As a depressed person, is this a legitimate reason you’d dump someone? His father passed 6 months ago, he Lost his job 8 months ago. He bought me a ring in February and was going to propose. His mental health has been declining but I’ve been doing what I can to keep him functioning. Trying to get him to shower, eat dinner, complimenting him, doing the tell me 3 good things about your day, he sleeps until 4/5pm then is awake all night. He was against therapy but I finally got him to agree to it and he’s on a waiting list. He’s now suicidal and telling me he wants to kill himself and started hurting himself but punching his legs very very hard. He’s had bruises on his legs for months and I think I know why now. He told me I deserve a better life with someone normal. Not a loser and he can’t give me what I deserve. He can’t give me marriage, kids, a home for a while and he said he’s going to be bedridden for a long time. I told him I don’t care I want to help him but he said he has nothing left to give and thinks it’s best for both of us. Is this a real reason someone depressed would dump you? Because they are feeling so worthless and are being selfless and want you to be happy? He is my happiness and my everything. I just can’t understand this. Can someone explain to me? I’m devastated
Depressed boyfriend dumped me. Says I deserve better. Is this a real reason to dump someone?
I don't mean it as an insult. But that's why a lot of animals hide when they know they're gonna go. If he's gonna go he wouldn't say anything. He'd just do it. He's screaming for help if he's telling you anything.
I think most likely your boyfriend is trying to minimize the collateral damage his depression will cause you by being with him. I can understand his mindset, sometimes with depression you think the best thing you can do to keep from hurting other people and taking them down with you is to push them away, or you start to self-isolate in the hopes the people around you will start pulling away themselves. It's also possible he thinks you'll eventually leave him anyways because his depression is too much for you to handle so he's trying to tear the bandage off so to speak. By breaking up with you, he won't have to deal with the pain of being abandoned or told he's too much. Those are some possible explanations, but it's difficult to tell what exactly a person in that kind of mindset is feeling/thinking. It's clear you love him and care for him a lot, so I think the best thing you can do in this situation is tell him you still care about him, want to support him, and encourage him to seek help/treatment. Unfortunately, you can't force someone to seek treatment or help if they don't want it or feel they need it. They have to want to get better, all you can really be is support. I hope you both come out of this okay, but this doesn't sound like something you alone would be able to help him with. Please reach out to professional services that might be able to give you more information on resources to help him, don't try to shoulder that kind of thing on your own.
When I get a major depressive episode I push everyone away. I've deleted social media accounts, blocked people, broke off relationships and friendships. It's a feeling like you don't deserve any attention and want to disappear altogether, and that everything is against you and everyone deserves better than you. When the flood subsides a bit I feel too guilty to reach out again to those I've hurt. It's a horrible cycle. It was worse in my youth, but the older I get I've noticed the ups and downs aren't quite as severe.
I can understand. My bf left me because I am depressed and he couldn't handle me
Well you are fortunate. But in my case it's painful
I’m sorry. Ive lived with the pain, but it seems having a happy ending only gets downvotes.
Well I didn't downvote it. I think it's a good thing that you are living a good life here in my case I am still dealing with the trauma
Look, the depression hasn’t gone away. I work hard to keep my family. To keep myself functioning enough to love them.
It won’t always be this way. But you have to take control of what you can. I know how it feels. When there’s a glimmer of hope, you jump.
And if your bf left, he isn’t for you. There’s better for you.
Yeah you are right. I have to move on but it takes time to heal
Of course! Each one will feel like the end of the world, but it’s a lie.
Yeah I already lose my best friend too and now my bf so the trauma does comes over again and again
He says I can take whatever I want from our apartment and he’ll pay to break the lease. And he says I think it’s best we’re not together. Let me know when you are coming so I can leave. I want to just show up there and hug him but I don’t know he could freak out and tell me to leave again. Or maybe he’ll cry and apologize. I really can’t tell. But he’s never pushed me away like this so I think he means it. What do you think I should do
Look at Miss thang here living the dream
Yeah, I pushed away the best thing that ever happened to me because of depression. This voice in your head keeps telling you “they’re better without you. They’re only with you because they don’t want you to kill yourself.” You start to feel worthless. This story was a bummer to read.
What would I need to say to him to allow me to stay? He’s done and saying he can’t give me any energy and can’t give me the future I deserve and he’ll be in bed for a long time so it’s better for both of us. And I tried reassuring him I’m here for him and want to stay and love him. But he’s saying it’s best for both of us to break up. I’m sick
Is he on meds?
