For those friends who await us at the Rainbow Bridge

Pet owners, as loving, caring people, often have strong, experience-based opinions on pet care practices. Some of these are controversial. Often, there are valid points to be made on both sides of an argument. But this is not a forum for debate, nor is it a place to scold a contributor for a perceived mistake in managing their pet. People who come here are grieving, often with feelings of guilt or self-blame for their beloved pet’s passing. We intend to provide a safe haven of understanding, support and an occasional word or two of wisdom.

Strident, mean-spirited posts or comments will be deleted and the user will be banned permanently. Those who persist in preaching versus caring may be warned and then banned or may be banned permanently based on nature of the topic. If a conversational thread meanders into a discussion unrelated to pet loss support, it will be truncated.

If this sounds strict, it is because those who post here are vulnerable and hurting. They are sharing intimate feelings with strangers. In such a case, even a minor slap has a hard sting. No one who is already suffering immense pain deserves that.

Those of us who are lucky enough to be able to turn away from our computers or put down our phones and hug a healthy, happy pet are truly blessed. Surely we have within us the capacity to share our love with bereaved participants in this forum, even if we disagree with something they have said.

Stormy was my first cat and I love her so damn much. Last month she got diagnosed with Lymphoma and she's lots nearly a third of her body weight since then. All of her attempts at eating have resulting in vomit and diarrhea.

I know logically that this is the right decision, but this really sucks. I'd be happy with any advice if people have any.

Maybe if we never euthanized him he would have gotten better and been with us today, what if a miracle was supposed to happen but he was taken away first. He didn't even know he was going to die, he didn't want to, he expected to come home like always after going to the vet, no one told him and then he was gone.

I had a 5.5 year old white German Shepherd. One night I came home from work and he was not eating, the next day he still hadn’t eaten anything. Later that night his neck and face were incredibly swollen so I rushed him to the emergency vet. The vet sedated him and examined his throat and showed me that his tonsils were the size of golf balls. They also ultrasound and aspirated his swollen neck but nothing was shown. They sent me home with antibiotics and anti inflammatory saying that if it does not get better that it could be an abscess due to a foreign body such as a fox tail weed which we do have in our yard or an allergic reaction and we should plan CT/Exploratory surgery and told me it could be around 3k for those before treatment and stay. The diagnosis at the time was majority cellulitis.

During the course of his medicine he improved greatly. His facial swelling went down, he started acting normal, eating as usual, but his throat swelling was still present.

After the medicine was finished he was still good until 2 days later his eyes looked a little red. I planned on going to a standard vet that was 2 days out because he was still playing, eating, etc. The next day I came home and his eyes were half red and looked to be filled with blood. I was freaking out and noticed he was, what I thought at the time lethargic and also not eating again.

I brought him back to the emergency vet (about a week after initial visit) and as soon as I walked in they told me he was blind (bilateral hyphema) and my heart sank, I could only think if I brought him in the previous day then maybe his vision could’ve been saved as he could see 24 hours prior. Shortly after telling me that, the vet immediately told me it doesn’t look good. He had a fever of 105.9 and the swelling in his neck was firm as a rock. She first said it could very well be cancer. The inflammation was so bad it caused the bleeding in his eyes. She then told me they couldn’t do anything because they didn’t have a CT machine there but decided to x ray him anyway. Nothing showed up.

After the x ray the vet just looked at me. She told me that she read in my report that I couldn’t really afford a CT scan and the future surgery and that she could prescribe me another round of medicine to give it one last shot and to think about “quality of life” during that week. I immediately knew what that meant and I lost it. Man in his 30s crying for the first time in a while in front of all these people. She then proceeded to tell me that “It would be an alright choice to put him to sleep now.”

It was a blur, she kind of just guided me in there and it started happening, placing IV etc... Honestly I can’t even remember if I said anything or shook my head a certain way to result in this but I went along anyway thinking is was the right thing. Anyway, 30 minutes later he was peacefully, permanently, asleep in my arm. Then I just walked out with his collar that I came in with and left him. My shirt covered in his hair and slobber…

I feel an incredible amount of guilt. He was purely innocent and so happy. Playing ball with me not even 24 hours prior. It was true I didn’t have money to pays for the thousands in vet bills. I have a stay at home wife and a 1 year old and 3 year old boy and didn’t have the type of money I had prior to all of that… but the thing is I had him first and he didn’t ask for any of this. Looking back I should have sold my car and took a bus to work or something to just try the CT. I cannot believe I let him go so easily.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. I guess I think that someone should know what I’ve done.

