Gonna keep an eye out for those 👀👀

Agree. I lost all my buccal fat a couple of years ago due to a then-undiagnosed autoimmune disease and I can confirm that it looks nowhere near this extreme when surgery isn’t involved. I was basically a skeleton and skin. Still didn’t look this extreme. And when you’re that thin it shows in places that aren’t your face, so…

My first and biggest piece of advice here: be single for awhile (as in, minimum 6 months but ideally longer) and focus on your healing. It is crucial. When we’re at our lowest points, it’s very easy to manipulate us and for us to lose perspective/good judgment because we’re so hungry for anything that looks like kindness. Makes us miss the warning signs when we choose new partners. And frankly abusive people can just smell trauma.

I’d have fucked things up with my now-husband if I hadn’t taken a couple of years to work on my shit before dating him. Wouldn’t have been my fault - it’s the trauma. But I’m glad I waited and did the work.

YTA for complaining about Annie not having sex with you when you already know the solution is to simply get a new Annie. Like, cmon dude.

This is exactly what my ex did when he got caught. He was a cishet man. Weird how that works - it’s almost like it’s not a gendered issue!

Not my symptoms but there are hundreds of potential celiac symptoms. Just don’t go gluten free until all testing is complete or it’ll compromise the reliability of the test results.

C-levels, 95% of the time. Most execs didn’t get there by being decent people. The money ain’t worth it, and that’s if they’re even generous to partners in the first place.

And musicians, particularly touring ones. I am not a man but I am a musician and have worked with/been friends with (and in a couple of instances dated) many over the years. (Obv there are exceptions to every rule.)

I experienced “corrective rape” with the first partner I told.

I would never speak to my husband this way, and if he ever spoke to me that way we’d have a real fucking problem. How a person communicates their thoughts and feelings matters.

OP, you’re more than enough. The thing about abusers is that it is always about them. They project onto their victims, we could honestly be anyone and it would be the same. Only thing that sometimes shifts is the way they abuse different victims, but it’s never about the person they’re abusing. You didn’t do anything to deserve it, it’s not your fault you stayed or downplayed what was happening to you (look up trauma bonds) and you are enough and deserving of love and kindness.

Abusers are liars, manipulators, and bullies. I know it’s not that simple because trauma doesn’t care about reason, but try to remind yourself that nothing she says or said about you is rooted in truth. Nothing she did to you was your fault.

Breaking up with you was a gift, even though it may not feel like that right now. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. You deserve to be treated well, and I wish you healing.

I don’t love saying this because I know it’s not a simple thing to do but tbh you need legal advice to get him out of your place. Depending on where you live, you may need to go through an actual eviction process to get him out. There are lawyers who specialize in this stuff, and a lot of those lawyers will do a free consultation. I hope some are active in your area.

Alternately, you can start making plans to move when your lease is up so he is not entitled to come with you and won’t have a key. Again, I know that’s not exactly easy to do, but it’s an options.

You can also talk to your landlord about potentially changing the locks and/or look into an order of protection, if you’ve got any proof. If you don’t, consider getting some - recording him doing this shit, etc.

I’m really sorry OP. I hope you and your child can get away from him soon.

The absolute bitterness of making her ex the hot, cool quarterback 😂

I’m told some level of cold feet is normal - although I didn’t experience it, personally. I was excited. I love being in my marriage and I don’t miss being single at all. Honestly it doesn’t sound like you want to be getting married, this sounds like a bit more than simple cold feet.

I’m not judging you! A lot of these feelings are all fair enough, and perfectly valid (I am a little confused by being ashamed to call yourself married or feeling like you should hide it. I haven’t experienced that, but I’m sure you have your reasons for feeling that way. It could also be projection, just something to keep in mind.) I just would suggest really sitting with the question of what your instincts are telling you here. It just doesn’t sound like you’re ready for this, which is okay.

I’m symptomatic and I’d be perfectly comfortable eating their products. Everyone’s comfort line is different though.

Which is great and valid. Bisexuality covers that too. It’s merely having the capacity to be attracted to more than one gender. That can look very different from person to person - it doesn’t change what I said at all. I don’t need everyone I meet to understand the nuances of my sexuality, and I personally don’t care to use “pansexual” because I already have a term that works and I’m not interested in feeding the myth that all bisexuals are the same, or that we’re inherently transphobic. We’re not. (Btw, that’s in reference to the pansexual vs bisexual convo, not calling you transphobic by any means.)

Be well.

I gravitate towards Sulani and San Myshuno. Oasis Springs is cool. And I like Evergreen Harbor, Chestnut Ridge and Tartosa too even though I wish they had more damn lots.

I currently have a few contract writing gigs on the side that are more or less on my own time. A law firm, a visitors bureau, a tech startup. Etc.

Side hustles that worked well for me in the past: logging footage for reality tv (this means transcribing raw footage to enable editors to quickly find the clips they wanted - typing very fast was the main qualifier); cat sitting; working VIP at one-off concerts; art modeling; editing anything and everything (resumes, college applications, articles, even drafting difficult texts for some folks); background (extra) work; content writing (mostly blogs, websites, but some brochures and menus and whatnot were also on the list); social media management; writing a la carte press releases for small businesses.

I realize that most of this is kinda industry specific because I worked in the entertainment industry through my 20’s, so I realize this may not translate well to gigs outside of entertainment. I’m sorry about that! It’s just that this was my experience.

