Like everyone here, I (F) was abused as a child and I know I have a really warped idea of what is normal because of it. When I was 4, my half brother (14 at the time) violated me in every possible way on at least more than one occasion, but only in one limited period of time at that age, no recurrence. My memory is fuzzy from that time period, but I think after it happened and my mother became aware, he was sent to live separately from us for a few months and I went to a couple therapy sessions. Eventually he moved back and I spent the entirety of my childhood continuing to live with him and I think my brother and mom just assumed I wouldn’t remember it, and it’s never been brought up since. I also have no idea if anyone else at all knows about what happened or if it’s just my mom and brother. Just pretending like it never happened I guess. I’ve done therapy and a lot of self-work to manage the problems this has caused in my life, but now I’m at a crossroads and am about to reach a point where I’m going to end up exploding my whole family because of this terrible thing happening to me.
I had a daughter a few months ago, and she’s just the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced in life. Finding out I was having a girl was emotional, and has triggered me continuously since. Not because she’s a girl, but because I have genuinely no idea how my mom could let what happened to me happen and did nothing to protect me. I would die for my daughter, and that’s just not an exaggeration. But she always loved my brother more than me, even after what he did. Rant aside, my husband has always been aware of what happened to me as a kid, but I only told him who did it while I was pregnant. Since finding out, he has decided there’s absolutely no way my brother is going to meet her or be around her, and I truly know that’s totally reasonable. However, my brother is significantly more involved with my family than I am, and that means that I either have to spend the rest of my parents and other siblings lives avoiding all family gatherings with my daughter to avoid having to bring this up to the family (which will be horrifically triggering), or I bring it up, talk about it, and either get ostracized for it or get my brother ostracized. I don’t know how to handle this, and I’m curious if anyone else has ever been in this situation or could weigh in. Thank you for taking the time to read if you got this far.
Bring it up. Get ostracized. Build a new family with normal people who protect kids and don't protect abusers. My mom also did not protect me and I was floored when I had three girls and realized how insane it was that she would walk in on my dad "bathing" naked with me at age 4 and then walk back out again. The things where a bunch of people hang around together reinforcing a fake image of a family is not a family. When I reported and started suing my dad, my mom actually helped him turn the family against me. I was accused of killing my mother with so much pain. I realized it had been crazy for me to think I could raise my girls around such people thinking that I could keep them safe. Well guess what. What if something happens to you? How will your daughter know how dangerous the family is. My suggestion - tell everyone and leave the family, or just leave the family.