I know the feeling well. I was sure of it throughout my childhood. Now I am 46. Life is full of surprises. Some of them are actually good.

Yes, with IFS. What you experienced sounds pretty much like you did IFS with yourself.

In IFS the human mind consist of a variety of parts. Self, protectors and exiles. Due to trauma parts can get "stuck in time" and pushed out of our awareness. Those are the exiles.
It sounds like your Self was able to connect to this exile, the exile shared its feelings, and Self felt what it needed and soothed it with love for the first time. This is major progress imo. Congratulations!

Validate the underlying emotion (the fear of a predator) AND stick with your perception of reality (gently).

Try to maintain healthy boundaries. It will be good for both of you.

Good instincts on not wanting the role she is trying to recruit you for. IME these are polarized parts. A recruiter and a distruster (the mad part). Both are trying to protect young vulnerable parts.

Doc Snipes, Patrick Teahan, Forrest Hanson on youtube.

And Self Therapy by Jay Earley, A step by step Guide to creating wholeness and healing the inner child using IFS.

Additional books about IFS: "No bad parts" and "You are the one you've been waiting for" by Richard Schwartz.

All those sources work exceptionally well for me and I consider them to offer high quality information. I have used them and the knowledge they provide for up to 2 years and it has improved my health significantly.

I dont think you traumatized your SO. I think your SO is giving you genuine validation for how bad it really was. Hug him. Often. Thats good for both of you. Give yourself and him time to integrate this.

No. I would suspect the person is still stuck deep in trauma and trying to fulfill their fixer fantasies. Beyond that I am pretty sure the person is unaware how diverse different cases and different people are, otherwise they wouldnt think they can guide random people on their healing journey from CPTSD just because they supposedly "recovered" from their CPTSD. Considering that they want money... the picture becomes even more clear.

I dont know if its driven by incompetence, self interest or both, either way its a ticket to retraumatization.

Aye. Like you pretty much.

I am a brain. Heavily identified with that during childhood. Had a self-neglective relationship with my body, sometimes even abusive. Was completely unaware. Now working on reconnecting. Have intense chronic body armoring in upper back, shoulders and chest. I call this part "my wings". I think this a flight type response thats trying to cognitively bypass emotions. And I dont care about genders, never have. Aside from very real physiological differences, the entire gender thing in society is so burdoned by out-dated opinions and traditions that I cannot relate, nor do I want to. I can call myself afab nb asexual and aromatic, but those terms are younger then I am, so I dont really identify with that either.

I had a really weird core believe, that you might share, I used to think my mind is more important than my body. So it was mind over body. Once I realized I had that, I also realized that this was out of order and was causing problems in my life. So I readjusted my internal priorities. Mind and body are now equally important, and I live accordingly. Lots of changes in self care. Better nutrition and sleep hygiene. Exercise. Relax time. And more.
For integration of this concept, look up videos that talk about how body and mind are connected and are actually one system. It makes so much sense. (This change has been extremely successful.)

For reconnecting to the body. Anything that you will do. Breath work, yoga, yoga-nidra, qi gong, tai chi, progressive muscle relaxation (especially for the pauldrons, but its nice in general), dancing, exercise, sauna, massage, singing, humming, cozy clothes, weighted blanket, hugging yourself, showering/bathing, fapping/sex. Feel your body. Love your body. (Solid changes in this area, but I think its gonna be slow process and I still have far to go.)

Not working on the gender thing. I dont know what to do with that so far. It feels like me. But this might also still be obscured by a variety of unresolved issues. I will see how my views and needs develop over time.

lol I am right there with you. When one had to live with fear of getting murdered by a parent throughout childhood, normal people problems feel ridiculous. Especially when they mistakenly mention the word trauma in that context.

Regarding normalcy. I felt the disconnect. Its crushing.

I am working on that. Basically trying to integrate the knowledge that I am normal and always was. My life was not. Thats what feels like disconnect, the difference in life experience.

Regarding developing a sense of belonging to the group. Right now you are looking at the things in there that show you that you are different. Try to look out for things in there that show you that you are not different. Find similarities. Basically look for evidence that your feeling of being an outsider isnt true.

Just a side thought: "The one about a month ago was how a woman had a fight with a close family member and how it was incredibly "traumatic" to them."
In theory that person could have an traumatic past and they might be mentioning how traumatic the current event was because it triggered underlying trauma.

In my autistic bluntness I might have asked them if they have childhood or relationship trauma. (Not necessarily a great question to ask neurotypicals IME, they tend to get so defensive. But I feel it would have been a fair question to ask if somebody yaps about having trauma after one difficult conversation.)

I second IFS as powerful tool for this. Here is a book called Self Therapy by Jay Earley. Its a step by step guide to creating wholeness and healing the inner child using IFS.

OP, you could even do this while staying with your current therapist. Maybe get an IFS therapist later when you need assistance with especially challenging parts.