When I was with my abuser and upset about something he’d done, a friend said something interesting to me - he said I was standing with my nose pressed against the canvas and it was keeping me from seeing the whole picture. That friend turned out to be an abuse apologist in the end, but I think the metaphor works here. When you’re being abused, someone is pressing your nose against the canvas. It makes it seem like the trauma bond is everything (because it’s all you can see) and without it you’d be nothing. Leaving is shoving away the hand holding you there. Healing is stepping back and slowly letting the bigger picture enter your frame of reference. Relapse is being overwhelmed and moving back towards that little piece of the painting because even if it’s hell, it’s what you know.

Welcome to the other side - I’m very proud of you for how far you’ve come. I’ve been out a decade, had very effective trauma therapy, and have more or less moved on. I hang out in this sub because I want to do anything I possibly can to give people the support and guidance that I wish I’d had. It’s important for people being abused to hear directly from people who are further down the healing path than they are, to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel from someone who knows firsthand.

I always try to be as soft as possible when I tell people to leave because I remember what it was like when it felt impossible… but at the end of the day it’s the only answer I can responsibly give. Even though it’s impossible to see that when you’re still neck deep in that trauma bond.

I was very reserved as a kid and teen because of the hellscape of a home I grew up in - I wasn’t one for sharing small details about my life or hopes and dreams with others. It kept me safe at home. This didn’t seem to teenage me like it could possibly be something that might hurt people who cared about me, I simply didn’t put myself in my friends’ shoes. And my friends at the time didn’t bring it up often… but I knew they wanted me to share more. I saw myself as mysterious, not cold.

As an adult who has been through trauma therapy… I regret this. Never in a million years did it occur to me that it probably made them feel very rejected and how hurtful that must have been. I was a really damaged kid, which is why I don’t beat myself up about it anymore but I do wish I’d had the capacity to have more empathy for my friends at that point in my life. I am eternally sorry for that.

Honestly, I’m in my 30’s and sharing is still not instinctive for me. But I make a concerted effort to do so anyway, and to not retreat into myself because I saw people wanting to know about my feelings, hopes and dreams as a threat. I guess I’ve finally learned how to show trust in my loved ones.

My line is always some variation on: “I could call myself pansexual because gender is irrelevant to my attraction, but it’s wholly unnecessary because bisexual already has it covered.”

Then there’s the fact that I’m bisexual yet not cisgender. I guess we don’t exist, yall!

I would recommend trauma therapy, yes. (Not all therapists are qualified, even when they think they are, so specifically seek out trauma therapists.) It doesn’t “fix” you but it can help you get tools to move forward and to start moving past her. It’s not impossible to do without therapy, but since you’re struggling to shake this on your own it can absolutely speed up the timeline.

It won’t be like this forever, OP. And don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with you for needing help. I needed help too.

You deserve to be loved, not abused.

You absolutely need to have separate things like butter, peanut butter, jam, etc for yourself. Maybe even keep them in a separate mini fridge if need be. And wheat flour/gluten flour shouldn’t be in the house at all, it gets everywhere. Any wood utensils, scratched nonstick pans, or porous cutting boards need to be separate, with one set only used for gluten free. Dishwashing sponges need to be separate. Good luck, I hope you feel better soon!

Putting hands on somebody is not an acceptable way to resolve arguments or frustrations. A “normal” domestic dispute doesn’t involve violence or cruelty, even when it’s about something serious.

Abusers always move goalposts. If you ever had to go to the hospital he’d just find a new reason it didn’t count as abuse, or was your fault, or both. You deserve so much better than this.

Okay.... so what's the problem?

he’s pretty great

and yet:

But here’s the thing, he is constantly accusing me of cheating. I’m not allowed to post pictures on any social media or have ANY males on any accounts. My accounts are monitored also. I’m restricted from male family members and accused constantly about female family members. Some wild examples are:

I hung out with my baby sister the other day (22f) and he refused to answer my calls and when he got home he wouldn’t speak to me. After hours of begging him to tell me what’s wrong, he finally told me “it’s because the only valid reasoning for seeing my sister was because I wanted to have sex with her” WHAT!?!?!? He does the same thing when I visit my mom. And I’m not allowed to have contact with my brother

same gaslighting and silent treatment when I took HIS female friend to a drs appointment (I only dropped her off) and apparently I only did that because “I feel attracted to her and he KNOWS I at least made out with her” and ended it by saying “and god knows what else you did” … I was just trying to help out a friend

I asked a waiter to refill my water. This was a 50 something year old male. We spent the rest of the time eating in silence and didn’t talk for a day. Finally he told me I didn’t deserve to talk to him because if I “wanted to talk to the waiter so bad I should just go marry him” like what?????????

Him being "great" and everything that you said about him are mutually exclusive concepts. Both can't be true at once. He's not just accusing you of infidelity for no fucking reason, he's going so far as to accuse you of incest. He knows this shit isn't true. He's doing it to hurt you.

finally:

 Is this abuse, or is he just wildly insecure?

These are not mutually exclusive concepts. Damn near all abusers are wildly insecure. It doesn't make their actions non-abusive and it doesn't absolve them of responsibility for how they treat others. They're adults with agency. I get insecure sometimes - I have never once felt it made it my right to hurt others.

This man is incredibly abusive and you deserve better. I know it's not as simple as "just leave", but your kids are learning from this dynamic and it'll impact them as they get older. I know firsthand what it does to a kid's psyche to see their parent get abused by their other parent. And they pick up on this stuff even if you think they don't, even if they don't say anything. Between that and the simple fact that you should not be abused, I recommend starting to think of a plan to get out of there. It may take some time, but even the fantasy can help keep you sane while you're being treated like this.