At no point have I suggested that OP not take care of her own needs first. She should absolutely not be Chloe's punching bag. OP would not be wrong to abandon Chloe and if OP doesn't feel she can hold Chloe to account, or if Chloe doesn't seek and maintain the help she needs, or if Chloe is violent to OP, or even if OP just gets overwhelmed, OP should definitely abandon Chloe.
I'm not suggesting that OP forgive or forget Chloe's manipulation.
I agree, Chloe isn't entitled to help.
But people can abruptly realise they are fucked up and need to change without first destroying all of their relationships with everyone who cared about them. Can Chloe? I don't know. It depends on whether she actually is remorseful. Maybe she isn't. But if she is, having a friend who demands better from her, who warns future partners and ensures they know that they'll be believed, etc, along with extensive personal work that Chloe has to do for herself, will help.
I'm not trying to suggest that OP can cure Chloe. OP absolutely should support Dan taking this matter to the police.
Chloe must get help, Chloe must face this as an awful thing she's been doing and agree to stop. If she does not repeatedly show behaviours that affirm her intent to stop them OP should make it well known that Chloe is dangerous and have nothing more to do with her.
However, if Chloe has realised that her behaviour needs to change, and has started taking steps on that path, she will need people to support her and hold her accountable.
People are not the worst thing they've done.
They need to be held responsible for the awful things they have done, but no one gets better without support. The only people who are imprisoned who get better and actually rehabilitate are those who get support from people on the outside who think they're better than their mistakes.
Chloe is absolutely a domestic abuser. Holding her responsible for her actions isn't achieved by having nothing more to do with her. The chances of Chloe becoming a better person without external support is much lower than with external support. OP wouldn't be wrong to have nothing more to do with her, but nor would she be wrong to support Chloe so long as Chloe is working to improve herself.
E) break up with both of them. If Lance wants to cheat he can find someone else. Tell Susie. Hope that she's willing to forgive you. Spend some time forgiving yourself. Optionally, explore relationship anarchy and/or open relationships instead.
Cheating on someone is devastating for them when they find out. Unless you are a cruel person, it will hurt you too when your loved one finds out about your betrayal. But not as much as it hurts them. Stop it. Susie (and Lance's girlfriend) both deserve better.
She's not hiding it anymore, and apparently she has recognised she has a problem and is making plans to address that problem. It appears that she told you voluntarily, which is a good indication that she's taking responsibility.
She's going to need external support to reach a point where she's better.
If you think she's redeemable, you would do her a world of good if you stayed friends with her, and encouraged her recovery. You're allowed to remain friends with her and insist on her working hard to stop drinking altogether and to work on her self control issues. Recovery isn't always linear. She will mess up, but having people around her insisting that she works on becoming a better person might stop her falling off the wagon and not bothering to try again. She probably can't be your best friend right now, but you're allowed to keep caring.
It would do Dan a world of good if you stayed friends with him, too (separately if that's what he needs). He's going to need support on his own recovery journey. He should leave her, for his own safety. Being the victim of domestic violence is an extremely isolating experience in part because of how embarrassing it is that you thought you wouldn't end up in a domesticity violent relationship. You knew you took precautions and vetted partners. It would never happen to you. And then it happens to you and you don't know how to react. Combine that with the fact then many men find it emasculating to be abused by a woman.
You won't be wrong if you cut her off. But you described her as your best friend so I want to argue on the side of at least giving her a chance to become better. But you don't have to give her infinite chances. Not even tens of chances.
This isn't okay. Clearly he's not capable, for whatever reason, of giving you the reassurance and support that you need. Your request isn't unreasonable. It's normal to want to be treated like an equal, and simultaneously receive the reassurance you seek. You're not lesser for having needs and asking for them to be met. That's great communication.
It's typical to want affection. It's typical to feel confident that you're not a bother. It's typical to want to feel safe expressing your emotions. It's typical of a healthy relationship that you feel safe expressing emotions. You're not the problem here.
There's no magic incantation we can give you that will make him care about you as an equal adult in your relationship. I'm sure you've tried every conversation permutation in asking him to. So the only question remaining is whether you can love yourself enough to find someone who does care about your needs being met? There are so many people who can love you better. You deserve better.
Tell your boss that you don't want her to be allowed to visit during her lunch time. He probably thought he was agreeing as a harmless favour to you. I'm sure he'll be fine to tell her that he's changed his mind.
You need to tell her, very bluntly, that she's too much and you're overwhelmed. For example, if he name is Becky, then during daylight hours in a private nook in a public place:
"Becky, please leave me alone. I don't want you to come to my work. Please stop asking me to drive you places. Please stop trying to spend time with me. I am getting overwhelmed. I'm not interested in dating you. I need way more space."