Sorry.

The loss of a pet is so difficult to explain to others. The bond that you have with your dog/cat. It is so unique and special and it’s very difficult for somebody else to understand.

He made me the happiest. Just his presence. Our bond felt like it transcends this world, time, everything. It was magical.

I couldn’t save him in time. I was stupid, careless, whatever it might be. I couldn’t. I didn’t think he would die, I didn’t think it could be so serious.

Now there’s nothing I can do except accept that he’s gone. But the beautiful memories I had with him. His beautiful face. His playfulness. They’re all I have.

I hope I can meet him again, and get to spend forever with him. In a better place. In a better world.

Our sweet senior kitty had an aggressive cancer in his anal gland and his tumor made it impossible for him to poop. He stopped eating and drinking. He was bleeding puddles whenever he unsuccessfully tried to use his litter box. He had an unsuccessful surgery 6 days ago. It all went down in the course of just a month, and I’m just in total shock. He was perfectly fine until late April.

Deep down I know there was just no way to save him, but I feel an immense amount of guilt about taking away his life. I can’t help but think of the “what if”, even though I also know there was no other choice but to take his pain away. Today was beautiful out and all I could think of was that he should’ve been basking in the sun on our windowsill right now, and I took that from him.

We put him down about 24 hours ago and I can’t stop crying. I feel so guilty for deciding to end his life. How do I cope with this? Why do I feel such regret? Any comforting words are so much appreciated ❤️ I am heartbroken.

If you lost your pet young, do you ever have the feeling that your baby just wasn’t intended to be on Earth long?

I lost my sweet Boston Terrier, Marlin, a couple of months ago at only 2 years old. It was a freak accident- he was poisoned by a plant that we don’t even have.

He was always different. He was never quite “right”. Not in a bad way- he was perfect for us and those qualities made him even more endearing- but he wasn’t dog-like. He was needier, more attached. I don’t know how to explain it. But he was special, and I’ve never experienced a loss that hit me like his has.

As I’ve been processing, I’ve realized that I was always more anxious about him. Any time the smallest thing would happen, it was like a sense of impending doom. Like when he tripped down our stairs, or got into a fight with a squirrel, or whatever- it always felt like “it”. I realize now that I would say things like, “If something ever happens to Marlin, I won’t survive it.” I love my other dog beyond measure too, but I’ve never had that sense with him, never said those kind of things about him. I guess Marlin just never had that resilient feeling that my other pets have had? It’s almost like I was preparing myself emotionally to say goodbye.

Anyway, I’m wondering now if I somehow just “knew” that Marlin wasn’t destined to be with us for long. I’m not religious or spiritual, I don’t think “everything happens for a reason”, I don’t know if I’m just subconsciously convincing myself that he wasn’t going to be here long to make myself feel better in some way… he had a wonderful, amazing 2 years, and I do find some sense of peace knowing that he only knew love.

Has anyone else had this kind of sense that maybe their pet’s energy just wasn’t supposed to be in their earthly bodies for long? I feel like Marlin was just too sweet, too innocent, too perfect for this mess of a place. Am I just looking for any kind of reason that my baby was taken from me like this? Or is it possible that Marlin was only destined for two years, and we’re lucky those two years were ours?

It’s been almost a year. My cat Jimmy began not eating for 3 days and was told to take him to an emergency vet if he went the full 3 days. Don’t want to go into the conditions he had, or how much he looked in pain near the end.

After he passed, I went into the bottle for most of five months. Then therapy, joined social clubs, church groups, some dates, even applying to law school. But now i feel myself in a hole this weekend.

What did yall do at the one year mark to feel better?

I rescued my dog one year ago and fell in love with her. Everyone did even my friends and family that hate pets. She was my first baby and I took her with my my senior year of college where I made my schedule around her. Her and I loved to be together and we did everything together. Suddenly she got super sick and I feel so guilty I didn't see the signs, she had liver failure. I keep wondering what if I noticed earlier could we have saved her? I miss her terribly she was my rock. I planned such a better life for her after graduation we were going to move to Arizona and she was going to have a huge apartment to run around in. I'm devastated she is gone. She was truly one of a kind and I feel it's so unfair. She was only one and I truly needed her. I feel so many emotions guilt, anger, sadness, it's tough.

There’s nothing positive without my girl. I cry and cry everyday about her. I love my missy so much. I worry that she didn’t realize how much I loved her.

