As many of you know, our subreddit has been a valuable space for survivors of childhood sexual abuse to connect, share experiences, and support one another. To further enhance our community and provide a more private environment for discussions, we are excited to announce that we will soon be launching a Discord server to complement our subreddit.
The primary goal of this Discord server is to offer a private and secure space for our members to engage in conversations and share resources away from the public nature of Reddit. We believe that Discord provides better privacy options and will allow us to create a more controlled and supportive environment.
To ensure the safety and privacy of our members, we plan to implement a verification process for accessing the private sections of the Discord server. This verification will be based on your posting history on Reddit, demonstrating your active participation in our community or similar ones (ie. any of the mental health support subreddits).
As we prepare to launch the server, we are seeking input from our community members:
If you have experience creating or moderating Discord servers, we would greatly appreciate any advice or best practices you can share to help us set up a safe and welcoming space.
We are also looking for members who would be interested in joining the server early, before we finalize all the details. This will help us test features, gather feedback, and ensure that everything runs smoothly before opening it up to the entire community.
If you are interested in being a moderator for the Discord server, please let us know. We value your commitment to maintaining a supportive and inclusive environment.
Please comment below, or send me a private message if you have any suggestions, would like to be an early member, or are interested in being a moderator. Your input is invaluable as we work to create a space that best serves our community's needs.
Thank you for your continued support and engagement. We look forward to launching this Discord server and providing another avenue for connection and healing.
We wanted to take a moment to address an unfortunate issue that sometimes crops up in online communities like ours - receiving unwelcome, inappropriate, or harassing messages in your DMs (direct messages).
First and foremost, if this has happened to you, please know that it is absolutely not your fault. You are not responsible for someone else's abusive or predatory behaviour. Harassment is a reflection on the person engaging in it, not on you. You did nothing to invite or deserve it.
If you receive a message that makes you uncomfortable, upset, or unsafe, here are some steps you can take:
Do not engage. You are under no obligation to respond to the person, even if they try to pressure you.
Take screenshots of the messages if you feel comfortable doing so. This documents the behaviour in case further action is needed.
Block the user who sent the unwelcome messages. This will prevent them from being able to contact you further.
Report the messages and user to Reddit admins here. This alerts them to look into the account for potential sitewide violations.
Let the mod team know. While we can't control DMs, we want to be aware of concerning patterns of behaviour from users in our community. We will keep reports confidential while making sure they are banned from posting or commenting here.
Prioritize self-care. Do something nice for yourself and lean on trusted support people. Receiving harassment can be very upsetting. Be gentle with yourself.
You are a valued member of our community and deserve to participate without being targeted or made to feel unsafe. No one should have to deal with unwanted messages, period.
If you have any other concerns, please feel free to reach out to the mod team. We're here for you.
I’m wondering how much you should resist your sexuality if you’re suspicious that part of it is because of your trauma.
Ie if you are gay because you were abused by someone of the opposite sex, does that mean you should work to heal yourself so you “can be attracted to the same sex again”?
If you are in heterosexual relationships but have an inkling that you might be queer, should you abstain from heterosexual dating so you can “fix” your sexual attraction / sexuality?
I’m having a lot of guilt and confusion over my sexuality. I feel like being queer does not count, if I might be subconsciously avoiding people of the opposite sex, because I was abused by the opposite sex. Why do I put so much pressure about this on myself? Does it even matter? I just want to be happy, truly happy, not just living a life dictated by trauma response. So i want to be sure of my sexuality. Idk
My (24F) brother (31M) molested me when I was 5-6 and he was 12-13. We shared a bedroom, so when I was scared, I would climb into his bed and that's when it would happen. I repressed the memories until I was 12. I remembered two distinct memories, but I don't know how long it happened for or how many times.
I think it's ruined me. I became incredibly depressed and have been since. I started self harming at 12. I was hypersexual. Always boy crazy. Fell in love with any guy that gave me attention. Lost my virginity young. Went from one toxic relationship to the next. Can never maintain frienships. I struggle with intimacy with my current partner. I have nightmares about him trying to touch me. I've managed, though. I'm successful. Did well in school. Have a good career and a good LTR, but there's this deep sadness and pain that never goes away. I'm just functionally depressed at this point. I always wonder who I'd be if it never happened to me. Would I have avoided the situations after which caused me even more subsequent trauma? Would I be happy and confident?
The worst part is that my family is really close. I love my brother, so I pretend like it never happened or that it isn't a big deal anymore. I've told past boyfriends, but never my own family. I've been managing to do that for a decade. Some days (or even weeks) I don't even think about it at all, but days like today, it just debilitates me.
I want to take it to the grave, but then I worry for my future kids. Will they ask me why I never let them sleep over at their cousin's house. Will I ever forgive myself if he does it to someone else?
I hate that so much of my life and who i am was determined by something that never should have happened to me.
I'm not in therapy atm, but am actively looking for one.
Posting this here because I’m really not sure what else to do. This is going to be incredibly long winded but I wouldn’t be really appreciative if even one person could read all of this and give me some advice.
Here’s my story:
Recently I had a long conversation with a close friend that lead me to the realisation that I was likely a victim of CSA. I’ve always been pretty aware of what happened but I never considered it to be anything major or severe and thought it was pretty normal.
This friend has a lot of CSA trauma himself that I have always felt is way worse than mine and I guess I used his experiences as a benchmark for what real CSA is which in turn made mine seem insignificant. During our talk he told me that I shouldn’t compare my experiences to his or anyone else’s and that they are still equally as bad even if I think other people might have it worse. Hearing this from him felt very validating as I always felt that me calling myself a victim was almost an insult to what he’s been through. Having his “blessing” to think of myself as a victim has really helped me come to terms with a lot of this.
My memories of the whole thing are pretty hazy and still I can’t remember exactly how or when it started, but sometime around the age of 11-12 I started having a lot of online sexual encounters with older men over websites like Omegle, chat roulette etc. It also happened on social media sites like Amino and Kik but I’m not sure which came first. I have no idea how I felt about it the first time but I know there was definitely a point where I enjoyed it and would actively seek it out. I would spend hours everyday on Omegle, naked with my webcam on, waiting to find someone that would have sex with me. They were always older men. I remember I would get upset when people wouldn’t talk with me when they found out my age because it made me feel rejected so I started lying and saying I was older than I was (would tell people I was 13-14 instead of 11-12 because I thought it made me sound “grown up and mature”, yikes).