She will get upset. She might cry. But if she touches you "please don't touch me". Regardless, then leave. She can sort out her own theatrics. You are not obliged to comfort her and you should not. Block her phone number.
Stop saying yes to her. Say "I already told you to stop asking me to drive you. Please leave me alone" if she asks you for a ride. Walk away if she starts theatrics. Grey rock her when you encounter her in the neighbourhood. The grey rock technique is a solid way of being boring and non provocative, designed to work with narcissists. I'm not suggesting she's a narcissist but it's also a good way of surviving conversations with people who want to talk to you but you'd prefer to avoid.
If she continues to bother you, be more blunt. You can start here, but you said you didn't want to hurt her. "Becky, leave me alone. This is harassment. I'm not interested in you. I don't want to spend time with you. I would prefer to avoid you."
Tell her you'll escalate if she does not stop. Tell her colleague that you view her behaviour as harassment and it is a problem for you. If she still does not stop, tell her manager. I'm sure that business does well from the custom of your colleagues. Her manager will have an incentive to talk to Becky if she's upsetting customers. But you have to stop behaving as though it's possible that you welcome this behaviour. Hence saying no to her. Finally the police if social and economic pressure can't persuade her.
I recommend you do not provide a reason. As you say, he will just tell you that you're being childish. He's not going to take any reason you give seriously, so if you want to avoid hurting his feelings by telling him that his social ideology makes him a horrible person, don't tell him that.
Make it about you. "It's not you, it's me." Etc.
He doesn't have to agree in order for you to be broken up. Just tell him it's over. He's been great, supportive etc, but "it's over."
"It's just over" is a perfectly acceptable answer to "but tell me why". You don't owe him an explanation. Once you've said things are over you only owe him what civility you can manage.
If you break up with him, then it's none of your business who he flirts with.
Is it possible that the reason your wife is reluctant to offer you any form of non sexual intimacy because she is afraid that you will automatically see it as an invitation to sexual intimacy?
If that's possible, sit down with her and tell her that you're not going to ask for, or attempt to initiate sex at all for the next 3 months (for example) but that you'd really like it if she would make an effort to hold your hand, hug and cuddle you, "safe" from any pressure that doing so will let to sex.
During these 3 months, do your best to reconnect with your wife. Take her on dates to things you don't usually do. Go to the museum or arts gallery or the theatre, a concert, movies. Go for walks with her. Go to a dance class or arrange a double massage. Tell her all that she means to you. Ask her what affection she appreciates and do that, for example give her a kiss every morning when you wake up and a hug every evening when you get home.
Put your phone away and talk to her when she's cooking. Help her cook if your kitchen allows. Put on some music and dance with her while things cook. Discuss the allocation of chores. Make sure she feels comfortable with the child free time you both get. Change things up if she isn't.
Invite friends over for BBQs or dinners or to play cards or whatever the two of you like. Tell other people, in front of your wife, how wonderful she is.
If you're not sure you'll have enough things to talk about, do a search for "questions to fall in love". There's 30 excellent questions in those lists. Use them at conversational starters, take them seriously, try to spend at least 30 minutes on each question. Really listen to her answers.
Ask her about her financial goals. Share yours. Make financial goals as a family. Talk about your (individual and combined) future goals. Is there something she always wanted to do, but hasn't? Can you come up with ways to work towards achieving that? How about you? How is your bucket list going? Talk about your hopes and dreams, your fears etc.
If none of this helps, ask her to attend couples counselling.
Partnerships need regular tending, and it's easy to let them fall into disrepair. It's understandable that you might seek sex as reassurance and closeness, but if the emotional intimacy has fallen off, then partners who need emotional intimacy to enjoy sexual intimacy are going to find sexual intimacy a chore. So remove all pressure in that regard and you might find it easier to repair other things.
How long do you anticipate before you are no longer long distance? Are the things he's not following through on delaying when you'll no longer be long distance?
Even if he's the most amazing person in the world when you're together, that doesn't mean that you're compatible for a long distance relationship.
He doesn't have to agree to break up. Relationships are a two person yes, one person no thing. If you want to break up, break up. There are so many fabulous people.
There is no way to have this conversation and have it go well. If you can't love your girlfriend as she is, break up with her. If you ever cared for her, do not blame the breakup on her weight.
He can be the sweetest and most loving person ever, but if he doesn't follow through you're wasting your time. You do not need to wait until he learns how to follow through. You can cut your losses at any time.
You can end things at any time, just because you want to. You don't need his permission or agreement. You don't have to have something to point to you say "that's why". It's allowed to be "because I am not feeling it" or "I don't see a future".
He will never be happy with, or accepting of, your reason. He will never agree that a breakup is the logical solution. It will never be a good time unless he's breaking up with you.
So all times are equally good/equally bad.
Going on the trip and then breaking up afterwards, or bailing on the trip and breaking up sooner, both have their advantages and disadvantages. It's probably better to break up sooner.