My 9 year old beautiful girl passed away after a biopsy. She has been poorly for under two years. We haven't had the results yet but the vets believe it was cancerous. She was not doing to good, and the vets told us it was our only choice. She passed less than 24hs after coming out of the operation. We were told her side effects were normal until she started mouth breathing. We rushed her to the emergency vets but she passed in the car in my arms in the back as my wife drove us there. We are both utterly destroyed and feel like we are responsible for causing her to decline because of the op. I have anxiety and I have spent the weekend being unable to cope and struggling to breathe. I don't want to continue on, but I have to for my wife and our 2nd cat. How the hell does anyone recover from this? She went so quickly we feel grief, guilt, loss, shock all at once.

I can't unsee or unhear my little girl passing. I saw her go and it completely crushed me. Does anyone have any advice?

I should be celebrating Pavlov's 12 birthday today. It's my first of his birthdays without him, and it hurts.

I think my brain usually tries to shield me from the grief by tricking me into thinking he's at the groomer's or the vet's, and that we're both just waiting for the call that I can bring him home again. It's like a defensive utilization of the concept of object permanence. But, that defense is failing when I feel I should be especially doting on him today. There's such a glaring absence where he should be, and my heart feels simultaneously hollow yet heavy.

One month ago today, I made the heartbreaking decision to let my 18 (almost 19) year old chihuahua go. Pedro was born June 6, 2005. Two months later he chose me as his person after my Mum took me to meet him for my 14th birthday present. We bonded immediately when he played with my long earrings as I held him for the first time. We became inseparable. He was with me through every step of my life school, work, relationships, moving, traveling. All of it. For more than half my life. I don’t even remember much before him. I am completely shattered at his loss. I just can’t believe he’s gone. I miss our naps and cuddles, I miss coming home to him everyday, I miss his soft fur, I miss everything. As he aged, he stopped playing with toys (which we had spent hours playing with before he got older), but I miss that too. I realized when he passed, I had never truly been alone. I know he was in pain, had lost many of his faculties, but it was an honor and privilege to care for him those last two years just as much as it was the other 17. And I just wanted more time—no amount would have been enough. I keep going through all of his pictures, sleeping with his blanket. I keep thinking of all the hundreds of time I held him over the years up to the very last day when he passed in my arms. I cried as I held him, knowing his spirit was leaving me and trying to offer every ounce of comfort and love that I could to him. I’ve cried every day since and I just want to turn back time. This life feels so strange without him. My life feels so dim and directionless. I have an amazing support system in my husband, my Mum, my sister, and friends—who all have been there for me through this. But I know this pain doesn’t go away. I replay everything that could have been different. I know there was so much good in those 18+ years but I focus on how I could’ve been better, what I could’ve done differently to have given him an even better life. I have a hard time picturing what the future without him looks like from here.

His ashes rest now on my bedside table—next to the ashes of his sister who I lost in 2020. My heart aches for them both 💔

I feel almost the same now as I did... like I failed someone I tried to help... and I end up sobbing at the most random times. I tried to help that dog so much but I couldn't and something about that hurts so much.

I think I see her out of the corner of my eye all the time.

hi guys it’s really late and i still refuse to believe she’s gone i don’t get it why why why she was literally 3 years old she had so much left to give but pancreatitis decided to take her away from us she was the happiest most funny and loving dog you would ever meet i just want 5 more minutes with her ive been at work all week so have hardly spent any time with her i just wish i knew i didn’t get to say goodbye but nore would i have coped i feel like ive been through all 5 stages of grief today and just landed right back at the start im already going through a tough time mentally and im scared about what this might do to me if anyone has any tips or just raw honesty advice it would be greatly appreciated rest in peace my sweet fernie girl i’ll miss you forever 🌿<3

What if I canceled that appointment? What if she never got euthanised? What if her “ cancer “ ( I dint believe it ) was getting better? What if my baby still had more years left in her?..

I don’t believe she had cancer the vet never even looked at her blood test and just rushed us to get a euthanasia. I’m doing my own research now and if he never had cancer shoukd I sue him and the company? I believe she just had a yeast infection.

I'd had her since she was just a few months old.

She was an amazing little person and I miss her terribly. There was no question about it being the right thing to do and the right time, even though I hated the idea of letting her go. In addition to controlled thyroid disease, she was battling pancreatitis and kidney disease- which is what took her. Over the last few months she kept bouncing back from bad times, but finally she just couldn't do it anymore. She made it to Life 9.999 though.