Around the time this was all happening I was having a huge bout of hypersexuality and would be having daily cybersex with what must have amassed to hundreds of strangers online over all different platforms, there even came a point where I started to seek out sexual relations with older men in person, though to my memory nothing ever happened. I would start “accidentally” leaving toilet stalls unlocked or loudly masturbating in public toilets in hopes that someone would find me and assault me. On holiday I would go on walks by myself through isolated beach areas with my trunks resting a little too low for the same reason.
(TW for self harm and EDs)
At the time I didn’t know any of this, but I am now out and proud as a trans woman and am currently in the process of getting a diagnosis for Autism and ADHD which I imagine probably contributed to why I was such an easy target at the time. A little while after everything started I became suicidal, developed a pretty intense eating disorder and started cuttting myself. I think this along with the heavy gender dysphoria I was feeling at the time made me very desperate to receive validation.
One time I had a man contact me on Amino and solicit me for nudes. A few hours later this progressed to me, stupidly, giving him my WhatsApp number so that we could video call. On this call he started by making me show my face clearly for the camera and say my age (14) out loud and then he would instruct me on things to do (masturbate, show parts of my body etc..). I was even wearing a personalised t shirt with my first name on to add insult to injury. After a while I became pretty conscious of the fact that he didn’t appear to be joining in and was just watching and giving instructions so I made up an excuse and left the call. He continued messaging me the rest of the day asking to continue. I eventually blocked him but I was TERRIFIED. I had broken all of my personal rules and given this man my face, name, even phone number and so much blackmail content. For months and even years afterwards I had frequent panic attacks about the idea of him sending that video to my family or trying to blackmail me with it, though thankfully nothing ever happened.
Around this point I started to develop a huge deal of shame surrounding my hypersexuality. I remember treating the situation like I was a drug addict, I would try and try to stop doing this but would eventually “relapse” and hate myself for it. I thought I was dirty and disgusting for engaging in things like this but couldn’t stop myself. My friends at the time were the kind of people that ridiculed the kids in my year who got their nudes leaked for “being a slut and sending them in the first place” so this wasn’t something I could ever talk with them about. This was also around the time our school started showing us all these videos about kids that sent nudes to their partners and ended up on registers for creating and distributing CP so reporting it was also not an option. Around this time I became terrified that someone would send the videos of me they had to the police and have me put on a register. To this day I still find it really difficult to engage with any media or conversation around the topic of sex offenders and pedophiles because I have frequent intrusive thoughts about these things resurfacing and me getting arrested for them. I want desperately to be a successful artist but am so scared to become famous in case I’m recognised from this.
Around age 16 I got drunk and told someone for the first time about what had happened (just the Omegle stuff) and he later went on to spread it to a few of our friends (as well as my new boyfriend) after we got into an argument. The initial reaction wasn’t great but it was forgotten pretty quickly.
Around this time I think was when I was first touched inappropriately. There was this guy that I knew back from school. When I was 13 I was in a relationship with one of my friends who was 15-16 and after we broke up one of his friends, T (16), expressed that he found me attractive and tried to sext with me. I was pretty nervous at the time and declined so nothing came from it.
When I was 15 and about to do my exams, T, who was now 18-19, resurfaced and asked me if I was out of school yet. He sent me nudes on multiple occasions from this point and I engaged but didn’t send any back for fear that he would leak them. The second I turned 16 I met up with him at night at a park near us to go for a walk. Amongst other things I needed to get a hold of some vodka for a party I was having with my friends and I was hoping he would be able to buy it for me since the drinking age is 18 where I am. Whilst sitting and talking on a bench down the canal path he would repeatedly pull me onto his lap and stick his hands in my pants. Eventually whilst we were walking he pulled me into a wooded area and started making out with me. I wasn’t really sure what to do and kind of froze up, he was older than me and much bigger which I was sort of getting off to but I couldn’t stop my body’s panic response. He grabbed my hand and put it on his cock, I’m not sure how I felt at the time but I know I had to leave because I was shaking so intensely and I felt embarrassed about it.
A few weeks later I went over to his house and slept with him. I knew beforehand that it would happen and I guess did it because I thought it was a cool risky sexy adventure. When it happened though he was very forceful and did a lot of pretty gross stuff.(TW for the specifics)
Afterwards I felt really disgusted in myself, I cried on the way home and didn’t get over it for a little while. Now a part of me feels turned on when I think about it. I wore my favourite trousers that day and it took me a while to be able to wear them again.
I later got into a relationship. I was in this relationship for a while but had a lot of struggles with sex. Not that I would ‘freeze up’ or become anxious like I’ve read a lot of people seem to do, but I would just lose interest the further I got into the relationship. For a while I even considered that I could be asexual because I was always so disinterested in having sex with my partner but then I would get a message from a stranger hitting on me and it was like I came to life. I would never send anything because I knew it was wrong, but the panic response I got (really intense shaking and sweating, general anxiety) also just made me really turned on.
Eventually I left this relationship and went to uni at 18 where I got hooked on Grindr. I think in the space of a year I had somewhere around 25 in person hookups and many more sexting experiences, all with men older than me, some in their 30s-40s. I started putting myself in increasingly more dangerous sexual situations. I would meet up with middle aged men in forests at 4am to have unprotected sex with them, or would invite them into my dorm to do the same. I noticed that whenever I felt unsafe or taken advantage of was when I got off to it the most and started seeking out more situations that made me feel that way.
During these years there was a lot of weird touching. Countless times I would go out and have my ass grabbed in the street, or slapped in bars. I had a man once in his 40s sit down next to me whilst I was talking with my friends and stick his hands directly in my underwear. Everyone spent the whole night asking me if I was okay but honestly I wasn’t even the slightest bit upset. The next time we went out I wore a shorter skirt because I was secretly hoping I would see him again. At this same bar I even had one of the bar staff, a woman in her 50s, pull my top down and start playing with my nipples in front of my friends, completely unprompted and out of the blue. This bar is advertised as an LGBTQIA+ safe space but I think I’ve had more incidents here than anywhere else, maybe that’s why I went so often.
The risk seeking behaviour continued and it progressed to me going out in “skimpy” outfits (things like bralettes and short skirts), getting really really drunk and then splitting off from my friends so that I could walk home through the shadiest parts of town, things like dark allies and canal paths in the hope that someone would assault me. I’m aware that this is a really horrible mentality to have and I am in no way trying to suggest that people doing this like this are “asking for it” but in this case I literally was.
