How do I (40M) save my marriage with my wife (39F) before I lose my mind?

I (40M) have been married to my wife (39F) for 12 years and we have been together for 14 years. We have 2 kids (10M and 6F).

For the entire duration of our marriage, my wife has never once initiated sex. Not even one time. She has never once initiated even the smallest form of physical affection, whether it be a holding hands, putting her arms around me or even resting her head on my shoulder. On top of that she has barely spoken any words of affirmation, e.g. "I love you" without me initiating it first.

We currently have sex maybe once every 2 months. When it comes to sex, she has made it clear to me that she is NEVER going to initiate. I am expected to initiate EVERY SINGLE time. I have been rejected so many times, that I'm too scared to even try anymore. I honestly think if I were to stop initiating forever, we would never have sex again, and she would be absolutely fine with that.

When we do have sex, I focus entirely on her. She just lays there while I try to get her in the mood which can take a while and she does not reciprocate at all. There is no kissing and no passion. The good news is that almost every time I am able to bring her to orgasm and she seems to enjoy it in the end. I used to think she was asexual but clearly she enjoys it.

I do enjoy the rare sex that we do have but it always feel like I'm dragging an unwilling participant through the motions. I miss being swept up in the thrill and passion of it.

My wife is amazing in so many ways. She is faithful and loyal and looks after us. She is also absolutely beautiful in my eyes. But there is zero affection in our relationship and it is driving me crazy. I am so depressed that I can't sleep. I've tried to talk to her about this over and over again and nothing changes. She knows how hurt I am yet does nothing to even try.

I don't want to divorce but I constantly think about how much more I can go on like this. I feel so completely unloved. I would be thrilled if my wife just cuddled up to me or told me she loved me once in a while. I always have some hope in the back of my mind that one day she might just TRY but she never does.

I know about the love languages. My wife seems to show love through acts of service and gifts. I try to do the same. I do most of the housework, keep the house clean, etc. I try to listen for hints of things she wants and buy her those things. She's happy for the briefest of moments, but never expresses her love back to me in the way she knows I want. Even just a cuddle and a kiss.

I thought maybe my wife was no longer attracted to me anymore. But then I think back to when I proposed to her 13 years ago when I was in prime shape, had a full head of hair, etc. I feel like thats when the affection started to dry up. It felt almost like once we were set on the path of getting married, organizing a wedding, etc that she had what she wanted and didn't need to try anymore.

What do I do? Bringing this up with her seems to make things worse because its like I'm forcing her to give in. Long discussions where it feels like I'm guilting her into pity sexy is the absolute worst. I just want her to want me. How do I bring this up with her and try to fix our relationship? Or am I just doomed forever?

in relationship_adviceby ThrowRA-mrdone38

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Power_and_Science

She could be asexual. It doesn’t mean she can’t or doesn’t enjoy sexual pleasure. It just means her libido is extremely low: she doesn’t have the drive to have sex.

That shouldn’t prevent romantic affection, which she isn’t doing either.

Sounds like she isn’t that interested in you and married you for perhaps security rather than interest. Or something else.

Either way, the lack of communication is the cause of your marriage failure, not simply the lack of affection. And that means divorce may be the only way because it looks unfixable in the current state. I’ve seen other posts where the wife suddenly woke up that the husband was serious about communication only after being served divorce papers. Divorce still went through because the damage was far done, but at least the guy got closure and some understanding.

lookthepenguins

But there is zero affection in our relationship and it is driving me crazy. I am so depressed that I can't sleep. I've tried to talk to her about this over and over again and nothing changes. She knows how hurt I am yet does nothing to even try. I feel like thats when the affection started to dry up. It felt almost like once we were set on the path of getting married, organizing a wedding, etc that she had what she wanted and didn't need to try anymore.

Yup, she got the safe guy who loved her, so she married him to have kids with. :(

What do I do?

If you don’t want to spend ALL YOUR LIFE in this loveless passionless situation, bite the bullet and end the marriage, free yourself to find a happy life you deserve with someone who loves you and cares about you. Nothing else for it, no amount of “talking” or counselling or therapy will change her feelings. :(

refrigerator-number

Wait... being asexual doesn't mean not enjoying sex. Being asexual means having no desire for sex. Just like being sexual doesn't mean you'll enjoy sex (say you have a medical problem). Anyways agreed that lack of communication it's the problem, not lack of affection. Try counseling?

There are probably many things at play, don't just jump at "She gets what she wants marriage but I don't get what I want"

Here's a piece, and I don't know if it is yours. Again many things at play, comfort that comes from the status quo from your wife, resentment on your part.

I'm just sharing my experience, hoping you can get something from it, and at the same time, without the pretence that this will be of any help

I think I would do good without having sex for the rest of my life. And I'm sure that if I didn't make it a priority I would just forget I'm attracted to my bf. I try everyday to set up a time to remind myself of the reason why my boyfriend is attractive, find a body part I like about him. Because otherwise I would just not feel it. I've lived quite comfortably 20 years without having any interest in the opposite sex, real or fictional. Why do this then? Because I love my bf and I know this is important for him and even if sex is a weird concept to me, I would still want to lay the groundwork for it to happen.