A week ago today she saw the vet for bloodwork. Monday I got the results which were very bad. Multi system and organ failure were likely in the near future due to advanced kidney disease, and my vet, who I trusted, recommended letting her go. She was still herself to the end- cranky, feisty, curious. A tiny cat with an outsized personality and energy. Her passing was simple and easy. She left this world with her dignity and personality intact, for which I'm grateful.

But even with another cat- the house feels so empty. My cats are my family- my only family. I miss her, and her littermate, my adopted feline son who died of cancer in November, almost exactly 6 months earlier. For almost an entire year- my life revolved around caring for my cats and their health issues, to basically the exclusion of anything else that was non essential. Now I feel lost and adrift, apart from missing them and grieving their loss.

Goodbye, Gracie. Goodbye, Wesley. You two were the best.

My husbands grandma yelled at me today I recently lost my bunny well yesterday to my dog killing him. I don’t wanna go to work. I work with autistic kids. I lost my last job because I had a mental breaks down while at a kids house. I don’t think I can handle working 9-3 tomorrow. His grandma told me it’s just a bunny I don’t need to be this sad about it and told me I’m weak for not going to work. It is wrong for me to need time for my self

I have two rabbits from the same litter of bunnies. They are 8 years old. Since they were about 6 both had health problems.

The girl has arthritis. About a year ago a vet did an x ray and a substantial amount of her cartilage especially in her hips has worn away. I give her medicine twice a day. At one point she started refusing to take it so now I hide it in mashed banana. Even with that she can't fully clean herself (I have to cut feces out of her fur regularly and she cant clean her back so I have to brush dandruff etc regularly). She seems to have lost control of her bladder and bowels, she doesn't finish her food sometimes, she's lost weight, and sometimes she's just shaking for no reason.

The boy has glaucoma and cataracts. The vet did an injection on one eye to stop fluid production and I put drops in the eye that still produces fluid. His eyes look terrible but I'm not sure if they bother him or not. He is also deaf and he is now started also having trouble cleaning himself. He's a pretty happy little guy most of the time though.

They both just sleep a lot but still seem to enjoy things like me petting them or cuddling with their stuffed animals. I've only had one rabbit before and looking back his last two weeks of life were low quality of life. I wished I would have ended his suffering sooner but I was in denial about the fact that he was dying.

I dont want to put either of my bunnies down but I'm wondering how I will know when they need it?

My bulldog of 11 1/2 years passed away on Friday night at 7pm. I had just gotten home from work and did our normal routine of taking him out / treat. We got back up and I fed him…while on the phone I saw him walk over to the couch (where he would usually lay when I would watch tv) and just flopped on the ground. I ran over and thought he was having a seizure so I was just there comforting and petting him and then it turned into him not responding to anything. Us looking eachother in the eye and petting him as he passed away. Saddest fucking thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. I just sat there and sobbed holding him. Just balling looking online to find what to do, before finding a pet aftercare place. Packaged my sweet baby up in his blanket and carried him to the car so I could take him to get cremated. That whole process made me worse knowing it was real and not a nightmare.

It’s been two days and I hate being home knowing all this. Went into the office all this weekend to try to work to get things off my mind but just ending up bawling at my desk and replaying everything in my head. I come home to see his toys, bed, blankets and just can’t do it. Even his food bowl is not empty and has part of gone where he had eaten last. Hard for me to even sit on the couch where my best friend took his last breath. I’m just a complete wreck rn and miss him so much. Multiple friends have reached out and tried to check in / see if I need anything but I just want to be alone. I just want my Winston by myside like old times. I keep hoping he’s gonna come out of my room and come lick me while I’m on the couch. Even eating here felt weird not having my favorite little white shadow begging for food…he’s been with me since 20 in college and now 31, watched me change from a boy to a man.I feel so lost without him ….. I miss you so much bubba

My half Chiauha and half Jack Russell terrier Buddy (who was a girl) passed away unexpectedly on mother's day she was only 8 and I'm still heartbroken 💔 I miss her more and more everyday what are some songs that make you think about missing your pet(s)

My childhood cat Bear passed away last month. I got him when I was in 3rd grade and we grew up together. I had a pretty bad childhood, but I always had him. He truly was like a brother and a son to me.

He passed surrounded by me and my partner on our bed. He was slightly purring even though he was so tired. He did some little gasps, took one big stretch and left, the day after he turned 17.

I've never experienced grief like this, and I feel like I've lost a big part of myself. I'm so terrified I scared him in his final moments by being so scared myself. How do I move forward?

