User deleted post
You are right in that most of your symptoms are indicators of past sexual abuse. I didn't remember anything for decades, and I was in my 40's in counseling when things started to surface. I was also mentally and physically abused, and sa'd by my father, older brother, grandmother and a female cousin, at least those are the ones I now know about. I hope you will visit with a trauma counselor who can help you with recovery. I wish you light and strength for the journey.
Seeking out older men and showing them your body IS a form of child sexual abuse. It's one of those things where it feels like we were in control and doing it voluntarily and therefore it's hard to see it as abuse and very easy to feel like we were responsible for it. Adults shouldn't be asking for these things. This wasn't a sign of abuse, it was abuse. Adults who aren't predators don't allow children to seek them out or show them their body but predators do.
I appreciate you pointing this out, because this happened to me too and it is a good thing to aware of that this is also abuse. It took me some time therapy to realize that it was.
To the OP, I'm really sorry you're going through this. When I'm having trouble believing and trusting myself i try reminding myself that most people don't have these thoughts about their own fathers and those thoughts are there for a reason. I'm going through something similar, recently had memories surface of my dad molesting me (I've had the memory a long time, just the face was blurry) and it has made me question everything. Along with feeling guilty for even considering they are real. My point is, even with memories, our brains don't want to believe it. So, try to be kind to yourself because this is really hard and you're strong for even trying to figure it out
I don't know what happened to you or didn't happen to you but all I can say is that I relate to so many points in that list. I'm in my 30s and have always had the vagina issue (vaginismus). I don't have any memories or being abused, but so many signs point to that.
Welcome to r/adultsurvivors. Your post has been automatically held for moderator review and approval. This does not mean there are any issues with the post or that you have broken any of our rules. Dozens of posts and comments are held for review every day by various automated filters, and most are manually approved by moderators. You might see a message underneath your post saying that it has been removed by the moderators or Reddit's filters. This is due to a combination of technical issues related to a Reddit UI change. It does not mean that your post has actually been removed. Please expect a bit of a delay before it gets approved. We recognize the importance of your needs, and our small moderation team are working diligently to review and approve posts. We apologize for any inconvenience, and appreciate your understanding and patience.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1 missing reply
I, too, have a lifetime of symptoms very similar to yours, but no explicit memories of sexual abuse. Although we may or may not recover memories of trauma, our stories and symptoms deserve to be heard and recognized. My therapist has been extremely validating in this regard. Our goal isn’t to recovery memories or to imagine possible traumatic scenarios, but rather to have my past and present suffering witnessed in the interest of healing. Unintentionally, this process has led to me putting more pieces of the puzzle together.