I'm still having great problems initiating sex. Because, and I told my bf so, I don't think he finds me attractive. He tells me he fucks me isn't that enough to prove it? Well a boy wanting sex, even enjoying sex says nothing about the fact he wants sex with me. He tells his dating me isn't that enough? People date for many reason and again a boy dating doesn't mean he wants to date me. But he wants me as wife and mother of his children isn't that enough? That tells me he finds me a good person not that he finds me attractive. But he takes me out on dates, brings me gifts,takes my hand, cuddles me, kisses me, texts me promptly isn't that enough? All of that means he's good bf, not that he is attracted to me. What is it then? He gives me compliments when we have sex. It's the long stares, it's the gasps, it's the compliments he freely gives to other women who never had to get naked, who never asked for it, in broad daylight with his friends. All things he never does with me. That's what makes me feel he doesn't find me attractive. That's what's still making sex difficult.

And there have been many discussions that to me felt like begging him for pity compliments, like I was stressing him out, like I was forcing him to parrot a script I gave him. And yet for us it was necessary. The truth is that after two, three years my bf isn't even used to giving me compliments, let alone staring longingly at me or gasping when he sees me. And at the start he just read a script, just to familiarize himself with the words aand the actions to do and yes at the start it was just weird and robotic and it felt like like pity, and it was so for a long time before he was able to say and do so naturally throughout the day. And yes, there was a lot of pride I had to let go, to ask explictly what I wanted, how I wanted it, I had this notion that it shouldn't be so difficult to get, but it was, it definetely was for my bf. I also had to learn how to appreciate a boy that may not just naturally act and do things how I would like, and how at the time I thought I deserved, but is willing to try and work out the details with me if I am humble enough to ask, even ask with many details what I want.

thunderchicken_1

You tell her if she isn’t willing to put in the work and make an effort to build a marriage with an intimate physical connection you are going to leave. I mean individual therapy for her and marriage counseling. Set a deadline and then leave if she doesn’t act. Or stop complaining about it because she’s not interested. You agreed to monogamy not celibacy.

Equivalent-Board206

Is it possible that the reason your wife is reluctant to offer you any form of non sexual intimacy because she is afraid that you will automatically see it as an invitation to sexual intimacy?

If that's possible, sit down with her and tell her that you're not going to ask for, or attempt to initiate sex at all for the next 3 months (for example) but that you'd really like it if she would make an effort to hold your hand, hug and cuddle you, "safe" from any pressure that doing so will let to sex.

During these 3 months, do your best to reconnect with your wife. Take her on dates to things you don't usually do. Go to the museum or arts gallery or the theatre, a concert, movies. Go for walks with her. Go to a dance class or arrange a double massage. Tell her all that she means to you. Ask her what affection she appreciates and do that, for example give her a kiss every morning when you wake up and a hug every evening when you get home.

Put your phone away and talk to her when she's cooking. Help her cook if your kitchen allows. Put on some music and dance with her while things cook. Discuss the allocation of chores. Make sure she feels comfortable with the child free time you both get. Change things up if she isn't.

Invite friends over for BBQs or dinners or to play cards or whatever the two of you like. Tell other people, in front of your wife, how wonderful she is.

If you're not sure you'll have enough things to talk about, do a search for "questions to fall in love". There's 30 excellent questions in those lists. Use them at conversational starters, take them seriously, try to spend at least 30 minutes on each question. Really listen to her answers.

Ask her about her financial goals. Share yours. Make financial goals as a family. Talk about your (individual and combined) future goals. Is there something she always wanted to do, but hasn't? Can you come up with ways to work towards achieving that? How about you? How is your bucket list going? Talk about your hopes and dreams, your fears etc.

If none of this helps, ask her to attend couples counselling.

Partnerships need regular tending, and it's easy to let them fall into disrepair. It's understandable that you might seek sex as reassurance and closeness, but if the emotional intimacy has fallen off, then partners who need emotional intimacy to enjoy sexual intimacy are going to find sexual intimacy a chore. So remove all pressure in that regard and you might find it easier to repair other things.

Pixatron32

I'd recommend relationship counselling and preferably a relationship therapist who is experienced in attachment styles, EFT or Imago therapies, and sex therapy.

This isn't a healthy way to continue a relationship or marriage and it isn't healthy for you and your children (you mentioned she "cares for us" so I assumed).

However, it sounds like you may have differing perceptions or ideals of what a relationship should look like. I know with my partner, coming from a chaotic home, that I never would have imagined what we have now. It took me years to learn to stop finding problems to prevent the end of our relationship (which ironically was nearly the cause of it ending). My partner and I have both engaged in individual and relationship therapy.

What I'm trying to say is, she may think this is what marriage looks like without knowing that it can be different, and that you need it to be different. She may not know how to give affection or show love to you without it leading to physical sex as this may be something she is uncomfortable to have more regularly.

While you've looked into love languages, it does seem to you are assuming what hers are. Why not do the quiz together online or read the book together and chat openly about what makes you feel loved?

Best of luck to you

datingThrow0923840

Some women have no libido. Sounds like you married one of them. Not much to do, you could encourage her to workout, get bloodwork done, express to her how important it is that you have a sex life. Does she not want to see you happy?

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