Yes he’s tried different meds the past year and a half and he’ll be ok for a while. Then back to super depressed. He’s tried so many now he finally accepted he needs therapy. He is on a waiting list for one therapist his dr recommended but who knows when he’ll get in.
How the hell is he on meds when he hasn't seen a therapist?! Dude, some bullshit doc might be making a labrat out of him and that could be making him worse. I'm not saying he should stop taking the meds cold turkey, but he should have seriously been talking to someone before being prescribed anything.
Therapists don't prescribe meds. Psychiatrists don't provide therapy. It's better to do both, but getting meds without seeing a therapist is perfectly normal.
That's called fueling the industry
I did that. Not everyone affords therapy 😐
I mean I get that not everyone can afford therapy, but like for instance my partner was given klonopin from an ER doc because she had nonepileptic "anxiety induced" seizures due to undiagnosed cataplexy, and I had to stop her from trying to jump out of a window while she was fried off of it. The withdrawal when she tapered off of it was nightmarish and took 8 weeks, and it all happened because somebody prescribed her with something they shouldn't have been allowed to prescribe.
Medication shouldn't just be prescribed like that by people who don't know you, unless of course you already have a medical history. If that's the case then get what you need. But If not then there can easily be an abuse going either way... I mean just look at the Adderall and Vyvanse shortages happening because of these pharmaceutical apps.
I hopped on Zoloft prescribed by a neurologist to treat my anxiety induced numbness in my entire left body half, constant panic attacks that made driving dangerous, memory loss, and constant tingling.
I had access to brain MRI and other tests for diabetes through insurance (which fucked me over the next year of course), but everything was clean, and everything was fixed a month in after years of struggles.
It is true that symptoms when getting in the meds, and withdrawal symptoms when tempering with it are no joke, but that doesn't mean meds can save your life. It saved mine after almost making me end it, but that's cuz I took them while being alone in my room in a toxic environment.
Now that makes sense because there's a medical history attached to it. My partner was actually prescribed a tricyclic antidepressant by a neurologist to help control her cataplexy, but it took a very long time to even find a neurologist who would help her.
Sorry you had to go through all that. Internet hugs
Thanks
Waiting for the day when I can exchange those for physical ones 🥲
Depression also affects your ability to feel love and joy. You start to question everything and you tend to feel empty. I would say it is a real reason for a breakup. I honestly feel very sorry for you because that happened to me, too. It feels unfair and it makes no sense
My ex partner has depression and at the start of an episode last year, his worst since we’d been together, ghosted and blocked me. We were together 6 years and it was like he just changed overnight. I wanted to support him through in any way I could but he just pushed me away. His family have said he’s isolating from everyone. I’m devastated so I know how you feel. It’s common from what I’ve read for this to happen. All you can do is continue to offer your love and support and hope you can get through to him.
Omg I’m so sorry. That is absolutely devastating. I’m afraid if I reach out more he will block me too. Have you heard from him since? Or at least how he’s doing?
