical boundaries, ask for kindness it’s an issue or a problem. It’s frustrating, VERY draining and unhealthy. It’s like being stuck in an ongoing cycle every time you speak with them. Thinking of you also 💛💛
I wouldn't say he's like a child, few children have the capacity to be this cruel.
Came here to say exactly this, which is heartbreaking.
It's not easy for a spouse when we have the issues that we do but we all deserve someone to support us or leave if they can't.
Last week I had a mental break. I was on/off with panic attacks for 2 days. I'm lucky that my doctor got me in and gave me additional meds to help. It was scary, I've never had that happen before.
My husband drove me to the walk in clinic, which helped me get an appt with my doctor, he was there to support me and distract me when needed.
I know he didn't fully understand what was going on, he was scared that he was going to lose his wife. He was there for me, he was not afraid to cry and hug me.
That is what OP and everyone else here deserves. Someone who tries to understand and at the very least, just support us through these very real issues.
OP, I know you said you don't have anyone else. Is that because of your husband? Don't answer here, just to yourself. Are you able to have friends? Does he pick fights or up your anxiety before you go to do something you like?
You need to think long and hard if he is weaponizing your mental health issues against you to keep you dependent on him. So he can always have his punching bag around when he needs to let off steam.
He is also gaslighting you. You are not wrong in what you experience. I believe you when you say he gets angry at you.
Second that... I was thinking what's so great about this relationship...
It's the façade.
Our society cares more about the appearance of the relationship, than the actual reality of it. And as thus, we're conditioned to place value on the romanticised veneer, and endure any and all misgivings outside of that.
And as thus, a person can say they have a great relationship if it checks the boxes for the veneer, regardless of the actual experience you're having.
It's a complex issue that ties into the Patriarchy, and bare minimum expectations for men to secure a wife post the era of women and children being viewed as property. Sigh.
Tldr: my first thought was also "no, you do not have a good relationship", not if emotional well-being and safety/feeling secure are markers for "good".
Yeah this dude is shit.
I gasp in pain my partner rushes over to see if I need help, and I the same for them. It's what caring humans do.
Are you supposed to live your life with dude "I want a divorce you made a pain sound how dare you inconvenience me" the rest of your life?
I dealt with people like this. It’s not easy but moving on is an option. Find the love you deserve.
This ^
This x2
This one stings. We're having a great time, unless I disagree. Then he sulks and I fawn.
Sit him down and let him read all of these comments.
His behavior during and afterwards will tell you all you need to know.
Please, please do everything in your power not to have babies with this guy. Kids are always in distress over scraped knees, hungry stomachs, the fact that you left the room to go pee…he will traumatize the heck out of children and probably abandon you to take care of children completely alone with your health problems and everything.
As a child of such a father I cannot upvote this enough.
Your husband doesn't like you. It doesn't matter how good the good times are, this man is going to kill you through medical neglect. This man does not like you.
It's beyond not liking them. I would never decline driving someone I don't like to a healthcare practitioner if they had a medical emergency, and I don't think anyone reasonable would.
I agree. : ( Most people would even drive someone they didn't like at all, to get help for a medical emergency. I would.
Have you thought that your panic attacks and health problems may be also a reaction to the way you are being treated in this relationship? I'm saying that because I'm going through this myself - I usually put all the weight on past trauma when some shitty treatment is happening on a daily basis right under my nose. Of course I'd be anxious, it's normal human reaction that gets invalidated because I'm "sick" (that label is so sticky).
My husband seems to be more passive-agressive and condescending than your husband and sometimes is hard to pin, but in the cases you described he clearly lacks empathy big time (to say the least).
The "am I crazy" feeling is a sign you are being gaslighted, so be aware because it's very hard to keep emotionally stable with someone like that is sharing your routine.
That was the first thing that popped into my head. “I bet splitting up with him Would cure her panic attacks.”
Panic attacks don’t just occur out of nowhere for no reason. I think he is distressing her with that circular “logic” they used to frustrate you. Which distracts you from his behavior. You’re not feeling heard or cared for so you start to get anxious and because he’s incapable of offering comfort, anxiety escalates to panic attack.
Yes!! It definitely does contribute to the emotional distress, and also aids in strengthening the “trauma bond”, especially in the sense that if she’s sick and incapable of functioning, she’ll be more reliant on him. The power dynamic will always be in his favor because an abuser wants to be in control of their partner. An abused person will practically have no choice but to stick around, and the cycle of abuse will continue on and the “trauma bond” will strengthen. I’ve had several experiences where I almost instantly felt better after spending time away from an abusive person.
Second this. I developed chronic pain and unexplained anxiety during the last year and a half of my relationship with my ex. Took a long time to understand that I was simply sensing the danger that my conscious mind was in denial about.
It’s not ok for him to be treating you like that
So he's great when life is all sunshine and rainbows, but he completely abandons you and treats you like shit when you need him the most??
My ex has anger issues, and a lot of what you wrote about your husband's reactions sounds similar to him. When I need him and my family the most, it's "too stressful" for them. So, I have to emotionally support them through my traumatic experiences while receiving zero support myself.
We deserve so much better!!
Omg yes to having to "emotionally support them through my traumatic experiences". So painful, isolating and resentment building.
Omg. You summed up my experience exactly which I’ve never been able to articulate. Thank you. And I’m sorry you have to go through that
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7mo
This answer really resonated with me. I’ve had problems (and sometimes still do) with my husband when I’m showing emotion or pain. I have a lot of health problems and his reactions to those have been not the best. Without going into a lot of detail (bc I feel like that would take forever) we ended up doing marriage counseling and I found out a lot of info and context about why he reacts that way.
When he was very young, there were a lot of rampant and dysfunctional emotional reactions in his household. To the point where he learned that showing emotion is dangerous. So when he would see me showing emotion (even crying at a movie) he would become uncomfortable and the way it would show itself was to become frustrated with me. In this case it was saying “it’s only a movie” in a tone which suggested I was being foolish. Some of his reactions to other times when I was in the hospital seemed incredibly cruel (and in some ways they were) but once I understood where they came from, I at least could see why they happened.
None of this is to say those reactions were right. He’s done a lot of work on himself and I’ve worked too. We still have issues. But I know him to be a good person. I think that’s part of why these episodes were so upsetting for me. They were so at odds with the other sides of him that I saw as being helpful and caring to people.
I think for the OP, they’ll have to try to look at the rest of their relationship and see if they think these reactions fit into a more complete picture of him that could border on abuse or if they otherwise have a pretty good relationship that just needs some work.
I was scrolling down to see if there was an answer like yours that I could add my experience to and had room for nuance that is so often lacking in some of the knee-jerk reactions that sometimes occur on social media. Thanks for taking the time to give such a reasonable response. It’s more of what we need to see.
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7mo
Sorry, but you sound like the type of person that literally every person on earth needs in their family to make this world a better place to live <3
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7mo
You deserve them <3 your comments are so warm and supportive I felt calm just by reading them. I can tell you're a very patient and understanding person and it's so refreshing.
Yeah, I left a fiancé over this. He had not emotional capacity even when I was in therapy, group, etc. He was not supportive and I even had a full time career job…
I more than covered my own way, he was greedy and selfish. I needed some emotional support… he wasn’t capable of being encouraging or helping… at all. He at least would appear at something at best but not pick up my shattered heart, or if I was mad at something or anything. Feelings were apparently bad.
I was used to choosing men who “accepted” me but nothing more. Thanks shitty childhood and abusive parents. The gift that keeps on giving.
Sorry to say but that is typical narcissistic behavior. You need to get away from him before your condition worsens like mine did.
This is distressing to read. I hope you never experience a prolonged illness like cancer because he will be out the door. He is not there for you in sickness and in health, and cannot be relied on especially in moments of weakness, which is when you need your partner the most- it’s kind of one of the tenets of marriage/partnerships.
I’m sorry but this seems like an extremely unhealthy relationship for you. You deserve to be treated better.
No. I say this with kindness. This is not a healthy relationship and your husband is not a good husband. My girlfriend and future wife would DIE before she behaved the way your husband is. I say this with confidence because I am the person who has CPTSD in my relationship along with a host of other mental illnesses.
Completely agree with all of this! OP it saddens me to see you second guessing yourself and asking yourself what you’re doing wrong etc when it is so clear from the outside he is dismissive and cruel.
His behaviour is not at all normal. It may well be a trauma reaction but that doesn’t excuse it at all. I saw, very rarely, this kind of reaction from my own partner (who also has trauma) and when it happened he was really upset to see he had hurt me and it was a wake up call for him to go into therapy to learn to manage his trauma in a healthier way. Your husbands dismissive attitude even after the fact and unwillingness to discuss when you’ve been hurt is also abusive.
I am also the one who has CPTSD, neurodivergence, and some other mental health issues. My husband is nothing but kind and supportive, especially when I'm having a hard time or dealing with health problems.
My ex-husband was emotionally distant and selfish, and even he would never behave in this way!
This isn’t a healthy relationship, your husband showed you who he is over and over again, he isn’t this kind, calm and stable person he pretends to be or wants you to believe. When you’re in distress, this is who he actually is. This man is going to destroy you.
I feel like I’m going crazy. What am I doing to cause such a reaction? Is it all in my head?
