Give me your best dad jokes, and the ones who make me laugh the hardest and make my boyfriend groan will get an award (you can request a specific one 500 coins and under if you like!)
EDIT: All out of coins now!! But I'll leave this post up for other fellow dadjokers to use their coins if they want to!
Oh I had to read it like 4 times for it to click FFS.
Rolled my eyes so far back I gave myself a facelift.
So you had to let it sink in?
Honestly it was a drain on my brain cell.
My mind is clogged up too.
Keep them flowing, guys.
I was thinking this had ran its course and we should pipe down
I'm trying to think of what to say, but my mind is just flooded with thoughts
I don't want to think a-boat that
Plunged to new depths with that one.
Careful! Don’t go chasing waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to
Rolled my eyes back so far I saw the crack of my arse
It took me a second read through too! I also had the eye roll and a giggle 😂
What’s the best place for a criminal Rainbow? 🌈 In Prism. It’s a light sentence. Hopefully it has time to do some reflection.
FFS
Facelift
Don't get too addicted to the knife, there
Well well well, water we have here
Water you talking about?
Can someone explain this to me?
This argument holds water.
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation center.
The nurse asks the rabbit, "what's your blood type?"
He replies, "oh, I'm a Type-O"
What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Good one. Before I got married I would refer to my fiancé’s mom as my mother-in-sin
The former violates statutory law, the latter breaches common law partner
my neighbor keeps putting soil in my yard.
the plot thickens
This shouldn't be an award winning joke, and yet it's my first LoL in this thread! I salute ye
RIP boiling water.
You will be mist.
You got an eye roll and a headshake from that 😂 I'm all out of coins now, but I'd have given you an award if I could!
Next week is diarrhea awareness week. Runs until Friday.
When driving past a cemetery, “See that fence? People are dying to get in there.”
Oh my dad says this all the damn time. 38 years of my life and he still says it if I go anywhere with him and we pass a cemetery.
I'm sure dad's secretly get a book handed to them at the birth of their first child.
The joke that NEVER dies!!
See that cemetery? They only bury one kind of person there. Dead.
And they only bury them one way. Face up.
I always say, "that's the dead center of [city]"
What's a Stormtrooper's favorite store?
.
.
.
The one next to target
If R2 is short for R2-D2, what’s luke short for?
A stormtrooper
What's the internal body temper of a tauntaun?
Luke warm.
If they don't get your star wars puns, you're looking for love in Alderaan places
This one made me chuckle out loud
There was no Juan there!
This is one of my favourites! I think its made him groan before, so we'll have to see if it makes him groan again 😂
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
If it had 4 doors in would be a chicken sedan.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where does a pirate go to get his hook?
He goes to the second hand store.
How much does a rainbow weigh?
Not much, its actually pretty light.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "P" is silent.
My favorite anti-joke, once your circle has heard the pterodactyl joke a few times…
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent?
No, because they’re all DEAD.
Did you know the people who live in Melbourne can't be buried in Melbourne Cemetery? Why? Because they're not dead yet
(My dad's actual favourite joke)
I was trying to steal some spaghetti from the local supermarket but the security lady saw me and I couldn't get pasta
My wife called me a sex machine. The exact phrase she said was “you’re a fucking tool”, but I knew what she meant.
Edit: thank you for the awards!
You actually got a full body laugh out of both of us for this, so you definitely get an award!! 😂
I’m glad you liked it! I have been enjoying the jokes jn this thread. Have a wonderful day!
What does a vegetarian zombie eat?
Graaaains
You got a sarcastic ha-ha-ha from my boyfriend, I'd take that as good as a groan 😂
I once met a shy pebble.
She wished she was a little bolder.
Edit! Aw, thank you for the award! I take no credit for the joke, someone else told it here a while back and I loved it then. ❤️
Let her listen to the rolling stones for courage.
I think my wife had sixty one partners before me…she calls me her sixty second lover.