Not heard anything since last year. I’ve tried and tried but I can’t do anymore. His family want me to leave him alone. I think they’re in denial, they’re not encouraging him to get the help he needs. I’m devastated and it’s affecting my mental health. I really hope you can get through to your boyfriend. Just gotta find the balance between giving him space and letting him know you’re not giving up on him
We’re in a similar situation. I’ve had loads of big life events happened last year and I think my bf felt too overwhelmed with it all and it made him worse. It’s not our fault though. We just want to help. I think maybe give him a little bit of time and space since you know he’s spoken to his family. It’s so hard knowing what’s the right thing to do. But if you push too hard you may completely push him away
Unfortunately I completely recognise how he must be feeling, and yes, it is a genuine reason why a depressed person might break it off with someone. Depression has us feeling like we're a burden to everyone, we feel like we're dragging them down and overall hamper their quality of life in the long term, and they only want us not to off ourselves because of the acute period of intense grief it brings, but that after it passes they'd eventually be better off without us. I've been in a place for a while now where I believe my suicide is inevitable, and that the longer I leave it, the more of an attachment people will have to me, and the more it'll hurt them
One of the most common things for me to say to myself is that killing myself now instead of when I feel ready would be the right thing to do, and staying alive is incredibly selfish of me. Honestly, I actually believe it too, I just think they have the right to make that decision themselves, but as people's lives develop and they gradually have less and less time for me I feel happy for them, and hopeful that one day they'll have rich enough lives with as little of me as possible that when I eventually can't take it anymore it won't hurt them that badly
It's possible that he's trying to minimise that perceived inevitable pain, he's definitely trying to minimise the perceived burden he is on you. I imagine it's stark little comfort that he's doing this out of love for you. It's worth noting though that your insistence on supporting him is likely exactly what makes him think he's a burden, which I know is something of a horrible catch 22. What's better than being adamant about helping him is if you can show him that you still have a rich, full, happy life, even with him in it. If he can see that however much of an obligation he is (and you need to approach it from that perspective, because that's the only way to meet him where he's at) it doesn't stop you from living your best life, he's less likely to think he's doing you a favour. If he can see that he actively supports you in some way even better, so if there's any kind of hobbies you do together, or any of his that he can get you into, dive in head first, let him see how much he'd be taking away from you if he removed himself from your life, because he doesn't count himself in that
It's also important to keep in mind that just because you want to support him doesn't mean it's good for you. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, but it's a fact, and he knows it. He will have more than likely heard many horror stories of how having a depressed partner completely destroyed someone's life, we all have, it's the fate worse than death we believe is waiting for us in which we not only end up killing ourselves, but ruining someone else's life in the process. This is why it's so important for him to see that he isn't ruining your life, but it also means he needs some reassurance that if it gets worse in the future that will still be the case. If you can give him a platform to open up about his fears of what he might do to hurt you, you can address with him whether these are as bad as he's thinking, and work together to put some communication safeguards in place, because 90% of the time, the idea of it is worse than the reality
People don't tend to realise how much emotion they're holding onto because they think it's coming across or is it some way obvious, because it's their norm. They're communicating it in a way that they think is clear, and don't realise how much of that is aberrant behaviour and emotions, because to them, it isn't. You'd be amazed at how much it can unburden someone to just say out loud for the first time "I feel/act this way because of these experiences in my life" and hear back "That's trauma, I'm so sorry, I can't imagine dealing with that, no wonder you feel/act like this". In my case it was talking about my bullying, and growing up with neurodivergent struggles, stuff I'd never thought could count as trauma, so I must just be pathetic, because I didn't realise just how enormously it had all pushed my development off course, but then I finally had a breakdown and told my mum about it all and found out that she didn't even know anything like that had been going on, because I'd just assumed she must have known something like this was going on, since to me it was normal, and never thought to tell her. She told me those are traumatic things I'd just shared, and now I can recognise the mood and behaviour issues as damage and not just something I need to do better at
I hope literally any of this helps. If nothing else, I want to live in a world where the partners of depressed people go online to ask depressed people for advice and it actually yields results, and I'm sure he does too. Maybe remind him of that, and that you need to at least have a chance to help him for that to happen. Good luck OP, I wish you both the best
I want to take him to the hospital but I know he won’t go.
I wouldn't suggest Baker Acting him either because that might make him distrust you.
I was Baker Acted before by my mother in highschool after OD-ing on tramadol and now I don't trust her with my deeper depressive thoughts. The only one I trust now is my boyfriend and he knows why.
Actually, with that, help your boyfriend trust you into telling you his thoughts until he's is off the waiting list. Show sympathy, even if it's with the less intrusive ones, and tell him how you handled them.
My parents think he will just leave the apartment if I show up or he’ll yell at me again to leave. They also want me to come home and are afraid for me and want me to find someone else one day. They said I’m in for a hell of a life if I keep going down this road and kids won’t make it easy they also think he doesn’t want kids
It's understandable why he would do that in his state.
He sounds like he's in a real dark place.
If you still want to be together I'd tell him to contact you once he starts therapy.
Also if he really is suicidal, and only on a waiting list, tell him to go to an ER.
I wouldn’t use an ultimatum for someone that’s depressed and vulnerable though, especially if he broke up out of guilt. It puts a lot of pressure on him and could very likely lead to more guilt and worsen the depression.
Either you want to be with him or you don’t. If you can’t handle it, imagine being the one with the depression.
And therapy is something you need to choose yourself m, for yourself. Not for someone else. A cceptance is key in getting well.
