User deleted post
That’s a really good idea.
Eh compromise for sure. My wife is cool with me traveling solo because she knows I like to do more adrenaline-ish trips — wall climbing, jungle trekking, rappelling etc. Not her thing at all.
Or you know, maybe speak to her about it
Speaking about it, but in a way that you're realizing that you travel different and shouldn't necessarily go on the same trips every time. That's the key.
I'm not taking my wife on my rafting trips. She hates cold water.
Or on hiking trips. She doesn't like hiking.
Some trips you do with them, some trips you do without. It's important to recognize.
But don't expect either party to "change". That's not fair
Yes! Discussing with curiosity not judgement. If the OP comes in with condescending attitude about her preferred method of travel, he won’t get anywhere. Different is not deficient.
She is probably just now posting about how terrible OP is on trips--booking up all their time on endless expensive tours when she prefers to see the real country by hanging out in local coffee shops or people watching in parks. Then, she says, she tries to get on board with OP and buy momentos from the castles and museums they visit on OP's tiresome tours, and she gets scolded and told to buy cheaper stuff not from the site they actually visited but from mass market stores that don't have the same emotional attached.
1000%. This is key. It’s taken me a long time to get comfortable with the fact that my solo trips are selfish, but they are not self-centered. They’re just selfish in the normal way of being a human with your own unique interests, and deserving to experience those interests, without hurting anyone and with the compromise of also doing things the family enjoys. And at the same time, I won’t try to change them when it is a family trip….to the point that I didn’t even want to know how much our extravagant Disney trip cost because I knew I’d enjoy it better not knowing and wouldn’t scrutinize every $12 ice cream cone. And the trade off — my wife & kids are cool with me going on hiking, cycling, and art exploration trips because it’s not their thing and they know I need it.
This exactly. The trips that my spouse and I took when our kids were little were really different than the trips we took as a couple. And the trips we are planning this year, now that our kids our teens, is different again from when they were little.
I've found that the secret to a good trip is to remember that it's ALL of our vacation, not just mine or my husband's, and that the point is to spend time together as a family, and that means compromise. Maybe that means a slightly slower pace than I'd like, or maybe that means fewer cathedrals and museums and more things like music concerts or things like scooter tours that my teens would love.
Talking to her probably won't get her interested in taking tours if that's not her thing.
A cruise is a good idea as she can just relax on the ship and he can go on tours in the cities they visit.
A talk about wasting money on the little trinkets can be had though. No need to buy junk.
Re: Buying trinkets in markets.
Don't buy them the first time you see them. Remember the price and say "I want to get this before we go home" and make it a thing to look for them in other markets.
Don't feel well? OK. Go back to the hotel and rest. Message me when you're feeling better.
I'm up 3 hours before my wife. I'll go for a swim, a walk and get ready for the day. As soon as she's up, it's brekky time!
That's so crazy, it just might work!
Who speaks to their wife on Reddit? No one here communicates. /s
You can’t change her. So this is key. What is surprising is that how come y’all didn’t travel while dating? Maybe travelling isn’t a big part of your life. I find it to be one of the more important aspect of assessing the fit of a relationship. You really get to know if a person is good at managing stress, challenging and unexpected situations, planning, curiosity about life, problem solving etc etc.
Husband and I didn't travel much at all while dating, we were too poor! lol.
Same, the first trip we took together was a few years into the relationship. He's a big ol' stress monster at the airport, so I always make sure to take a look at the terminal maps and figure out how to get from point A to point B in advance, because it seems like navigating new places is a real trigger for his anxiety.
Little compromises! I can't make him un-stressed, so I do a few things to compensate to make it easier on both of us.
Well, people change. I married my partner while on a road trip to Colorado and camping/hiking/off roading in the mountains. We eloped in Denver... I kind of expected "hey, i'm out doorsy" but as we got older, she enjoys the idea of being outside more than the reality of it.
So now, she'll take a trip to do some things with her friends, and I'll go to the mountains and meet my brothers or dad or something and we do a shared trip with more casual adventures.
Been married over 20 years... things change. Sher is showing some interest in being out in the wild again now that the kids are grown.
