How do you not let life turn you mean?

I would say just keep the focus on yourself.

The world is always going to be unfair but doesn't stop it from turning.

My POS brother live in Florida has a beautiful house new cars the whole nines whatever he wants he gets.

He is an entitled selfish prick. When my mother had a mental breakdown I stood behind to take care of her and paid all of her bills for years.

He immediately left the house and Commented "I got out just in time".

I can get mad and stay mad. I have a lot to be mad about lol

Especially now that my mom's down in Florida helping my brother with her kids and I'm struggling raising my kid with zero help. Not one day off since he's been born.

BUT! I have a healthy baby who adores both his parents, I'm in a loving relationship, even though I live in a one bedroom apartment we still have a roof over ahead our heads, food in the fridge among other things.

So why would I continue to hurt myself with the unfairness?

It's not going to change the situation.

I went no contact with my family and still detoxing them but the anger subsided quite a bit once I just stop focusing on them and focusing on in the next steps in my life are.

I eliminated my triggers and my stressors to finally heal.

Don't get me wrong I trip up every once in awhile but it's not a daily occurrence like it used to be.

Make goals for yourself and put all your energy into that along with hobbies that make you happy. Take care of your health and fuck everyone else bullshit.

I think its impressive that you have described your jealousy in clear terms. Its something that is incredibly relatable. I think that the core step in healing is to get rid of the instinct to compare/compete/rank. Its so hard to do this but I've realized that my urge to compare doesn't usually relate to what I truly want in life. Instead, its ammunition that I use to construct and reinforce a negative self image/narrative. I think composite ideas like success/productivity are examples of this too.

If what I truly want in life is to be positive, I think the best way to do that is to ignore the predetermined socially defined notions of success and comparison, and instead focus on that inner feeling that I am yearning for. To me, I know that means doing what I love even if I am not "good" at it. It means forging connections with others, even if I am not a popular socialite. I just want to connect with myself and others in a manner that allows me to be vulnerable. The urge to compare, I think, is rooted in shame and I know that everytime I make a comparison I am reinforcing the warped world view that my parents conditioned me into believing. But I don't have to look at the world this way. I can define my own understanding of success. I don't have to be better or worse than anybody. I can just be.

All of this is really hard and I'm still trying to figure it out but I hope what I am saying makes sense. its not at all meant to be prescriptive or anything. Its very much me trying to share my personal experience <3

Because I don't want to be kind and Positive for other people. I can't, I suck at faking. I want to be so for myself. Other people just get to benefit from My inner glow. I want to shine. The more dark and harder life gets, the more I want to glow.

It's That glow that drives me forward. I love sharing its light and warmth. Because it makes me glow brighter.

I wrestled with this one a long time.

Forgiving myself, giving myself the compassion I wish others did, setting boundaries and sticking to them helped. Not keeping people in my life who continuously refused to treat me well. Allowing myself to feel negative emotions, even shameful ones like insecurity or jealousy while accepting myself for having them and not taking it out on others.

But I ultimately didn’t want to become mean, because it’s not actually fun or fulfilling being a mean person. Even if outwardly, they have an enviable life, they likely don’t see the good parts of it.

Mean, hate-filled people aren’t actually liked or respected. Their friendships are either superficial or based on mutual misery.

Happy, secure people don’t act like Regina George, Donald Trump, or Elon Musk.

They act like Elle Woods or Uncle Iroh,

I had a lot of things I enjoyed and I ultimately wanted to have fun and enjoy life.

I think at some point you just have to accept that that’s life anyone can have good things happen to them and sometimes people just get nothing. If you don’t actually want to do something then just don’t do it and if you are going to do something nice just try to do it without expectations of any kind of reward.

I think giving too much can lead to resentment, hate. It seems like that’s exactly what’s happening. Boundaries are very important, and can help you be more kind, in the end. You can’t be selfless all the time, there’s such a thing as healthy selfishness. I found Brené Brown very helpful when it came to understanding that.

Forcing yourself to be pleasant to be around isn’t really a good thing.. And I’d certainly never want anyone to do that for me. You don’t have to be a ‘perfect’ person all the time. Sometimes it’s necessary to say: I feel like shit, I’ve got nothing to give. That’s normal.

I also recommend reading some philosophy, or even just watching the good place. Genuinely, it was very helpful for me personally to figure out what a ‘good person’ is, what I think that looks like.

Pop your horse blinders on b! Don’t lose that light inside of you to the darkness of the world.

You aren’t always failing either! I believe that we only fail at the things that aren’t for us. I don’t think the universe delivers anything to you until you’re ready to have it!

