Also, yes, as of about a month ago, I have the therapist of my dreams.

Thx for response! I think deep down I’m nervous about having flashbacks again. Like I became low key scared of myself after a while. Now I seem to be avoiding being present in my body as much as possible. That ties into taking care of myself and feeling good (all of which I haven’t been doing). I’m scared they’ll start happening again I soon as I let go and let myself just feel and just be.

Yes absolutely! :)

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting the time into your response! I appreciate every word and piece of insight + advice! Much of what you said was really affirming and/or clarifying. 💙

Also, any specific videos you recommend or personally really find helpful? I’ve looked something along those lines up before but didn’t what I was looking at lol or which to trust.

Thank you! Your words and affirmation mean so much.

Thx sm for sharing. I resonate with this whilst currently struggling with repressed memories and I’m trying to stop chasing them and going into survival mode after my last flashback but trying to trust instead that they will continue to come back to me in time. Idk how to do that - to trust that it will happen and to just feel whole with all that I know I am, all that I feel and all that I have so if you have any advice plz share. 💙

I feel the same way about newly resurfaced memories that I’d been suppressing my entire life telling/showing me that I’d experienced CSA. It’s like they’re lodged inside me and always there but I can’t readily access them myself. I chase them now but I’m so in my head and they’re mostly somatic I believe. Plus, they seem to only come up when being ‘pulled out’ by something outside of myself or when I’m feeling attacked or triggered or when I witness or experience things that feel subconsciously intrusive and violating. I’m not sure what to do but hoping to talk about it more with my new therapist tmrw.

I’d also be really curious to know how y’all who have incomplete memories and experience sporadic flashbacks get on with - life? Like how do I just accept where I’m at and feel whole and able to be present and engage fully with my life? I’ve kind of just been in a depressive and dissociative haze since having the full body flashback and unable to concentrate or think seriously about anything else. I get so uneasy anytime I relax and find I can’t put it out my mind, let alone loosen its grip. I’ve also convinced myself that my uprightness and obsession is why the memories haven’t been as forthcoming. A lot of them are somatic/physical and I’m in my head so much more since having the flashback.

For further context, I’m someone who also fears being perceived and in a sexual context, gets really (physically) sick/ill when I’m being watched by men/boys in a sexual/attracted way or can easily feel like this is happening to me when I’m watching it play out in front of me (including when I’m watching it in a film or series); it feels like I’m being preyed upon.

I’m also terrified of the reality of physical intimacy with males; I’ve struggled with intrusive thoughts all my life; I’m also incredibly sensitive and can get nauseas when I’m scared but the kind of nausea I get when I’m sexually scared somehow manages to be felt in my chest as well as abdomen and sends a sensation down my arms and legs that resembles worms crawling over my skin.

I can get really scared, sick, numb, or sensitive when I’m wearing form fitting clothes in front of others and tend to feel more comfortable in gender neutral and loose clothing when in public and especially if I’m being triggered.

In these memories, I don’t feel like a girl or a woman. I feel like something lesser and smaller and stranger. Neither here nor there; as though the situation, the person, &/or the harm itself made me feel deeply dehumanized.

I also have ADHD (undiagnosed for most of my life until recently) and potentially ASD (I suspect).

Woohoo! Thank you so much!

Hi there! I also want to know what classifies as assault? I’m a survival of CSA too but am still in the process of recovering my memories for the first time. When I first started getting flashbacks, I thought it was assault but after learning from my mother that I’d gotten ‘exams’ by the doctor as a kid and my hymen was still ‘intact’ after that period of time, I was convinced that penetration at least could not have occurred. The biggest struggle here ofc is that I have holes in my memory and don’t recall the entire thing. But the physical and somatic trauma from it that still sits in my body is so specific and scary that I’m still quite confused. Guess I’m just wondering if assault can also occur in different ways? I.e, not penetrative or physically violent. Idk, I’m so confused.