It’s been a week and a day. She was ten, but it was still a complete surprise. We had walked a mile every day preceding the vet appointment that indicated acute pancreatitis with complications. The following hospitalization and few days at home after were full of ups and downs. She was miserable, her liver enzyme levels did not go down, she wouldn’t eat, forcing meds in her was torture for all of us. Still, I read posts on canine pancreatitis groups of dogs who make it and grapple with our decision to let her go. I feel angry certain medications weren’t introduced sooner and that I didn’t know enough early on to advocate for her.

I’m grateful for my dog co-parent and other pets, who I am grieving alongside. I’m grateful her passing was peaceful and of course for every single moment we had. But I join everyone here in profound pain, as great or greater than every human loss I have experienced. Everyday moments punctuated by her absence. Every routine and easy turn of phrase startles me and brings me to tears.

Our other dog, brother, our good boy, has taken to sitting on her spot on top of the steps of the back deck, where I am sitting now. Where she protected us from every bird and airplane. In her last days we all took turns sitting with her here. I hope she haunts us from her spot. I keep expecting to see her here.

I’m not sure what the point of posting this is except that it helps to write my grief among people who know the true depth of love and loss of a pet, who don’t think it’s crazy to be so affected by “just a pet.” She was better and closer to my heart than almost every human I know, and my heart is broken. My heart is with all of you going through the same.

TW: Contains possible sensitive info in second paragraph, I don’t know how to blur words on here or if it does it automatically.

I don’t know how to start this or what to say. My childhood cat of 17 years (got him when I was like 4, 20yr old F now.), had to be put to sleep yesterday. My parent and I don’t have a lot of money by any means and we could not afford to take him to the vet to find out what was wrong, or to do anything. We are also without transportation. Over time he just got worse and worse, could only eat liquid foods, had some type of a cancer/infection in his mouth that caused his tooth to fall out. Constantly sneezing and secreting this pus and blood mixture. It was horrible to watch and not be able to do anything, I can’t begin to imagine the pain he was in.

We kept praying for help and posting online asking if anyone could help and then a gift from god popped up that offered to pay for the entire thing, for him to put down and be cremated. At that point that was the only option, he was asking to go, he was ready.

I can’t speak to how my parent is dealing with it but I have been crying since yesterday. I was with him for over an hour after he died. I cradled him in my arms for the first time yesterday in 17 years as I carried him out of the house for the last time. He was the boss of the house, the big tiger, he would never have let do something so unseemly as cradle him if he were alive lol. I even held his hand.

I feel guilty and the worst kind of sadness and pain just deep in my chest and gut. I don’t know what to do. Part of me is glad he is no longer suffering and in pain. Another selfish part of him just wants him back. I’m not necessarily a religious person anymore, used to be Christian but I’m not particularly in any faith anymore, I don’t know who to pray to, I don’t know who to talk to. I just feel so alone, and I want him back. I want my baby back.

His name was Forest. He was so brave and strong. A fighter until the end. I wish I could attach a picture, he was just the most handsome fella around.

Thanks for reading, just needed a place to talk about this, feeling very numb. Sending love to all the fur babies and their owners out there.

I have a cat that I know won't survive for much longer. I don't know if they'll make it to the end of the year, but I don't even think they can make it to September. How do you cope with knowing that they'll die soon? I can hear their breathing getting worse an worse.

sorry for the super long post and posting again, i've been such a mess and posting here has been the only thing that really helped in any way.

Mog was 11, 12 in august. He had been diagnosed with CKD two years ago when he went in for a teeth clean.

we immediatly switched him to special food kept an eye on his weight took him in for regular checks and he was doing great, he went to the vets in january and everything was good, he'd even put on a little weight. everything was normal, until it wasnt.

it was a wednesday, i noticed he was really drinking excesivly and only picking at his food. he was also getting into some strange places he'd never been interested in before, ontop of a tall cabinet, hidden on a shelf under the tv. i had started carying him to his meals as he wasn't interested in going upstairs.

that night he spent the entire evening tucked inside my dressing gown with me, untill i went to bed and i wrapped him up in my dressing gown and put him to bed on the couch.

the next morning, (thursday) he was no where to be found, MIL said he'd spent most of the very early morning curled up in one of his beds and he had gone out a little eairler, so i went out and shook his treats (usualy a foolproof way to get mog) but he didnt come running, so i kept shaking and after a few mins he came running but when he got to me he had no interest in the treats (big red flag). he gave me some headbuts and went off again, i was concerned so i went to see where he was going and he had found and lovely sunny spot in the neighbours garden and was resting happily, about an hour later (1pmish) he came home and he went stright to the shelf under the tv and curled up, not somewhere he had ever curled up before. i brought him some food and he ate but only when i gave it to him by hand and he had a big drink but he stayed where he was.

