Question about spouses that trigger you .... what does a healthy relationship response look like?
My husband and I are going through a LOT of dysfunction right now. I'm going back and forth of whether we need to separate or not. Keep trying to find reasons to stay while the reasons to leave are obvious. But also trying to keep a sane head about it.
One of the biggest issues is that my husband gets pretty angry. But for the most part he keeps it in. But I can tell by his body language, eye contact or lack there of and just general temperament that he's angry about something whether it's about me, the kids, work, someone else, etc. In the beginning of our relationship he would blow up and criticize, 10 years later now - he keeps it in until I bring something up that I'm upset about. Which I hardly ever do bc I'm so worried about upsetting him. But I've been working on speaking up for the health of our relationship. (I'm still met with either anger, deflecting or reasons why I shouldn't be upset, but I atleast am working on doing my part by being open and honest in a calm manner.)
When he is upset, I ask him what's wrong if there's anything I can do and he says nothing's wrong, everything's great. Which I know is a lie.
Anyways -- I grew up with a very explosive, alcoholic dad and it effected my nervous system, of course. I would freeze or hide and get very unsettled and anxious inside or full-on panic. I did not grow up feeling safe in my home or around anyone else, for a variety of reasons. I've been in therapy the last couple years for panic attacks and finally began uncovering things and working on my responses to things.
We are now in couples therapy and it was brought up yesterday. I had mentioned that he seemed really angry about something the week prior and didn't feel that he would look at me for days on end and hide in his room after work. It, of course, messed with my head even though I'm working on not internalizing it anymore, it's still unsettling to live with someone in that state. The psych asked where that response comes from and I said most likely from my childhood with my dad. My husband responded saying he wasn't angry and he did give me eye contact and doesn't know what I'm talking about.
But after therapy, when we were talking in the car he mentioned that he is really stressed and overwhelmed. Then said that he doesn't think it's fair to compare him to my dad. I said I'm not comparing, I was answering the question. It's what formed my nervous system response and it doesn't matter if it's you or someone else I'd be in a close relationship with or living with - I would have the same response. He said he's allowed to have human emotions and that it sucks for me that I have this anxiety, but it's not his fault. He said it's just something I need to deal with.
In my opinion, this isn't a response from a life-partner you can feel safe with. I am 33f and he is 49m. We have been together 12 years and I've just come out of the fog 1 year ago. In my head, we aren't good together. But when I talk to him, I leave feeling I'm an oversensitive, crazy person. And it's so confusing to me. I don't want to make an emotional decision. And I want to have hope that maybe things will change between us. But when I talk about a significant trigger of anger, and I'm responded to by saying he's allowed to have those emotions and I need to just deal with it...I just feel there's something missing there. I agree he's allowed to have emotions. But...shouldn't your partner care they are affecting you and try to work on a solution together?