Is anyone else upset at how "difficult" they are?

Question

I feel like I'm a constant killjoy. And I can barely receive any treatment, because I'm too triggered or too scared of most of them.

People keep suggesting treatments, calming methods or just fun activities, and I say flat out no to 90% of them. It makes me feel so bad.

I don't want to be difficult. I want to get better. I want to be fun to be around. But I just can't help being opposed to or terrified by what people suggest to me. Almost everything people ask me to do try is connected with bad memories, or it triggers bad physical responses. I'm only hanging on by a thread as it is. I can't handle any more on top of that.

in CPTSDby Monarch-Of-Jack

114

99%

15d

SadSickSoul

15d

Yeah. It's a nightmare, like being trapped in your own head as the stubborn, stressed out, hurt part of you takes the wheel and enforces strong boundaries that you never set against things that might help, because it's all too much, it's not going to work, it can't work, it can't, it's too much. I don't know what to do in situations like that or I would share, but it's some of the most infuriating and demoralizing things I feel, like I am living by this severe rulebook I can't even begin to read.

IncindiaryImmersion

15d

Thanks for your articulation of this, at least. Life is fucking ridículous. For what it's worth, I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I'm sorry that we all are.

babykittiesyay

15d

It’s so awful. The only thing that helps me when I’m that wigged out is physicality. Depends what my mood is - punching bags are pretty cheap and a great place to vent the anger and pain. Jumping jacks or burpees are good too, or HIIT (lots on YouTube).

Basically the physical mechanism of our issue is we make too much adrenaline and our cortisol isn’t strong enough to chill it out, but you can burn it off other ways.

I know sometimes the brain stuff is too sticky and there’s no fighting out, but sometimes this helps me so I hope it helps someone else here

PattyIceNY

15d

It's funny you mentioned this because I recently found an old email address.And looked up some of my emails from several years ago.

In one of them , I am apologizing to my soccer team for an anger outbursts that I had. I don't even remember it obviously was big enough for me to have to email somebody. My triggers used to be so bad and so many that I really was almost impossible To hang out with unless I was drunk

okwhateverhon

15d

we do tend to apologize for the least of shits, though, because of the self doubt and low self-esteem.

IncindiaryImmersion

15d

You just described the entirety of the past 20+ years of my life. I stopped drinking for two years, until about an hour ago. It doesn't fucking matter either way. Alcohol and all substance abuse is fucking stupid, but so is "sobriety." Anything that anyone chooses is only ever an attempt to cope with the absurdity of existing.

Kitty-Moo

15d

I feel like this often. Most people mean well enough but don't understand our limitations and pain, to make matters worse many of us have internalized some pretty harmful mindsets. So it's easy for us to believe we're the problem or we're just making excuses because we've been told this often outright in the past.

I'm not trying to be difficult but I do need my needs understood when it comes to finding solutions to my problems.

okwhateverhon

15d

you're not coming off as being difficult. i am struggling with this a lot and hate myself for ending up with the same kind of people i choose to communicate with subconsciously, i feel like a moth drawn to a light source.

may i ask you how you manage to differantiate between knowing when your needs are understood and when you are just lost in the stream of yourself? i would love to hear some personal experience on recognition. kind regards!

Kitty-Moo

14d

Sadly I don't really have any good answers for you, while I can see and relate with the problem clearly. It's one I'm far from solving myself.

broken_door2000

Freeze-Fight

15d

Yep. I genuinely want to be able to relax, connect with people, & have fun but it’s like I am constantly on edge, waiting for something horrible to happen

Leonardodapunchy

15d

People keep suggesting treatments, calming methods or just fun activities, and I say flat out no to 90% of them.

Same here, I don’t want people to cut me off and cast me aside but…I just can’t do it, I cant bring myself to trust anyone ever again. I always feel like everyone is talking trash about me when I’m not there, that they think I’m a joke, and are just waiting for an opportunity to humiliate me for their own amusement.

But if I express this I get chastised and called a narcissist and told how arrogant and full of myself I am. But it was true when I was growing up, for 11 years every person I knew never missed an opportunity to humiliate, mock, invalidate, or insult me.

IncindiaryImmersion

15d

Yes. Yet at the same time what the fuck does anyone expect from a traumatized person with no day-to-day support and constant neglect and abandonment because they're honest about how absurd and shitty everything is?

Yawarundi75

15d

I’m actually a joy to be around… for short amounts of time. Eventually my traumas surface and people prefer to take some distance from me. I’m “too intense” - that’s a phrase I’ve heard a lot. Which kind of ruins my chance at romantic relationships.

Spiritual-Ant839

15d

Only when others decide to make me feel bad about it. I’m allowed to have my unique needs dammit!

Snugglebug_Reborn

15d

Yeah, 'difficult' for some, is lack of willingness to be 'compliant' for others...

Taniwha-blehh

15d

I hear you. Have had similar experiences.

For me, CHOOSING to take the reigns of my healing journey for MYSELF made all the difference - not because people were telling me or what they were telling me to do - but because I made the personal choice to go on this journey, and I did it for me, my way.

Reframing that made it something empowering, and has saved and changed my life and the life of those around me for the better too.

Power to you x

[deleted]

15d

I mainly get bothered when I try to have a normal interaction with people and they're off put and whenever I start to get into some type of mode like Mania or when I get on edge they challenge me or when I ask a basic question they're not comfortable with me they can't seem to answer a basic question like wear something is or if they took care of something that they needed to take care of at a job especially if they're focused on my sexuality and then when I try to explain anything in my life that off puts them like autism they're just very intentionally dismissive.

bryanreyes1001

15d

yes i have no issue maintaining friendships, but when it comes to romantic intimacy or having relationships of that sort i just cannot do it. i am objectively very hard to deal with and i am so painfully aware of it.

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15d

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PANIELAPANIQUE

15d

Definitly

hollsq

15d

Yeah, not always but sometimes. I feel like I can be irrational about some things until I process but I still feel hurt by rejection or feeling slighted.