Hey there. You're not doing anything wrong, and I'm confident it's not in your head. This is all about your husband. For whatever reason, your distress triggers distress in him, which manifests as anger towards you. When we get triggered, something in the present activates trauma baggage that we're carrying from the past - like a spark igniting gasoline. The spark isn't the problem - it's all the gasoline that we're carrying.
So while it seems like he's reacting to the present, he's actually reacting to the past (without knowing it). This is why he can be his loving self one minute, and then be so angry towards you the next.
As you've found, there isn't much you can do to fix what he's carrying. He would need to recognize that there's an issue, and then start doing self-work (e.g. good trauma-informed therapy) to address his wounds. This is, unfortunately, often a tough sell - particularly with males due to how we're acculturated.
I hope this helps a bit, and I wish you all the best 🙏
This may (or may not) help to explain the husband's behavior, but it offers nothing meaningfully helpful to OP.
I can psychologically analyze my abusive ex-husband's behavior all day long, in painful detail, but understanding what may have contributed to his behavior did absolutely nothing to change it.
Maybe this man would benefit from trauma-informed therapy, or maybe it would simply supply him with new lingo and tools to escalate his abuse and be more effectively manipulative. We do not know enough about this man to make this kind of diagnosis.
Abuse is not just trauma based, it is also ideological. Not all abusive people have suffered trauma, and not all traumatized people behave badly when triggered. Why are we assuming that this man is traumatized? Anger and reactivity can have many sources, including one's sense of entitlement and belief systems around gender and relationships.
Bottom line OP - your husband is treating you badly. He is not fulfilling your needs, respecting you, taking care of you, or being fair to you. He is behaving selfishly, horribly, and in ways that are actively harming you.
When we got home, he slammed the door on me. When I asked what was wrong? He completely freaked out at me, yelling, cursing, telling me he needs to fucking sleep and he can’t believe I’m bothering him.
This is not how you treat someone that you love. Period.
This. There is so much misinformation and fundamental misunderstanding about domestic abuse. Abuse (like what is happening to OP, and like what I too, endured, some of it medical, in strikingly similar ways) is in fact not correlated in abusers, to any higher likelihood of childhood trauma, nor is it related statistically to any higher instance of mental-health disorders (including Narcissism and other personality disorders) among perpetrators. Domestic abuse can of course be perpetrated by those who were traumatized as kids. But most who have experienced childhood trauma never go on to abuse a partner.
Domestic violence is a symptom of neither trauma nor MH diagnoses, nor stress, nor is it a reaction to anything wrong the victim is doing, nor is it an "anger issue." Rather, it is a choice to control the less powerful in personal relationships, exploiting power imbalance (asymmetry of kinds including gendered, physical, economic, social/familial, cultural/religious, shelter-based/logistical, pregnancy/parenting-based, or health/ability-related), purposefully leveraging the victim's need for safety, support, autonomy and dignity against the abuser's power and willingness to deprive her of those things. Abuse relies on inequality, controlling and diminishing a victim through the asymmetrical power to incite fear, pain and/or shame.
As abuse gets more severe over time, and because victims become increasingly isolated and ill over time, the best course of action (when safely possible) is for the victim to leave ASAP and seek abuse/trauma-informed individual therapy and group support through a domestic-violence center/shelter. (That group support is everything!)
The perpetrator, if he wants to repair the relationship, and has the desire and capacity to account for his actions, educate himself and relinquish the privilege and entrenched attitudes that give rise to the abuse, can seek out (and pay, put-of-pocket, for) a high-quality program for abusers. But the numbers of DV perpetrators who take the work up with the courage, self-insight and humility needed to succeed long-term in overcoming abusiveness are low.
Therapy for the abuser, while still in the relationship--most especially if he denies or seeks to excuse or downplay the abuse, or cast himself as victim--and especially couples' therapy for abusive relationships, is not recommended (and is in fact warned against). It can enable abusers, normalize the abuse, and blame, gaslight or re-traumatize the victim. And if the abuse is recognized, called out challenged by the couples' therapist, it can even place the victim in danger.
For the best informed, professional information available about domestic abuse and abusers (like, sadly and in solidarity, what you're experiencing, OP), read Lundy Bancroft's works, starting with "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." Another excellent work of his (addressing the painful quandary faced by those just realizing they're in love with an abuser) is called "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"
So spot on, thank you for taking the time to explain this in such great detail. I hope OP sees this.
Yes, It is not OP's job to analyse him or find excuses for him. Always look at the behaviour as is. This sounds like a godawful situation. If OP could remove themselves from it for a while perhaps then they can think straight and see how it feels. Talking to someone neutral would be helpful as well, for clarity.
This might sound sad, but it is the first time I am seeing a mental health practitioner who ACTUALLY spends their time analysing people and helping them. This is so cool. I come from a country where mental health is so stigmatised. It makes me so happy seeing people in medical field that are so passionate about their job that they’re willing to research topics of interest on Reddit and have discussions with people. Kudos to you! ❤️
Yeah, this is an explanation. BUT, that doesn't justifiy his current behavior and right now he is emotionally and psychologically abusive. HE IS ABUSIVE. She should divorce him since he should work on his shit alone before being in any relationship.
OP should read 'Why he does that?' from Lundy Bancroft, it would help her to open her eyes to what kind of person her husband is.
I don’t recall anyone suggesting his behavior was “justified”
The commenter was suggesting he seek therapy, potentially while still together to get to the bottom of it. Even if the abuser is seeking therapy, it's very dangerous for the victim to stay. It often backfires and the abuser learns to manipulate better. Abusers needs to work on themselves BY themselves.
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7mo
Did you read what she wrote? He yells and screams at her. Slams doors at her. She has a panic attack and then he makes her sleep on the couch. He threatens divorce for her being in pain.
That’s abuse. He hasn’t hit her. Doesn’t mean he’s not abusive.
This has gone past triggered behavior into abuse. OP's husband is pretty consistently antagonistic towards any and every single need OP has, no matter how small, until or unless his image is affected, as evidenced by the time her doctor mentioned she almost died and that's when he suddenly developed compassion. That's more than just traumatic baggage.
This kind of psychoanalysis and sympathy for his abuse, and yes it is abuse, only serves to keep OP trapped in a relationship that is actively harming her.
We can have compassion for abusers, when we aren't under their control and have healed from the damage they cause, not while they're actively abusing us. Advising someone who is still in an abusive relationship to be compassionate towards their abuser's choices to cause harm acts as invalidation. Please be careful of the effect your advice has on those that need to leave abusive environments.
THIS
I'm not sure where you see compassion for him - or any suggestion that the OP be compassionate towards him - in my post.
My contention would be that abuse, by definition, only occurs when a perpetrator's past trauma is triggered. But that in no way makes abuse any less abhorrent.
My contention would be that abuse, by definition, only occurs when a perpetrator’s past trauma is triggered
Your contention is wrong, and harmful. Yes, some people are abusive because they had an abusive upbringing and they’re repeating behavior that was modeled for them, or acting from a triggered place. In those cases, trauma therapy can be helpful if they truly want to change their behavior, and I’d wager most people this applies to do feel ashamed of their behavior and want to change.
However, plenty of abusers don’t come from a traumatic background, and they’re abusive because they feel entitled to be - not because they’re triggered. Fundamentally, it’s a problem with their core beliefs and value systems with regard to relationships, not just a problem with their behavior. Trauma therapy and anger management doesn’t help those types of abusers and in a lot of cases, it will only give them additional tools to abuse with. They need a good program for abusers that challenges their problematic and entitled belief systems, but even with that, most abusers like this are uninterested in making lasting changes because they’re comfortable with their behavior and don’t see a problem with it.
I highly recommend reading “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft (someone linked a free pdf elsewhere in the thread).
Another reply that made the point I'm aiming at, but in much fewer words!, and with the same author reference ❤️🙏❤️
Respectfully, that is not correct. Trauma does not cause abuse, anymore than trauma causes racist exploitation, homophobic attacks or college date-rape (and it doesn't). As Dv expert Lundy Bancroft points out in his seminal books on domestic violence, abusers are not statistically any more likely than non-abusers to have suffered past trauma; conversely, neither trauma-sufferers nor those with any kind of MH diagnoses--are any more likely than the rest of the population to be abusers.
Domestic abuse is not an "out-of-control" reaction to a trigger; as Bancroft explains, if it were, the violence couldn't be reserved for one's partner, behind closed doors, but would be unleashed, willy-nilly, with serious consequences for the abuser--upon any and all kinds of triggering people (such as one's boss, dad, friends, the guy at the DMV, judges, police, etc.) For most perpetrators, DV is reserved exclusively for one's partner and/or children, specifically because these vulnerable targets are not felt to be dangerous or likely to fight back, because the abuse can be kept secret, because there are usually few consequences affecting the abuser's social status, reputation, money or freedom, and because the perpetrator feels he has the right to control these people in his life, as if they were his possessions or livestock.
Abuse relies on inequality and is a (conscious or unconscious, but nevertheless active, perpetrator-initiated) choice, made to exploit power asymmetry, stemming not from unhealed pain but from an entrenched attitude of entitlement to control the more vulnerable. Though anyone with power over a loved one can abuse (and while DV occurs among all gender identities especially within LGBTQ+ communities),
When in the case of monogamous, cis./hetero couples, the abuser is much more often the man in the relationship, exploiting pervasive gender privilege, and often possessing the power to kill his partner with his bare hands, or deprive her of transportation and communication devices, or financially ruin her, or leave her with no housing, or leave her an isolated pregnant woman with no prenatal support, or abandon her to care solo and unsupported for their young child, or (after years of abuse) discard her and leave her a deeply mentally and physically ill person, with no support network left, suffering PTSD-induced panic attacks, emotional dysregulation, trauma-bonded grief and depression/adrenal exhaustion so severe it can leave her bed-bound, unrecognizable even to herself.
