Considering I started wishing for death in kindergarten my guess is that it was probably the abuse.

It's stupid this is what still brings tears. Had to grow up too fast and I couldn't even keep stuffed friends along the way. "I don't need it anymore," was a lie to make myself more appealing because children were not valued.

I guess this hurts so badly because in my quest to be the perfect/acceptable kid I lost myself along the way. Still a disappointment anyway. I hate the struggle sometimes. I hate what it made me. A scowling fawn. As if I could be who you wanted, all the time.

I'm so sorry. That is another level of tragedy. That's not a pain any parent should have to bear.

Nothing different. Maybe take more pictures. Write my story. Feel the relief of not having to spin up a second career or kill myself for not being able to. No more health problems. No more any problems. Everything is somebody else's problem. No more disappointment in having hopes and dreams for a life that was already destroyed before I could talk.

So yeah. Sounds great.

I'd hidden all of my same sex encounters, being filmed and so on. None of it was consensual and it had a bigger impact than I'd realized. I wasn't supposed to tell anyone so when I brought it up decades later it was a lot to handle.

My feeling is that a person has a right to feel however they want about their abuser. When it comes to other kids the circumstances are (for me) way more situational. The power imbalances are different. The levels of knowledge are different. You're free to hate that person forever if you want to but I personally don't based on the circumstances.

Some of the blame comes down to a lack of supervision, but that's not always easy either.

It's a tough topic and not one that's easy to solve.

Don't forget the toddler grows up and has to deal with the aftermath of that situation. Heinous shit seems pretty normal if it's all you have ever known, but figuring out that it isn't normal is a real punch to the gut. It's a kind of betrayal no one should suffer.

That's a level of nuance I don't see very often in these discussions. Too often the answer is "prison rape lol" without recognizing things get messy when it's family.

Forgiveness isn't really necessary, or at least it wasn't for me. You can stop being actively angry at someone to save yourself the effort but still not extend forgiveness. Their victimhood became a lot less sympathetic when they became an abuser.

That description is nearly biographical. I would like to hear more.

I've wondered the same, but when I think of what I knew and when, there's no way for a child that age to make it up. Along with that I also consider what misconceptions I held at the time. My understanding of sexuality was really incomplete. So I don't think it's me looking back and making things up because everything is interlaced with consistently wrong information.

It took me a long time to accept it, but taken together it's the most (if not only) realistic possibility. Even so there is an element of unreality to it, probably as a final coping mechanism I suppose.

From what you said you went through a lot. Nothing that a child would just invent either.

As far as the unexplainable parts go, at some point I decided to accept that the worst of what I remember probably happened, but what I remember as one incident may be a few things getting mixed together or a specific detail may be out of place without completely invalidating the rest. There was a lot I misunderstood before I turned six or seven. Either way It's still awful enough.

Accepting the reality of such things took me a lot of time and a lot of grieving for the life I lived and the one I "should" have lived. None of it is your fault. Try to show yourself the kindness and patience you needed then and deserve now.

Mid 40s. Bad shit happened at work and being able to deal with that meant dealing with a lot of stuff I hoped to never deal with. My entire childhood was marred with abuse and neglect. Some of it was really dehumanizing.

Things have gotten a lot better in the last few years but it's been a lot of almost daily work. Even so some days my ideal life would have ended at their hands 40 something years ago. I'm quite blessed but pain has had its thumb on my life's balance and I can't say it's really been worth it. Today is a bad day though. Others are better. Such is life.

I'd be tempted to go exchange them for cash when the collection plate comes around. "Hold on folks, y'all tipped me with these Jesus gift cards but my landlord doesn't take them".

Ketamine got me to a place where I felt safe enough to look at some of the memories without spiraling. I think it helped and I've tried a lot of pills over 30 years.

ECT was my next step. I heard positive reviews when I was in lockup but wasn't quite ready.

I hope you find something that works. The other day I realized that for the first time since the abuse ended I wasn't in a hurry to die. It took almost 5 decades but I'll take what I can get. I mourn the lost time but have accepted it for the most part. Everyone is different but it was the first time something really worked for me.

It would be a funny case of diplomatic immunity.

I'm kind of torn. For 99% of people it's not a big deal. I think babies are cute the same way kittens are cute and naked kids are easier to wash the sand off of.

Unfortunately my first job forced me to deal with creepers into preschoolers and younger, which made it hard for me to let my kids wander nude. If everyone did it would be normalized enough but if you're the only ones then you're the only target.