You are not alone. I have ruminated a lot about how to establish my boundaries. Primarily regarding my BPD brother. Its become a bit better since he now at least understands the concept of boundaries. Still hard sometimes to get through all the defensive mechanisms when I talk to him though. Whenever the topic becomes mildy challenging for him he morphs into a walking and talking defense mechanism. Its challening, and I say that as a 46 year old.

How about saying: Mom, when you do X it makes me feel hurt. Please stop doing X.

Dont even mention being triggered. Thats your buisness and private. Then she cant gaslight you about it.
It sounds like she used the word trigger to invalidate you a lot, thats why I suggest to drop the word from your vocabulary around her.

FYI, your mom reacts like she does because she gets triggered by being called out (abandonment anxiety). And she doesnt notice that but switches into a very similar defensive mode as my brother. Like trying to rationalize the perceived problem away while not addressing the real problem. In that state, they arent rational. They can appear so, but subconsciously major level shit is going down. (None of this is an excuse, just mentioning because I find it helps to understand whats going on. Its dysregulation.)

I dont usually get triggerd by the word trigger, but if somebody uses it as a weapon against me, yes, that would trigger me too. Any behavior like that generally reminds me of my NPD(&BPD) dad.

Yep, sleep and nutrition are important to regulate the nervous system. There is more you can do for it, if you want. You can find lot of advice online. Its good stuff, makes us more balanced.

I think its necessary to do it regularly to slowly retrain your mind. I am no expert though. I do find it helpful for myself.

Yes, I do. Had a terrible relationship from 22 til 33. I had a lot of time to process this:

I have a part that is extremely shameful about this. It feels guilty for not having protected me well enough. Thats a fair point, I didnt protect myself but well enough, but why did this happen? Because of how my life was before that, and that part was not my fault at all. To make the right decisions back then I would have to had to be super human, like instantly healing from my childhood trauma and learning all the stuff that my parents didnt teach me. It was impossible to make the right decision, I simply did not know enough and it is okay.

The impact that this had on me is still rather sad, but I dont struggle with the guilt so much anymore. It happened and it is as it is. We all make mistakes. I can only do better now and thats what I focus on.

Try progressive muscle relaxation. You can use it to retrain your perception of relaxed and tense states.

Yes he doesnt care. He hasnt really changed his unheathy behavior in 12 years, still blames everything on you and lies to you in front of the therapist. He is gaslighting you. Get out and start the rest of your life. Its gonna be better than this one sided relationship.

I know in my own way how difficult it can be to see it. Its really there. You are right about the things you mentioned. Its not okay, and not how it should be. A partner who cares would not treat you like this.

You need to take care of yourself.

You might find "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft a helpful read. Please know that its not going to be a pleasant read. But it might show you that your partner is creating the emotions that you struggle with by how he treats you.

IFS for me.

Internalizing the concept that I am good enough no matter what I do. Since birth. By definition. As baby, as toddler, as kid, as teen, and in all the decades after. I was always good enough.

The old believe that I held, it was what I was taught and believed but it wasnt true and I never believed that about other people. For example I dont think I am better human then others just because I have a degree, that would be absurd. If anyone needed to do better it was my parents, not me. They were the ones that were not good enough (as parents).

I am still working on that so I had to figure out something else to pacify the perfectionist. My perfectionist is a very cognitive part, so I tried simple logic. I started to talk to it about efficiency. If it likes it. It does. If it understands that a high perfection always means a low efficiency. It does and this can regulate my perfectionist. This now works as quick and easy regulation whenever I catch my perfectionist making my life harder than necessary. I gently remind it that we are becoming inefficient. Or that we need to chill out at times to remain healthy and be able to feel good. Every time I do this I strengthen this new concept of balancing perfectionism, efficiency and my wellbeing. Its working well for me.

Sounds like you already do self care. Try to make sure you get enough chill down time, its so good for the nervous system. Or play with the puppy. Thats self care too. Do stuff that makes you happy and/or feels good.

For work, how about slowly adjusting to a more reasonable pace? That will make the transition emotionally easier, and might reduce the anxiety about it. I find gradual shifts are a lot less disruptive for our minds than drastic changes.

"Yesterday, my therapist suggested we try a different modality for my trauma because she feels I'm not making as much progress as I should for how long I've been in therapy."

Its so easy to express that in a positive way, why didnt she? I am not a therapist, and still I know to say this instead: "Are you open to try this other modality? I think it might work better for you than what we have been doing so far."

What she said makes me angry, it puts the burdon on you. Blaming you for not doing as good as she feels you should. Like abusers do. Very bad behavior for a therapist. Not surprising that your nervous system switched you into fawn mode, your mind probably recognized the behavior pattern as abusive.
She sounds like a fixer, and she makes you responsible for allowing her to fix you. Thats not healthy if its true. She should support you in your healing work. And she should not try to force you to do her bidding by blaming you for not recovering as fast as she needs you to. Your therapy is for your needs, not for hers.

