Finally, after many years of overriding my own gut feelings, last night, I was able to say no to unwanted sex. My husband has no problem saying no to me no matter how horny I am (and that's how it should be), but I have always felt like I was obligated to satisfy a man if he was in bed next to me and had an erection (wonder why... 😔 I guess being a CSA survivor will do that to you). I was also told this f*cking bullshit in my 20s by incompetent therapists and woman friends, that if a guy was turned on, it's best to finish him off in some way. In fact I was even told by a therapist that even if we were in the middle of the act, I couldn't stop, I should just let the guy finish, even if it hurt me.

My husband has never, EVER pressured me to have sex, my "no" is always 100% heard, despite this, I've said yes to sex I didn't really want about 90% of the time. Most of that 90%, I didn't regret it, because it turned out good, but lately, on an intense healing journey from CSA with lots of triggers, it doesn't turn out good at all when I do that. I've said yes a few times and regretted it lately because my husband is the LL person and I'm the HL person at the moment, and I always felt like I had to take the opportunity when it was rarely presented because if I didn't then our sex life would just die. But that's false. When healing from CSA, and especially when both people are healing from CSA, less is often more.

So I was triggered when my husband initiated out of nowhere, I wasn't turned on, I didn't feel safe, and I told him exactly that. He immediately hugged me and said he was proud of me for sticking up for myself and we went to sleep. My saying no even went against what my therapist or my best friend, who are both very feminist and pro sexual healing, would say. They'd tell me to jump at the opportunity and how great it is that my husband's libido was back. But neither one of them is a survivor, so they can't understand firsthand that sex isn't necessarily good just because it's happening. I was also right in my gut feeling to say no because the next day I found out my husband wasn't even awake when this happened, and not being fully conscious on his part, it wouldn't have been ethical for me to accept his advances.

This is a first for me, I don't think I've EVER said no to a guy with a raging boner, especially one I love and am really attracted to, and it feels strange but also like the beginning of a new chapter, a new me.