Recently, my father was arrested and is awaiting charges for CSA images on his computer.

Since his arrest, it’s raised a LOT of questions.

I’ve tried to keep myself seperate from all of it, as my relationship with him has never been good.

However, months after he got in trouble with the law, I’ve started having memory flashbacks now in my 30s.

My first flashback was of me trying to show my brother how I put on ‘lipstick’. The lipstick in question was his body part, not makeup. We were 3/4.

I have other memories of playing sexual games with other children far too young. And being the instigator of such games. I’m horrified with myself.

Where did I learn such things? I can’t help but feel this overwhelming feeling that something happened to me when I was too young. When I try to think about it, it feels like my head might burst.

I’ve had nightmares since before I first started school. Wet the bed until I was 10. Have had some god awful abusive relationships and got caught up in the sex industry. Even participating in DDlg ‘kinks’.

I feel like my life is the trademark stamp of someone who was SA as a small child.

Any words or insight would be greatly appreciated. I’m not really sure why I’m here writing this, other than I need it to go somewhere.