I have failed most of my life and I also would still be considered a failure to normie people but I’m on my own path and the focus needs to be on healing, not succeeding! Building a life that you are content and happy within! That is success for us! Little beautiful things! BUT don’t also forget that we’re survivors! You’re already winning more than most if you show up every day after everything you’ve been through, wanting to die & STILL show kindness and warmth…That makes you the baddest cunt (sorry I’m Aussie) ever!

I laugh too I pick rubbish up as well and CANNOT ever leave a trolly at my car I must walk it over to the stupid trolly bay even if it’s 500m away and I’m FUCKING exhausted. I think, well it’s someone else’s responsibility is it that’s not nice.

You’re a good person! Sending all of the love and sparkles ✨✨✨✨💕

I think it's important to disconnect from the bad as much as possible, which only works if one is fortunate enough to have the good be a part of their existence. If the cosmic scales tip one way or another... well.

Perhaps the fact that we can think about and question our nature is an indication we're not bad. It's such a complicated thing to begin with in terms of definition. Perhaps it's part of one's nature - and being "good" doesn't preclude us from setting healthy barriers and standing up for ourselves.

Not something I should think about, though - am I bad for mocking a transphobic ignoramus this morning in a way I wouldn't have done before? For all the various times I have let a fight reaction guide me in the online sphere just because I don't care anymore? Trying to do what's right seems like such a pointless curse when you're going to be the villain regardless. However, at a minimum, I think it's important to cut out as much of the meanness of existence as possible and replace it with things that feel better... but it's goddamn hard to find meaning when you're on your own. Can't say I see a way out from this angle, so... and yet things do feel at least a little lighter after having decompressed, cut out a lot of junk media, had some better interactions, and tried to stay active at least with what little is available here. Less time to stew on a bad mood, ya know? No use hanging around toxic influences. Just wish there was a better, more immediate answer sometimes.

I am having the same problem. After my last knife in the back, I feel I have become dark & cruel inside. I don't know how to reverse this.

I feel it's a matter of healing and the darkness will fade

You don’t have to keep positive.

That’s really it. Forced positivity is doing you more harm than good in the long run. If you’re sad for the day, be sad for the day. If you’re angry, be angry. Negative feelings are just as valid as positive ones and should be respected. Try to do something constructive with negativity, though. Let it push you to make changes in your life for the better. And journaling is useful.

Too much CPTSD makes one unpleasant to normal people and they pick up on that.

I am not really sure how to heal from that either.

I think the focus is slightly skewed. Being a good person is different than being a nice person. Sometimes people need to be told off. Some aren’t comfortable with that and that’s okay. Sometimes people should be walked away from. Some shouldn’t be given the time of day.

I think the focus could be more toward finding that happy medium. Allowing yourself to be frustrated sometimes, have a bad day, etc gives you room to be a human being.

For me, it’s always been the people-pleasing need I have that is simply just another trauma response. I’ve been the glue and the fun and the joy for my 41 years. So it was controlled, which makes it even more sad.

But once I started unwinding the control, I got REAL angry. Like, violent toward our home. I probably caused around $500 in damages, breaking and throwing things at drywall. It was not pretty.

Even then, I surrounded myself around people who pushed me. When I was angry, I didn’t want a patterned person in my life: I wanted someone to show me the real part of themselves, whether that be their trauma or their current issues or just anything for me to chew on.

Kindness is back, but it’s not fake. Sitting and listening to people who gave me their true selves (and I was able to share my shit without them bailing) was the biggest reason I’m better.

And therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.

I'm there with you, it's so painful. Do shadow work and look into IFS.

Same. I wonder the same thing myself. And it’s not fair.

I personally don't mind being turned 'mean'. Not 'mean' like joking about rape and racism mean, but 'mean' as in not being a pushover. I also tried my entire life to be nice and polite, but that behavior was (and is) coming from a place of deep shame and people pleasing, not genuine desire to be nice and help. So I am sort of letting those habits fall apart, while I try and fix myself, and once I am healthier I may try to be nicer, as long as it's not coming from that same fucked place. I gotta try not doing the 'nice' thing, because if I don't then I'll keep living in this narcissist-induced stupor that doing that is literally impossible.

I feel the same way. Sometimes I just think about it and wonder why the people who traumatized me get to have good lives while I'm poor and disabled. I believe in reincarnation so that helps keep me going thinking surely I'll have good life next time because I sure have paid my dues in this one.

I'm becoming meaner I think

Don’t be something you are not… you should obviously always push yourself, but to a degree that let’s others actively reach out to you too

Cause fuck em. 

Being kind to those who need is a rebellious act. If it wasn't, society would have already helped. So be kind to those who need it. Save the anger for those in the way.