Very true. He finally accepted a month ago he needs therapy. But he needs it now. And he’s only on a waiting list so who knows how long that will take. I want to be with him but he made it clear he thinks it’s best we’re apart as he can’t give me kids and the life I deserve and he said I should be with someone normal and that has a job and money and can give me the world. Idk if this is just his depression talking or if deep down he just doesn’t want kids. He’s made comments in the past he wants kids but he’s wait another decade if he could and I said well I’m 31 I might not be able to have a kid in a decade. So maybe he just needs to be with a young 20 year old not looking to having a family any time soon. He also is afraid of losing his independence. He also wants condos all over the world. Idk that could be his manic side talking. I’m not sure what to think. I feel like I’ve had mixed signals all along
Absolutely.
When I was suicidal, I felt that if I went through with it, it would have been a relief to those around me because I felt like such a burden that they would've been better off without me, and that the sadness they felt at my loss would be outweighed by the relief at no longer having to put up with me.
Clearly that logic is flawed, and I was projecting my own feelings of low self-worth onto them - no way would they have actually preferred to deal with my death than me being alive, but when you're depressed it's hard to see yourself through others' eyes - you only see yourself through that lens of self-hatred and loathing.
It can become another stick to beat yourself with - the pain and hardship you cause others (whether real or imagined) becomes another reason to hate yourself, and another reason to push people away and isolate yourself. Sadly, it's often the case that no amount of reassurance can win the battle against those insecurities, because these will be dismissed as "You're just being nice" or "You only say that because you don't know the real me..." and it's incredibly hard to overcome that barrier of self-perception.
The only thing I can really say is this: a depressed person is often not an impartial, trustworthy judge of their own character. You wouldn't ask a Nazi for an unbiased opinion of someone that was Jewish (or for that matter, vice versa) because there are factors at play there. Equally, you wouldn't expect a detached, cold, rational view from someone else that hates themselves because they are not a credible witness - they see only a wretch, worthy of hatred and disdain.
So whilst they may dismiss what you say because it is so at odds with their own belief system, all you can do is ask them to trust you; to hear your words and see your actions and trust those more than they trust their own feelings - because it is the voice in their head that is lying to them, not your voice...
That voice whispering in his ear, telling him that he's bad for you and doesn't deserve you is one that you disagree with - and that you are willing to fight against it, but you need his help and support to fight against it too. Tell him you love him (and why you love him!) and how much he means to you and how much you want to hang onto him - and that you're not going to let him push you away because he's letting himself be influenced by that toxic voice whispering in his ear.
That voice is WRONG - just because it always sees the worst in him, that doesn't make it true. He's just suffering from confirmation bias. That voice doesn't know what you think or feel about him, because that's what you are telling him, and he needs to stop listening to it and start listening to you, because you're a much more reliable judge of who he actually is.
Good luck friend
yes. someone with depression may come to a point where they can no longer give anything back to their partner or may feel like a burden to them. It can be for your own good as well. But it would be great if you can stay as a friend to him, especially on his lowest moments
Yeah, i guess. But if you love him, show him, and if he says again that you deserve better than him, say to him that you would stay with him, no matter what. This would help him very much, and make him feel a lot better. Take care of him while he is not feeling okay.
I don't know what to say. Does he watch anime? And if he does, does he feel better when watching a depressing movie or listening to depressing music? If he is like this, i have some suggestions for you
Yeah, this is the type of logic that goes through people dealing with deep depression. You don't want to be an anchor around the necks of your friends and loved ones; when it gets bad you know that it's hard on the people around you and your mind can easily fixate on that and distort it to the point that you're overwhelmed by the feeling of being harmful to someone else, then it's just natural to push them away for their own good. That doesn't mean it's necessarily true, it's just...you know that saving about how drowning men will drag you down if you let them? Well, when you know that you're drowning, sometimes the kindest thing you feel like you can do for someone is to push them away so you can't drag them down. It's really rough, and I'm sorry you've been caught up in it.
Edit: From a personal perspective, this is a major reason I would never get in a relationship with someone. I have someone at work I have some sort of feelings for, and even if I thought it would work (which it wouldn't) and if I thought it was a good idea to date someone at work (which it's not), I can't imagine saddling someone with all my baggage and hurting them. It's not a rational feeling, but it's a strong one that makes a lot of emotional sense.
It's understandable. Many people do not realize this; but if they are not happy, they are unable to make somebody else happy. Then, they look for happiness in the relationship, but it is hard if that is your only source of happiness
Yes his reason is genuine and he is doing his best to care for you.