Kind of sad really.

Total bullshit. If healing depended on forgiveness then I'd rather be vengeful. Unfortunately the chief engineer of my destruction died before I could even start to deal with it.

At one point I had to give up being actively angry for self preservation. The rage was hurting me not the dead guy. No forgiveness necessary but my response had to change. What anger made me do to myself was the turning point between ruminating in hatred and searching for relief.

In no way am I suggesting others need to even drop their anger to heal, but separating the hate from forgiveness let me dial it back without giving him a pass. I think that was helpful.

Thank you. That is helpful. It points out a pattern that I'd have associated with stress. Which it may be, but it's a new perspective to look into.

I never wanted to believe it and thought I was making it up. That seems pretty common. It was too much to deal with then and it's still overwhelming. I've tried a few things to keep getting by. I'm just a lost survivor, not a doctor, so feel free to call it bullshit and move on.

At one point I made a list of facts: I'm safe He's gone I'm human ...

And so on. I knew it all but sometimes the reminder helped me believe it.

Instrumental music helps keep my brain clear while I do something else that takes focus. Fast paced games. Juggling. Sometimes art. Sometimes cleaning. Clean standup comedy. Basically doubling down on distraction.

Writing helps. I was born with speech issues and still can't verbalize some things. Probably need to work on that. Writing gives me something to look back on later which can be helpful.

Reading other people's experiences here helped a lot. The amount of times I've said "Holy shit, it's not just me?" is a comfort. I've always been kind of odd but nothing that happened is unique and my responses are common. There's a definite limit to reading terrible experiences and sometimes I need to stay away too.

Meditation helps off and on. Moreso when I want to deal with the memories than take a break.

I'm sure I'm forgetting other things I've tried. Maybe some will work for you. If not then at least some rando cares enough to write a bunch of stuff, and there are people out there trying to make things better. I hope your night goes easier than expected and you can find some peace.

That sounds like a huge accomplishment. It's hard to stand up for yourself. After I told my spouse about the more serious abuse they were weirdly aggressive in a way. After a few times they accidentally fell and I told them "I said no"

They've been almost perfect since.

The time I told myself to suck it up and just perform like I had to in the olden days absolutely wrecked me. Never again.

Congratulations on your success and thank you for reminding me how good it feels to have control.

The rage eventually resulted in a serious suicide attempt. Knowing that is where it leads helps me because the correct answer to "Is this worth dying over" is almost always no.

I don't want to do these things. That gives me some motivation to stop. If I catch it early I can back off pretty well. Telling myself to calm down sometimes works.

More often than not the question "can you do anything about it?" helps calm me down when I'm pissed at certain things. Realizing the anger at my dad was poisoning me and not him because he's dead made it easier to let go of futile rage.

Taking a break, even a quick nap is enough of a context switch.

Benzos can help. The one I'm prescribed doesn't but if I hate the doc and the PA keeps renewing everything. Benzo withdrawal is no joke and addiction is possible. Be careful. Prescription only from a legit pharmacy.

Tell my spouse. She will help. Some behaviors have an attention seeking aspect so I cut out the middleman who likes to hit me.

And the best one of all: Prevention. I know most of my triggers and sometimes put things off if I know I can't handle the possible stress. I need to rotate my tires but know if it goes wrong I'm going to be annoyed because I can't afford better tools or to pay someone. So I'll use it as an opportunity to teach my daughter how to jack up a car, change tires, check brake pads and so on. I'm planning for success by having a smartass around to banter with.

Among the maladaptive options: Snacks. My emotions are delicious. Weed. I don't like smoking much but I keep a "rescue joint" handy. Nicotine. It's more to self treat ADHD (see the part where I hate the doc) but it can distract me for a few.

I'll add some more if they come to me. I hope that gives you some ideas anyway.

For the longest time I'd say "I don't cut so I don't self harm". Meanwhile id whip myself with belts, hit my face to leave bruises, hit things to the point Id break my hand, and you get the idea. I started with burning my hands on lightbulbs because I couldn't leave marks on my body. But I don't self harm because I'm not a cutter.

Once I went with the label of "behavior that is intentionally and physically self destructive" it made it easier to see the ways in which I harm myself.

I can be clean for a month or two and the self destructive rage comes back and it's open season. Much better than it was at least. I wish you the best.

Tragic