You got an actual laugh out of my boyfriend for this one 😂
Mine thinks my roots reach back to the revolutionary war, refers to me as he minute man
One minute if by land, 2 minutes if by sea
That’s why we STILL have a water bed
Deaf/Mute newlyweds sorting things out. Wife signs to hubby, " If you want to have sex, squeeze my left breast three times. If not, just squeeze it once. Hubby ponders and signs back. if you want to have sex, tug my willie once. If not, tug him 150 times.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with. She said, "yes, the rest were sevens and eights."
I used to have a job crushing pepsi cans, it was soda pressing.
I know that Geology rocks, but Geography is where it's at.
That one was off the charts!
Are you a geologist?
Because I see you cummingtonite.
Gneiss
I bet if she shows him her cleavage he'll let her test his hardness...
Edit- downvotes from folks that don't know geology terms. Thanks, folks.
If you’re cold, go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
How do Vikings send secret messages? Norse code.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet? (Everyone guesses “Arrr”) “pirate voice Ah, ye think that, but me true love be the C!”
Could also be Aye, Aye. They love it soo much, they say it twice!
I adopted a pet newt and named it tiny. Why? Because it's my newt.
What do you call an Irish tomb full of coins. A crypt o'currency
What do you get if a dinosaur kicks you in the backside? Megasoreass.
My drug dealer sold me a pair of shoes. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I been trippin all day.
Earth is 70% water and uncarbonated.
Technically…it is flat.
This is the one that actually made me groan! #angryupvote
This joke has never got a laugh, it has only produced 'for fuck sake' and groans
Did you know that the word Boo, is a aboriginal term meaning to return. Because when you throw an ordinary meringue, it doesn't come back
Well youve just had two belly laughs from us! 😂😂 I read it out and when it clicked (we didn't get the boo-meringue at first) we both laughed 😂
My wife bought a package of graph paper.
I think she's plotting something.
My wife does this too, periodically. I think it's a sine.
I used to be a werewolf, but I’m alright nooooooooooow!
I used to be dyslexic, but I'm KO now.
Oh I love this one 😂 we'll have to see my boyfriend's reaction when he wakes up, cause its one of my favourites 😂
Thanks! 😁 I hope he likes it. It’s one of my dad’s favourite jokes. But the one he said most often was “Who wants tea? Ok, I’ll put the kettle on. If it fits! 😒
If I were a wolf....
He's a was wolf
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
NSFW
what's the dif between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a hooker with diarrhea?
the corn farmer with epilepsy shucks between fits ...
These are my favorite! I told my 70 year old Dad this one and he shared this new nugget with me:
What’s the difference between a circus and a burlesque show?
A circus is a cunning array of stunts
So dunno if it's a good joke, but it is one I made.
I have a polish friend, he's a sound guy. I have a czech one too, czech one too.
It did make me laugh, so its a good one 😂 I'll give an update on whether my boyfriend groans when I tell it to him 😂
Oh also Iam sorry, I didn't make that one, I forgot to remove that part. Intended to write different joke at first.
Well, my boyfriend did groan! 😂 And I laughed too, so it's a jackpot here.
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field
My girlfriend asked me to stop playing Wonderwall
I said Maybe...
Damn you for getting that song stuck in my head 😂
Well, there is nothing worse than having a Cranberries song stuck in your heeeeeaad...In your heeeeeaad...
-Do you know why the nearsighted man fell down the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
-How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on him.
-Did you hear about the man who stayed up all night wondering where the sun went until it finally dawned on him?
-Do you know why cannibals don't eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
-Last night, some jerk broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick! I mean, how low can you go?
These were just a few off the top of my head. Share and enjoy!
After the rabbit joke, use this:
-How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on him!
-Did you hear about the man who stayed up all night wondering where the sun went until it finally dawned on him?
This reminds me of another one: I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
What is the mane thing lions and horses have in common?
My wife hated this one yesterday.
Why are horses so stubborn? They are neigh sayers
Goats are so hard to impress. Whenever I ask mine what they think about something exciting, they just say "meh"
My wife said she’d kill me if I kept singing songs by The Monkees. I thought she was joking….but then I saw her face
If you weigh a whale at the downtown whale-weigh station, where do you weigh a pie?
.
.
Somewhere over the rainbow.
.
.