Yea I've always believe that outside of children and maybe living together, taking a longer trip together as a couple is one of the best relationship tests
I think this is it. Traveling is inherently stressful, even if you really enjoy it. Trips that take out the need to make decisions or interact with vendors much are going to be less stressful.
Be warned though, the pressing for time while on cruise excursions can be a downer. You often get off the boat and get your ride to whatever by 9:30 am or so, get started with anything around 10:30 or 11 because people never seem ready, and then you're finished by 1 or 2 to try and get back to ship by 3 so you don't get left behind with all aboard rings at 4:30. They're often extremely packed/busy and you will have a non stop stream of people trying to get you to buy something everywhere you go.
BUT, with that said, I did enjoy the snorkeling or scuba ones because they vendors don't chase you in the water :D
This is a great idea, but she might be upset if OP plans travel without her.
I mean, they could talk about this arrangement beforehand. It sounds like she doesn't enjoy these trips much either
I bet she enjoys them but she clearly has a much shorter social battery than he does. The challenges of travel exhaust her much faster. I get it.
I don't think it's fair to expect her to just get dragged around miserably exhausted and I don't think it's fair for him to hold back. It's one of those things where a good relationship can tolerate just being apart for a while. I hate concerts but I could still date someone who loved them. Have fun honey! The conflict here is created by that she over extends herself and makes it not fun for him. I wouldn't even try to go to a concert because I'll be cool for a bit but then start complaining about the noise and crowd and not be fun to be around. I don't put myself in positions where I'll bring others down.
If he wants to go on a 6 hour tour and she can only handle 2 they simply should just do separate things. Healthy relationships are made of healthy individuals.
I got struck with a weird jet lag just going from California to Florida. I was dizzy, unwell and had to lay on my bed at hotel for 3 days with my eyes closed. . I thought I had a stroke! That said, she could’ve let OP know she wasn’t into that big of a trip with kids.
It sounds like that’s what they did, but OP is still annoyed by it.
They ended up doing separate things and presumably enjoying it but the problem was they started doing it together when it wasn't a compatible activity.
Reading the second paragraph again makes me think this is rooted in OP being judgy. He thinks less of her when she can't handle the physical stressors of travel and he thinks less of her when she falls for charlatans. Neither would be deal breakers in my book. A little more tolerance and some work arounds are probably in order.
Oh, he’s for sure judgy. I’ll bet he’s no peach to travel with if he’s micromanaging her down to the things she wants to buy and then calling her “unbearable” because she didn’t purchase at the place he deemed acceptable.
Agreed!
Did OP and wife talk about charlatans in tourist spaces prior to travel? Or only on the trip when they are all stressed out?
I feel bad for the kids too; it can’t be fun for them to be in the middle. How old are the kids and what do the kids want to do?
I would bet that OP was more annoyed with the inconsistency, and that if they planned to do different things (and shared parental responsibilities more equitably), then he would be happy with the situation.
Really, the problem is that OP is posting about his problem on the internet, when instead he should just say the things he wrote here to his wife so they can figure out the solution together.
I wonder if she's the primary parent? And kids are asking more from her in "mom mode?" If that were the case, I totally get why she'd want to hang out at the hotel and relax (especially away from the kids!).
I'm gonna guess yes because OP was able to take a solo trip internationally. I bet Mom is exhausted and just wants a fucking break.
“traveling is a lot more fun when i have my wife watch the kids so I can have total freedom at her expense”
Yeah, when does she get her solo trip away from the kids?
I totally agree. The things he’s mentioning are such small things. It seems like they could easily compromise here. We also lack a lot of context. I’m sure if we had the wife’s perspective it might be different.
maybe they travel at the same time, perhaps to the same place, but wife stays at all inclusive while op does their adventure
i would be thrilled if my husband planned a trip that i wasnt interested in AND took the kids. that's a vacation for me too!
exactly!!
This is what I do. I do the all inclusives with my husband and fun/city exploration trips with my girl friends. It's perfect.
My wife and I are in a similar boat, except we are opposite. She wants to walk and explore everywhere everyday, whereas I could spend all day in one neighborhood at a café and maybe visit some shops.