Eventually I met my current boyfriend and we have a really great relationship. We are very monogamous and he is the loveliest guy I have ever met, he is attractive, treats me like royalty and is extremely attentive to my needs in the bedroom. The only problem is he has a really high sex drive and suddenly, once again, now that I’m in a relationship mine towards him is extremely low.
I feel so safe and protected around him and know that I have full control over anything that happens in the bedroom which should be ideal but it just means that I’m not that into it. I feel as though there is such a strong link in my brain between sex and feeling unsafe and afraid that now it’s just hard for me to enjoy it without that?? Even with that knowledge though I have no idea what I’m supposed to do about it. I told him little snippets of this part and he suggested that we try CNC but I know that wouldn’t work for me because deep down I would still feel safe and in control. This all feels really distressing to me because I know that he is absolutely perfect but all of this is just making me doubt my feelings for him. I fear that I can never be in a normal, happy relationship without sacrificing sexual satisfaction all because of some stupid things I did as a preteen. Even now when I sleep with him sometimes I think back on some of these experiences and it turns me on. One time he trimmed his chest hair and it really reminded me of the man that recorded me on WhatsApp. I feel like this should have freaked me out or caused some kind of big panic response but honestly I was all over him that week. I don’t think I could ever tell him that.
The risk taking behaviour still continues now. My boyfriend always expresses concern for me, talking about how terrified he is that I might get assaulted if he isn’t there to protect me and how much it upsets him when he hears that I’ve been groped by strangers when he isn’t around. I don’t have the heart to tell him that I secretly like it. I feel so terrible about it because I feel like I should be loyal to my loving, caring, amazing boyfriend but I feel like my brain is hard wired this way and I have no idea what to do about it.
This has all been really long and probably very jumbled so sorry about that. Thank you if you read until the end though. I’ve only really started to come to terms with all of this in the past couple of weeks so it’s quite a lot to comb back over, I’m it sure how much of it is actually relevant but I guess it helps to build a full profile.
I still think there must be things I’ve blocked out. Like I said I have no memory at all of how it all started. There’s a part of me that feels maybe there’s some worse event that I’ve blocked out because it just doesn’t make sense to me what could have made me seek out so much sexual validation at such a young age.
Honestly writing all of this out kind of just highlights to me how depraved my brain has become. A lot of this I still don’t feel great about and I think my current thought processes about a lot of things are really fucked up. I really want to change the way my brain works but I’m scared that it’s too late and I have no idea how to even go about it. I’m making some steps to try talking therapy but I think “my brain only enjoys sex when I’m in danger because that’s what my formative experiences were like” isn’t very helpful without a way to actually fix that, if it’s even possible.
I’m still on the fence about whether or not I can even call myself a CSA victim. I know that it’s bad to compare your trauma and experiences to others but I still think that whilst I was too young to officially give consent, I was still very much into it and most of the time solicited it myself.
I guess I don’t know how to be in a relationship. Things happened to me when I was a child, I have gross dreams and flash backs of me and my dad.. motel rooms, and his friend. I was 6. Anyways. I’ve been in 3 serious relationships in my life, 2 in which are both with men 15 years older than me. I’m in my 20s. The one I’m currently in is messed up. I’ve opened up to him about what happened to me, things happened to him too when he was a child, so I guess he understood, I never really enjoyed s3x until I met him, my other relationships I kind of just did it because it was something you’re supposed to do. This guy made me feel really comfortable, and loved doing it with him, he asked me to start calling him daddy or master and he calls me baby girl, at first I thought it was weird because of my past, I always thought it was weird how my girlfriends would call their boyfriends daddy too, but I just went with it and it started to become the normal thing now in our relationship, we have sex multiple times a day, I wake to him having sex with me and he tells me he will be done soon, or I just you know have sex too… sometimes I say I’m too tired (he fights with me a lot, until like 5AM for days straight) and then has sex with me… anyways, things have turned ugly, I found him cheating, with multiple women, i have no idea how he even gets the energy for that. I confronted him, he became aggressive and broke 2 of my phones my car and has pulled my hair and choked me, I leave and end up going back because he cries and threatens to off himself, I said you shouldn’t be a gun owner if that’s how you’re going to be. He has 18 guns. The last time we had sex he cut me up pretty bad, it was so romantic at the beginning and it suddenly turned and was hurting me, he said because he felt more secure leaving me like that because he was leaving town for a week, I have scratches on my chest down to my stomach and all down my back I was bleeding and it stung for a while going to sleep. So I have zero self love. Nobody knows what happened to me, well I did tell my mom and she brushed it under the rug (what happened when I was young) and never brought it up since. I just keep going through these cycles, I’m scared to even tell someone what happened to me, I’m scared to ruin other people’s lives? Like why? So the guy I’m with gets out of jail this week, had his guns taken away from him from police. I blocked him off everything and his family and friends, he obviously doesn’t know that yet, I’m going to try therapy, maybe anti depressants… but I feel like I can’t be completely open in therapy because of what I just said, and maybe being judged… also a little sad I might not feel that comfortable with anyone else ever again. I should jump off a cliff lol
TW: s*x abuse
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Looking for a book on reclaiming femininity, womanhood, after sexual assault/abuse. Gender confusion/masculinity to ward off men, what it means to be a woman. Thanks.
I've recently been coming to terms with the fact that I was sexually abused. My mom used to use suppositories on me when I was sick, both anally and vaginally without my consent. This occurred when I was a small child, up until my late teens. If I peed the suppository out, she would yell at me and make me do it again. I am in my thirties and still disturbed by this. All supportive comments welcome!
Hey y’all! So about a year ago I started having flashbacks of CSA that I’d experienced at a really young age (like 3-4 yrs old). They started off being solely somatic (no imagery) and felt like intense nausea, fear, &/or panic usually triggered by seeing guys that reminded me of the perpetrator(s) that I couldn’t explicitly remember. It was also often triggered by certain types of music - any songs that were too fast, overstimulating, or sexual. Though I had no explicit recollection in my mind of what exactly had happened to me - I just somehow knew during the flashbacks that it was without a doubt CSA (the feeling of being preyed upon, being pinned down, etc.). About a month or two later I had a full body flashback which paralyzed me from the head down and included a flashing image of an older kid hovering over me partly naked. I remember feeling paralyzed with terror and deep disgust and certain aspects of the imagery stood out or gripped me more than others; for some reason his nakedness was almost muted in my mind and all I could focus on was his face. His eyes in particular-they seemed so big and dark. Anyway, it’s been almost a year. I haven’t had another flashback like that, only the occasional somatic ones like before. This trauma, these memories have never before made themselves known to me and now it’s all I think about it. It haunts me and it’s so frustrating because I feel like I don’t know or remember enough to have the right to say I was raped or molested and yet I’ve felt more than enough to know that I was. It just feels so distant and unreal (until I’m having flashbacks) and I wish these memories weren’t so buried and didn’t feel so detached from myself. It’s almost as if they are memories from a different self (like I’m split inside myself).
