I am not The OOP, OOP is u/craigersmith

My wife [25f] is cheating on me [27M] without cheating one me... Let me explain..

TRIGGER WARNING:

Original Post  Jan 25, 2013

Sorry, this is long, but there is a lot of information.

My wife and I have been each other's closest (and often, only) friend for the longest time. Both of us are very shy and have a hard time making friends.

Recently, she made a friend at her job, who is a guy. She's had guy work friends before and it never really bothered me. But this one is different.

First, she started texting him a lot (A LOT) out of nowhere and I didn't know about it until I discovered she went over our texting limit, which she never ever got close to before. She hid it from me for fear of me getting jealous.

She is adamant about him just being a friend, and one that she needs. She goes to lunch with him and goes to get coffee. Once a week or so, they talk on the phone for a couple hours. They've also been sending pictures of themselves to each other (not racey ones or anything, just normal stuff).

They often text each other all day long (literally), even to the point that they have to say goodnight to each other.

Now, for the most part, she has been open about it all. Every now and then, I'll discover something she didn't tell me or catch her in a small lie (that she said she was doing to protect my feelings). But, still, for the most part, she isn't hiding it.

I'm fairly positive they aren't spending more time together than I think because there isn't any missing time in her schedule that I've seen. No time unexplained.

But I still feel like she is having an emotional affair. I've told her (in no uncertain terms) that this makes me uncomfortable, that I really don't like her having this level of friendship with another man. But, I also know that it's wrong for me to tell her she CAN'T have this friendship.

The problem is, he is also married, and their marriage is going through tough times. And HIS wife has told him not to text my wife anymore. So, they've started "texting" through Hanging With Friends, so she won't know. Which I think is disrespectful and wrong.

People at her work have been speculating that they are having an affair, to the point it spread to the whole store.

I've asked my wife, in one of the many fights/discussions we've had about this, if she would tell her mom what she was doing? She said no. I asked if she thought what she was doing against my wishes and his wife's wishes was okay? She said no.

But this is not enough to get her to stop. I'm not even asking her to drop him as a friend, just to treat him like a normal friend from work, no platonic dates or long chats or all day text marathons.

She has even told me that if the situation was reversed, she would hate it if I had a girl friend like this, but still, this is not enough for her to stop.

I cannot talk to anyone about it, because every friend or family member of mine is also close with her and I wouldn't want anyone thinking less of her or knowing we're having this issue.

So, I have to suffer in silence. I don't know what I should do. I'm trying to respect her and not be overbearing, but this whole thing just feels like it has gone way too far and I feel I am justified in hating this.

It feels good just to write this all out. Sorry I rambled and jumped around a bit. Just so much information.

Anyway, what do you think? Am I just being too sensitive/paranoid? Or am I right in being upset?

TL;DR My wife has a guy friend that she spends way too much time with and energy on, to the point that everyone at their work think they are having an affair. I've been clear that I am uncomfortable with this, but don't want to be controlling, so I let my feelings be known, but stop short of "putting my foot down." My wife hasn't backed off even a little bit, but she has been mostly open about everything (not really hiding it from me). Should I be worried? And if so, what should I do? I will not be leaving her and she knows that, so that threat is not an option.

UPDATE 1 (1/25 2:22pm MST) Thank you all so much for your comments and advice. It has all been very eye opening and helpful. I realize now that I am in denial and that, whether she realizes it or not, this is a problem that needs fixing. I left her a letter at home explaining my feelings and packed a small bag. I'm spending the night in the hotel and have asked to meet with her tomorrow to talk this thing out. I don't know if this is the right step to take first, but I feel like I need to wake her up to the fact that I am not going to be okay with this. I'm sure she'll try and call/find me tonight. Don't know if I'll answer when she does. Not sure what is going to happen, but whatever is going to happen, it happens now. I'll post a proper update soon. (Also, sorry for the confusion about the gender thing. I didn't even realize I listed myself as a female until someone directly asked me if I was a lesbian. That explains a few other slightly puzzling responses too. Haha. But yeah, I'm a guy.)