Beyond that:
It sounds like she is a therapist who leads. Is this a way that is generally agreeable with you? Maybe you need a therapist who works on eye to eye level with you or one that allows you to lead.
(I find it impossible to work with people who lead, it reminds me too much of the past and triggers a wide variety of defensive mechanisms.)

I think you both carry your share of responsibilities here. I mostly see yours in asserting your boundaries in several of the situations you mention, which is btw super normal for pwCPTSD. I dont blame you for it, it takes time to learn. I am doing the very same.
But hers... she has a professional responsibility to treat you in healthy ways so you can form a healthy therapeutic realtionship with her. Not listening to you and blaming you for not progressing as fast as she wants you to makes it infinitely harder to develop a secure attachment. You need the opposite, somebody who makes it possible to securely attach to them by treating you in healthy ways and showing that they are trustworthy.

TLDR: Next therapist. Your current one behaves too unhealthy. She is not fostering secure attachment and I think she may be triggering you because deep down your mind notices that she isnt treating you right.

This is awesome! Progress!

You guys have a great therapeutic relationship. She empathized and you were able to co-regulate and empathize with yourself for the first time. Developing self compassion is a huge step forward. You should be proud of yourself. I am. :)

Oh yeah that happens. I think its normal. I mean it was normal for our minds to use that maladaptive coping mechanism. The mechanism had a specific use, that it suits really well. I think it helps if we can replace the maladaptive cope with one or more adaptive copes. But its not easy to figure out how to do that, so mistakes will be made. Its okay. Keep trying to find better copium. You got this!

Definitely has happened to me that I tried to ditch a habbit and it came back like a boomerang. Or that I usually cope different but sometimes the old maladaptive cope perks up. Or I catch myself slacking on the good cope, which gives me the chance to decide if I really wanna treat myself like that.
I think its important to not judge ourselves when that happens, its normal. We are learning to rewire our brain. Its not gonna happen over night. Its repetition after repetition. Slowly changing more over time. Mistakes are fine, we all make them, just keep learning and trying.

Considering that therapy isnt an easy option right now, have you looked into IFS? Maybe you'll like it. Here is a link to the book Self Therapy. Its a step by step guide on creating wholeness and healing the inner child using IFS.

I use DBT and IFS. I use DBT primarily for managment of BPD symptoms and countering the effects that BPD has on my mind. IFS is for all the deep shit and balancing my mind in a more comprehensive way than DBT already does.

I think bot modalities are somewhat replacable with each other since both address cognitive and emotional things, but I personally can get extremely dysregulated. I have no access to Self energy then, so IFS is not an easy fix at that time. DBT is always accessible and as such an invaluable tool in crisis for me.
Whenever I am not having some kind of episode (which is most of the time), I prefer IFS. I like the higher level of complexity and inclusivity. The aspect of treating my parts like I deserved to be treated in childhood is powerful.

Pretty much the same minus the SIs, with a slightly improved ability to feel hope.

Your therapist may be right but she may also be wrong. None of us know your future.

Why do I say that? Because I had 30+ years of chronic SIs and havent had them in 2 years. That part of me still exists, but its currently in a state in which it would only activate if I had a terminal illness and the level of suffering would be unbearable. Since this is not the case the part is inactive for now. I rarely think about it, unless I comment on a post about SIs. And even then, I just convey my thanks to the part. I value its help, it gave me hope when I had none and it kept me alive like that.

While I am not one of them, I am sure some pwCPTSD arent suicidal and never were. It depends on the situation and how the mind reacts to it.
In my case it made total sense to develop SIs, but I can see that if the situation had been less bad in one or two ways it might have never been necessary. Either way the situation wasnt my fault. And having SIs was a brilliant way of my mind to compensate my parents inabilities.

Savage comeback. I like it. I'll add it to my repertoire. Only had a stoic: "Forgiveness isnt applicable in my case. You might want to look into radical acceptance."

What a betrayal. I am angry for you. Its a lie to say forgiveness is required. Acceptance of reality and grieving is necessary.

If you want to keep working with her you might want to encourage her to look into radical acceptance. I find that works better when forgiveness is not applicable. You already got that down, but its a good way to introduce her to the concept.

Its possible that she thinks this is the next necessary step because thats what she was taught. It doesnt excuse her behavior. She should have known because she knows your situation, but it might explain it.

Might be good to talk about it with her. See how she reacts. It might show you if you want to continue working with her.

Which part was condescending/gaslighting?

The fact check? Letting you know I think you are projecting? Or suggesting to blame your current emotions on the person who is responsible for your trauma around this topic?

You are doing great. We can use the weirdest shit in good ways. Like using my fear of becoming like my parents to find my maladaptive behaviors and change them.