I've just kept going because I am a stupid, weak coward and I haven't yet had the strength to follow through with the suicidal urges I have had for the last twenty years, although we're damn close now and I hope I don't see the first of June. I have a little while longer to get through for someone else's convenience and because I have to wait for things to line up, then we'll see what happens.

The politics are probably going to be even more performative and cruel, basic necessities like food and rent will continue to expand drastically past wages, entire industries will run aground AI and other stupid bullshit that companies will embrace wholeheartedly despite being bad for the goods and services they make because they get to cut workforce and boost stock price, and headlines will read something like "President dances with Nick Jonas Jr. on FaceTock to raise awareness of water shortages over the entire West Coast and southwest US" and "Supreme Court repeals labor act; world's first quadrillionaire hails it as 'return to fiscal freedom'" or some shit like that.

It'll be even dumber and worse for most people.

I dunno, 3-4? I have a beard and I'm clearly a big guy, but I don't particularly give a shit about any traditionally masculine hobbies or pursuits, I'm not a physically fit or active person so I'm not big and muscly or whatever, and I don't care about things that people seem to think of as inherently manly like pursuing sex or providing for a family. I'm enough of a dude that it's easy to check off a box labeled "M" on forms and it's a correct enough answer, but that's the extent of it. Which is fine by me, I see all the stuff that people label "masculine" and "manly" and none of it is particularly appealing or interesting.

36 years old, personally adamantly against having kids because of personal baggage. If I could afford it and I expected to be sexually active, uh, ever, I would get a vasectomy in a heartbeat.

Yeah, I am skeptical that this is a widespread thing among women beyond maybe social media engagement farming. Even if it was a wider stereotype, I don't see the point in engaging with it. So it's "who gives a shit?" all across the board. Anyone who would be using beta male in a derogatory fashion, regardless of gender or political preference, can almost certainly be ignored in terms of relationships.

Well, both of my parents are gone, and when my mom was alive she needed someone to look after her so I don't think I would have gotten away from that, but if those weren't factors then I would probably be low contact at the very least and I would prefer no contact. My mom and I barely spoke when we lived in the same house by the end, and I wouldn't be surprised if I went full years without talking to my dad since he lived elsewhere. Before the end we were basically resentful strangers to each other, and I can only imagine that would have gotten worse over the ensuing decade.

I don't want to keep going but life doesn't just stop even if you want it to, and taking it into your own hands is various levels of inconsistent, terrifying, painful, messy and burdensome on other people; that's what has kept me waking up in the morning, at least so far. Lack of an easy alternative.

Family history of dying young, plenty of illnesses or potential illnesses that could kill me, and mostly the constant push towards suicide. I'm 36 and I have been "I won't make it to the end of the year" increasingly every year since I was 16. I don't care for myself, I don't have enough money to do medical stuff for physical and mental health so four years is still an impossibly long way away for me now.

I think there's plenty of ways for a life to be miserable and hard, we don't have to invalidate suffering simply because someone has it worse.

I'm not going to pay my bills at the end of the month. If I somehow make it work, nor probably next month and so on. I can't earn more with a better job unless I get better physically and especially mentally, but I can't afford to get better. So my life is pretty much over imminently.

It turns out people can't just roll over and die even if we want to.

Probably 2-3 days ago, when one of the rougher songs on my playlist hit me at exactly a wrong spot and I broke down with a lot of pent up emotion. I realize I'm in the minority, though, because I have untreated mental illness that throws me through extreme mood swings and intense emotional gauntlets. Crying is a thing that is going to happen in private, I just have to accept that.

In general though I believe that "real men don't cry" is bullshit that doesn't do anything helpful.

Possibly back in middle school. That was certainly the best part of my life, but I can't remember if I was actually happy or if I was still unhappy, I just had enough going on that I could find joy in some other things. Regardless, it was twenty five years ago and I don't really remember it too fondly, I don't take solace from my childhood. I just acknowledge that in a shitty life, that was the least shitty part.

Yeah. It's a nightmare, like being trapped in your own head as the stubborn, stressed out, hurt part of you takes the wheel and enforces strong boundaries that you never set against things that might help, because it's all too much, it's not going to work, it can't work, it can't, it's too much. I don't know what to do in situations like that or I would share, but it's some of the most infuriating and demoralizing things I feel, like I am living by this severe rulebook I can't even begin to read.

You could count a lifetime of having CPTSD, but specifically failing out of college is one of the major ones, as is losing everything and becoming homeless for a time. A lifetime of mostly not doing much means there's not really too many opportunities to fall from great heights, so.

I can relate to this feeling. I haven't got my testosterone tested - unless it comes up in regular blood tests and the doctor didn't bring it up - because I can't afford to go on TRT, but if I was considering it I would personally be really hesitant because I don't want a higher sex drive. The one I have is already really aggravating and useless, so revving up my libido is the last thing I want on this planet.

Luckily, I don't think I did. I seem to take more after my mom"s side of the family, which works for me considering the less like the abusive, womanizing bastard I am the better.

Never. Which makes sense, because I'm deeply unattractive.

Apart from balancing a checkbook, no, money management is mostly a mystery to me.

Yeah, this is the type of logic that goes through people dealing with deep depression. You don't want to be an anchor around the necks of your friends and loved ones; when it gets bad you know that it's hard on the people around you and your mind can easily fixate on that and distort it to the point that you're overwhelmed by the feeling of being harmful to someone else, then it's just natural to push them away for their own good. That doesn't mean it's necessarily true, it's just...you know that saving about how drowning men will drag you down if you let them? Well, when you know that you're drowning, sometimes the kindest thing you feel like you can do for someone is to push them away so you can't drag them down. It's really rough, and I'm sorry you've been caught up in it.

Edit: From a personal perspective, this is a major reason I would never get in a relationship with someone. I have someone at work I have some sort of feelings for, and even if I thought it would work (which it wouldn't) and if I thought it was a good idea to date someone at work (which it's not), I can't imagine saddling someone with all my baggage and hurting them. It's not a rational feeling, but it's a strong one that makes a lot of emotional sense.

Who else is the worthless loser out of everyone they know and just want to not exist anymore because of it. And how do you deal with it.

I am very much that guy, I can relate. And the answer is "very badly," so I don't have any actionable advice. I just wanted to say that it's incredibly hard, isolating and corrosive to your sense of self to go through something like this, so try not to be too hard on yourself as you work on finding your way out. Best of luck.

I don't know. I guess I would have liked to know if I really meant anything to them, to anyone, if I dragged them down. I don't feel ignored or anything, but...when I get into my own head, it's really easy to consider myself a nuisance at best, an anchor at worst, and that everyone around me would have been better off - and would be better off - not knowing me, or without me in their lives.

Unfortunately, that type of conversation is far too much, especially when circumstances are bad. So that's not a conversation I'm ever going to have. It's the type of conversation they can have after I'm gone.

On this particular issue, I'm doing just fine since it's what I want. I mean, if I had kids they wouldn't know my family because my parents are gone and the rest are estranged, but I have been adamantly against having kids since I was a teenager and I have only grown more sure over time. Fuck my bloodline, I'm glad I'm the last of my little branch.

Occasionally I walk a few minutes on a treadmill at my apartment complex to keep my joints limber but otherwise I don't go to the gym. Not something I care about.