Update  Jan 26, 2013

Thank you all so much for your comments and advice. It has all been very eye opening and helpful.

I came to realize I was in denial and that, whether my wife realized it or not, this was a problem that needed fixing.

As I posted already yesterday, I left her a letter at home explaining my feelings and packed a small bag. I went to spend the night in the hotel and asked to meet with her tonight to talk this thing out.

In the letter, I posted about a dozen of the comments from your folks, just so she could see what other people think of our situation (I also included what I posted, so she would know I didn't exaggerate). Don't worry, I didn't include your handles, so she won't be coming after you.

When she got home and read the note, she called me. I didn't answer, but in her voicemail (in which she was bawling, which is very uncharacteristic of her), she begged me to come home and talk.

She said in the message that yesterday she was at lunch with the other guy and they both had already decided to end the friendship, because they both realized they were developing feelings for each other.

After a while, I decided to go home and talk with her.

We had quite a long conversation. She told me that the other day, he admitted to having feelings for her, but promised not to push. She told me that the day before yesterday, she realized she was developing feelings for him too, and it scared her.

She said she REALLY thought they were just friends, that she was refusing to believe it was becoming anything more, and then it just happened.

She told me that they didn't do anything physical yet, that it hadn't gotten that far, which is why they decided to end the friendship, because neither wanted to cross a line they can't uncross.

I'm choosing to believe her in that.

She told me that even though she was already backing out of the friendship with him, that the letter I left really opened her eyes at what she was doing to me and to us. It killed me to see her so broken and ashamed. I've never seen her like this before.

We both cryed for a long time, I said everything I had to say and asked the questions I needed to know the answers to. I believe she was honest with me, finally, about everything, including some things that were hard to hear. This went on for a couple hours.

Instead of staying at the hotel by myself, I invtied her to come with me. We went out to dinner, went to the hot tub at the hotel, and then had a wonderful night together.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking, but this isn't the end of it. We've got a lot of stuff to work through. We're talking about some counseling and it'll take me a while to fully trust her again.

I'm not just letting it slide like nothing happened. But I'm also not giving up on my marriage. I will not. I never will. Some of you may think that makes me a chump, but I don't care. This is the woman I pledged to spend the rest of my life with, and as long as I have a say in the matter, I don't intend on breaking that promise. For better or for worse, right?

Today, I also sent a text message to the other guy, telling him that my wife told me what was going on and that I wanted to make it clear that if I ever see even just a single non-work-related text from him on her phone again, that we will be having a different discussion and in person.

My wife and I have a long road ahead of us, but I'm positive we are both committed to getting things fixed between us and moving forward.

I really wanted to thank all of you (at least those of you who offered real advice) for yesterday. I needed to be woken up and I think it happened just in the nick of time. I feel like this dark cloud is finally starting to break up.

TL;DR I left my wife a letter expressing all my feelings and fears and left for the night. She called and begged me to come home. We talked for several painful hours, as she explained that, while nothing physical happened between her and her male friend, they both admitted that they were developing feelings for each other and decided it would be best to part ways. My wife and I are going to work on our relationship and move on from this. It's going to take some time for me to trust her again, but I'm not giving her up without a fight. Thank you Reddit for giving me the courage to stand up for myself. It may have just saved our marriage.

SECOND UPDATE 1/27 Hello again everyone. Thank you all (most of you, anyway) for your wonderful messages of encouragement! My wife and I have been having a lot of deep, emotional discussions over these last couple days. Having been with her for 12 years, I can honestly say that I've noticed a big change in her during these past couple months, but these past few days, she's finally back to her old self again. I can tell that she's sincere. Found out that the other guy and his wife and moving away soon, which makes me happy. My wife has felt so terrible, she is committing to being transparent, allowing me to be as "nosey" as I need to be, and to check up on her as much as I need to until I feel comfortable again. We are going to be starting up some counseling with our pastor soon, which I think is going to be a great help. It still hurts that it even got as far as it did. I've been cycling through anger, hurting, disappointment, and hope. I'm sure it will take a long while before those bad feelings go away. But we're going to be okay. I'm sure of it.

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