YOU ARE NOT AN ABUSER for your response to being abused. For your abuser to suggest otherwise is bullsh**. When an abuser wants to turn the story around to somehow justify their behavior, it's nothing but their own denial kicking in. They clearly are not able or ready to hear or respect your feelings. A lot of us feel that is not fair, that our abuser should listen and apologize, but for me, I had to realize it was an unrealistic expectation. I also had to let go of the idea that it was somehow up to them to make me feel better (by owning and apologizing for their behavior.) The truth is, I had to do the painful, honest work of healing and recovery myself. I used different therapies, sometimes medication, self-help groups, education about trauma, and I distanced myself from my abusers for emotional safety. I wish you strength and light on the journey.

I believe both have an equal place in CPTSD treatment. The approaches are different, and both can produce very positive outcomes, dependent on the client's willingness and openness to the process. I wish you light and strength on the journey!

I am seeing this on my website as well, and I don't understand why. I did some research and discovered Poland is fast becoming a player in the top hacker countries, but other than that, it doesn't make sense. In one month I've had 793 visits from Poland, and about 100 from the U.S. and elsewhere. ??

I would choose option 1. AND I just realized, the voting is closed. Never mind. Keep up the great work!

You are right in that most of your symptoms are indicators of past sexual abuse. I didn't remember anything for decades, and I was in my 40's in counseling when things started to surface. I was also mentally and physically abused, and sa'd by my father, older brother, grandmother and a female cousin, at least those are the ones I now know about. I hope you will visit with a trauma counselor who can help you with recovery. I wish you light and strength for the journey.

I had so many of the red flags indicating sexual abuse, but I denied it for decades because 1) I found other explanations for those red flags, and 2) I had no memory of being sexually abused. I was in my 40s when the pieces began to unveil. I had a counselor ask me once if I'd been sexually abused, because she saw some of the flags. From what you shared, I would encourage you to visit with a trauma counselor, who can help you sort through what's going on. I wish you light and strength on the journey!

The group I was in had 2 therapists who facilitated it, over the course of about 12 weeks. I don't remember how that door opened. You will want to start by asking your therapist(s) about group therapy suggestions. These days, there are lots of options out there. If your therapist isn't in touch with any of them, visit this website at Johns Hopkins Medical Center, and it lists the RAINN and Stop It Now resources. Resources for Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse | Moore Center for the Prevention of Child Sexual Abuse (jhu.edu)

I understand, as so many of us do on this thread. First, I'm glad you're connected to a therapist and particularly going through emdr. I completed my emdr a few years ago and still am in awe at how effective it's been. In my personal experience, when I feel uncertain about taking a next step that I know will bring more stress, I like to give myself permission to focus on just one day at a time. In your case, you have a LOT on your recovery plate right now, and perhaps focusing on therapy/emdr for now is your best option. Later, when you've got your feet steady on the ground (so to speak) and good support around you, there will time to revisit the question about reporting.

Years ago, I was in a group therapy for adults molested as kids, and one of the assignments was to fill out a standard police report. The act of doing that in itself was so triggering for me, and at the same time validating. Our therapists made sure we understood the assignment was one step, not that we had to follow through with law enforcement unless we felt ready.

I wish you well, and sending light and strength for your journey.

Hi, I'm really glad you reached out. I've experienced many times when my CPTSD felt overwhelming, like I was sliding down into a dark abyss. Other times I felt frozen, and even getting out of bed took every bit of energy I had. We all have different symptoms, but I want you to know: you are not to blame. What you are feeling and going through is your body and mind's response to being hurt. It's okay. I hope you are in a safer place now, because feeling safe is a huge step for all of us with CPTSD. In my experience, I have my safe rituals. I rock with my pillow. I have one friend who I reach out to, and she doesn't try to tell me what to feel or how to deal, she just listens. When I'm struggling, I take control of what I can, like lighting a candle, deep breathing, letting myself cry, writing in my journal, feeling angry, feeling sad. Whatever you can do to help yourself, do it. If you have a safe adult in your life, reach out to that person. We are all here together.

You are in no way to blame that your cousin abused you. You were her victim. I understand your feelings of not wanting to make waves in the family right now, but my hope is you will seek counseling and finally be able to process some of your feelings. The time may come when you decide you no longer want to keep your biological relationship to your daughter a secret. But when or if that time comes, the counseling will have prepared you and helped you through your original traumas. There are some practical realities that may happen too -- for example, I was never sure which man was the father of my daughter, and a few years ago she decided to do a dna test. Several of the DNA-related relatives that popped up on her list included members of her father's family. Fortunately, the outcome was very positive for both her and him. I wish you light and strength for the journey!

Thank you for sharing here. I echo what the others have said and add, you didn't cause it, you can't change it, you can't control it. You can keep taking steps to protect yourself and the kids. I understand when you wrote about not "evoking anger." Yeah. I was married to an alcoholic who used rage to intimidate, gaslight, and otherwise try to control me and get me to turn back into the sick codependent I had been -- covering for him, always taking the blame for his behavior, etc. When I finally found the courage to leave, I thought if I took him for a drive he wouldn't get so angry. BIG mistake. He caused us to get in an accident (I was driving), and fortunately no one else was involved or hurt. He also threatened suicide.

