Repressed memories; how to know if you’ve been molested without having any clear memories of it that you can readily access?

Memories

Hey y’all! So about a year ago I started having flashbacks of CSA that I’d experienced at a really young age (like 3-4 yrs old). They started off being solely somatic (no imagery) and felt like intense nausea, fear, &/or panic usually triggered by seeing guys that reminded me of the perpetrator(s) that I couldn’t explicitly remember. It was also often triggered by certain types of music - any songs that were too fast, overstimulating, or sexual. Though I had no explicit recollection in my mind of what exactly had happened to me - I just somehow knew during the flashbacks that it was without a doubt CSA (the feeling of being preyed upon, being pinned down, etc.). About a month or two later I had a full body flashback which paralyzed me from the head down and included a flashing image of an older kid hovering over me partly naked. I remember feeling paralyzed with terror and deep disgust and certain aspects of the imagery stood out or gripped me more than others; for some reason his nakedness was almost muted in my mind and all I could focus on was his face. His eyes in particular-they seemed so big and dark. Anyway, it’s been almost a year. I haven’t had another flashback like that, only the occasional somatic ones like before. This trauma, these memories have never before made themselves known to me and now it’s all I think about it. It haunts me and it’s so frustrating because I feel like I don’t know or remember enough to have the right to say I was raped or molested and yet I’ve felt more than enough to know that I was. It just feels so distant and unreal (until I’m having flashbacks) and I wish these memories weren’t so buried and didn’t feel so detached from myself. It’s almost as if they are memories from a different self (like I’m split inside myself).

Hope that made sense but basically I was hoping for some insight or advice. 💙

in adultsurvivorsby Reasonable_Access336

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Reasonable_Access336

For further context, I’m someone who also fears being perceived and in a sexual context, gets really (physically) sick/ill when I’m being watched by men/boys in a sexual/attracted way or can easily feel like this is happening to me when I’m watching it play out in front of me (including when I’m watching it in a film or series); it feels like I’m being preyed upon.

I’m also terrified of the reality of physical intimacy with males; I’ve struggled with intrusive thoughts all my life; I’m also incredibly sensitive and can get nauseas when I’m scared but the kind of nausea I get when I’m sexually scared somehow manages to be felt in my chest as well as abdomen and sends a sensation down my arms and legs that resembles worms crawling over my skin.

I can get really scared, sick, numb, or sensitive when I’m wearing form fitting clothes in front of others and tend to feel more comfortable in gender neutral and loose clothing when in public and especially if I’m being triggered.

In these memories, I don’t feel like a girl or a woman. I feel like something lesser and smaller and stranger. Neither here nor there; as though the situation, the person, &/or the harm itself made me feel deeply dehumanized.

I also have ADHD (undiagnosed for most of my life until recently) and potentially ASD (I suspect).

Reasonable_Access336

I’d also be really curious to know how y’all who have incomplete memories and experience sporadic flashbacks get on with - life? Like how do I just accept where I’m at and feel whole and able to be present and engage fully with my life? I’ve kind of just been in a depressive and dissociative haze since having the full body flashback and unable to concentrate or think seriously about anything else. I get so uneasy anytime I relax and find I can’t put it out my mind, let alone loosen its grip. I’ve also convinced myself that my uprightness and obsession is why the memories haven’t been as forthcoming. A lot of them are somatic/physical and I’m in my head so much more since having the flashback.