I'd recommend making days that cater to both of your likes. You want to spend a day seeing historical sites? Awesome she should be on board the same way you should be on board if she wants to spend a day just lounging about. Maybe go see a movie, or a show, sit and people watch at a park.
When I build an itinerary I try to have a good mix of busy days and relaxing days. A good rule of thumb is that the day before a travel day should always be relaxing. Don’t overload yourself when you have a long way to go tomorrow. Relax at the pool or do some shopping instead.
When you have a wife that likes to move about, relaxing days turn into busy days (at least busy for me lol). I think she learned that it is better to have a truly relaxing days, as the trip starts to feel like work.
I’m in the boat you’re at. I don’t care about those types of tourists places. My wife will usually book whatever museum or tour for her and I’ll just go to the park with the kid and meet somewhere afterwards and go for a nice walk
This is a very good advice. Also, it looks like OP's wife enjoys shopping while traveling. So, decide on a budget (upper-limit) for shopping, and let her take the lead on wherever she wants to buy stuff within the budget, and even get her to do research and plan the shopping parts of the travel beforehand for best value.
This way, she will have her own piece of initiative and buy-in / stake while traveling, and won't feel like OP is doing everything and she is just agreeing to come along.
and decide on the budget together proactively, not when stressed/ tired/ hungry on the trip itself. Build solutions as a team!
Compromise with my wife is "ok, we are in Sacre Cour, there is Invalides and there is Eiffel. We are going."
Me: o.k. ( hoping she will conk out at mile 6)
Imagine this post from her perspective. "My spouse runs me ragged on vacations and I come back from vacation needing a vacation!".
Some ideas:
Go to the markets first!
If you're tiring her out, do less walking around and use transportation instead.
Break up site seeing with relaxation breaks.,
Instead of grabbing a coffee to go, sit outside at a coffee shop and have a croissant and a beverage while people watching
Book a massage for her
Good thoughts! I’m fortunate that my husband and I have similar travel styles. But recently I’ve had to place a restriction. If we’re onebagging (he prefers and I’m getting on board with it), and going to nice restaurants, I will not be walking 2-3 miles to dinner. I will pack nice skinny sandals and we’ll take a cab. We can walk our legs off in sneakers all day long, and eat at a food stall somewhere if we’re walking to it! Make sure she has the best footwear possible!! Women’s shoes are a hazard at times.
And gosh yessss, so many coffee shop breaks! Nice to sit and see locals, and take a load off!
go to the markets first
Yes! Especially if she’s tired after all the touring. She wants to buy the souvenirs, but she’s already exhausted from the touring so when OP says “we can just buy it at the market” it just sounds like more work and not worth saving a few bucks.
Going first will probably help
I think you need to come after this from a place of non judgment and acceptance.
You see what she is doing as wrong, and as a result, you are getting upset. If she enjoys the trinkets and you both as a couple can afford the trinkets, then you can just see the trinkets as an investment in her happiness instead of judging how she spends money and getting upset as a result.
Her sleeping at the hotel isn't wrong. Maybe she is legitimately exhausted after traveling internationally with kids. Maybe she needs a day to herself. Maybe she'd like a spa day. None of this is wrong. You can simply accept it and enjoy the tours without her. You don't have to see her as an unfun person ruining your trip. You can see her as having different needs.
This is 100% a mindset issue and failing to accept that she is not your clone.
'she is not your clone' I think you have summed that up very well. I know people like this, they moan about their partner constantly as they can not accept that their partner is their own person who has valid likes, dislikes and opinions. I've never understood why but I think you are very right, some people expect a clone!
But don’t you get it, they’re wrong for not liking the same things I like
I absolutely love museums and sightseeing and yours and whatnot, but I also work a stressful job that has me on my feet all day every day. Right now my ideal vacation includes a pool bar and lots of naps.
this is a great response honestly. I can side with OP on the spending money because maybe OP is worried that he can't afford the trinkets? or what he's trying to say is he could take trips like this more frequently if the budget didn't go to $500 worth of trinkets.
