1. Hyper-Vigilance: Growing up in a family where communication was often implicit rather than explicit, I learned to interpret facial expressions and nonverbal cues to gauge the emotional atmosphere.
  2. Toxic Shame: My daily battle revolves around an internalized sense of shame instilled by fear-based parenting. Humiliation was routine, leading me to believe I should minimize my presence. Criticism from my mother, especially about weight, fueled self-restriction and eventually, reckless spending habits in college.
  3. Deep Inadequacy: Years of feeling inferior, compared to a sibling who received preferential treatment, left me with a pervasive self-loathing. My family’s emphasis on conformity to a specific image stifled individuality and self-worth.
  4. Inner Rage: I possess a retaliatory streak when wounded, a defense mechanism learned from childhood experiences of dishonesty and emotional manipulation. My coping mechanisms include lashing out with whatever means necessary, often resorting to manipulation tactics.
  5. Unstable Identity: While self-aware, I struggle with a clear sense of identity, having been discouraged from pursuits that didn’t align with family expectations. Expressing dissent was met with dismissal, leading to uncertainty about personal beliefs and values.
  6. Relentless Anxiety: My decisions stem from a fear-driven mindset, constantly anticipating worst-case scenarios. Catastrophic thinking dominates my mental landscape, affecting my relationships and daily life with pervasive anxiety.
  7. Inability to Trust: Despite once being trusting and empathetic, repeated betrayals have led me to adopt a guarded demeanor, especially towards forming new relationships. Authority figures and close friends are met with skepticism, stemming from past experiences of betrayal.
  8. Compartmentalization: I excel at projecting a desired persona, adapting my behavior to garner acceptance and approval. Loyalty is paramount, but repeated betrayals result in swift detachment and scorched-earth responses.
  9. Lack of Boundaries: The absence of boundary-setting skills leaves me oscillating between passivity and selfishness. The fear of prioritizing oneself or being assertive engenders discomfort, leading to impulsive behavior and self-sabotage.

That's how I feel. Anyone else feel the same way?

Edit: I'm not trying to cause sad memories, I think facing up to the trauma is the only way to heal it, and I'm sure we'll be fine.