Hope that made sense but basically I was hoping for some insight or advice. 💙
Recently, my father was arrested and is awaiting charges for CSA images on his computer.
Since his arrest, it’s raised a LOT of questions.
I’ve tried to keep myself seperate from all of it, as my relationship with him has never been good.
However, months after he got in trouble with the law, I’ve started having memory flashbacks now in my 30s.
My first flashback was of me trying to show my brother how I put on ‘lipstick’. The lipstick in question was his body part, not makeup. We were 3/4.
I have other memories of playing sexual games with other children far too young. And being the instigator of such games. I’m horrified with myself.
Where did I learn such things? I can’t help but feel this overwhelming feeling that something happened to me when I was too young. When I try to think about it, it feels like my head might burst.
I’ve had nightmares since before I first started school. Wet the bed until I was 10. Have had some god awful abusive relationships and got caught up in the sex industry. Even participating in DDlg ‘kinks’.
I feel like my life is the trademark stamp of someone who was SA as a small child.
Any words or insight would be greatly appreciated. I’m not really sure why I’m here writing this, other than I need it to go somewhere.
Context: some memories are coming back (I was around 4-7).
I feel like I deserved it, as if this was the natural order of things. I *have* to get abused because that's how it works. This is why I didn't do anything when I was touched in my sleep a few months ago, this is why I didn't react when someone rubbed up against me at a party last week.
I'm sorry and frustrated because I can't formulate what I want to say, I feel dizzy writing this.
I(FtM20) want to establish a basic timeline to explain how my behavior has changed from SA.
TW below for sexual assault descriptions:
Even though I never spoke to her again after that night, I cannot distinguish romantic or platonic feelings like the title says. I felt like I had the ability to before, but now it feels like the slate's been wiped clean.
After the assault, I keep nearly all of my friends at an arm's length because of my inability to determine my feelings, barring the two exceptions that I mentioned below. I'll randomly be hit with terrified feelings, speculating on romantic intentions or just get intrusive sexual thoughts, and feel uncomfortable to the point where I don't feel comfortable touching them. The few time I give hugs to friends I've known for years, I feel utterly horrified and I can't control it. I don't hug or high five any of my friends. I barely text some.
I felt and still feel like I stumbled into a relationship with my partner(M19) through pure chance, although I love him I can't understand the whirlwind of feelings that surround him. I feel awful thinking about it, as we've been in a relationship for about 3 years at this point. I feel like I love him but I don't feel much at all at the same time and it makes me hysterical.
Almost two years ago I began a friendship with another transman(I'll say "A"), and I instantly felt strangely towards him. I can't even tell if it was love. I felt so lost sexually, romantically, or platonically. I spoke with my partner about it, and he was surprisingly fine with it, which I'm forever thankful for. "A" and I never explored romantic or sexual feelings, although we did occasionally have open dialogue about that stuff. Recently our relationship imploded (for reasons I won't mention) and the weird feelings got dragged up again. It feels like heartbreak. I can't do anything other than sleep or play games to distract myself. I've only had 2 actual meals in 3 days, anytime I eat I feel a pit in my stomach. I've had breakdowns of friendships before from friends who I have known for longer, but I've never had this bad of a reaction. A hurricane of sexual confusion and romantic thoughts has been unleashed through this, and I don't even know what to do anymore.
I feel so alone because of my own doing, because of my lack of comprehension. I'll be relatively fine for weeks even though I keep to myself both emotionally and physically, but one thought or trigger can send me into a spiral that lasts for days. At the moment, there's so much going on at once that I can't help but feel like what I've experienced in the past has infinitely worsened my coping mechanisms or thought processes.
Just had a full blown panic attack at work because of a comment my coworker made to me. It's a long story. But he made a joke about my "stepdad doing a number on me" and I am stuck now. I'm stuck back there and I'm sitting at my desk at work I've told my boss it's going to HR and I'm still just sitting here and in my head it's literally
All
Right
There
It's all there. I can't stop feeling the red satin sheets and seeing that knife with the bone handle and the way the window bricks looked from below and the feeling. The feeling. I'm stuck and I can't get out and I'm at work. I'm supposed to work. I'm supposed to be normal. How? How? How can I be normal when I'm 26 but in my head I'm 5 and he's handing me a babydoll and candy and inviting me into the hot tub how can I be this way when everything is just red sheets red sheets red sheets red sheets red sheets over and over and over again.
And every once in a while I get the other one too and oh my god I want to throw up. I already did. And when I gagged over the toilet I felt that feeling in the back of my throat where it used to burn so bad and I'm falling down this hole and it's so fucking deep. It's such a deep hole. It's so deep and I'm clawing and crying and scratching and I can't get OUT I want to fucking SCREAM
As a boy, I was molested twice when I was 5-6 years old. by our neighbor's brother. The first time was when he hid in the same cabin with me while playing hide and seek with my friends. The second one happened in the attic of my own house. I don't want to go into details.
These events were an event that I did not care about because I could not perceive it at the time. Now, when I grew up, I understood what was going on, but since I have no evidence of those days, there is nothing I can do. I can't do anything.
The other day, I saw a video on Twitter of a bastard harassing a 5-6 year old girl in the toilet, which caused outrage in my country. I only watched one second of the video, but it was enough for me to scream and turn it off. I could not believe my eyes. This was almost the same thing I experienced. Seeing another innocent child going through the same thing as me destroyed me. It triggered something inside me. I think about this all the time right now. I have no one to talk to. That's why I vomit here what I feel. What should I do? Should I go to a psychologist? I don't know. I feel very bad. World is an awful place.
