Life is great. And I want to die.

Sadness / Grief

I haven't slept in 36 hours. Cried silently and alone for about half of that time. I'll try to keep it short:

I am 24F, almost 25, and am Asian, if that helps provide any general cultural context for what's to follow.
I was diagnosed with major chronic depressive disorder, generalized anxiety, bipolar 2, and ADHD around 21 yrs-old when I finally got health insurance for the first time and sought help. It took that long because my family just never understood what mental health was, let alone seeking professional help/diagnoses, and we went through financial hardships throughout my high school/college years so we wouldn't have been able to afford it anyway.
Despite being undiagnosed with so many issues and experiencing a wide range of traumas, I grew up relatively well-adjusted, and a star student. I played multiple instruments, I excelled in sports, won medals, graduated high school with a 3.97 GPA, got scholarships into college, and even graduated college at the top of my class as salutatorian in 2021. I have many friends and am part of many social circles.
My mom, the absolute most loving, supportive, beautiful woman in the world.. was diagnosed with Leukemia in my senior year of college. I'm so thankful she lived long enough to watch me receive my diploma. She died from Leukemia the following year in April 2022. Our entire family was lost without her. I was (and honestly am still) absolutely destroyed by her death. I was her main caretaker for the last few months of her life. I was with her in hospice when she took her last breath.

So here I am. Still grieving. Unemployed since August because I work in the animation industry and I think we all know how that's been with the recent strikes.

I don't know. I don't know what to write. I'm just rambling because I'm spiraling. Am I writing a note?

Once I was diagnosed, I did start medications, and kept with them for about the last 2.5 years until my health insurance (provided by my employer) ran out because we were all laid off. I've been off them since August, so if I did go through withdrawals, I honestly couldn't tell you because my life has never been stabile enough for me to have a baseline to compare to. I could've been taking sugar pills for all I know, I don't know. Maybe the medications just lessened how extreme the extremes could be, but I know for sure that before, during, and after meds, I have and still always feel depressed, anxious, low energy, low motivation, irritable, self-deprecating, etc, etc.

But on paper, I'm so successful. To my peers and relatives, I'm a role model. I'm the first descendent born in the US to graduate from college, and as salutatorian. My name can be found in the credits of a very successful TV show. I have an incredible support system through my dad, my brother, my SIL, and my partner. I have a house under my name.

And I want to die. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing brings me any lasting satisfaction. I try to stay social, reach out to friends, go out on dates, and we regularly have family dinners. But everything is just a distracting from the never-ending inner turmoil I'm going through. When I stop moving, when I lay in bed and everything is quiet, all the negatives thoughts come back, and I grieve for my mom. The "nothing makes me happy" part has been a thing since high school, well before she died, but it definitely amplified with her passing.

I feel nothing from playing video games and hobbies that I used to love when I was younger. I eat like shit and have become overweight. I feel like a disgusting shell of myself. I hate the way I look in the mirror, and my brain just tells me, "You let yourself get fat and ugly. You deserve to stay fat and ugly." even though my family and partner regularly reassure me that I am still beautiful and that my worth isn't tied to my appearance. But I can't help it. I was the ugly kid growing up, then I had a glow up in high school and looked good as hell through college. And then my mom died, so I just stopped taking care of myself. In a similar way, I was a spoiled upperclass kid growing up, then suddenly poor through middle and high school, then back to being very comfortable once the new family business kicked off during my college years, so now I don't even know how to feel about money.

I know I need therapy. I've never had therapy except some crisis counseling I got through my university, but they weren't even licensed therapists yet. They were interns/students still working on their psych degree. I enrolled in obamacare this November, so I should finally have health insurance again starting January 2024, but I don't know if/when I'll find a safe and reliable therapist.

Will I make it to Christmas? Will I make it to New Years? Will I make it to my birthday the following month?

Part of me wants to die, part of me absolutely refuses to put my family through that after having lost Mom, especially to my dad and brother who have shown nothing but love and support for me. Truly, I am so, so, so, lucky.

Which is why I feel even more guilty for feeling this way. Life is so good right now. Our family business is bringing in a comfortable income, and I'm not being rushed or forced to get any menial job that'll likely add to my stress. Everyone gets along and loves one another, and especially love me.

And I still want to die. I've always had it at the back of my mind since middle school. I've never self harmed in ways that would be permanent (cutting, burning, etc), though I did develop an unhealthy coping mechanism of bashing my head/forehead onto walls/tables and digging my nails into my palms.

I'm just.. I don't know. I just sobbed and doomscrolled throughout the night and now it's 9:30 in the morning.

Yeah.

in mentalhealthby rockestbottom

96%

5mo

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truecampbell

5mo

Thank you for sharing with all of us. I relate. At one point over the many, many years of therapy, medications, etc I was inpatient for about a month for severe depression and anxiety. During those years I rarely had health insurance, so I sought out free mental health counseling at clinics, and the ones who were sliding scale depending on income. I also used self-help groups and found a clinical drug study trial that I qualified for. Also like you (I suspect from what you wrote) I researched and read about many aspects of my mental illnesses. Like you, on the surface I looked successful. Yet I thought about dying / suicide several times a day. Most days I felt like I was walking underwater trying to push through.

I know how hollow and even shame-inducing it feels when well-meaning people suggest what I 'should' do. I have nearly drowned in those shame spirals of self judgement and comparing 'how good' I had it to others.

You already know how serious your condition is, and my hope is you will find some strength to hold on until you connect with a therapist. You might check with your doctor to ask for a prescription renewal at low-cost or no-cost. Certain drug companies offer those programs through medical referrals. One thing that helped me was when I finally came clean with my family and friends about how bad it was. I quickly figured out I had to first say, "I need to tell you what's going on with me and ask for your compassion while I'm dealing with it." That was so difficult, because one hallmark of mental illnesses like severe depression is masking it in front of others. Minimizing. Being codependent about their feelings and reassuring them not to worry. I had to let go of what others might think or judge and put myself first. Most of my family and friends were supportive and compassionate. There were also a few who couldn't deal with it. And of course, there was at least one person who told me all I needed to do was "smile more! Get busy and get your mind off it." They simply didn't get it.

Please keep posting here when you feel the need. You matter. I wish you light and strength on the journey.