I wanna know if anybody else is in the same boat?
He’s the abuser but when I get mad at him abusing me IM NOW “THE ABUSER” I can’t.
Anybody else have your abuser use their childhood trauma as an excuse to abuse you?
Thank you
I generally agree with your statement but the same logic could be applied to the parent, right?
I know with my parents, they denied any wrongdoing at first but followed up by essentially reasoning that they were never taught the correct behavior; that they tried their best and did what they thought was right based on their own experiences and the information available at the time. It's true that from a psychological perspective, they really didn't have a choice but to abuse. It's all they knew.
That doesn't invalidate your personal history. Both things can be true.
What is incumbent on your abuser (presumably your parent), is to acknowledge the way in which their behavior was inadequate and work with you not only to right the wrongs and make you whole; but to engage with you in a way that is collaborative so that the two of you can engage from a more adaptive, balanced, and ultimately healthy way.
I think there's room for forgiveness and understanding, but I can understand that often, that forgiveness and understanding is redirected inward because the abuser is simply not going to comply. At that point you have no choice but to abandon the fantasy that your parent is going to come to a miraculous understanding and put themselves in a position of inferiority and indebtedness based on how they treated you. It's just too hard for them to do.
Presumably, the psychological reason why they succumbed to the impulse of abusing you, the child, is because they were resolving their own personal history. If they continue to engage in cognitive defenses, it is because they haven't resolved it. Kicking and screaming is only going to further inflame the situation. I totally agree with your assessment that in a lot (if not the broad majority) of cases, the healing is going to have to be unilateral.
Every single time my abuser is confronted or questioned about how I was treated , it turns into “did you know what I went through growing up ?”
So now I’m not only dismissed as far as what I’m feeling and going through I’m also judged for not having sympathy for their problems
Me too. I was treated like this by someone on this sub literally yesterday. I made a post like this yesterday and had to delete it bc someone commented about my abuser saying “no one is perfect” like…. I feel so shit on.
Holy shit, this. I'm so fucking tired of it.
MY MOM. She’s a martyr in her mind because of all she experienced and all she suffered as a mother but fuck her for her denial of her abuses and continuing to mentally manipulate me into adulthood
I think this is the norm. “You think that was bad? You should have seen the whippings my daddy gave me”.
My ex yes. Using their abuse from their grandma as an excuse for why they gaslit me, cheated on me, SA'd me, etc
My mom didn't make much excuses for her abuse towards me never really gave a reason
My brothers just for some reason just wanted to see me suffer
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I can't say I've had this, but part of the reason I'm not having children is because I'm scared I would do this myself.
I don't work because I can't handle it, the pressure led to attempts at my own life repeatedly and violent outbursts.
I feel like raising a child would be an immense amount of pressure and I'd end up having the same reactions, which wouldn't be a healthy environment for a child to grow up in and I know I'd blame my mental health issues for my inability to remain emotionally stable under pressure which would just be me making excuses for why I'm being an abuser in that situation, but luckily I know that, so to avoid it outright I just won't have children and then It can't happen.
I think what hurt me the most was that as I became older, more educated, and passionate about things like social justice, that same info started to get used against me.
E.g. if I didn’t make nice and let the past go, I would get accused of being a hypocrite for worsening his mental health.
It was horrible. The most evil kind of mental gymnastics from people that just want to sweep your pain under the rug.
Yes, not generally but a bit.
"My brother had cancer, so I learned that my needs never mattered." (In reality, he made sure that his needs and wants was the only thing that mattered, while still claiming that all the choices he made for me/forced were "for my sake" and him being generous and sacrificing himself once again.)
"I've never felt loved before and I have no sense of self worth unless you love me. You have to show that you love me by having sex with me, otherwise I feel worthless and just want to die." This was the justification for coercing/raping me if I ever dared try to say no.
But most of the time, it was just standard DARVO and turning things around, accusing me of everything I let him know that I had figured out that he was doing. (And I told him because for the longest time, I still naively hoped that he didn't want to hurt me and would see reason and stop if he understood.)
My mum told me she hopes I suffer like she did
💔 Jesus, that’s awful.
She's a horrible heartless woman. I really did suffer.
Yeah I have had this dynamic with friends. It gets dark. It's sad. If people use their own trauma as an excuse it's time to run in my experience.
Parent-cliché aside -that was my bully's excuse.
In a nutshell: My bully's father was dying of cancer. The entire 2 years (before I changed schools) I only knew her as a grumpy, bitter girl who insulted me for little reason. Tbf, like Mean Girls, she wasn't the main instigator: more the insulting backdrop to my main bully. However, she was always continuous in it. And I mean: continuously. At every opportunity, she'd tell me I'm stupid/ugly. That I'm unwanted. That I should stay home and k'll myself, cause I'm so useless. Also taking active part in casting me out/treating me like a leper. To the point I had to listen to her & my main bully for 30min, about how much neither wanted to have me in their P.E. team!
So how did I find out? Well: One day, she insulted me as usual. Being awkward/shit in insults, I called her a "cancer-lady". Instead of looking at me with disgust, she ran out of the classroom crying. Everyone screamed at me, telling me she had recently lost her Dad due to cancer. I didn't know cause...well, I was outcasted of every class small-talk.
the shit went so far i nearly got kicked from school! Luckily, my psychopathic mother's trauma was a bit worse and she screamed the commite into the ground. When she brought up my bully's actions? "Well...that sounds bad. But she was probably just lashing out due to grief."
till this day I don't feel sorry for this POS. Hope you still fucking suffer, Lucie
Yes, my ex displays sociopathic behavior. He would continuously remind me throughout our 12 year relationship that my family didn't like me. By the end of our relationship I was told to just kill myself (I've struggle with passive suicide since a child) because I wasn't human and didn't deserve to live. Thankfully, I have an amazing therapist that is experienced in EMDR therapy.
According to my sister, every time she brings up her trauma with my mom, my mom starts talking about herself. When my sister says stuff like "but you did that to me" or "you did that to external-tiger-393", she just says that she doesn't remember doing it (she's also a compulsive liar who is constantly redefining her own identity and even her own life).
Self centered jackasses will be self centered jackasses, I guess. The fact is that if they cared about the fact that they hurt the people around them all the time, they'd do something like get mental health care. The choice not to get that health care is something that they've made for every second of their adult life. They don't want to get better, and they don't care about the consequences of their actions. These are values based decisions.
One might say "but external tiger! what about people who can't afford therapy?" but the people who need it and can't afford it are in the extreme minority of people who need it and don't get it. Especially in the US, where Medicaid and Medicare both cover mental health.
Edit: I should mention that I don't bring this stuff up with my mom because we are no contact. I will not re-establish contact with her under any circumstances.
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Mine used his military combat trauma as an excuse.
1 missing reply
YOU ARE NOT AN ABUSER for your response to being abused. For your abuser to suggest otherwise is bullsh**. When an abuser wants to turn the story around to somehow justify their behavior, it's nothing but their own denial kicking in. They clearly are not able or ready to hear or respect your feelings. A lot of us feel that is not fair, that our abuser should listen and apologize, but for me, I had to realize it was an unrealistic expectation. I also had to let go of the idea that it was somehow up to them to make me feel better (by owning and apologizing for their behavior.) The truth is, I had to do the painful, honest work of healing and recovery myself. I used different therapies, sometimes medication, self-help groups, education about trauma, and I distanced myself from my abusers for emotional safety. I wish you strength and light on the journey.