The distinction between trauma reaction and abuse is so important, because where PTSD is the result of past victimization or terror, is something happening to its victim (rather than something designating its victim danger to others) is something that can and should be healed, for the sufferer's sake, and is very often the result of domestic abuse,
In contrast, domestic abuse is a behavioral choice to exploit, hurt, demean and control a person who at some point was led to believe they could trust the perpetrator to provide love and support. Abusiveness is neither an injury nor an illness, but an act of betrayal, causing injury and illness to others. And regarding the abusive behavior, rather than trauma-based therapy that could enable and excuse, distract from accountability, and collude with the perpetrator in casting himself in his favorite role (as victim), DV perpetrators need cultural and social re-education, not so they can feel better or "heal" (as most often, DV perpetrators never held to account are quite functional, and would be considered much more mentally "well," esp. over time, than their partners),
but so they can examine and account for the harm they've caused, choose to stop making others ill, and support the healing of their victims. Then, if they have some childhood issues or struggles of their own, they can explore and address those with honor, without getting their own pain tangled up with their victims'.
I appreciate your response, but I'm quite sure that you and I have very different definitions of trauma. As I define it, I have no doubt I could find a trauma history in any abuser (domestic or otherwise).
Saying that a person's behavior is rooted in trauma doesn't absolve them of responsibility, which is a key point that I could have made clear up front.
I agree with this.
Patrick Teahan has a 1-2-3 Process from his mentor that is helpful for couples when this happens. He'd have to be open to doing the process though.
Taking notes from this post and just saved this vid for later.
This is absolutely the most likely answer. It happens to me with my children and I’m working SO HARD in therapy because I don’t want to be this way. He needs some help
Hey sweetie…you are not too much, you are not wrong, and you don’t deserve to be treated this way.
If you have the financial resources to do so (or a trusted friend you can stay with), I would consider leaving the house for a few days. I would tell your husband you are going, let him know where you will be and when you expect to return. If he asks why, tell him you need some space because his reaction to your panic attack was a cause for concern. If he acts out, leave immediately & call or text in a few hours if you feel like that would be helpful.
Frankly, I give zero shits that your panic attack & medical emergencies are upsetting to him. Emergencies are upsetting to everyone, and mature humans need to have the coping skills in those situations to not make it about them, but rather support the person having the emergency. If he lacks those skills, he shouldn’t be married or in a relationship at all — everyone has emergencies sometimes. Everyone needs support sometimes. If he is truly too broken to respond in an appropriate way, regardless of the reason why, he is not a safe partner for you or really for anyone. Being mean to someone having a medical emergency is fucked up, period.
He gaslights you and you’re walking on eggshells and he’s very dismissive of physical pain and ailments you have. To be honest this doesn’t sound like a great relationship.
I’ve found being alone better than being with someone who behaves this way. I’ve removed people like this from my life and stopped trying to explain my physical/mental struggles with people who are dismissive.
I used to say to myself, but they care about/love me, maybe they just don’t understand. Maybe if I explain better they will get it. I would spend so much time and energy trying to have them understand and they would still be dismissive and act like it was my fault I couldn’t do certain things.
Then after years of therapy I stopped trying to explain to these people who were closest to me. I simply started removing them and my life is so much better for it. The stress level of walking around on eggshells and trying to advocate for myself daily and having my pain and mental health struggles minimized, it’s amazing how much better physically I have felt too.
We don’t always realize the stress we love under as a part of survival until we remove those stresses. I don’t know how I used to handle the level of stress I had for so many years. But now my piece of mind is worth more to me than pleasing people like this.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. His outbursts sound like they are in emotional abuse territory. Took me years after leaving my ex to understand this and recognize I was a victim.
Leaving especially when you have no support system is really hard and might feel impossible. There is a national hotline for domestic violence and there might be one locally for you too. They can help with options and making a plan when/if you’re ready. Hoping you too can have some peace in your future.
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7mo
I had a ex boyfriend like this. Get out while you can. It doesn’t get better. Even if you don’t leave now, please read the comments and see how dangerous he is. Emotional neglect and abuse is just as dangerous.
OP, you almost died because you didn’t want to upset your husband. I would strongly suggest the two of you go to couples therapy. I think other commenters gave you some great insights into what might be possibly going on with him. He needs to figure himself out so he can be the loving supportive husband that you deserve. If he doesn’t want to, well, that’s more evidence of him doing this on purpose and being abusive.
Look, I hate to say this, but literally in example 1, he only became sympathetic when hearing you almost died. Anything else...not so much. Aka, if he could lose you, he's worried, if not, keep your mouth shut...? Um. I'm saying this as a guy: absolutely not.
You nearly died - because he thought you were overreacting. This man is not a good husband. Or person imo, he does not sound emotionally safe. Are you in therapy? If not, a self help resource is Rising Woman (google it or on instagram). This is just me, but I would rather be alone than be with someone who cares so little for my emotional and physical well-being.
Get a divorce.
: ( Your husband is being abusive. He is fine with you as long as you don't need anything. The reason you probably feel like you're going crazy is because you're trying to ignore a lot of red flags. Tolerating crazy behavior is crazy-making. You deserve love and support when you're dealing with difficult emotions. You deserve someone to care when your life is in danger and you have a medical emergency, and you deserve someone who doesn't treat your needs like a burden. He is probably only happy when you're not "inconveniencing" him.
The first red flag of this post is that you felt it necessary to tell us how nice of a guy he is and how wonderful your relationship is. Then everything after that, what you’re telling us is pointing in the opposite direction. Frustration and anger is not something you experience when someone you love is in pain. He should be concerned for your wellbeing. He should care if you’re okay or not. He should be contributing to your health, wealth, and happiness instead of telling you to sleep off medical emergencies that could have caused sepsis and literally ended your life. He lacks empathy.
Agreeing with everyone saying this relationship is not healthy. I have the same problem as your husband (ironically due to trauma) and I choose to not pursue romantic relationships until I can learn to cope better.
Your husband's indifference is going to result in serious harm to you at some point. He either needs to deal with being triggered by seemingly any ailment of yours...or the relationship can't continue. His reactions are wholly unreasonable, and potentially endangering you.
I didn’t read past your title. He’s abusive. Get rid of him.
I agree here. I read the rest, but it was only extra detail. The title says it all.
Better to be alone than with someone like this, OP. You are describing a type of damage that doesn't seem huge in the moment but will slowly train you to feel guilt and shame about who you are. If I were you I'd have a talk about this, and if he doesn't stop. Divorce. Your life is too precious to waste on this BS.
Your husband has alexithymia. And he sounds abusive.
If your relationship is good when everything is good and there's no stress, then you don't have a good relationship.
This man resents you and that you are a human being with needs.
You would be better off learning to live by yourself than living with him.
I think you have rose colored glasses on. You sound as if you're trying to make things seem nicer than they actually are.
I had a husband like that. It just kept getting worse, never better. I begged for couples counseling and he ignored me. And things got worse, and worse, and worse, until eventually he was flat out taking my worst fears and throwing them in my face to get his way. Then he'd say something like "I just don't like you very much right now." when all I'd done was like, say no to sex because I was feeling sick from my health problems.
Eventually I just checked out of the relationship. He was just one more stepkid in the house I had to clean up after and manage, a big angry kid who yelled whenever anybody other than him had a need. Who got angry when reality got in the way of sex or whatever else he wanted. If he felt like talking about a video game for three hours, I was supposed to be a smiling bobblehead for that whole three hours. And good golly was I never supposed to contradict him.
One day he was trying to have a big emotional argument about him not getting what he wants all the time and I just wasn't in the mood to give a shit about some giant toddler tantrum so I smiled and said I was closing the door so he could remember that we're supposed to go to different rooms and cool off when angry. So he did what it took to get his way, an open door he could keep yelling at me through, hit me so hard I fell over backwards.
That was about a year ago. I've got the apartment to myself, both my cat and his cat, a protection order, neighbors looking out for me acting as security, and any time he tries to call to demand I let him come back instead the cops help him spend a night in jail.
Your local YWCA is a wonderful resource!
It's time to think hard make a choice OP. Your own choice. Please do what's best for YOU.
You have the power to choose. It's probably going to be painful, but you are not alone. You have support here.
oof….someone who genuinely loves you would NEVER act that way when an issue arises, like in your examples. If he truly cared for you he would greet your issues with compassion, respect, proper urgency, etc.
YOU DESERVE BETTER
I'm worried for you. You're just going to get sicker as long as you stay with this person; this is no place to try to heal.
I'm single and no contact with all my family members. I have two cats. I see my therapist once a week and my occupational therapist once a week. Other than that I am completely isolated. And it is far, far preferable to living with my ex who was just like yours when I was in crisis.
He actually sounds pretty awful and I’m sorry
Whatever his reasons, your husbands responses are physically and emotionally dangerous for you. It’s not your job to pacify him when you are hurting. It sounds emotionally manipulative, especially if it continued after the ruptured cyst that almost killed you. You either need couples counseling (with a heavy dose of individual counseling for you both) or to look at leaving this relationship. I heavily suggest the latter. Assuming you grew up walking on eggshells, it makes sense you’d end up in a relationship doing it again. You have needs that he doesn’t have the emotional maturity or interest in supporting and it’s dangerous for you. You deserve so much better. Don’t put up with this. You aren’t crazy.
He don’t love you girly, at least not the way he’s supposed to. “Through sickness and through health” my ass, he only loves you when you’re doing good and the instant you start to have problems he turns into a completely different person. If you really do love him I suggest bringing up therapy, because this is something you’ll need to work through together, though, I’m a strong advocate for leaving when the going gets tough, as no one deserves to be put through what you are. I also have PCOS and CPTSD and if my partner did that to me when my cysts would rupture, or when I had one of my chronic migraines or a panic attack, I would NOT have stuck around.
Actually abuse often gets worse with therapy because the abuser learns to use his new knowledge as a weapon too. There are cases where I would recommend therapy. This is not one of them. The way OP‘s husbands behaves is much too void of respect for her as a human being with human needs.
Yea your husband is straight up abusive. I don't think he cares about you. You walk on eggshells and have none of your needs met.
If u can make an exit plan. See therapy on your own. Make a bank account without him and start squirreling away any money u can. Find a dime on the ground, bank. Explain to the bank you want no calls, only email. A separate email he doesn't have access to. And start consulting with a lawyer. First consult is free.
This isn't a good partnership. I'm sorry you're going through this
The way this sounds EXACTLY like my father makes me feel like I need to warn you and yet I'm not sure how to express what my concerns are about what I suspect MAY be going on with your husband without dipping into "drive by/armchair diagnosis" territory which I think is not allowed on this sub and yet to not be SPECIFIC with what I am hearing symptoms of wouldn't be helpful at all. I'll try to say a few things I notice without tacking potential diagnoses on.
At first, before you described the specifics, I suspected your husband might just have his own triggers that unfortunately overlapped with your symptoms. I STILL THINK THIS, but the stories you shared make me concerned that what is getting triggered in him is not something like CPTSD or panic. I'm not very good at understanding the message system on reddit but if you would like to hear my opinions perhaps you could message me?
It sounds like your husband has issues of feeling like his environment, and by extension also you, are out of his control in those moments when you have some sort of issue or flair up that is distressing you. His first instinct seems to be to get angry and tell you to put a stop to it, even if he doesn't know what it is or if it's possible. He is angry that something high-stress and loud and difficult is happening and his first instinct isn't concern over the danger, but anger or possibly fear that manifests as anger that his environment has changed and isn't peaceful and under control. He seems to be angry when he realizes what's going on and that what you need to do is not something you can simply stop or he cannot make go away. There is probably an underlying issue with why he feels so triggered by that lack of control and while I have sympathy for where that must be coming from, the fact that he is taking it out on you and then blaming you when you try to understand and asking "what is wrong with you" even after he knows what is wrong is concerning. I agree that there is no way to interpret his actions as anything other than him being angry and irritated and the fact that he is gaslighting you and insisting otherwise is also concerning.
I would urge you to consider how his lack of support and outright attacking of you when you are most vulnerable and in need of support is going to affect you longterm and I personally would be questioning if I was even mortally safe with someone who would rather have me shut up and pretend that I'm not dying so that he doesn't have to deal with it when I WAS, IN FACT, dying and would have died. This has also happened to me and I assure you if I were to have relied on what he wanted to do I would have died many times over...except not because obviously after the first time I died I would already be dead.
I understand you are explaining that he is usually sweet and supportive but I have to ask you... does it matter if he isn't when you need him the most? Does he apologize after he behaves this way? Does he explain himself? Is he willing to work on it? Or does he just call you crazy and say it's all in your head and leave you to deal with it all alone?
edited: some typos
It sounds like he wants a robot.
Because the human body has medical needs and when your human body has a medical need he loses his fucking mind and treats it like a character flaw on your part that you’re inflicting on him to personally victimize him. Then you have to reassure him and regulate his emotions while you are ill. Is he an adult or isn’t he? Seems more like a tantruming child.
Honestly I treat my cat better than this. When she has a medical issue I treat her with genuine empathy and concern and I show in my words and actions I am there to comfort her and offer help. Then I do that regardless of the cost or the inconvenience to me. Canceling plans or losing sleep to rush her to emergent care is no problem.
Your husband doesn’t do this, he blames you for having a human body that is occasionally subject to illness or injury just like every other human body. Which is batshit crazy and very emotionally and verbally abusive. What happened to “in sickness and in health”? You’re only allowed to be healthy ever?
What about when he gets sick is he equally enraged at himself or is he allowed to have symptoms of illness or distress?
Sounds like he gets triggered by your distress. But he needs to find out why and work on it. Otherwise it's not fair to you.
An extremely charitable view is that he cares about you so much that when you're in some sort of pain he gets triggered. He needs therapy to be able to handle how your pain makes him feel. However, that sort of healing can take literal years (pro tip, he should do IFS &/or EMDR to expedite things), & you shouldn't have to wait around that long. It won't be long until you start hiding your needs & feelings in order to try to keep the peace, & that isn't healthy for you. Imagine if you didn't want to make a "fuss" & upset him so you didn't go to the ER & bled out & died, for example.
In my opinion he is being abusive. I’m currently reading the book Why Does He Do That? As a fellow C-PTSD person and abuse victim, it would be in your best interest to take a step back an reevaluate your relationship. Because what he is doing is not helpful - it’s actually extremely harmful. It’s awful.
I wrote a comment on another post about a different topic just earlier today about my abusive ex. I was sick but didn’t have health insurance, and had mental illnesses that were also not being treated due to not having health insurance. I wasn’t a full on mess of a person, but I was struggling. I had a seizure one day after we had been fighting. He saw me during it and let out this big sigh and in a very annoyed voice said “what are you doing?! What is wrong with you?!” and then he walked off. I was conscious but drooling, crying, shaking and kicking uncontrollably. I then got sick and ended up waking up hours later on the bathroom floor. I asked my bf if he could take me to the ER because I hadn’t ever experienced something like that before and I knew it wasn’t just a panic attack. He argued with me about it but eventually obliged. But he DROPPED ME OFF. He didn’t even wait with me, and I had to call a cab to get home (this was before my city had Uber). Years later I had a brain MRI and was diagnosed with having a cavernous angioma in my brain, basically a benign tumor, which had likely been causing my seizures and some of my other symptoms I had while I was with him.
The reason I shared this story with you is to let you know that I can understand your situation to an extent due to my similar situation, so I’m offering my perspective as someone who “came out on the other side”. The saying “you cannot get better where you got sick” applies to things like abusive relationships. Some of my C-PTSD is from partner abuse and literal domestic violence with the police involved and all that, and something I’ve learned is that one of the reasons I wasn’t getting better is because I often found myself being roped in by men with a savior complex when I was at my most vulnerable. And because I didn’t know and just wasn’t strong enough, I’d find myself in another abusive relationship or even just a casual dating situation. It became clear to me that I wasn’t going to heal if I wasn’t single, and especially so if I hadn’t figured out how to establish and keep healthy boundaries. There are predatory people out there who seek out people like us; whether it’s a desire for control or to have a subordinate, they seek us out when we are at our lowest because they see us as an easy target. They know all the right things to say and do to really get you to trust them, despite your apprehension to do so. They can be so loving and caring, but then they slowly start to change because they cannot keep on the facade 24/7. They’ll often cycle through periods of being happy, charismatic, more affectionate, and seemingly more attentive to our needs, to periods of being the complete opposite: withdrawn, cold, dismissive, inattentive, disrespectful, careless, etc. The hot and cold cycle is what strengthens a trauma bond because it’s confusing. We see the good in them and we hope for change, so anytime we see it - we really see it. When they’re back to being an asshole, it’s so easy to say “well, he’s usually so sweet and kind. It must be something I did.” Then this sets off a series of thoughts in your mind that make you feel insecure and like you need to “make it up to him”, even though you didn’t actually do anything wrong. He WANTS you to think that. He wants you to second guess yourself and put his opinion over your own or anyone else’s. If you apologize or try to make “it right”, he knows he has you under his control again. Then the cycle just continues on and on. It will never stop, and it is easy for people like us to get trapped because we often want to please other people and the opinions of people we love us are important to us. We think, “why would he hurt me if he says he loves me?” The “why” isn’t really important, because knowing that won’t change his behavior. He may agree to things like therapy/counseling, being healthier, spending more time with you, but it’s all talk and it’s all to keep you around.
Back to the abuse you’re going through, because that’s what it is. It seems like his behavior is escalating. Do you have family or close friends nearby you can spend some time with? Maybe get some more outside opinions and possible options for moving forward? Because in my opinion it will continue to escalate until it ends up being bad.
((((TRIGGER WARNING: ASSAULT))))
Last year I was badly injured for a month because of my then partner. My entire rib cage and hip were extremely bruised, as well as my lower back which also had a huge open wound. I had bruises, cuts and scrapes all over my body. It was never like that before, it started out slowly. So slowly that I didn’t catch the red flags. Some things I notice were he began playful teasing me and making “jokes”. He would sometimes say awful shit about me or my life in the “heat of the moment”. We always made up and he was always so sweet after. Then one day he pushed me and when I looked up at him, he had a disconnected, soulless expression on his face. I started to realize the severity of the situation but only after the fact. I’ve heard stories of people dying in a freak way because someone pushes them in anger and they end up hitting their head. Your relationship is not healthy and it would be good to clear your head a bit - maybe with family/friends - and really think about what you’re gaining from the relationship and if you’re able to safely leave and prioritize your mental health and overall safety and well-being.
Marriage is in sickness and health. If he can't hold up his vows, it's time to consider if he is the right partner for you.
Using anger, acting mad or refusing to communicate as a way to manipulate or get a persons way is emotional abuse. Having a partner that is negatively attuned to supporting you when you are vulnerable is a dealbreaker. Your examples show all of Gottman's 4 horseman of a toxic partner. He needs to seek help and you need to begin preparing to separate.
Sounds like your husband has phobias or trauma associated with medical issues of others from the past being an emotional burden, or something that challenged his basic needs. Anger is a defense mechanism for feelings of insecurity, threat, fear, that occur as actual physical feelings in the body. It's hard to explain the source, because it bypasses any analytical or pragmatic understanding of what is happening.
It's a serious decision as to whether this is something that he is willing or able to deal with, but it's also a serious decision as to whether or not you are willing to set a healthy boundary and demand that he provide you emotional and physical support in the event of sickness, medical emergency.
Psychologists trained in cbt, eft, somatic experiencing or emdr may be helpful for him. If there isn't a willingness, or if there is a denial of the issue, it's time to begin taking care of yourself first and to stop worrying about him. This is emotional abuse.
I have a very bad problem. I was never able to learn how to properly socialize, and was constantly ignored by everyone important in my life as a kid. This means, when I'm trying to comfort my partner, and it feels like he's ignoring me (which is accurate only 10% of the time), I get angry, snappy.
This is not that. This feels like "how dare you have any problems/needs at all". I'm very, very far from the perfect man, but I'm actually trying. Is he? Is he TRYING?
You need to dump him. He doesn’t care for you, he wants a robot gf.
You don't have a great relationship. At all.
My partner has never been frustrated or bothered by me being sick or in pain.
What you are experiencing sounds so hurtful and confusing. There is a clear lack of support and empathy. You are not crazy.
I’m sorry but this doesn’t sound like a good relationship at all. He’s not there for you when you need him the MOST! I don’t see this getting any better either, and you’re only getting older (maybe more things will start to happen, hopefully not). I would seriously consider cutting my losses at this point. I think he’s just going to hurt you more as time goes on with this weird non caring attitude towards his own wife.
My husband and I have a great relationship, I thought...
...It is truly only when it comes to any distress I’m in that it’s as if he becomes a totally different person. The kind and sweet person I know disappears completely. He makes it clear he is annoyed, frustrated, angry.
Low frustration tolerance is a sign of emotional immaturity at the very least. The relationship is "great" as long as he is happy and his needs are being met. As soon as he has to put out any energy to attend to your needs (even in a life threatening emergency), then he loses it. That's a one-sided arrangement.
You are not crazy!!! One of the long term effects of growing up with cptsd is that survivors of childhood trauma attract people with narcissistic tendencies like flies to honey. I recognize this behavior as your husband sounds like both of mine rolled into one. (If I hadn't been widowed w/the second one, it was only a matter of time before I wound up twice divorced, and knowing what I know now in my 60s I won't risk attracting a 3rd narcissist.) The posturing in front of others when he found out it was life threatening emergency instead of you being 'dramatic' is classic narcissistic behavior as he doesn't want to be seen as being an AH to his wife who could have died when he pitched a tantrum about being inconvenienced.
If he is a narcissist, I wouldn't suggest couple counselling. Narcissistic people typically don't go to therapy, because "there's nothing wrong with me; everything is wrong with you". Also, it's not recommended to attend couple counselling with a narcissist as they will weaponize the therapy to use it against you.
He is my only family. I have no family outside of him. I just feel completely heartbroken and lost at what to do.
I also empathize with this as I'm estranged from my dysfunctional FOO. Do you have friends you can trust that can help you? Family doesn't have to mean blood relation. Build a network of friends that you can rely on to have your back because he certainly doesn't.
The tendency on reddit is to go straight for the break up, but given that he not only is unsympathetic with your health difficulties that are beyond your control he now has you in a situation that you are entirely dependent on him for emotional and health support that he's not providing.
This is emotional abuse by alienation...I'm so sorry you're being treated like this
get out of there. he doesn’t care and will obviously never understand your ptsd related issues, everyone is like that in my life, even the closest to me still dont understand the hell it is inside. he isnt even trying to care, make your exit if that is safe for you to do.
I know it seems like a big deal because he’s your literal husband and that seems very permanent and lifelong. But I will just say that I dated a guy for a short time last year who had similar reactions. He would basically just Stonewall, or be quiet and listen to me talk without bringing any actual support. Even just a hug or whatever. And I wasn’t expecting him to be my therapist, these were having issues that had something to do with him such as my stress about pregnancy because he didn’t want to participate in fully safe sex.
I basically gaslighting myself into believing that I have not found the exact right combination of words to make him treat me like a human being, with respect and love, and I even started making up stories about well, This is just how men are conditioned XYZ.
He ended up dumping me via text message, go figure. I am now dating a man who is so securely attached and emotionally supportive, It’s almost jarring. He says things to me like babe we’re supposed to be able to talk to each other! When I apologize for how much I’ve been going on. He said babe, I’m your support net work, I’m a member of it and I’m here for you and I want you to be happy. He will hug me and when I cry, he goes oh baby and hugs me even harder. He is there for me and I can call him anytime. I can’t even believe what I was putting up with before. Just food for thought.
The fact that you are careful what you say means he has you walking on eggshells. You deserve better! Thats a huge red flag! I have no family and am alone with a great dog. Its waaay better than having to walk on eggshells for a man baby. I have both mental and physical health problems too. At least I can be unwell and concentrate on my care and not some guy who adds to my problems.
I say this as someone who understands the pain of this, but it's better to be alone than to have family like that. You will eventually, sooner or later, meet people that actually care about you; because he sadly does not. Treat yourself with the kindness you deserve and remove yourself from his abuse.
You haven't done anything wrong, and you are completely within your right mind to be worried about this situation. It is normal to expect empathy and emotional support from your partner, especially because a relationship's health rests on the quality of trust, intimacy, and reciprocity between both participants. Unfortunately, this relationship seems a bit lopsided, because your husband appears to lack the level of emotional intelligence necessary for both partners to possess in a functioning relationship.
To me, it seems like your husband is threatened by your negative emotions, as illustrated by his irrational and reactive responses to them. Your husband is afraid of the effect your emotions will have on him; that is why he snaps at you with abuse. He's not really thinking about you in the moment; he is afraid, and trying to protect himself from discomfort. He's projecting his personal problems onto you, thereby making you the problem in his mind.
Unfortunately, this deficit in emotional intelligence is common in heterosexual men, especially those who were raised to repress, shunt, and compartmentalize their emotions. He's triggered by your strong emotions because he is emotionally constipated; essentially, his emotional psycho-social development is that of a child's. And it's very difficult, if not impossible, to have a healthy relationship of equals with a child.
I HIGHLY recommend reading this article to learn more about this topic, it'll help you figure out what's going on in his head : https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fear-intimacy/202201/why-men-get-uncomfortable-when-women-get-emotional
Lastly, try not to take his reactions towards you personally. He's not emotionally intelligent enough to understand you, himself, nor the consequences of his behavior. None of this is about you; you're just married to a man-child. You don't deserve this abuse.
I am not even gonna talk about marriage vows - "better or worse"
Just the fact that the FIRST response from a grown man after hearing his loved one is having a sudden on set of acute pain is to annoyingly say "what's wrong with you now." just shows how he wants the fun and excitement out of a relationship, not the work. And therefore not a husband material.
Your husband is abusive. It's not in your head. His gas-lighting and manipulation have almost cost you your life. It is in no way inappropriate for anyone to act angry or antagonistic or demeaning or invalidating toward you when you are having a medical emergency (or a panic attack, or a car in need of service, or a pretty much ever).
Find a therapist. Find a support system for leaving domestic violence. Be careful not to let your spouse know that you are considering leaving him (or if / when you decide to or have the means to). I'm so sorry this has happened, but it is not your fault and you can find better family and actual love elsewhere. Moreover, you deserve to have safe, loving, supportive connections. And since your spouse won't be that for you, you're going to have to create that (and enforce boundaries about it) yourself.
My husband suffers from PTSD as well, and his panic attacks present as anger and extreme verbal reactions.
He would do this to me when I was at my LOWEST. My grandmothers funeral being the worst.
We are in therapy, and I almost left more than once, but I want to validate your experience, and offer an alternate perspective for your consideration.
Now, mine has crossed lines several times where I probably should have left. I did not. I am also working through the why on that. Likely due to his diagnosis.
The main thing is, I NEVER allow myself to feel unsafe and that comes before his bad actions or reactions. I will leave if I need to, and I hope you are prepared to as well.
sending love to you
I’m sorry, that sounds really upsetting. None of this is your fault.
I’d guess that your husband is presenting anger as a secondary emotion to protect himself from feeling a more vulnerable primary emotion. He may find the idea of sadness or fear around your distress to be too much.
The anger serves to push the source of this emotional pain away immediately, which is you.
