High functioning CPTSD

CPTSD Vent / Rant

https://www.grouporttherapy.com/blog/high-functioning-ptsd

Tw: Self harm/suicidal ideation

I have high functioning CPTSD and I hate it. Because everybody just sees me as a happy person with a good life. And I won’t lie, they have good reason to think so because that’s how I present myself in public.

I don’t have greasy hair or dirty clothes or drag my feet when I walk or cry in front of my friends.

But they don’t see the other me. They don’t see: -The pile of dishes I put outside on my balcony so they wont see the moldy plates when they visit. -The pile of dirty laundry hidden away in my closet - The days when I don’t move and inch, when I don’t eat and just watch netflix or sleep all day - The times I mindlessly scratch my arm until I get a wound - The times I have a meltdown and cry like a baby catching my breath - The times I hit myself over and ocer again until I get a blue bruise - The times I take a knife and draw red lines on my arm - the mothers day I carved the words ”mothers day” into my leg with a knife because I was so sad that I didn’t have a normal mother to celebrate with like everyone else -The scar on my thumb from me scratching it when I’m distressed and trying to act normal otherwise. I walk with a smile on my face and scratch my thumb to numb the pain. - The times I laughed maniacally in my home because my brain just breaks down and laughs - The time I bought 3 cases of paracetamol and dissolved the tablets in water to drink - The times I was in the psych ward overnight - All my psychologist appointments - How I never get really close to people - How I hurt people I love by being distant or acting out

They don’t see. They see me smiling and being positive and think I am fine. And when I tell them I am sad they think I’m lying just because I tell them with a smile on my face.

Then they see me distraughtly drawing lines on a paper with a dissociated expression and ask me if I’m fine. And I just laugh maniacally again because I’m not, but they didn’t believe me until I showed them. (this happened today with my social worker, she couldn’t understand why I was laughing)

I hate having high function CPTSD

in CPTSDby NationalNecessary120

91%

3mo

son_of_sammich

3mo

Yes I feel this too.

A lot of people think I'm laid back and easy going when I'm actually just in perpetual freeze/fawn

WhoIsTheBoogeyman

they/them

3mo

I get this.

I've been pretty functional most of my life, but it has been stressful as hell.

PC4uNme

3mo

I can definitely relate with the whole: looks are deceiving. I also appear ok, despite not being ok internally.

You have created a really good mask, it seems. Sometimes the mask over time becomes so distant from the changing truth that we ourselves start to see the absurdity in our maintaining of the mask.... Perhaps the mask needs an update - maybe it needs a fresh dose of authenticity? Then the absurdity won't bother you as much, leading to the maniacal laughter. This laughter seems similar to the irony approach (Nagel) to facing the absurd, vs the heroism approach, or the despair approach. (Camus)

https://philosophy.as.uky.edu/sites/default/files/The%20Absurd%20-%20Thomas%20Nagel.pdf

Also, TIL I have high functioning CPTSD. Thanks for the info.

Now I know why i'm all fucked up lately - I used to compartmentalize really well, but ever since i started therapy, there are no compartments, everything is all over the place.

Obvious_Flamingo3

2mo

I am high functioning too!

I don’t self harm but have been prone to near psychosis before. I also struggle with constant flashbacks and huge anger issues. Sometimes it’s a battle to even act normally

FelixUnger

2mo

The dishes and the thumb scar resonate hard. You’re not alone.

Littleputti

3mo

Yes I looked very high ficnitonjng and even to myself. Didn’t have so many of the signs even on my own that you had

AutoModerator

3mo

Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local emergency services, or use our list of crisis resources. For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the wiki. For those posting or replying, please view the etiquette guidelines.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.