Also this man is currently working under my brother in his shop. I see him time to time right now because of my brother. And I'm very afraid to tell my brother about this incident. I kept this to myself for a long time out of shame. What do I do? I am very sorry
TW for CSA,description of r*pe and flashbacks
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When my dad would sexually assault me as a child, I experienced excruciating pain in my lower abdomen. It felt like my insides were being ripped apart. Like he was going to burst through my stomach.
I (29f) have always had really painful periods. Sometimes OTC pain meds don’t even touch the pain. I find them really triggering. The pain feels similar to what I experienced during the assaults. Also, sometimes I would bleed after he would assault me, so seeing the blood during my period is also really difficult. Sometimes I wouldn’t even remember being assaulted, but I would feel pain and see blood and just get this sinking feeling of dread.
This weekend was especially bad. The pain was terrible. I felt like I couldn’t get out of bed and I was having the most horrible constant flashbacks. I could feel his weight on top of me, his breath on my neck. Smell his sweat. Feel him inside me. I was flooded with memories and it took my breath away. I was panicking. The flashbacks were so vivid and seemed so real.
I feel a little crazy. For those of you who have periods, do you experience anything similar?
I know I could go on birth control, but I’m terrified to go to the doctor.
Like everyone here, I (F) was abused as a child and I know I have a really warped idea of what is normal because of it. When I was 4, my half brother (14 at the time) violated me in every possible way on at least more than one occasion, but only in one limited period of time at that age, no recurrence. My memory is fuzzy from that time period, but I think after it happened and my mother became aware, he was sent to live separately from us for a few months and I went to a couple therapy sessions. Eventually he moved back and I spent the entirety of my childhood continuing to live with him and I think my brother and mom just assumed I wouldn’t remember it, and it’s never been brought up since. I also have no idea if anyone else at all knows about what happened or if it’s just my mom and brother. Just pretending like it never happened I guess. I’ve done therapy and a lot of self-work to manage the problems this has caused in my life, but now I’m at a crossroads and am about to reach a point where I’m going to end up exploding my whole family because of this terrible thing happening to me.
I had a daughter a few months ago, and she’s just the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced in life. Finding out I was having a girl was emotional, and has triggered me continuously since. Not because she’s a girl, but because I have genuinely no idea how my mom could let what happened to me happen and did nothing to protect me. I would die for my daughter, and that’s just not an exaggeration. But she always loved my brother more than me, even after what he did. Rant aside, my husband has always been aware of what happened to me as a kid, but I only told him who did it while I was pregnant. Since finding out, he has decided there’s absolutely no way my brother is going to meet her or be around her, and I truly know that’s totally reasonable. However, my brother is significantly more involved with my family than I am, and that means that I either have to spend the rest of my parents and other siblings lives avoiding all family gatherings with my daughter to avoid having to bring this up to the family (which will be horrifically triggering), or I bring it up, talk about it, and either get ostracized for it or get my brother ostracized. I don’t know how to handle this, and I’m curious if anyone else has ever been in this situation or could weigh in. Thank you for taking the time to read if you got this far.
I really don't feel comfortable calling her my abuser. I don't know what else to call her, so I'm just going to go with "her".
Last night I couldn't sleep because my mind was thinking about her. I ended up getting up and looking on social media, finding every photo of her I could. I don't know why.
I'm just tired of thinking about it, and I think it might help to just put it out there. I don't really know how to talk about it without sounding like I am romanticizing it now. So if that will bother you, you probably shouldn't read more.
I saw a lot of naked people growing up. Our hot tub was always no-clothes. No one was ever really sexual, but it didn’t really matter. I was already aware of girls, and that I wanted to see them. The hot tub had lights. I remember looking through the rippling water from the edge trying to make out details of girl’s bodies under the water.
The initiating experience might have been a family friend, a girl a year and a half older than me, showing me her vagina when I was 2 and she was 3. She asked me if I wanted to “play the vagina game”. I wonder now if those are the worlds an abuser used on her. It wasn’t upsetting. I liked it. Too much. So I was 2 years old and already could not stop thinking about girl’s bodies.
I was a big daydreamer. I lived in fantasies in my head, and they always revolved around girls. I remember that I spent nap time in preschool imagining I had, for lack of a better word, a harem of miniature girls that I would pretend I had under the covers. It was an ever-growing assortment of pretty girls from my life, and movies/tv. I think Ariel from the little mermaid was first. Even now I still have lingering effects from that first obsession. Most of the fantasies revolved around me getting to touch them however I wanted. I started sleeping with a rolled up blanket, and “cuddling it”. In my head I thought of it as practicing for a girlfriend. I’d talk to it, kiss it, hump it. I spent a lot of time face down in my bed with an erection, just sort of moving my hips a bit, fantasizing about girls, from as young as I can remember.
My family lived next to a college rental, lots of 18-22 year olds rotating through, a few new ones each year, some staying. When I was 4, one was a hippy girl, in her first year of college. She was one of the prettiest people I had ever seen. I was an outgoing kid, and would talk to strangers, and I’d always get to know the people in that house. I remember playing out in the grass with them, blowing bubbles, and I ran under her long dress. She wasn’t wearing panties. I became obsessed. I’d come up with all sorts of excuses to be under there. I distinctly remember saying “I want to see if I can crawl between your legs.”. Once I was under the skirt, I turned over, and looked up for a while, then turned back over and crawled out. I thought I was a sneaky little genius. I remember her joking about how I turned over to look up, and I said “no I didn’t. If I did, why did I come out facing down?”. Master of deception. She just said “Oh, yeah, good point” in a playful “oh you little rascal” sort of voice. She ended up babysitting me often. We’d go between my house and hers since we were neighbors. I really, really loved her. I would cuddle with her on the couch and take naps on her, and I would just constantly touch her breasts. I just loved how they felt. I’d try and touch other adult women’s breasts but I was always scared of getting in trouble so I wouldn’t do it much, and would pull back at the first sign of them reacting. She didn’t react. She let me lay there and touch her until I fell asleep. We’d often use the hot tub when she was babysitting me, so we’d both be naked. I’d still hold onto her and touch her breasts. She never initiated anything, she never did anything sexual, but she let me. She never gave me even a hint of rejection or annoyance.
The most vivid memory I have from that age is from being in the hot tub with her. She was sitting on the edge with her legs in the water and I could see her pubic hair. I asked if I could touch it, and she said yes. I did, and I asked, “How far can I go in?” and she said “As far as you want.”. So I did. She didn’t make a big deal out of it, just sat and let me touch her. The memory is so vivid. This was one of my favorite memories for a long time. No part of any of this was traumatic or upsetting. I was doing exactly what I wanted with no encouragement. It took me a long time to realize how much this, and other things, set me up for hypersexuality. How doomed I was to let sex be the most important thing in my life when I had been obsessing over an adult woman’s vagina by the time I was 4.