He will likely need therapy to manage this.
This explanation resonates with me, as his reaction seems a manifestation of a hidden reaction/emotion to her experience.
But in a totally inappropriate direction. My initial thought was that I was seeing dissociation but bizarrely expressed.
Your explanation makes more sense.
He may have been parented by someone who was always playing a victim and taking advantage of his empathy, which got in the way of him getting his needs met. He's so traumatized, he can't see nuance, he just triggers and sees the situation like it is the same as his past.
I agree he needs trauma therapy and may need to learn how to get his needs met before being a good partner for you. He feels victimized by your issues and the hassle and pain of the emotional and cognitive resources required from him.
You may not be a good fit. I hope you can support each other, but from my experience, it's very very hard and more commonly traumatizes both of you.
As a husband if I’m really stressed out I’ll get short with people around me. I dunno that I’ve ever really taken it that far. But to me if someone’s stressed out and not quite themselves as a result it’s understandable.
It could be this stuff freaks him out and it comes out all wrong. If that’s the case he needs to work on this.
If it’s because you truely are a burden and such then yeh time to have some serious talks or look elsewhere. You won’t be a burden to someone who truely loves you.
And in all honestly in the situations you describe he prolly should go out of his way to make sure you don’t feel like a burden. It stinks when you are helpless from a health ailment and feel like a burden over it.
It'd be one thing if he was treating you that way, but then later on was at least willing to discuss how his behavior made you feel and work on repair. But it's another thing entirely when he is behaving this way and is completely unwilling to ever talk about it, own up to it, or apologize. If there is no willingness to admit any wrongdoing or repair after conflict from the person who has hurt you, there's sadly nothing else to be done. You did nothing wrong here to deserve this treatment, and unfortunately nobody can force anyone else to see that they did something wrong if they don't want to. The only thing left to do in this situation is to leave the unhealthy relationship. You almost died when he dismissed your ruptured cyst, and there's no guarantee something like that won't happen again in the future, or that it won't end up being fatal when/if it happens again. Better to be alone then with someone who endangers your life. You deserve to be physically safe and not feel crazy. I know how it is when your partner is your only support/family, but I would rather start my life over on my own than stay with someone who, despite being capable of being very loving, also treats me like I don't matter at all when I need them the most. I'm wishing you the best and hoping you'll find the strength to do what you need to do to take care of yourself the best way you can right now.
On a deep level he is making it hard for you to be yourself. This likely reinforces your limiting beliefs and perpetuates your trauma. What in your past reminds you of how this dynamic is playing out? This is a wake up opportunity to see the truth of who you are being and what really needs to shift for you to heal. Realizing how you have been giving your power away is an important step in taking your power back.
Lose the guy.
It seems like he only committed to the positive aspects of his wedding vows.
Thank you for sharing. I don't have advice.... because this sounds like me.
I know my own trauma makes me react angrily or out of proportion to situations, but the difference is I am a very empathetic person overall.
I end up doubting my own mind. He tells me I do this to myself. Sometimes, that makes me wonder if I blanket my anxious behavior or depressive episodes in with my health issues. (Not exactly as an intentional excuse, but a cop out on some subconscious level.) I get told I'm being lazy or need a push. My ADHD points to that intermittently being the case.
I'm rambling.... anyhow, the lack of empathy is the theme that sticks out to me. Personally, I feel doubly triggered (in situations with my SO like yours) as someone who experienced medical and emotional neglect/abuse growing up. Maybe you (OP) are the same? Like you always had to mask your suffering or needs because you were an inconvenience?
I got silently furious when he couldn't stay off his phone for five minutes while I was in the waiting room for an ultrasound, then again a few days later for another round of blood tests with the same behavior. I had explained how scared and nervous I was. (My new PCP had me referred to determine if I have endo, fibroids, or cysts, after dealing with over a decade of severe illness + gaslighting from women's health professionals while uninsured.)
Am I reacting to my mom dismissing me verbalizing my serious mental health issues as a kid? Is it my anger towards the OB-GYN who blew me off when I listed MY MOTHER as a person in my family who experienced ruptured ovarian cysts, along with aunts and cousins having endo or PCOS? Is it a build up from when my SO was an ass to me for months when I said I couldn't stay awake, my hair was visibly falling out, I said I felt like I was dying, etc.? (During COVID, I couldn't get in for initial blood panels but he sure acted taken aback when my thyroid stimulating hormone levels were 7x above the highest normal range.)
It's gotten to a point I now will robotically say, " if you can't handle being with somebody who's sick, then don't," when he gets frustrated by me not contributing around the house or me flaking on plans. "Please believe me when I tell you what's happening in my body," comes out when he insists I just need to go to the gym and 'quit laying around' to completely fix myself 'without all the meds'. Makes me feel like I'm being crazy or weaponizing my health problems. Or that I'm simply such a pain in the ass to have a life with.
Much love, internet stranger lady. Other people's answers here are eye-opening. Remember you're stronger than you ever imagined.
As others have said, I'm not sure this is classified as a "great" relationship :/ I'm sorry your needs aren't being supported. I'm sure it's difficult to bring upto him as well.
You need to get a divorce as soon as possible
Sweety, this is emotional abuse on his part. The examples you gave were in no way you being dramatic, hysterical, etc, but real medical or car emergencies that could happen to anybody. He seems to have some problems of his own—anger issues or resentment—that aren’t your fault but are certainly making you suffer. I’d suggest a family therapist to work through his behavior. And if it doesn’t change, I think you should consider divorce. If he is threatening it already, and over something like a medical emergency, that’s emotional blackmail and it’s not okay at all. Sending you support ❤️🩹
That kinda sounds like my dad and grandmother 😭 if my partner was doing this and he threatened divorce? You best believe my fight or flight response would be to do the divorce first.
One of my biggest fears is getting married to someone who acts like my family. Im already trapped with my family I don’t need my spouse to feel like a trap as well..
Oh, honey, no - this man does not love you. I am so, so sorry to say that. But when internet folks can see all the red flags waving, even from afar, you have to take a step back, take off the rose colored glasses and really look at the situation.
Love is not being annoyed at your partner. Love is being there for your partner and supporting them, period. When my husband has a bad day, he gets hugs and kisses, a home cooked meal or his favorite fast food. He gets foot massages and fluffy soft blankets. He gets whatever he needs from me, because he does the same exact thing for me.
Please, please reevaluate your relationship with this man.
https://www.dvcairns.org/dv-explained/dv-checklist
In case you’re ever bored and just want to take a look. Also, if you have audible or like to read - I suggest “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft, it helped me to help myself change my life.
Good luck, op. My heart goes out to you.
Same here with my bf. Last week I had an abrupt panic attack (I didn’t even see it coming) and I needed him to just sit with me and be sweet but he was annoyed and kept asking “why” I was having it… and at the time it’s not like I even knew why. It made things a lot worse. So I just stopped bothering with him and started reading panic attack relief techniques on the internet instead because besides my dog, and one of my cats, I have no one to reach out to who won’t fuck me up worse. I really feel ya :(
I want to assume the best since I've experienced similar things from those I love, but I can't. He's neglecting your basic need for support/comfort and abusing the fact that you feel like he's the only person you have. That kind of reaction from him can stem from his own unresolved trauma but it's no excuse. Please be safe and put yourself first :(
I am really sorry you are going through this. I was in your place once, and I absolutely believed 100% that my husband loved me and supported me. However, when I was sick with even a cold, he would question whether or not I was really sick. When I had an injury that caused back pain and would ask him for a massage, he would do it so hard that it would hurt, and when I cried out in pain, he would get angry that I complained and wasn't appreciative enough. In retrospect, I recognized this and a slew of other passive aggressive behaviors as covert abuse.
All of that to say is that these behaviors are a major red flag because if you can't trust your partner to be there when you are down, you cannot trust them at all. You are actually better off alone because you can make plans to get help if you become sick instead of counting on someone who won't be there when you need them. It is unfortunately common for narcissistic men to abandon their spouses when they become sick because they just don't have it in them to put their own needs ahead of other people's.
My ex husband was also my only family, and again, as much as it hurts to admit, it's very common for abusive people to choose partners who lack social support. And of course folks with CPTSD are slow to recognize abusive behaviors because to us they appear normal and familiar. We are not used to people being considerate and giving us basic attention and care that all human beings deserve.
I am lucky enough to have good friends I can rely on and who really helped me to heal, so regardless of any other actions you want to take, make it a first priority to cultivate as many social connections as you can - it's very important for us folks who don't have family support.
He is emotionally abusing you and gaslighting you. You have some things to think about when it comes to him and your marriage. Marriage counseling is the first step and go from there.
You could die as a result of this callous mistreatment. This is emotional/medical abuse and neglect, and not only does it sound heartbreaking and terrible for you mentally, but it could cause you to again delay medical treatment for an emergency or downplay a serious health or MH issue to the point of grave danger. I know how hard it is when a man has other great qualities, but treating you kindly only when you're not in a vulnerable moment, or in need of support, is not love.
My husband used to be like this for the bulk of the middle of our marriage. What changed to make it better? He quit porn and social media, as both were hijacking his dopamine reward centre, making it harder to engage with real life and me.
Sounds crazy, but he's a completely different person, 3 years later.