What you are doing takes strength and courage, and you've got both in spades. Sending you light for the journey. And hope. Because there will be a time when you look back and can't imagine being the person you were before you left. ♥

You are already on the path to healing and recovery. Spiritual abuse was part of my trauma too, along with sexual, physical, emotional and mental. Keep moving forward with your therapist. You may reach a point where in order to go deeper into the core stuff that is the heart of healing, you will need to make a choice about doing everything it takes to stop drinking. But in the meantime, keep doing what you're doing. Know that there are thousands of us who have walked the same path, and are rooting for you.

Absolutely! That's why it's called "Holiday Survival Tips" so if your family is getting together for whatever reason this season, it applies. Or we could call it, "Visiting Family Survival Tips" for anyone who needs this gentle reminder. :)

YES! I love that one! Thank you!

Thank you for sharing with all of us. I relate. At one point over the many, many years of therapy, medications, etc I was inpatient for about a month for severe depression and anxiety. During those years I rarely had health insurance, so I sought out free mental health counseling at clinics, and the ones who were sliding scale depending on income. I also used self-help groups and found a clinical drug study trial that I qualified for. Also like you (I suspect from what you wrote) I researched and read about many aspects of my mental illnesses. Like you, on the surface I looked successful. Yet I thought about dying / suicide several times a day. Most days I felt like I was walking underwater trying to push through.

I know how hollow and even shame-inducing it feels when well-meaning people suggest what I 'should' do. I have nearly drowned in those shame spirals of self judgement and comparing 'how good' I had it to others.

You already know how serious your condition is, and my hope is you will find some strength to hold on until you connect with a therapist. You might check with your doctor to ask for a prescription renewal at low-cost or no-cost. Certain drug companies offer those programs through medical referrals. One thing that helped me was when I finally came clean with my family and friends about how bad it was. I quickly figured out I had to first say, "I need to tell you what's going on with me and ask for your compassion while I'm dealing with it." That was so difficult, because one hallmark of mental illnesses like severe depression is masking it in front of others. Minimizing. Being codependent about their feelings and reassuring them not to worry. I had to let go of what others might think or judge and put myself first. Most of my family and friends were supportive and compassionate. There were also a few who couldn't deal with it. And of course, there was at least one person who told me all I needed to do was "smile more! Get busy and get your mind off it." They simply didn't get it.

Please keep posting here when you feel the need. You matter. I wish you light and strength on the journey.

Absolutely have had the experience of doubting and rationalizing. I too have worked with various therapies for decades, and love who I am today. Yet once in a while, I still look for signs or 'proof' that none of it happened. For me, I know it's echoes from long ago, echoing from the survival tools I created and used to survive. I try to give myself some grace when I recognize that I'm doing it again, and remind myself of the truth: I know what happened, I know how it affected me (in hundreds of subtle and obvious ways) and I know how long and difficult my recovery was. I wish you light on your journey. You matter.

Breathe. Remind yourself that your evidence may very well save others. You survived horrific experiences, ones much worse than what you are doing today. You've got this. I honor your bravery.

I am so sorry you have such a lousy family. You deserved better, as we all did. My relationship with my brother was awful in our younger years -- he tormented me, and of course I did everything in my power to 'make' him like me, if not love me. Part of my recovery was recognizing that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't change it. Not alcoholism, not my parents, not my brother. In therapy and ACOA meetings, I slowly learned to focus on myself and my own recovery, instead of constantly trying to figure out ways to deal with my family. Eventually I was able to stop trying to get my brother to like me, and I accepted him for who is is, not for who I wanted or needed him to be. Same with my parents. My grandmother was so toxic I finally told her I was backing off and would not be in contact for awhile, for my own mental health. "Awhile" turned out to be permanently, and I have never regretted my decision. As an outsider reading what you wrote, it's clear to me that your parents (for whatever reason doesn't matter) cannot love you the way you need. Your choice is to stay in that toxic family relationship dynamic, or change your actions and expectations. Therapy, self-help groups, reading about adult children and recovery -- all helped me so much. I wish you light and strength on your journey!

I am so proud of you. I know so well "the checklist", and too many times I caved in, instead of calling my sponsor or going to an AlAnon meeting. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and hope. It was only when I finally said 'no', and removed the codependent props I'd been holding up, that my Q truly hit bottom and went into rehab.

I could have written this post myself over many decades of my life. I totally understand! I was able to find a female dentist, and I told her at our first meeting that I was not only really nervous, but also dealing with past trauma, and seeing a doctor is part of that trauma. She was very kind and gentle, and asked my permission every step of the way. She also gave me the choice of using a sedative (NO WAY was I going to sleep!) or trying the gas they give kids. I opted for the gas, and I was still awake but more relaxed. Therapy, self-help groups, and eventually EMDR all helped me overcome my distorted perceptions. I wish you strength and hope on the journey.

Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope!