I feel so much the same way about the environment vs the work. 

I also enjoy the work that I do but I find nearly every environment to be triggering, almost always because of the power dynamics of it. Pretty much everywhere, you are required to submit to your employer and they know it, and many abuse it. 

Like you, I would love to figure out a way to use my skills independently. I know it would improve my happiness immensely. 

IMO more needs to be talked about regarding the intersection of CPTSD and work life.

Most work environments out there are degrading, anti-human, and make it abundantly clear how unbalanced the power dynamics are.

Applying for jobs, getting jobs and working jobs makes me suicidal. 

You're an inspiration. 

Do you have any more updates?

Yes, thank you.

One of the biggest healing tools I've found for myself is just talking to people who understand. Just putting my emotions out there does wonders, probably because I spent so long keeping them secret.

I hope your journey is going well too.

If I didn't already know I had CPTSD, I would after reading this.

But thanks also for helping me put these things into clear and articulate words.

One additional thing I experience but I didn't see explicitly mentioned is passive suicidal ideation. I don't think I would ever do it, but the intrusive thoughts are frequent. This might be a part of the self-loathing you did mention however.

Glad to hear that you're feeling better.

It's a defense mechanism.

Push people away before they push him away.

I can only thank my therapist for getting me off that track or I'd be like this guy too.

Sounds almost exactly like my mother too.

I'm glad this sub exists just for the fact that I'm learning lots of things but damn if this rabbit hole doesn't go deep.

If happiness is what you want, then don't be something you're not.

Be more of who you actually are: kind, caring, generous and more.

Find people who have the same values as you, also.

I have personally believee religion has been transformed into a tool of control since my youth, so yes, I agree with you.

It is used to teach you that you should be ashamed of yourself for your natural desires. The enjoyment of sex becomes taboo and no matter what you do or think, you were born a sinner.

It's highly toxic.

"forgiveness" much like "happiness" are too vague to mean anything useful in normal contexts. In the context of CPTSD and abuse it's practically pointless, IMO.

Instead of saying words like forgiveness think about words like "reconciliation" , or "moving on/forward",  or "acceptance", or "grieving", or "healing" and probably tons of others.

Should you reconcile with an abuser? Hell fucking no.

Should you try your best to move forward and focus on your own healing? I think so.

Revenge fantasies are normal even for non CPTSD people. 

Hollywood makes movies about it all the time so it must resonate.

God if this isn't true. I don't think I ever had a "room for growth" review that didn't leave my feeling hopeless and near suicidal.  Good for you for figuring it out though. I had to get fired before I managed to get myself to therapy. 

I'm so sorry. Sometimes I wonder how I managed it. It has to be all luck. 

My god yes. 

I've been fired for not being confident enough. It wasn't even a sales job or anything, I was a data analyst, but my boss would constantly get on my case for simply not sounding confident during meetings. 

The truth is that this society was designed to exploit you. The truth is that all civilizations are designed to do it, it's just that some managed to be less so and others more so.

Assuming you're American, then your mental illness and lack of financial resources will make you even more susceptible to be exploited. That's even before we start factoring in race and gender.

You feel stuck because it's the truth. You are stuck.

My only advice is to do your best to acknowledge and accept this and try your best to find accomplishable goals that can make you happy/fulfilled /contented despite the BS all around us.

I'm the exact opposite.

Money to me feels like the only way to stay safe and not rely on anyone.

So I never spend it.

Read "Civilized to Death" by Christopher Ryan. It may not give you any practical advice but it will allow you better intellectual understanding of our society.

Sometimes just talking helps, especially a friend or family member that I know cares about me. I find that it grounds me very well because once I can start talking about it, I can work my way through the emotions.

I don't play many video games, but I do love my various board games. And D&D, of course.

Yes I feel this too.

A lot of people think I'm laid back and easy going when I'm actually just in perpetual freeze/fawn

I think of it like this: if you are obese and put in the effort to lose weight, there is no magic wand for that either.

It will take time, and the incremental improvements will be small, and there might be some setbacks along the way. But over time they will add up.

Hi OP, I don't have any advice for you but I'm wondering how you are doing now, 3 years later?

I find myself in the same position as you. Depressed, tired, and lost. I feel like all I want is to live a simple, stress free life, but work causes me so much stress due to many mental health issues, I would just love to stop.

Have things improved for you? Do you have any advice you can share to others now?

Thanks for responding!

That's interesting to hear about how you are affected by anxiety and depression. For me, I have learned that I'm very triggered by perfectionism, I have a very hard time saying "no", and I probably tend to not come across well to coworkers which makes working pretty awful for me

I had been trying to FIRE for years long before I got my diagnosis only a few months ago. I'm sure I intuitively realized what was going on even if I didn't understand anything about CPTSD.

what do you mean you can make it without a job number?

Otherwise I agree with you on the work life balance thing. I feel that until I am able to FIRE, what I really need is ample time to care for myself.

Hey I just want you to know I'm in a similar state as you, but for different reasons. I'm 41m and have a wonderful fiance who I love very much.

But due to severe mental illness that I didn't recognize until now, I lost an amazing very well paying job that I worked for years to get.

So I understand the feeling of loss and of being stuck and of having to start over because that's where I am too now.

I'm in the process of learning to accept this for what it is and forgiving myself. It's easier said than done, but I can do it. And so can you.

Note also that you said you "FEEL" like you're starting from zero. There's a big difference between what you feel and what the facts are. If you are anything like me, what you feel is often much worse than what is actually true.