It’s a 1985 tv movie called “Right to Kill?” and I discovered it was on YouTube.

I’ve told the story before about watching that movie with my family. The WHOLE THING (minus the felonies) was my family. I kept looking at my mom, dad, brother but NO ONE was reacting at all. Seriously, ABC was telling the world what was happening in my house was abuse but my family wasn’t getting it.

Once I realized it was on YouTube, I debated watching it. I don’t remember a lot about my abuse and really don’t want to at this point. But I started getting anxious about maybe getting anxious, so I decided to just get it over with. My SO watched with me.

Honestly, it didn’t affect me at all (except what a…not great movie it is). I was absolutely unmoved by the scenes of abuse that mirrored my own. I actually said to my SO “that was just Tuesday.” When the dad threw the plates, I told my SO my dad threw so many pieces of my Grandma’s china, we only used paper plates on holidays. As I’m writing this, I’m feeling nothing about it…other than, “yeah, that happened.”

What I did not know was my SO was seriously affected. He told me last night that he’d struggled for days with what he saw, knowing “that happened to anyone, much less the woman I love”. He told me how angry it made him and how fortunate my abusers were already gone. He has been so ridiculously supportive.

But I feel terrible. It’s like he’s feeling the anger and pain I can’t. But it isn’t his to feel, and I feel like I just traumatized him by sharing my childhood.