She stayed in my life, for my entire childhood. She was a family friend. She’d come over for dinner. She’d babysit me occasionally even as I got older. Eventually the napping stopped just because I didn’t really nap anymore. It’s not like I had a neglectful mother, or a lack of nurturing adult women in my life. I didn’t cling to her because I desperately needed it, I did it because, on top of everything else, she would let me not feel ashamed of all these things I wanted.
I think, in the end, she thought it was important not to hinder a child’s curiosity. She was completely neutral when I did anything sexual, like she was trying to avoid stifling my curiosity. I can see now just how naive she was, and how compliant/agreeable. Or maybe she had her own bad experiences, and learned that you should just let men do whatever they wanted to you. I know, a 4 year old boy is not a man, but… still.
I’ve thought about trying to talk to her about it, but I think it would break her heart to know just how much it had affected me, and the thought of that makes me feel terrible. And I haven't seen her in probably 10 years.
I’ve been keeping this a secret for a long time and I haven’t really told anyone about this especially not my family. only a select few know a little bit about it but it started When I was about 5 years old. My half brother which is five years older than me had me give him oral pleasure to say it kindly for years. Every time I would spend the night at my grandparents house we would do sexual things with one another.I didn’t know that it was wrong at the time It felt good giving and receiving but the older I’ve gotten the more disgusted I am with my self the feelings I get when I think about it it angers me. I get turned on when I think about it it’s disgusting and now the older I’ve gotten the more I crave that feeling of being touched I’m not gay but I want it deep down like a hunger. I’ve heard that some people that have gone through being molested. Don’t really like to be touched. It was the opposite for me.I’ve been touching myself since I was five years old when it all started. He used to make me suck him off when he would watch porn on his computer. There were times when I would kick off the interaction because I wanted to feel that euphoria. Looking back at all of this I just feel like a disgusting human being. When I got a little older and learned what was right and wrong I tried to confront him but he put the blame back on me. It’s affected my entire life I grew up with the ideology. That gay people were bad. knowing what I did as a kid, I really hated myself I still do. I just wanted to get this off my chest
Hello, I hope it’s okay to write it here, it’s really my first time writing a post on reddit and a post like that, but I need help. My mind is not helping me and I keep having this huge guilt and feeling of shame that maybe I made a big deal out of nothing. I want to tell you stories of when I thought I was sexually assaulted by a person from my family and please tell me if i’m wrong and it actually never was what i later thought was.
When I was a child, maybe 5-6 years old, my father used to randomly put his hand into my underwear (the back, so my butt) and then just remove it after keeping it there for a second? It was so long ago, I don’t remember it exactly. I actually remember only one incident like that, because then my older sister said “Hey, you know it’s molesting?” while laughing. since then my dad hasn’t done that again. I remember it being regular though, just random, out of nowhere, with no reason. I don’t remember it ever being a need to fix my underwear or something like that. It felt always unnecessary for me.
My uncle used to randomly spank me, just once, when i was next to him or walking around him, to greet me or something like that. I guess it would be normal? My dad started doing it too. Randomly spanking me. It was never to punish me, it was never on my bare skin. Just mindless I guess. I remember though telling him to stop doing it, I told him so many times, but he didn’t. He never took it seriously.
I started therapy at 14. I remember my therapist saying, she thinks my trauma that i repressed is sexual. Years later i told her about the incident with the underwear, the spanking and she did say, that was sexual assault/abuse (english is not my native language, i’m not sure which one is correct). I always felt so incredibly ashamed of it, i genuinely forgot about it and she was the first person I told. My therapist had a conversation with my father about the situations, he didn’t take it well at all and the conversations we had after that was one of the worst and most painful ones i had. Anyways. He knew what happened, didn’t really get it.
Another time, it was when i was 18 or over i think, max 17 years old. We were walking back from dinner with my dad and my sister. My sister was walking ahead of us, dad next to me until he suddenly spanked me again. I froze and looked at him shocked while he just smiled at me in a “I know what I did, I know what you’re thinking” way and continued walking.
Another time we were with mom, dad, my sister and our dog in the woods on a walk. Me and dad had a fight about something, I don’t remember. We were fighting a lot and i think it also had to do with the things described here. But we make up and we hugged. and when we were pulling away he spanked me again. i once again froze and looked at him wide eyed while he said “be quiet, don’t make a scene” or something like that. my mom and sister didn’t see and i did stay quiet.
Since i was a kid i remember being scared of my dad and feeling uncomfortable when he was near me too much. I was terrified he is going to rape me and I was sure he will one day. That he will try. I know my perception of child-father relationship is bad, hurtful, but i never had a chance to witness a healthy one.
I moved out when i was 19, because I was so suicidal, a lot of it was because of my father. our contact was much smaller now that i lived alone, but then there was an incident where my mom told my dad i’m still thinking about it and he called me, crying, saying weird shit. it triggered me insanely hard and my fear of him and having a conversation with him about that was so paralysing and terrifying to me, if not my sister i would haven probably killed myself that night or harmed more than i did. But after the incident my sister had a conversation with my parents about the situation and it got better since then. But a few days ago my father, while i was visiting family house, spanked me again, making me feel disgusting and how he never actually cared. he pretended to understand to just wait and do it again.
My father is a very complex person. I do think he might have a narcissistic personality disorder but it’s not about that. My point is that i don’t know his intentions, I never did and still don’t. I know he lies sometimes. Whenever he touches me i feel uncomfortable, tense. I pull away when he hugs me for too long, feeling anxious. I always am hyper aware of where his hand is, trying to make myself ready to move and avoid being spanked again by him.
I do not compare myself to victims of rape. I don’t want to compare myself at all, but I don’t know what it is, what it was. I don’t know if what i even feel and felt all my life is valid or if it’s just something i made up. made a big deal out of something that was supposed to be innocent. I don’t know and I feel bad for even asking that question.
Finally, after many years of overriding my own gut feelings, last night, I was able to say no to unwanted sex. My husband has no problem saying no to me no matter how horny I am (and that's how it should be), but I have always felt like I was obligated to satisfy a man if he was in bed next to me and had an erection (wonder why... 😔 I guess being a CSA survivor will do that to you). I was also told this f*cking bullshit in my 20s by incompetent therapists and woman friends, that if a guy was turned on, it's best to finish him off in some way. In fact I was even told by a therapist that even if we were in the middle of the act, I couldn't stop, I should just let the guy finish, even if it hurt me.
