Idk how to write this or what to say, but this is the only place I can say it until I have my appointment tomorrow. It’s been about a week since I had this realization and it’s been so fucking lonely and isolating.
I’ve been living outside of my body for the last 6 days. Just watching it all happen. I’ve told one person, my roommate and best friend, and no one else until now. And I’m not about to give details or anything but my god, something HAPPENED and when I even just type that word my heart dropped and I wanted to vomit.
I always knew there was something wrong. I always assumed I was going to die young and tragically, or that I’d get cancer, or I’d have some other horrific disease that would leave me maimed. There’s always been this sense of impending doom on my life that I could never explain. This was all triggered by The Body Keeps The Score, Chapter 8 I think. Maybe 9. A woman with repressed issues remembers them and. 🙃 yeah. I can’t say much more right now, this took like an hour to type.
There was no goal to this post and idk how to close it so, wish me luck at therapy I guess? I’m really not well. If anyone has any advice/things you wish you knew or did very early into your healing process, I’d love to hear them. Be safe and have a good night my friends.
It sounds as though you are in the early stages of healing. The road to recovery can be long and very bumpy at times but there are things you can learn/do to help. I hope your therapy appointment felt positive however difficult it was. Having trust and confidence in your therapist is all important. I found a number of things helped as I worked through the abuse by my father. I journalled. This was a place where I could record anything I wanted... feelings, thoughts, memories, questions and so on. (I found it helpful, much later, to have recorded the date for entries.)
In addition, learning grounding techniques. Your therapist can help you here. When in the throes of remembering abuse, the survivor can be transported back in time and feel very disoriented. I remember feeling very afraid/terrified at some 'reliving' incidents. Learning how to ground oneself in the 'here and now' and to remind oneself "I am remembering. I am safe now" or some mantra that works for you.
These were my favoured tools. There are more and they are described in numerous, recommended books which your therapist can give you and would be listed on this site in the resources section.
Above all, trust yourself. You are the one with the knowledge - however deeply buried it has been - of what happened to you. No-one else has this knowledge so believe yourself however hard it might be at times. And use this site to process, ask questions or just vent! Collectively there is an amazing amount of knowledge here.