The important part is that you have fun on vacation. If his wife is having fun by sleeping and shopping when she's on vacation then the vacation was successful.
Collaborate where you both enjoy it, separate for activities that are not fun.
Don't worry about being perfect in all areas. Accept each other's differences, support each other wherever needed and have fun.
Yeah, my wife understands when my social tank is empty and I just want to be alone
I also understands her tank is bigger and dont get upset when she wants to meet up with people when Im empty.
A partnership is built on understanding each other’s needs and not resenting them for needing different things sometimes
You have never travelled anywhere before getting married?
Isn't that insane? Travelling together is the best way to figure out if someone annoys the hell out of you.
Travelling & going to Ikea are the ultimate partner tests around
I'd also add assembling Ikea! Watching a couple work together to complete a manual task like that can tell you a lot about their dynamic.
It took a few years of marriage (and several arguments) for my wife and I to realize that our brains work completely differently. One of us has to be the primary assembler and the other just hands over tools and parts.
This is the way.
If Ikea is not an option, play Overcooked or assemble a PC together.
Definitely agree with overcooked, I’ve never watched so many couples go from happy to screaming at each other.
Overcooked is the digital equivalent to Monopoly.
'assembling' and 'couple work together' just does not fit in our case.
I know perfectly how things fit together but she will constantly object. I am an engineer and she is a lawyer. Go figure.
Backing a boat down a boat ramp with spouse as spotter is ultimate test.
Hate to bag on OP but this is like, example 500 I’ve seen of a spouse being baffled by behavior that should have been 100% obvious well before marriage.
Also moving and driving cross-country.
road trips are great for team building for a couple. My wife never really learned to drive, had a near accident as a teenager and just simply never tried it again, so I drive, her job is to plan audio books, music, watch for road signs. All the couples counseling in the world has the same value as doing something that actually requires you to work together vs encourages you...now if you want to see who can speed dial a divorce lawyer quicker, download overcooked on the playstation lol
My wife never really learned to drive, had a near accident as a teenager and just simply never tried it again, so I drive, her job is to plan audio books, music, watch for road signs.
I am also this wife and just read to my husband on cross country trips
Have some building work done, that’s the real test!
Along with backing up a trailer, and putting up the Christmas tree.
A contractor told me about when he was getting married, he was also in the process of building his house. The priest suggested they go through the construction/reno together before getting married.
The stress of large projects can put a huge strain on relationships.
Honestly if it's not a huge part of your life, I get it. Even if you love it and the other person is fine, letting you go, alright.
How often does the average even well off family take an international trip? Let's be generous and say twice a year. So maybe three weeks a year they aren't compatible.
I think it's mostly about dealing with your SO when things go wrong, when they lack sleep. People who are just dating and not necessarily living together can learn very quickly all the quirks and habits of the other person. While dating, you only see the facade they want to show you. While travelling, you see their mostly real self.
That's nice and all and I get it, but I also don't think it's "insane" to not have traveled internationally together. I'm sure they've gone on a weekend road trip to a wedding or something that would also give them most of this info. It doesn't necessarily tell you what that person is like after a 12 hour plane ride which most people just aren't going to do that often.
My family never took an international trip, we did theme parks and the gold coast one year otherwise the occasional interstate holiday off peak to quiet areas. With the gold coast my parents were screaming at each other the whole time, we weren't really well off enough to do such a trip.
How often does the average even well off family take an international trip?
once or twice in a lifetime at most. some never.
I would say for a majority of Americans probably never. The whole middle of the country can barely afford to drive a few hundred miles to the beach.
Before you get married you should take an international trip, build a piece of furniture together, paddle a 2 person kayak, and live together for a year. You will probably fight in all of these situations because they are somewhat stressful and require communication, but it will let you know if you can deal with this person when you are both at your worst.
Out of all of these the kayak was by far our biggest fight hahaha
We went ocean kayaking in Hawaii before we got married. Luckily the relationship somehow survived, but I know now why the people who rented it to us call it a divorce boat.
2 person kayak is not for the faint of heart. We argued so much and we crashed into so many things but we made it and even though we were super frustrated we didn't say anything mean to each other and towards the end we actually could actually get the boat in the direction we wanted.