My husband has never, EVER pressured me to have sex, my "no" is always 100% heard, despite this, I've said yes to sex I didn't really want about 90% of the time. Most of that 90%, I didn't regret it, because it turned out good, but lately, on an intense healing journey from CSA with lots of triggers, it doesn't turn out good at all when I do that. I've said yes a few times and regretted it lately because my husband is the LL person and I'm the HL person at the moment, and I always felt like I had to take the opportunity when it was rarely presented because if I didn't then our sex life would just die. But that's false. When healing from CSA, and especially when both people are healing from CSA, less is often more.
So I was triggered when my husband initiated out of nowhere, I wasn't turned on, I didn't feel safe, and I told him exactly that. He immediately hugged me and said he was proud of me for sticking up for myself and we went to sleep. My saying no even went against what my therapist or my best friend, who are both very feminist and pro sexual healing, would say. They'd tell me to jump at the opportunity and how great it is that my husband's libido was back. But neither one of them is a survivor, so they can't understand firsthand that sex isn't necessarily good just because it's happening. I was also right in my gut feeling to say no because the next day I found out my husband wasn't even awake when this happened, and not being fully conscious on his part, it wouldn't have been ethical for me to accept his advances.
This is a first for me, I don't think I've EVER said no to a guy with a raging boner, especially one I love and am really attracted to, and it feels strange but also like the beginning of a new chapter, a new me.
trying to sleep but it won't go away. I'm exhausted, my whole body and soul is weary but I can't rest. went to the waterpark today and I tried to wear a "sexy" swimsuit at first. then I remember the self disgust, shame, and the self hatred I had and my body almost made me wanna throw up. then my mom made a jab at me for having armpit hair. I wanted to throw up again. I just wanna get rid of myself already. I don't even know who I am anymore. It's almost 2 am and I have to go to class tomorrow. but now I'm thinking about how my father begged me to comply, how he kept saying "ava please I'm not gonna hurt you" and then he did just that. put those hands on my so many times. took over my mind and my body so many times..I've been hating my body so much lately....I wish I could peel my skin off and I just wish I can sleep. I hate trauma and chronic pain. I deserve to throw up the least yet I want to throw up the most. how do people even like their desires and bodies after this? how do you normal people do it?
So does anyone else have issues with their birthday?
I'm going to be 46 Wednesday and every birthday just brings so much back
Trigger warning oral sex
Trigger warning penetration.
So my birthdays are something that just make me feel uneasy. It brings up all the times I was gong to get "special presents".
I remember being 8 years old and my Dad said he got me a surprise.
He called for me to come to his room and on the bed his pants were unbuttoned and he told me to go into his pants that he had packs of baseball cards. He knew I loved baseball and baseball cards. So I went into his pants and didn't find any. He was already abusing me regularly at this point and told me since I didn't find them I needed to jerk him off and maybe they'll appear.
I did as I was told because it was better on me to do so. After I finished him he rolled over and got 2 packs of cards from his drawer and told me happy birthday. I was confused and hurt. I know now I also felt cheap, but I didn't know the right term then. It made me feel sad and just low.
My 11th birthday still being abused regularly but lately instead of me performing oral sex on him and masturbating him he started doing it to me as well.
I had dry orgasms up to that point. That fucked me up. How does feel so wrong and then feel so good? My birthday he takes me out to eat I'm feeling normal like I might have a real birthday. I even get to pick out things I want. Life is great.
Till we get home. It's just him and I for awhile still before my mom gets home.
He starts touching me and tells me bluntly he's giving me "birthday blowjob"
As he doing it it feels different. I feel different. He makes me cum from it. And it totally fucked me up.
Again I know it's wrong but he made it feel good.
There are other instances and I don't want to make a novel. But I guess my point is, I always feel like shit because of it. My birthday I always try to work or distract myself or even just downplay the day. It just sucks that I can never celebrate the one day of the year that is for me without it feeling tainted or just running through my head all the time on that day.
Thank you for reading. I know it was longer than I intended.
Hello,
I (20transman) am not sure if I was abuse as a child . For context, some years ago I've read some court documents from when my mom quitted my dad I was 4 yo at this moment.
In these documents, at some point, it talks about me accusing my dad of touching me. I have no memory of it and I think it was considered as if I lied or as if my mom influenced me to lie.
What I know from my mom, is that when I was young I was always screaming when I was alone in my room and talking about some naked man . My mom says that every time that I was screaming like this my father was never far away.
What I can also remember from when I was a bit older, is that my dad was always taking a shower when I was bathing (bath and shower in the samw bathroom).
Sometimes, when I couldn't sleep, I would go to the living room and my dad was forcing me to sit on his lap.
He was spanking me, pants down.
He would show me what is watching (porn)
Also, I started masturbating very young (4 or before), and a lot
When I was a bit older I would fantasise about being raped by stranger or even my father.
So yeah... That's pretty much it.
I really don't know what is the truth, and I'm a bit lost.
Sorry if there is mistakes, english isn't my first language.
Thank you
Venting I guess…. I just don’t feel like it’s ever going to get any better at this point. I’m 25 and my stepfather stopped raping me when I was in middle school. Everyday it hurts more and more. The constant invasive thoughts and flashbacks are worse than ever. I remember things he did to me all the time that I had blocked out before. I’ve been in therapy with a trauma informed therapist who specializes in CSA for almost a year. I do the work. I know that’s not that long to be in therapy for having the experiences I did. But I’m sick of just feeling worse and worse. I’ve spent so much money on therapy and I barely make enough to get by as it is. Everyday is total hell. I dont know why I even bother. I’m never going to have a normal, happy life. I tried to be positive and I’ve been trying to fix it. It just doesn’t feel worth it anymore when everything is just so painful all the time. I know I’m young and have my whole life ahead of me or whatever but I feel so tired and I feel like I’ve been alive forever just in constant pain. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I don't know if this stuff is worth anything honestly, just again looking for some outside perspective. Kinda continuation of my last post with things I forgot to include, didn't elaborate much on, details I only remembered since and stuff I was more scared to talk about. A bit more NSFW and potentially triggering stuff so pls be mindful reading and keep yourself mentally safe :) I tried to spoiler on things that seemed like they could be more graphic. Just tried to put down anything that I had a feeling about or felt relevant against other info.