Edit to say thanks for the unexpected awards and upvotes. Wish I was smart enough to claim credit for it, but it's shamelessly stolen from this sub, maybe a year or two ago.
I bought a pencil with two erasers. It was pretty pointless.
What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A Roman Catholic
I used to have a job at the zoo circumcising the elephants
The pay was lousy, but the tips were enormous
Good job you have steady hands, otherwise you’d have got the sack
Guide at the Olympics sees a man walking towards him with a really long stick. Asks him "Are you a pole vaulter?" Man replies "No I am German. But how did you know my name was Walter?"
What did the drummer name his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking her.
That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
What comes between fear and sex?
Fünf
What did the buffalo say when he dropped his child off at school?
Bye son! (Bison)
Why do seagulls live by the sea? If they lived by the bay they would be bagels.
Why does Norway have barcodes on their ships? Scandinavian
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
I used to hate facial hair, then it grew on me.
Most bobcats are in fact, not named Bob.
Why don't skeletons ride roller coasters? They just don't have the stomach for it.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school today????? It's ok, he woke up. (I used this a lot on my wife. Gets her every damn time)
You can't run through a campsite. Only ran, it's past tents.
Ok, that's enough for now! I'll be back later!
Where does a king keep his army? In his sleevy!
I used to have a soap addiction, it's alright I'm clean now.
My friend told me that he thinks I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid...But I can stop anytime.
Yesterday someone gave me some dead batteries. They were free of charge.
Bonus:
Why don't people laugh at dog jokes? Because dogs can't talk.
My wife didn't believe me when I told her that I could make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
I used to be really into farm machinery, but I'm not anymore...
I'm an ex-tractor fan...
Here’s a different angle, You could say I’m a fan of tractors: I’m protractor.
A cute comment, how obtuse of me not to think of it!
It was definitely acute joke
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey.
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put the wrong sock on this morning
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire
what did the sushi say to the bee?
wasabi
I invented a cold air balloon. I expected to get rich and famous, but for some reason, it never took off...
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo... So I had to put my foot down.
As part of the company's sustainability efforts, we created an entire concept car out sustainable plant matter.
The seats were cotton. The sunroof was bamboo. The steering wheel was made from cactus fibres. We repurposed an entire greenhouse of different flora, from mighty trees to sprawling vines, we found a use for it. Even the paintwork was replaced by tree bark. There was just one problem.
The engine wooden start.
If you go into the bathroom American and come out Canadian, what are you while you're in there?
European.
That reply gets an award just because it made me laugh so hard I snorted 😂 it'll probably make my boyfriend groan too 😂
What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and glue?
You can't piano a tuna.
If they ask about the glue, you reply, "I knew you'd get stuck on that."
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph. Because he's too short to be an essay
Last night, somebody stole my limbo stick. I mean, how low can you go?
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax? For Hispanic attack
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Two antennas get married. The ceremony was alright, but the reception was amazing!
I got fired from my job building keyboards at the computer factory. I wasn't putting in enough shifts
Maybe I should try to get a new job at the mirror factory. That's something I can see myself doing.
I visited my mates farm, and he said he wanted help to round up his 18 cows.
I said, "No worries mate, thats 20 cows!"
I've developed an irrational fear of escalators.
I always find myself taking steps to avoid them.
Where does a 3 legged horse sleep? In the unstable
My favourites I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one! Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I've never had a lentil on my face
I remember what my old man said to me just before he kicked the bucket, he said “u/LGPxters, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
A baby seal walks into a club.....
Swimming with the sharks is expensive. It cost me an arm and a leg.
Did you hear about the mermaid who got addicted to seaweed?
She had to sea kelp
My favorite kind of takes a specific area, and a visual.. but basically I'll be driving along and I loudly proclaim DAM!! And then the other person is like whats wrong? What happened etc. And then I point at it and say, oh, there's a dam over there.
I also like The doctor told me I got the peek-a-boo virus They sent me straight to ICU
What do you call two guys each standing either side of a window?
Curt ‘n’ Rod
Which animals at the Bronx Zoo should you never play cards with?
The cheetahs
There was a pretty bad storm that came through last night. It destroyed 25% of my roof.