Do you see value in people who are like you? I do, I think they’re awesome and I wish there were more considerate, kind people. If you see others’ value, turn it towards yourself if that’s who you are. I became mean and it doesn’t feel good. I’ve tempered it into indifference and isolation which is easier for me to deal with.

This is a great question. I’m struggling with this myself. I don’t want to be cynical and hateful, but the world is so fucking cruel. It’s awful

I had to sort of engineer my emotions through supplements like vitamin d3 and magnesium or k2 because I couldn't take it either and the second I became assertive I felt like shit and unlike myself, even if society sometimes demanded that of me. Now I try to believe not all people are like that and I am not quite a religious person but when I am more passive(almost always) I sometimes am able to be more thankful for the things that happened that day as opposed to when I am assertive. If it wasn't in my nature, then I would do a lot of things through supplements and vitamins to be able to protect myself from those nasty feelings.

Then again, something in me is literally unable to turn mean, it's in my character to be gentle with people and not make them upset even if I intensely hate them later. Basically distraction and supplements. Because I dislike being a "normal" person and almost every "assertive" remark which comes with it

I won’t let anger make me mean because I don’t be a part of the problem.theres already an abundance of assholes.keep spreading sunshine you never know who really needs it

Try to remember people who've done great, truly admirable things, who have put their time and effort and even lives on the line for unequivocally good ends. Remember that for every one of those assholes, there's a dozen overworked and underpaid nurses, volunteers, social workers, charity workers, and even brave journalists and activists and what have you.

They just don't get nearly as much attention, for various reasons.

Don't compare yourself to them, because everyone and what they can do is different, but try to be like them in the sense of being the change you want to be in the world. Maybe the next person who receives your kindness really needed it, just like you might really need it yourself. Maybe something you did that you didn't even think much about brightened someone's day.

And most of all, don't let it turn you mean because that isn't the sort of person you want to be.

Oof this topic extends so far out of cPTSD but I feel like the trauma gives us a lot of insight.

I can only speak for myself. I decided to start being almost too kind (the kind of person that would make a big donation to someone in need but make it anonymous so no one knows it’s me) because of how cruel and awful my parents were to me. It may sound weird but I felt for at least 10+ years that if I were nicer, then I could undo some of the “sin” my father and mother had bestowed on the world.

At first, it did NOT come natural. My inkling was to be the same way you say in the post— I’m the middle child of two children with disabilities, then I also get to be the one who’s verbally and physically abused by my father, then by my mother after he finds a new family. Then somehow I end up married to an alcoholic that is also verbally abusive. I know that everyone feels like they’re dealt a shitty hand, but I often felt like “when is enough enough?!”

All of this to say- I pushed back the inhumanity and the cold dark heart that had formed in me. I did it slowly but I kept just having faith that some day things would feel better. I am now 40, left my abusive marriage, and finally found a job I love and a partner that supports me. It’s the first healthy relationship I’ve had my whole life. I also didn’t have to be a shitty person to get the things I wanted so it feels even better.

Idk how to answer your question specifically other than to say karma can take its sweet time but it always catches up.

Hate animosity and bitterness has consumed me

How are you feeling today OP?

Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local emergency services, or use our list of crisis resources. For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the wiki. For those posting or replying, please view the etiquette guidelines.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Focus on healing yourself. Healing grants us mote compassion, both for ourselves and others.

Maybe volunteer in your community, it brings perspective.

I focus on the things I love. It helps because it also gets me to connect with people who are good for me (in a general sense, although I still have some issues with forming healthy bonds and trust).

It helps me realise that the world isn't a completely fucked up place and that I can create a version of me that I am proud of, within a community of people that can help support that.

In short, you have to learn to forgive. "Forgive," is defined as the ability to "stop feeling angry or resentful towards (someone) for an offence, flaw, or mistake." "Resent," is defined as "bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly." A lot of people have different ideas about achieving forgiveness. AA teaches that "resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else." AA teaches that "if you pray for the person or thing you resent you will be free." Personally, I began praying to my understanding of God/a higher power for the strength to forgive & my prayers were answered shortly thereafter. I was able to let go of resentment. However, forgiveness is a process that can last a lifetime. You might need to ask your higher power for the strength to forgive everyday for the rest of your life. Nevertheless, your prayers will be answered. Like any institution, AA & religion have problems, but they're still here for a reason. I suggest you develop a spiritual connection with a higher power if you haven't done so already & pray for the people you resent; pray for their health, happiness & prosperity; recognise their flaws & sicknesses; recognise your own flaws & sicknesses. Eventually, you'll let go of self pity & resentment because you'll realise that you're only hurting yourself by holding onto such things. I pray you can come to see resentment for the self harm it really is.