TW for SH and eating disorder thoughts
More recently frequent nightmares (multiple a week or in the same night) where I’m powerless, scared, running away, and/or trapped and wake up feeling triggered.
Around the same time frame of memories I remember going to the bathroom and
Feeling like I’m forgetting something important, feeling like I almost remember something but like my brain presses the shut down button. Sometimes feeling entirely disconnected from my body like I’m looking at life through a screen. One time after almost remembering something I actively shoved it out of my mind and felt those same intense disconnected feelings and thinking “I’m not real, if I’m not real then what’s happening isn’t real. I’m just pretend, this is all just pretend”
Sometimes when I lay down for bed I have moments where I’m laying flat on my back and can’t move/feel disassociated like that fear response of “if I don’t move, it can’t get me” sometimes everything looks distorted and black and fuzzy almost like I’m about to pass out.
Getting sensations in my mouth, fullness like something is inside it, feeling of a tongue in my mouth or something sliding in my mouth, feeling near my throat, and a subsequent tightness/clenched jaw/biting down on the inside of my mouth/feeling like I can’t open my mouth or speak sometimes pain/pinching/burning at the back of my throat. Also I have no gag reflex and don’t really know why, just something I know about myself.
Flashes of my cousin alongside above feelings :/ Feeling dread and nausea in bathrooms decorated for kids.
Feeling triggered sometimes or kinda back of my mind weird feeling when going to the bathroom. Getting strong urges to Self harming impulsively while in the shower because I feel mad at my body. During puberty had fantasy of getting breasts surgically removed, ed wanting to shrink down anything “womanly”, not like in a trans way just clinging onto a “childlike” body and anytime I imagine a man liking my body or seeing me as "curvy" or "desirable" it makes me want to act on ed thoughts more.
In middle school or preteen age I used to “get off to” imagining at the time I think I couldn’t understand why that was wrong because I sort of “saw myself” in the child character and didn’t see a problem with the power imbalance there. Having intrusive thoughts of girls being Feeling like I’m a sick and disgusting pervert or monster, feeling suicidal over having horrible thoughts like this, feeling like a disgusting person like me needs to be “put down”. Really tense muscles/stomach aches, feeling like I can’t relax my stomach, lower stomach pain
Having long term feeling like I deserve to be feeling like I deserved to be “used” or “ruined”, almost feels like a self harm urge
Having crushes on older guys and teachers since elementary, but somewhat struggling to connect with peers in that way. Sometimes a guy to be obsessed with and then doing everything in my power to “get him to like me" or pay attention to me even if it meant being seen as weird.
Oscillating between wearing boyish/neutral clothes to “hide”, and wearing flashy super feminine stuff to gain attention. Can’t stand being touched around hips/thighs area
Feeling asexual despite compulsive masturbation because I thought I didn’t want to have sex with anyone ever/intense dread over when that would happen in a relationship. Seeing sex as something someone would use me for and not like a mutual connection. Only recently learned sex can be loving, always assumed it would be horrible.
Dread around peoples fathers or “dad aged” people, getting bad feelings around certain men that they are thinking of me in that way, fear that adults were attracted to me, or going to get physical with me for some reason even though I know it sounds crazy it’s like fear i have.
One time at certain family friends house the whole night their son was sitting super close to me the whole night and kept casually touching me even go as as far as to touch my thigh and even though I didn’t want him to I like froze/felt paralyzed and couldn’t tell his to stop
Started feeling overwhelmed the other day, thought I was going to pass out, went and hid away in laundry room with the door closed in the dark, when I heard footsteps of my sister downstairs I had this flash of a man walking toward me and thinking “please don’t come in” over and over
The guy I think couldve done something was with my mom for 7 months, and I was shocked when she told me because my memory of that time feels like it went through a blender. I didn’t realize that they were together that long and so I barely remember that chuck of my life except for school. He apparently lavished us with gifts, buying all our Christmas, and it was a really special holiday season, but I don’t remember it at all, I didn’t even know he came for Christmas one year. I also can’t remember the interior of his house at all despite staying over frequently during that time except for a small fragment of me and my sisters room, and corner floorboards? (again from last post what I THINK could be an image but maybe I just made up in my mind of a couch and eyes above me but I'm not sure if it's a real memory tbh) and the exterior because he made us pull weeds one day if we wanted to go to the zoo. The night he and my mom broke up he was being super possessive like “you can’t feel sad about your old dad because I’m the man in your life now” vibes toward me and my sister and my mom got the ick. BUT my mom knew him since she was like 15 apparently and doesn't seem like she got those SA vibes off of him (haven't asked explicitly but just from what I can gauge) so I'm thinking maybe it's ridiculous and I would be slandering an overall kind man if I even consider it
Always felt dread driving past old elementary school, thought because I had just some experiences with mean kids there, but also apparently he used to pick us up sometimes? Always feeling an aversion and anxiety when passing by kid school uniforms, “hating” those uniforms for some reason
In elementary school, a boy on the bus was as a “joke” and it was like my brain shut down and I felt like a ghost walking home, I couldn’t even form a sentence to my sister asking what was wrong
Man made weird comment to me and checked me out at store when I was in HS and I felt very much that same dread and weird feeling and when I told my mom she said “welcome to being a woman”. Have had strong emotional reactions from “little” comments or moments that middle aged men even did something that wasn’t explicit but gave me a bad feeling making me feel terrified, disgusted, and frustrated.
When someone blocks/closes a door and looks at me I feel an aversion or like just a fear like something is going to happen. Being in an elevator with guys, stuff like that my mind is going crazy like “I just need to get to my dorm” and I have this fear and sick feeling.
I had a breakdown a month ago and thought that was my rock bottom. Starting going to therapy very surface level stuff.
Just realising now the impact that my abuse has had on me after pushing it down and thinking it’s fine. My control issues, abandonment issues, trust issues all stem from it. I feel like I robbed of the person I was supposed to be.
I had a massive anxiety attack last night which made me realise now the impact that my abuse has had on me after pushing it down and thinking it’s fine. My control issues, abandonment issues, trust issues all stem from it. I feel like I robbed of the person I was supposed to be.
I think all my issues have basically made my partner completely shut down, so that is the love of my life and a nine year relationship gone. At least now I can work on it so my past doesn’t take anything else away