Oof!
I asked my wife of I'm the only one she has ever slept with. She said yes! Everyone else was at least a 4.
Women should stop having children at 25.
26 kids is just too many.
One that actually made the child laugh..
Why doesn't the king wave with this hand? (Lift left hand). Becuase it's my hand.
My buddy got fired from his job because he kept asking people if they wanted smoking or non-smoking.
Apparently the correct terms are burial or cremation.
What's E.T. short for?
He's only got little legs.
Did you hear the one about the zen master at a hotdog stand? He said "I'll have one with everything"
My wife asked why our daughter, who was one at the time, was leaving her musical instruments all over the kitchen. My response:
Where else do you keep your jam?
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
What did one saggy boob said to another saggy boob. If we dont get support, people think we are nuts
I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
I finally found the rare 'the sound of wasps vinyl' but when I played it it didn't sound right. Turns out it was the bee side.
I’m trying to make a an illustrated kids’ book about military officers, but I’m having severe writer’s block. . . . So far all I have is a general outline.
Where do polar bears store their money?
Why, a Snow Bank, of course!
Why does playing hide and seek with best friends take so long?
Because good friends are hard to find.
My doctor gave me Viagra instead of sleeping pills!
I was up all night!
At least you didn't roll out of bed.
Ask him "Have you noticed that there are jokes about white sugar but you never see jokes about brown sugar?"
When he replies, just say "it's because Demarara"
Note: this may be a UK only joke lol
Try these:
1. Why is king charles always wet? 'cause he is the reigning monarch (get it? Raining and reigning)
2. What sound does a bouncing plane make? Boeing! Boeing!
I went to the doctor because my left knee hurt like hell. The doctor sat down on his stool to check my knee and suddenly he told me i had to stop masturbating.
I was shocked and asked him what that had to do with my bad knee.
He replied "nothing, but it's very distracting".
What do you call a swimming terrorist ?
A bath bomb
A man had a lot of free time on his hand and he couldn't figure out how to pass the time quickly. So he ate a clock because it was very time consuming.
Me - "Look at that flock of cows!" Son - "Herd of cows", Me - "yes I have, you heard of chickens?"
Man, being a vampire hunter would be the worst job to have come back and bite you in the ass.
What happened to the beans when they are late for work?
They got canned
If May 4th is Dutch Remembrance Day, and May 5th is Dutch Liberation Day…wouldn’t they collectively be known as the Holland Days?
It’s another reason to get sauced.
Excuse me, are you the grave digger? No, I'm just filling in!
What did the windmill say when it met its favorite celebrity? "Oh my God, I'm such a huge fan!"
When I went to the barn this morning, the sheep and cows seemed a bit annoyed. You might say they were in a baaad moood. The frogs in the pond on the other hand were much hoppier.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? When they say "r", you say "you'd think so, but me first love be the c" (in your best pirate accent).
How do you get over a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
A dentist gets a phone call to say that his wife has had a car crash and is in critical condition. He rushes to the hospital only to find her in her room with the shadowed figure of the Grim Reaper looming over her.
"Wait!" Says the dentist, "I challenge you to a contest! Legend says that if I beat you in a contest you will spare my loved ones life."
The Reaper pauses, regards the dentist and slowly nods it's head in acquiescence.
The dentist says "I bet my wife's life that I can clean my teeth better than you can clean yours."
Again, the Reaper agrees and with a flash of brilliant light it produces a toothbrush and begins to clean. The results are sparkling, almost mirror bright teeth. The dentist takes his turn now, producing his own toothbrush and gets to work. Furiously he scrubs his teeth until he can do no more and sure enough, his teeth are even cleaner than the Reapers own, forcing the Reaper to bow it's head in defeat.
With another blinding flash, the Reaper is gone, and the dentists wife sits up in her bed looking confused. She asks "where am I? What happened?"
The dentist replies "you're in hospital my love, but don't worry, I've made sure you're going to be ok."
His wife asks "what do you mean you've made sure of it?"
The dentist says "well my love, you won't believe this but you aren't the only one that's just had a brush with death.
My friend couldn't pay his water bill, so I sent him a "get well soon" card