I’ve been keeping this a secret for a long time and I haven’t really told anyone about this especially not my family. only a select few know a little bit about it but it started When I was about 5 years old. My half brother which is five years older than me had me give him oral pleasure to say it kindly for years. Every time I would spend the night at my grandparents house we would do sexual things with one another.I didn’t know that it was wrong at the time It felt good giving and receiving but the older I’ve gotten the more disgusted I am with my self the feelings I get when I think about it it angers me. I get turned on when I think about it it’s disgusting and now the older I’ve gotten the more I crave that feeling of being touched I’m not gay but I want it deep down like a hunger. I’ve heard that some people that have gone through being molested. Don’t really like to be touched. It was the opposite for me.I’ve been touching myself since I was five years old when it all started. He used to make me suck him off when he would watch porn on his computer. There were times when I would kick off the interaction because I wanted to feel that euphoria. Looking back at all of this I just feel like a disgusting human being. When I got a little older and learned what was right and wrong I tried to confront him but he put the blame back on me. It’s affected my entire life I grew up with the ideology. That gay people were bad. knowing what I did as a kid, I really hated myself I still do. I just wanted to get this off my chest