Yeah it’s a real reason. I considered it with my ex wife but never did. My guilt and depression ate me alive. She eventually left me which made matters worse for me mentally. Not her fault but it still affected me heavily.
Self deleting is all I’ve thought about for the passed 2 months.
It’s definitely a real reason. It’s a shit one when it feels like nothing else is wrong, but if he feels he needs space to heal and minimise pain for you, that’s his journey. Once you sit with it and understand where he’s coming from, it’s actually a very noble and self-aware thing to do, to prioritise his healing and not want to rely on you or drag you into it to impact you as well. Give him the time and space he needs, work on acceptance and happiness of your own. His feelings and mental health are his responsibility, and it sounds like he’s taking it seriously. I’m sorry that’s happened and hope you can come to terms with it xx
I understand you are going through a rough time and looking for awnsers. But i just want to tell you that you are an awesome person and the world needs more people like you. Thank you for being on your husbands side through all of that heartache and please dont blame yourself for what has happened. I wish you all the best going forward.
Any reason is a legitimate reason to dump someone. You can dump someone if you just do t want to be in a relationship anymore. The adult thing to do is to accept their wishes and move on. Do t waste your time by trying to be with someone that decided they don't want to be with you.
I’m sorry you are going through this.
My case may be different but I can relate. I am depressed, with suicidal ideations, and really perform poorly at my job as I have trouble functioning. Everyday I wake up with dread, shame, and guilt for being so incompetent. It came to a point where I decided to bring up resignation to stop being a burden to my company and give them the freedom to find a better suited candidate. That is despite the condition that I have to reimburse my recruitment costs which is roughly 3 months worth of my salary, an amount that I don’t have on hand but was willing to compromise just for the possibility of feeling better and making my co-workers’ lives lighter. I was even prepared to get a loan for it. For me, it was my only way out of the daily cycle of feeling miserable. (I am just grateful that my company is offering me an alternative to accommodate my situation.)
So yeah, I think your bf really believes that you will be better off without him and he wants to stop being a burden to you. But don’t think that it does not hurt him, too. It would be hard if you choose to stay, but he really needs you right now.
I want to stay more than anything. He pushed me away and screamed at me to leave him alone. We live in Boston together and I drove to my parents in nj to give him space. He texted me I can have everything in the apartment and he will pay the cost of breaking the lease. And I said no please I want to work this out and help you. And he said no it’s best for both of us and he’s going to be in the bed for a long time and needs to be alone. And he has no energy and nothing to give me. He kept saying he’s a loser with no job or money and can’t give me a future with kids and a nice house. And I reassured him we don’t need to think of that now I know he’s in a dark place. But he wants to break up :(
My heart breaks for what you two are going through. I just hope that your bf will be able to seek help from health professionals, and accept the hands that extend for him. Please stay strong.
Yes, it is a real reason.
I'm so sorry you're both going through this. I've been where your BF is. I've told my wife several times now that I think she would be better off with someone else, or even alone, than she is stuck with a loser like me. Understand that none of this is your fault. You've done nothing wrong. Your BF still loves you FIERCELY. That's why he's pushing you away. I think the best thing you can do is let him know that you're not going away. That you will still be there whenever he needs you, even if he doesn't want you to be, because you love him.
Update: I think it was a manipulation tactic again on his part because I always crawl back. I told him I want to come back home and help him get better. And said ok but I’m not proposing it’s too much pressure. And I asked will he ever I just want reassurance and commitment like he promised me for the last year, I said I don’t even need a ring I just want to know you have intentions of marrying me and can ask me “will you marry me.” I told him we can put off plans for a wedding and kids for a long time, years even, until he’s better I just want to know I’m his forever. And he said again it’s too much. I told him ok then I think I do need take some of my stuff and move out and he freaked out. He blamed me that he’s going to be up all night now and not able to sleep and said thanks a lot. I feel selfish now but I’m also tired of being blamed and also tired of begging somebody to want to marry me. It shouldn’t be this hard
Sorry to hear that. 😔 Perhaps it would be better for you to take a few steps back.
I’m sorry that happened to you. Depression makes you feel a lot of undeserved guilt. You feel like a burden and think everyone would be better off without you. That’s why isolation is fairly common. I have a girlfriend and I often need a lot of reassurance that i’m not pulling her down.