100%!! The ‘2 person, ocean kayak tour while a storm suddenly set in’ day was the day I knew our relationship was ultimately doomed.
we fought so much building Ikea furniture our first year moving in together smh
My best friend just got back from her and her bf’s first international trip.. they immediately broke up lol
Or just learning how to communicate through that. Different traveling styles is not terminal, refusing to figure out how to make vacations work or being accommodating is.
Not everyone is made of money the whole time they are alive.
Amen. This, assembling IKEA furniture, or having to search for a lost item (sunglasses in Costco) are great fodder for seeing how somebody is. Still looking for my travel mate. 😊
After a second date I suggested we book a weekend trip away. That date is now my wife and I'm writing this 8 years later whilst sunbathing together on our rooftop terrace in Sicily. It seemed nuts at the time but it's the best idea I ever had.
I went to Europe when I was 26 for 9 weeks on a solo trip. My husband did an 8 week solo Europe trip a year after me. I met him when I just got back.
The fact that we both did a 2 month solo backpacking trip across Europe in the past 12 months was what really made us bond. We chatted about it for hours.
A couple years into our relationship, we went to Europe (only for 3 weeks, sadly) together. We picked spots neither of us had been, and it was the best trip. I knew it was true love when we didn't have a single disagreement the entire trip, lol.
This year it was colombia, last year it was the philippines. We are currently in the planning phase and are thinking morocco next year.
The fact that we both love to travel and we get along so we'll while traveling is one of my favorite parts about our relationship. We look forward to our trips together all year.
Being compatible while traveling is important, lol.
We mostly took weekend or short week long trips domestically because it was all we could afford. Wasn’t until last year that we reached the point where we could afford multi-week international trips.
User deleted comment
27d
To be fair, a lot of couples who met in 2019 and 2020 really didn't have much opportunity for travel in the first 2-3 years of the relationship depending on how seriously they took covid.
People change. Even if you travelled young, throw a few years of marriage or raising a family into the mix and people's enjoyment or passions change
Our first trip together was 2 weeks camping in Colorado and we had so much rain, even floods! We spent a lot of time in a tiny tent playing travel Scrabble. We still love camping and traveling together after 43 years.
Unless travel is a major part of your life, why would that be a dealbreaker? Most people will end up woefully disappointed if they need their significant other to be a perfect match for them in every way
Because travel will highlight issues that exist in normal life.
I highly doubt the issues only exist on trips, but the trip has given them more free time to experience who they really are.
When they're both busy with daily life the issues probably get ignored
It's not that you need to be a "perfect match" it's that you need to have excellent conflict resolution skills and communication. Discovering that you're misaligned on travel preferences/expectations and then working out a resolution to that conflict is what is important. You don't have to "match" you just have to get along and cooperate.
Lots of people are younger when they get married, and at that point in their lives may not have had the money for trips. Or could only afford short getaways where these differences weren't as apparent.
Or their tastes and interests changed - I know people who just didn't develop a big interest in travel until later in life and people who lost interest in travel as they got older.
For that matter, a lot of things about a person can change over time, so a person may be a good travel partner at one point and then not so much later.
Traveling is expensive! I'm shocked the number of people who went traveling while single.
You guys must live in Europe or something!
You say you find travel with her unbearable. Do you think she's having a good time travelling with you? Sounds like you push her to do a bunch of stuff she doesn't want to do, then complain at her for spoiling it.
All relationships are about tradeoffs. Frankly, it doesn't sound to me like you are doing much trading off and just expecting your partner to facilitate *your* idea of a good holiday.
You like tours, your partner doesn't. You take her on a tour and she doesn't enjoy it. Well, what did you expect? She clearly doesn't like saying no to pushy hawkers. You take her somewhere with pushy hawkers and she struggles to say no. Again, what did you expect?
