I told my fiancé about my suspected CSA and now I feel like a liar

Trigger Warning NSFW

I told my fiancé about my suspicions of CSA and I feel like a liar

Last night I had a bad flashback directly after sex and my poor fiancé had to witness it and felt terrible. He knows I have trauma from another incident but recently therapy and Spravato treatments have dug up nasty memories of being a toddler in my grandfathers house. I am almost positive that he abused me and also one of my cousins. I have no direct memory but I have a fuzzy memory of seeing him naked and I also had a lot of UTIs as a toddler. Anyway, while I was still really out of it last night I ended up disclosing my suspicions to my fiance, who was extremely supportive. But as soon as I told him I felt disgusting. Like I had lied, or like now that I had said it, now it was real. He keeps saying he wants to “investigate” it and get to the truth but I don’t think he understand there is nothing we can do. Grandpa is invited to the wedding this fall and fiancé has purposefully never met him. I’m worried interactions at the wedding won’t go well. Grandpa is notorious for making very inappropriate comments at me about sex and my body, I’m worried he will say something at the wedding and cause a scene. I just feel dirty and wrong and I don’t know what to do. I wish I had just shut up

in adultsurvivorsby IWantToLive918

97%

2mo

View all comments

somethingfree

2mo

I had my abuse blocked out my whole childhood. At 18 I had a flashback while making out with my boyfriend and told him I was abused. Then the memories immediately got repressed again and I wondered why I “lied”. I felt so guilty, I told my therapist I told my boyfriend I was abused when I wasn’t. She shamed me and insisted I tell him the truth. Ugh. The guilt messed me. I did confess to my boyfriend 4 years later. He still thinks I lied about being abused 🤦‍♀️ Took 10 more years to recover the memories again for good this time. I wasn’t lying. My body spoke the truth. Your body spoke the truth. Trust your body. It’s ok and very normal that your mind isn’t ready yet. Please don’t judge or doubt yourself. You deserve patience and sensitivity.

Reasonable_Access336

Thx sm for sharing. I resonate with this whilst currently struggling with repressed memories and I’m trying to stop chasing them and going into survival mode after my last flashback but trying to trust instead that they will continue to come back to me in time. Idk how to do that - to trust that it will happen and to just feel whole with all that I know I am, all that I feel and all that I have so if you have any advice plz share. 💙

somethingfree

The memories will come back when you are ready for them, your body knows how to heal and won’t show you the memories before you’re ready. Do you have a great therapist? The only way to encourage them to return is to take very good care of yourself, try to have supportive people in your life and/or a great therapist, and be kind and patient with yourself and try to figureout what helps you feel safest and most comfortable and try to get yourself as close to that as you can.

Sometimes I feel like if I were to win the lottery and buy a house and know I never have to worry about money again, then I would fully break down crying about my childhood trauma and feel all my feelings for the first time. Other life stresses really distract from the healing.

Reasonable_Access336

Thx for response! I think deep down I’m nervous about having flashbacks again. Like I became low key scared of myself after a while. Now I seem to be avoiding being present in my body as much as possible. That ties into taking care of myself and feeling good (all of which I haven’t been doing). I’m scared they’ll start happening again I soon as I let go and let myself just feel and just be.