During his recovery work, he realised that in addition to being dopamine/serotonin depleted, he also had resentment towards his mother, which was being projected at me. Turns out, his mother was a histrionic who used crying and physical pain, to manipulate others (including my husband). Once he tackled this issue and seperated me from his internalised misogyny surrounding this issue, he began to respond to me more and more over time, with empathy.
Food for thought....
Check out the bpd loved ones sub. You are in an abusive relationship & deserve much better. I am sorry, it’s an awful feeling of betrayal to realize.
Many men view women like appliances rather than full people. Your failing to perform your function in that case. Alexithemia is a normative state in males, so empathy is severely lacking.
That’s how most men are if they actually cared, they would. I have anger issues and would never get annoyed or angry when my partner is in pain or expressing their needs.
Men are accepted to be abusive and do whatever and get told “boys are boys” or “men are just naturally aggressive”, while others are so concern of their image they’ll switch up with others and unmask around you.
He's not a great person, honey.
He doesn't care about you at all.
As far as he's concerned you're there to meet his needs and you are not allowed to have needs of your own.
As long as you meet his needs without needing anything yourself he'll treat you well.
But should you dare to inconvenience him by needing something he'll get angry because he only cares about himself.
His attitude screams I am the important one here and YOU ARE NOTHING. Serve me!
That's classic abuser behaviour, OP.
It's only going to get worse if you don't leave him.
please work on a support network. it's not healthy that he's the only family you have. a counselor, a friend, an aunt. Reach out. Join a group. Anything so that he's not your only support. A husband should have his wife's back, and visa versa, not put knives in it when you're down. Because it is a real betrayal.
you’re not crazy. you feel that way because he is gaslighting you (telling you that you’re just perceiving him as angry when he is obviously angry is exactly what that is—gaslighting) and that’s what gaslighting does to people. it makes them feel crazy. but you are not crazy. again, you are NOT crazy.
would you behave this way toward a loved one in these situations? no way. this is not safe and is most likely exacerbating your symptoms. these are really extreme reactions and i am very scared for you.
i am so sorry you are being treated like this. you don’t deserve it. it is incredibly inhumane.
i know you said he’s your only family and i know you care about him. but i hope you care about you, as well. and you would be so much safer away from this behavior and treatment. if you choose to leave (and i really really think you should. his behavior is deeply disturbing) and you need help, i know this sub can help you find resources if you need any. we have each others backs here.
if you are in fear of feeling alone and need friendly support, we are all here. i am here. just as you met him, you can meet other people to accompany you through life. others who are much much kinder to you. but my friend, you really need to get out of there as carefully as possible. it is not safe for you. sending love. 🤍
You deserve better, much better. It sounds like you also have some people pleasing tendencies and are afraid of upsetting him, which is a learned trauma response and not a normal behavior. Your health comes before him ALWAYS. I hope you leave him and spend time unlearning this behavioral pattern so you can find your true special someone. He knows you have this behavior, and it's probably what drew him to you in the first place. He knows he can treat you poorly, and you'll accept it. Please leave now he will not change op.
Did he used to take care of you? Maybe he became an overwhelmed caretaker and never emotionally recharged? Either way, his responses are terrible. This is abusive. I'm sorry this happened to you.
He's being an asshole. You're going through MAJOR MEDICAL EMERGENCIES, and he's acting like you stubbed your toe and complained for a week. You deserve better. This is a form of abuse, and if he isn't willing to do better, you should think through your options. It's always better to be alone than to be abused <3 And you're stronger than you know. As someone who's gone through extreme medical emergencies myself, I know you're much stronger than he's willing to admit.
He’s a fair weather friend.
Does he not remember his vows "for better or worse, in sickness and health"? He's a selfish asshole who doesn't respect you. I hate to think what old age with him will be like.
having been in this position before, this is abuse. you deserve more than he's capable of ever giving. save text messages and emails and file for divorce. it doesn't get better 🫂🫶🏽
He is emotionally neglectful and emotionally abusive. It isn’t safe for you to be transparent about your feelings and he is cruel when you do. This is not a healthy relationship for you long term
I am so sorry as I know this is probably going to be hard to hear, but you need to leave. He could ultimately kill you as a result of neglect. Love only when it’s convenient isn’t love. This is abusive.
Ummmm he sounds really abusive
OP, show him this fucking thread. If he is only defensive, and does not care to understand why a million folks are saying the same thing, fuck him and the horse he rode in on
You deserve to be honest about your own pain and struggles, if he can't handle it that's on him and a problem he needs to either improve upon or you guys just need to go your separate ways.
Get out now & heal yourself. Find a good therapist, adopt a shelter dog (rescuing them is the best, they somehow rescue you back). Your husband is NOT "FAMILY", you already tried to sleep off losing too much blood when he should've taken you to the ER right then! This is HUGE RED FLAG behavior, I hope children aren't seeing this, if you're alone just get out now. Get a divorce ASAP & stay away from him once you leave the FIRST time. Do not tell him you're leaving, rent a room in a reputable person's house even, just don't stay there. Take everything you need the first time, do NOT go back after you leave b/c "you forgot stuff there" or he says "he has some of your things that you can pick up", every time this happens they hurt or kill the other person (countless cases recommend not going back everrrr after leaving the first time for your own safety) Your life is at risk, please pray & take care of yourself first. Get out now while you have a few healthy days please.
I’m so sorry OP. Everyone here is right, this guy is just bad news and he doesn’t deserve you at all. You deserve so much better than him.
ETA: I didn't realize what sub this was posted in! Please keep that in mind when reading this comment bc I thought I was describing CPTSD to a person who likely didn't know what it was, instead of in a sub full of people who also have firsthand experience.
First, you aren't doing anything to cause these reactions. They're completely unreasonable, abnormal, and unacceptable. I know everyone else said the same thing but it's too important not to repeat.
Now I'll say something that is just a slight tinge different than what others have said, but remember that it doesn't change what I wrote above at all.
To me, it sounds like your husband sounds could be responding to something traumatic from earlier in his life. Maybe when he was a child that's how he was treated when he was in distress and he internalized that the person expressing pain was the problem. Or maybe he was parentified and had to drop his own needs whenever a caregiver was in distress, and now requests to provide care even in an otherwise nurturing relationship are intensely triggering. He may receive any statement of distress as a demand to drop everything and serve, and respond to you as if that's an unreasonable demand your making of him even though you're doing nothing of the sort. In either case he isn't really responding to you, he's responding to his earlier trauma. I think of this because my husband falls into this when he feels insulted. I won't have actually insulted him at all, but something triggers an insecurity and he starts treating me like I'm a total B and every word out of my mouth is a coded message that he's an idiot. His mother is that B, and I hate her for it, but in the moment he can't shake himself out of thinking it's coming from me. He feels it and responds to me from that context even though it's not really connected to me or my actions. It's way less extreme of a problem in my case because it happens when we're watching TV and he thinks I'm laughing at him instead of the show or something like that, and yours happens specifically when you need him most.
Reiterating again, none of that makes his treatment of you even the slightest bit ok. It means he might be someone who deeply needs help instead of a complete monster or someone who doesn't love you like others have said, but that doesn't mean you should stay with him. Do not set the bar for a relationship with you at "not a literal monster." If this is a trauma response, it would likely take a long time and a lot of work with a good therapist to change his responses, and that's after he recognizes and accepts that his reaction is a problem and commits to working on it. Please do not accept your basic needs being treated like a burden and an imposition in the hopes that he'll change, maybe, someday.
I don't care if he dismisses this assessment because of course he would. I hate throwing around the word, but this is classic gaslighting, emotional abuse, stonewalling, and medical neglect.
Remember. Abusers have their good side or there would be nothing to cling on to. You can sometimes be good and also an asshole. He is not a good husband. He has convinced you he's good enough which isn't enough. There is someone out there who won't make you feel like you're walking on eggshells all the time.
He's in the process of training you to not show any needs or comfort or sadness or frustration, etc. He wants you to be obedient, comply, and dote on him because he is "always right." He will get worse and you will find it more and more difficult to speak up.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Even without physical abuse, a woman's shelter will help protect people like you because he is 100% abusing you. You are worth more than this man sees.
It sounds like your husband gets triggered and an automatic reaction program starts in his head. This might have surprisingly little to do with you and more to do with his childhood. I have trouble believing I deserve medical care when I need it because of how my mother reacted to my ever getting sick as a child. She felt traumatized by doctors who never believed her about her symptoms and grew up poor enough to fret when a doctor was needed because of the expense.
This is totally not ok, what he is doing. It’s traumatic for you and unfair, but it’s clearly making him uncomfortable too. Marriage counselling did me a lot of good twice. It sounds like he is in denial. You need a trained professional help you both feel heard and shown how you appear to each other in these situations. Go for it. You will learn important things that will help you understand each other better. And honestly, this sounds too big not to get help making sure he understands how his reaction affects you adversely. He is hurting you, let alone not being supportive.
When I read the title, I thought, "yeah, that could be me".
But then I realized that your husband is much more extreme than I am, but possibly for similar reasons. It makes me uncomfortable to see my wife sick, or anyone really, and I just don't know how to react. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to physically care for someone who is not feeling well. So the "easiest" emotion to show is annoyance and anger, because that was the most prevalent for me growing up.
Break something? Anger. Lose something? Anger. Hurt yourself? Anger. Food is too hot / too cold? Anger. Etc, I'm sure you get it.