i spent that day laying on the floor next to him, stroking him, talking to him, offering him food and water every 4 hours but he stayed curled up, MIL kept an eye on him overnight (shes up long before the crack of dawn)

Friday morning he was acting a little more himself, more mobile but still trying to stay in high up places, he had some wet food and a few treats and was seeming pretty good when i had to leave for counciling.

when i came back my parther told me mog had been trying to get in some odd places, knocking books off the book shelf, not quite making jumps, as soon as my partner handed mog to me he clung to me so tight, he wrapped his little body over my shoulder and held on tight, he seemed scared and confused, i put on my dressing gown and he snuggled contently into it and thats where he stayed, he wasn't interested in food or water, in fact he barley moved, occasionaly stretching out a leg but that was all. he was inclined to have a little creamy white sauce that night from my plate.

deep down i think i knew his time was coming, but in the moment i truly had not accepted just how unwell he was getting, i just wanted him to have anything and everything he ever wanted but suddenly he didn't really want it. he slept through the rest of the night.

first thing saturday morning he wanted to be held by me, so thats what we did, i gave him some water and he had one or two bits of kibble before he was right back in my dressing gown where i could comfort and love him. however he wasnt comfortably snuggling with me, it felt like he was trying to hide, he had his head stuffed under my arm and was as flat agaist me as he could get, he was ignoring me talking to him and had to fully uncover his head to get his attention.

after a few hours and a couple of attempts with food and water without sucess i noticed he had urinated where he was but he didn't make any kind of reaction, he didnt even move, i'm unsure he even noticed. when i placed him down to change and clean him up he looked like he had woken up on another planet, barley moved just stared at his surroundings, i cleaned him up and he mustered up enough energy to try and get away from that.

as he was more awake now i gave him some water and he had a little and he also had a small amount of chicken, he was cleaning himself after when he seemed to panic, he bolted towards the kitchen window and forced his way out. i went stright outside with him where he took a few steps then started swaying, he let out this terrified cry and i caught him before he fell. the confusion in his eyes broke my heart, he didn't understand why his little body wasn't doing what it should.

i took him back inside and tried to settle him but he was adimant he wanted to be outside so i went out with him and he started licking the concrete (vet said its something to do with trying to get minerals into his system) then he slowly walked over to the bins licked the floor once more before attempting to jump up onto the bins, he didnt make it and i caught him again. this time he forced his head under my arm and tried to burrow in as deep as he could. i could feel his fear, my poor little baby was so terrified and confused and there was nothing i could do.

this was roughtly midday and for the next 3 hours thats where he satyed he only moved once to give my arm a little lick, i walked around with him, gently swaying and talking to him, crying alot because i knew something bad was happening to my baby and there was nothing i could do to help. when my partner came home i explained through tears what had happened and he called the vet for advice. they told us to bring him in a little over an hour later. i was terrified, i felt that if we went to the vet mog wouldn't be coming home but Mog still hadnt moved, i had to get their advice. i carried him to the vets in my dressing gown and he didnt react, not once, not even in the car or when we got to the vets.

he woke up in the office when i had to put him on the table. the vets reaction told me all i needed to know and i broke down again. the vet said they could hospitalise him and put him on fluids but that would likley only give him another 48 hours and i didnt want him spending his last hours alone in a cage, i couldnt do that to my baby.

he had lost 25% of his body weight in 3 months and the vet said he was ready so she wrapped him in his blanket and took him to insert a canular, he put up no resistance.

when she brought him back to me and placed him on the table i got down to his level and told him how much i loved him, he looked at me and let out a little purr before giving me a silent meow, i scratched his chin in his favorite spot and gave him so many little kisses before picking him up for the last time.

i was able to hold him untill his last breath, he was gone immediatly there was no fight left in his little body.

i can't help thinking i should've never gone to the vet that day and just held him untill he was ready to cross but i don't know if thats just because i miss him so terribly.

he was seemingly fine 4 days before, it all went downhill so fast then he was gone. i knew this day would come but i never expected it to be such a sudden decline and i have no idea if i did right by him and it haunts me.

i dont expect anyone to say anything, i just needed to put what happened out there. thanks for reading.