When you find yourself worrying about this stuff, stop it. Remind yourself that your current girlfriend isn't either of your exes. Most people don't cheat. Your girlfriend hasn't done anything to make you distrust her. So remind yourself of these things. Remind yourself of how much you love her. Remind yourself of how much she loves you.
And finally, tell yourself that holding too tight does not help a relationship grow to what it can be. Both of you need space to grow. You both need space to make mistakes. The best you can do is hold a space for her in your heart and trust that she will keep choosing you just as you keep choosing her.
You can't stop someone from cheating on you by worrying about it, or by being controlling, or even by being perfect. If it happens it's going to be a massive betrayal no matter how kind and supportive you were. But being anxious all the time ruins wastes the opportunity of enjoying what you have right now. You reduce the likelihood of your lover cheating on you by prioritising communication, trust, care and prioritising them.
No, that's the correct response.
I know you're feeling pretty shit right now, but all breakups suck. Go for a run or eat a tub of ice cream or whatever else you do to get some dopamine. You did the hard, sucky thing that you wanted. You will both be fine
I'm sorry he was a shithead to you and hurt you. It is completely reasonable for you to feel hurt, humiliated and even shattered. Your feelings are valid.
You are not at fault for thinking better of him. He's been fabulous and supportive (and probably love bombing you) for the last month. Why wouldn't you want to double check that you hadn't misunderstood his aggressive (abusive) behaviour?
He is the one at fault. It's not hard to not call your partner derogatory names. It's not hard to say "I'm sorry, I know I just promised you that we'd go home to your place and talk things out, but I forgot that I wanted to drink with my buddies more than that." That would be a super shitty thing to say, but it is more honest than being dismissive and then abusive (again).
Lose this guy's details, block his number and avoid him. No one should be given the option to be abusive to you a third time. You deserve better.
Ultimately it really doesn't matter if she thinks badly of you. I know you'd prefer she didn't, but you're literally ending things with her. You're probably never going to see her again. You can admit that what you're doing is shitty and still let her down gently. But even if you don't, it's none of your business what she thinks of you.
"Thank you for a wonderful 3 weeks. I'm so glad I met you and I'll always treasure getting to know you. I was genuine when I admitted that I had developed feelings for you. I didn't want to admit it because I knew I'd be heading home so soon and I didn't think I could handle a long distance relationship. After I told you and you were also interested I wanted to believe that I could have a long distance thing. But I can't. The thought of loving you from afar when I can't see you nearly every day doesn't work for me. I know this is shitty. You are amazing. You're warm and funny and beautiful. I wish I could wait, but that's not how I am. I wish you a better future with someone who is local or who can be better at distance than me."
If you're not happy, break up. You've only been together for 4 months. If you're not still excited about each other now, that's not a good sign. You don't need a "good reason" but even if you do, "I'm not feeling it" is a perfectly good reason. He doesn't need to agree, you don't need his permission. You'll both hurt, but not for very long.
You deserve someone who can show you how important you are.
You're allowed to change your mind.. I'm certain she'll get over it. It would have been better to have at least called her, and maybe you still can, but it's only been a matter of days, so a text is enough.
Yes her feelings will be hurt, but they'll be hurt regardless.
Your girlfriend is allowed to be disappointed. You're allowed to refuse. You're both in the right. Her disappointment doesn't trump your right to choose who you have dinner with.
Fill your life with other things. Take up a hobby or three. Go to Meetup events for things you're interested in. Do it again and again. Talk to people. Take up a sport, join a choir, go to crafternoons. Go to galleries and local events. Do things out of the house with other people. If you meet with the same people regularly, you will make new friends. Go out with friends, go to parties. Enjoy being young.
Sit down with him and have a conversation about your financial goals, his financial goals and your combined financial goals. Discuss yours and his plans for achieving those. Discuss what plans you can make to allow you to achieve your mutual goals.
Then spend some time thinking about what he said. Do his plans seem realistic? It's nearly impossible to have a meaningful relationship with someone who refuses to accept reality. Do his plans work for you, are they in line with yours?
Money matters. If you aren't on the same page and can't get on the same page, then your relationship will always have challenges.
Look at Meetup events, I'm sure you can find things relevant to your interests for free or very low cost. Look up art galleries in your local area, there are probably more than you know about and they're often free to visit. Same with museums. Invite a friend and go walking with them. Visit nearby parks. Look at the "getting lost" and similar adventure games and buy a deck or make your own.
Take up a hobby. Have friends around for dinner. Deal with that pile of paperwork and odds and ends. Make a garden bed. Repaint the laundry.
Fill your time with things that make you happy and you'll still feeling like you're in limbo when he's not strong.
What things I(25F) could start doing to keep myself as busy as my bf(23M)?
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