Another possible reason is that I was never "allowed" to be sick growing up. Boys don't cry, don't be a p*ssy, that kind of stuff. Even when I broke my leg in 2 places, broke my shoulder, lost consciousness for 20+ minutes, I was told "you are not paralyzed, that's nothing".
So, these are not excuses, just possible reasons. I would try to have a serious talk with your husband when you're not in panic mode, and he's not in "fight" mode.
I had the same reaction. Sometimes my husband reacts poorly to situations in which he knows that he was responsible for triggering me in some way. But that involves him getting upset at himself, not at me. He would never treat me with the level of disdain and disrespect that OP's husband does. He would never threaten divorce, criticize me, or raise his voice. He helps me through my worst moments. I am very sensitive to his inward anger in the situations where he did something (and it's always inadvertent) to trigger me, because one of my triggers is male aggression, so I'm hypervigilant around it. I was expecting to hear a situation like mine, not the awfulness that OP described. It breaks my heart that she thinks that a man who only treats her kindly when he doesn't feel like she is an inconvenience to him in any way is a good person. It really reflects a lot of what all of us went through in childhood, I'd imagine.
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7mo
Damn, you really suck. I hope you get help and stay out of relationships. Yikes.
You’d be annoyed by your spouse almost dying, and you’re saying so to other people and you think it’s justified?
I’m sorry for the life you’ve had that made you that way, and I hope you stay single and don’t try to have friends or family, because that’s some abusive bullshit.
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7mo
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7mo
people on here are quick to jump to accusations of abuse but truth be told... it's not easy to live with a partner who has cptsd.
i have cptsd. my partner has even worse cptsd. we are fighting 6 days of the week because of it. we trigger each other. we mirror each other's 4fs. we try to be supportive and then get hit with ricochet emotions. this shit is exhausting. i am exhausted of it on top of being exhausted by my cptsd and i am sure he is too.
your husband's window of tolerance for your illness has shrunk, he's going into fight mode each time you have a complaint. this may probably be because he feels responsible for your well-being and feels he's not doing enough! if he's monitoring your mood constantly and doing his best so you don't have a meltdown, if you have one anyway he's disappointed in himself. just like a parent of a difficult child. TALK TO HIM about it when he's calmed down, he needs to learn strategies for managing fight mode because he's doing active harm to your already damaged psyche. this needs to be addressed. do not back down, this won't get fixed by itself. i'm rooting for you. 🫂
It is truly only when it comes to any distress I’m in that it’s as if he becomes a totally different person. The kind and sweet person I know disappears completely.
Most of the time he is calm and stable, kind and sweet to me, rational and a real teammate to me.
his reacts to any physical or psychological distress I may have with anger, annoyance and frustration
I feel like I’m going crazy. What am I doing to cause such a reaction? Is it all in my head? I am always so careful in how I talk to him about any issues I’m having bc of his reactions. I know for sure I am remaining calm and probably even timid in how I express pain or discomfort to him bc I am always so afraid of him getting upset with me.
I'm going to level with you, OP - you could've posted all of this exact phrasing in the abusive relationships sub and it wouldn't have been out of place. You are describing abusive behavior. I'll tell you what I tell people in there: the 90% of the relationship that's "good" doesn't outweigh the parts that are destructive. The bad parts are the relationship just as much as the good parts are, and some bad parts outweigh them entirely. These bad parts are atrocious. He's angry at you for being legitimately sick or hurt. This is not a person you're safe with.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I can tell you this: he is very unlikely to change this behavior and you deserve better. He took vows that he's clearly wiping his ass with, and that is not your fault. "In sickness and in health" isn't supposed to be a figure of speech. I know how hard it is to leave when they're your whole support system, so please know I'm not just flippantly saying "just leave". I know how it is because I myself went from an abusive childhood home into an abusive long term relationship pretty much right away when I moved out of my family home. What I'm saying is that if I was in your shoes, I'd start thinking about an escape route even if you aren't ready yet.
I would take to a couples therapist. This is common in long term relationships where one has trauma - couples start to resent one another especially if one is constantly needing help or support and the other partner feels overburdened with trying to give that support. Eventually the other person shuts down emotionally. Their cup is empty. And the person with the trauma feels like it could be their fault, or that their difficult, not accepted, not loved and supported- which isn’t the case usually.
It’ can be a viscous cycle especially if one partner doesn’t understand trauma and ptsd.
I think this marriage is salvageable and can be worked on to get to a better place but it’ll take an outside perspective to get thru it all. It’ll take some Compassion and respect and understanding from Both of you.
If can be extremely hard to have trauma and a healthy relationship- for both partners but it’s 100% worth it when you are able to work thru it and get past it.
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7mo
This is a support sub, there’s no need to express your annoyance, it’s inappropriate, hurtful to op, and makes you look bad.
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7mo
There is a block button, but my blocking you would be besides the point, since the point is that you’re being a jerk to someone else who is here looking for support.
Your comment on the other hand, was not looking for support, it was just being mean and justifying it as honesty.
But I suppose I should have just reported your comment instead, I guess I just thought saying something would be better.
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Does he have pent up stress and issues?
Your husband needs help dealing with his emotions. Unfortunately he sounds like the kind of person who will be resistant to that. He does sound abusive. There's some chance (in my mind) that he's just very shut down and doesn't know how to deal with how your distress makes him feel. But he won't be able to respond appropriately unless he's willing to delve into why your distress is so hard for him to deal with. Do you think he'd be open to therapy?
He appears to be having trauma flashbacks triggered by you having needs, and it seems he does not care that he is hurting you. The fact that he does not seem to care is the biggest problem here as it means he will not change and you will need to leave this relationship in order to get the care you deserve.
I understand your pain but you also sound like a lot to deal with. On top of your pain that’s beyond your control, you have anxiety and panic attacks. That sounds like a lot to deal with. Just like you want him to understand you… you should try to understand him. Also, understand you can love someone and they can love you but it doesn’t make you a good team/couple
Something that has worked for me is working with the wheels of emotion. I find that maybe your emotion is close to what he's actually feeling, but it's not quite what he's feeling, and he's angry you're trying to read his mind. I find that taking a bit of time to get to the specific emotion helps the two people to get to what they need way faster
My partner and I got into a similar pattern during my first bout with fibromyalgia (which went on for ~5 years). It was overwhelming for both of us. If you can afford it, couples therapy is the way to go.
If cost is an issue, do some research to find out which grad schools in your area train therapists—they often have a training clinic, and sometimes they offer couples services. Usually training clinics have a sliding scale fee based on what you can pay. I’m a psychologist trainee in SF, and the bottom rate for adult sessions at my last site was $40.
I get my husband's frustration with me, too. He's tired of my physical illnesses. He's tired of me falling apart. So am I. How does someone say they love you, when they don't even know huge parts of who you are. They don't even want to know them. They want you to get better. If only you could just make it all better.
He completely freaked out at me, yelling, cursing, telling me he needs to fucking sleep and he can’t believe I’m bothering him. I slept
This would be the deal-breaker for me. I don't care what happened before or after. You start doing that, we're done.
I think I can relate somewhat. My husband was supportive and understanding for 15 years. But after a series of traumatic events, I was not a functional human and he lost his patience for me.
Whatever capacity he had before to show me warmth just disappeared overnight. And worse, he didn’t see a difference in the way he was treating me.
I withdrew emotionally from our relationship for my own survival. I wrote him a letter explaining things clearly and told him that I need to believe that I If he understood the destruction he was creating, he would be different.
I told him the next time I engage in anything more than logistical discussions, we will be in therapy. Because we won’t survive without compassion and empathy. I stuck to it.
We made it to couples therapy. It’s no silver bullet. We’re still working on it.
But our EFT therapist was well informed on our background where before we began and takes the time to make sure my husband gets the fundamentals and assigns reading ti him because he needs to understand how his wife’s brain operates.
Now that someone else is telling him, he actually listens and has made steps to show me he cares. We have a ways to go. And I realize it could have gone another direction.
It's not all in your head. He has some issues with being a caretaker, maybe some trauma in his past of not being taken care of in need? Or did he have to take care of someone from a very young age on his own expense? In any case, he should work on this… its very toxic how he behaves
There are a few possibilities on his side: - he is overstressed/has too much going on in his life (still - his responsibility to sort it out to make enough time and mental energy for the family life) - he was in an enmeshed relationship with his mother who used him as a "surrogate partner" while neglecting him in the process. Still not your fault but you both need to address these matters I think
Your husband does not have any empathy or compassion for you I suspect your husband is a psychopath probably a benign one but even still not worth being married to. You think you have a great relationship but you really don't. You deserve somebody who will treat you better who will not be annoyed when you have human needs.
I think you should speak to a therapist to help give you perspective on things.
It’s important to talk to a therapist about your personal history , your relationship, patterns , feelings, thought process, triggers, etc .
It’s possible that your husband is a selfish asshole and you aren’t imagining things . It’s also possible that he has his own trauma and feels so helpless when your in pain that he gets frustrated ( which he’d need therapy for ). It’s also possible that you’ve suffered your own trauma and you are misreading the situation. It’s also possible that you’re hyper vigilance and anxiety is triggering him .
There’s a lot of possibilities so I think you should talk to someone - and quickly . Because if he is a narcissist or useless/abusive when your in need of his help or support , it’s important to take steps to protect your self and exit the relationship .
You have a great relationship as long as you don't have any needs which he doesn't care to meet.