sorry for the super long post and posting again, i've been such a mess and posting here has been the only thing that really helped in any way.

Mog was 11, 12 in august. He had been diagnosed with CKD two years ago when he went in for a teeth clean.

we immediatly switched him to special food kept an eye on his weight took him in for regular checks and he was doing great, he went to the vets in january and everything was good, he'd even put on a little weight. everything was normal, until it wasnt.

it was a wednesday, i noticed he was really drinking excesivly and only picking at his food. he was also getting into some strange places he'd never been interested in before, ontop of a tall cabinet, hidden on a shelf under the tv. i had started carying him to his meals as he wasn't interested in going upstairs.

that night he spent the entire evening tucked inside my dressing gown with me, untill i went to bed and i wrapped him up in my dressing gown and put him to bed on the couch.

the next morning, (thursday) he was no where to be found, MIL said he'd spent most of the very early morning curled up in one of his beds and he had gone out a little eairler, so i went out and shook his treats (usualy a foolproof way to get mog) but he didnt come running, so i kept shaking and after a few mins he came running but when he got to me he had no interest in the treats (big red flag). he gave me some headbuts and went off again, i was concerned so i went to see where he was going and he had found and lovely sunny spot in the neighbours garden and was resting happily, about an hour later (1pmish) he came home and he went stright to the shelf under the tv and curled up, not somewhere he had ever curled up before. i brought him some food and he ate but only when i gave it to him by hand and he had a big drink but he stayed where he was.

i spent that day laying on the floor next to him, stroking him, talking to him, offering him food and water every 4 hours but he stayed curled up, MIL kept an eye on him overnight (shes up long before the crack of dawn)

Friday morning he was acting a little more himself, more mobile but still trying to stay in high up places, he had some wet food and a few treats and was seeming pretty good when i had to leave for counciling.

when i came back my parther told me mog had been trying to get in some odd places, knocking books off the book shelf, not quite making jumps, as soon as my partner handed mog to me he clung to me so tight, he wrapped his little body over my shoulder and held on tight, he seemed scared and confused, i put on my dressing gown and he snuggled contently into it and thats where he stayed, he wasn't interested in food or water, in fact he barley moved, occasionaly stretching out a leg but that was all. he was inclined to have a little creamy white sauce that night from my plate.

deep down i think i knew his time was coming, but in the moment i truly had not accepted just how unwell he was getting, i just wanted him to have anything and everything he ever wanted but suddenly he didn't really want it. he slept through the rest of the night.

first thing saturday morning he wanted to be held by me, so thats what we did, i gave him some water and he had one or two bits of kibble before he was right back in my dressing gown where i could comfort and love him. however he wasnt comfortably snuggling with me, it felt like he was trying to hide, he had his head stuffed under my arm and was as flat agaist me as he could get, he was ignoring me talking to him and had to fully uncover his head to get his attention.

after a few hours and a couple of attempts with food and water without sucess i noticed he had urinated where he was but he didn't make any kind of reaction, he didnt even move, i'm unsure he even noticed. when i placed him down to change and clean him up he looked like he had woken up on another planet, barley moved just stared at his surroundings, i cleaned him up and he mustered up enough energy to try and get away from that.

as he was more awake now i gave him some water and he had a little and he also had a small amount of chicken, he was cleaning himself after when he seemed to panic, he bolted towards the kitchen window and forced his way out. i went stright outside with him where he took a few steps then started swaying, he let out this terrified cry and i caught him before he fell. the confusion in his eyes broke my heart, he didn't understand why his little body wasn't doing what it should.

i took him back inside and tried to settle him but he was adimant he wanted to be outside so i went out with him and he started licking the concrete (vet said its something to do with trying to get minerals into his system) then he slowly walked over to the bins licked the floor once more before attempting to jump up onto the bins, he didnt make it and i caught him again. this time he forced his head under my arm and tried to burrow in as deep as he could. i could feel his fear, my poor little baby was so terrified and confused and there was nothing i could do.

this was roughtly midday and for the next 3 hours thats where he satyed he only moved once to give my arm a little lick, i walked around with him, gently swaying and talking to him, crying alot because i knew something bad was happening to my baby and there was nothing i could do to help. when my partner came home i explained through tears what had happened and he called the vet for advice. they told us to bring him in a little over an hour later. i was terrified, i felt that if we went to the vet mog wouldn't be coming home but Mog still hadnt moved, i had to get their advice. i carried him to the vets in my dressing gown and he didnt react, not once, not even in the car or when we got to the vets.

he woke up in the office when i had to put him on the table. the vets reaction told me all i needed to know and i broke down again. the vet said they could hospitalise him and put him on fluids but that would likley only give him another 48 hours and i didnt want him spending his last hours alone in a cage, i couldnt do that to my baby.

he had lost 25% of his body weight in 3 months and the vet said he was ready so she wrapped him in his blanket and took him to insert a canular, he put up no resistance.

when she brought him back to me and placed him on the table i got down to his level and told him how much i loved him, he looked at me and let out a little purr before giving me a silent meow, i scratched his chin in his favorite spot and gave him so many little kisses before picking him up for the last time.

i was able to hold him untill his last breath, he was gone immediatly there was no fight left in his little body.

i can't help thinking i should've never gone to the vet that day and just held him untill he was ready to cross but i don't know if thats just because i miss him so terribly.

he was seemingly fine 4 days before, it all went downhill so fast then he was gone. i knew this day would come but i never expected it to be such a sudden decline and i have no idea if i did right by him and it haunts me.

i dont expect anyone to say anything, i just needed to put what happened out there. thanks for reading.