One month ago today, I made the heartbreaking decision to let my 18 (almost 19) year old chihuahua go. Pedro was born June 6, 2005. Two months later he chose me as his person after my Mum took me to meet him for my 14th birthday present. We bonded immediately when he played with my long earrings as I held him for the first time. We became inseparable. He was with me through every step of my life school, work, relationships, moving, traveling. All of it. For more than half my life. I don’t even remember much before him. I am completely shattered at his loss. I just can’t believe he’s gone. I miss our naps and cuddles, I miss coming home to him everyday, I miss his soft fur, I miss everything. As he aged, he stopped playing with toys (which we had spent hours playing with before he got older), but I miss that too. I realized when he passed, I had never truly been alone. I know he was in pain, had lost many of his faculties, but it was an honor and privilege to care for him those last two years just as much as it was the other 17. And I just wanted more time—no amount would have been enough. I keep going through all of his pictures, sleeping with his blanket. I keep thinking of all the hundreds of time I held him over the years up to the very last day when he passed in my arms. I cried as I held him, knowing his spirit was leaving me and trying to offer every ounce of comfort and love that I could to him. I’ve cried every day since and I just want to turn back time. This life feels so strange without him. My life feels so dim and directionless. I have an amazing support system in my husband, my Mum, my sister, and friends—who all have been there for me through this. But I know this pain doesn’t go away. I replay everything that could have been different. I know there was so much good in those 18+ years but I focus on how I could’ve been better, what I could’ve done differently to have given him an even better life. I have a hard time picturing what the future without him looks like from here.

His ashes rest now on my bedside table—next to the ashes of his sister who I lost in 2020. My heart aches for them both 💔