It's totally ok to like different things in travel. I love nice weather, nice food, sitting by a pool and sipping a cocktail, having a chance to read a good book without having to do all the chores around the house etc. My partner hates going on a holiday without activity and wants to be walking, jet skiiing, cooking nice food *herself*. I love visiting historical sites. She couldn't give a shit. She LOVES very swanky restaurants with tasting menus. I'd rather have a big ass steak with no sophistication. So we talk about what we both want and need in a holiday and make tradeoffs and allowances for each other. We find stuff that lets us do a bit of both, and we understand the places where we are doing things for each other (she visits a castle with me, I eat a tasking menu with her etc).
In your post you don't say *anything* about what your partner likes. What does she want in a holiday? If she's sleeping for hours she sounds exhausted? Maybe what she wants in a holiday is a rest whilst what you want is an adventure? If so, what on Earth are you doing complaining that she's spoiling your adventure when you are spoiling her rest?
Talk about what you both want. Compromise. It's ok if you go somewhere with both rest and local sites of interest and you take the kids on a tour and she stays and relaxes. It's ok if you go on a shorter holiday together, and then use some of the money for you both to do things with friends that the other doesn't enjoy.
But for goodness sake have a conversation about what you both want and actually put her needs into the discussion.
Thank you! It should never be you vs your partner, that's how you tank your connection.
She's not categorically and objectively "not fun to travel with," their travels together aren't fun right now. I could bet money she's not happy either and I'd be so hurt if I were her and saw how he talked about me.
I'm single and childfree because I don't want to make sacrifices for someone else at the moment, but when you're a family, you've chosen to take on that responsibility and have got to figure it out together.
No notes. That was perfect.
This is great perspective. If I’m forced to do 100% of what someone else wants to do I kind of shrivel up and become worse unintentionally.
Bang on
And I want to add to this: Why not doing just both? For example if you have 3 weeks. Then do 2 weeks exploring and 1 week relaxing in an All-Inclusive hotel and everybody is happy
I completely agree. This is a perfect example of a compromise that I think a healthy couple would come to. With the caveat that if there is something that would make my wife actively uncomfortable (e.g. going to a market with a bunch of aggressive hawkers), I wouldn't do it, even if it would have been fun for me.
In your post you don't say anything about what your partner likes. What does she want in a holiday? If she's sleeping for hours she sounds exhausted? Maybe what she wants in a holiday is a rest whilst what you want is an adventure? If so, what on Earth are you doing complaining that she's spoiling your adventure when you are spoiling her rest?
I had this same thought. My body HATES when I travel. I get motion AND altitude sickness. I need at least a day to rest and realign myself.
Yup, this is the same for my wife and me. She wants to "go go go" while I want to "no no no." We found that compromising and doing things she likes and doing things I like makes for a way better experience. What's great is I get to see and experience things I normally never get to, and she gets to relax and unwind. Sometimes we'll even split up for a few hours so I can have a drink or five on the beach while she visits Dante's tomb, for example.
In your post you don't say anything about what your partner likes. What does she want in a holiday?
I don't want to be that guy in every other reddit post 'reaching' but OP seems like he doesn't listen to his partner enough
I’m wondering if his wife is thrilled he is taking the kids out and she gets to stay at the hotel.
I bet she’s burnout from doing all the childcare and carrying the mental load on f the household so when she is on vacation she just wants rest
Reminds me of my mom growing up. I’d always get on her about sleeping an entire vacation away! We’d head out in the morning and come back late afternoon and the blinds would still be drawn with her in bed.
As an adult, I realize she was just exhausted. Vacation meant time to rest after taking care of four kids 24/7.
💯 I bet she’s thrilled that he takes the kids on excursions and she gets to have the hotel room to herself for some peace and quiet.
You sound like an amazing husband. And I totally agree with all you have written. My boyfriend and I are completely different travelers. I love tropical vacations and the beach. He loves adventurous vacations and hates the beach lol. He’s also a Germaphobe and extremely particular about hotels while I could not give a damn about either lol We compromise every trip. I sacrifice for him and he sacrifices for me. And we always have a wonderful time.
Exactly. I’ve learned that my husband really does not enjoy having a rental car on vacation because it adds a lot of unnecessary stress for him. After learning this, I book cities as our hub so we don’t need a car and we can take trains or do day tours if we want to without the stress of a rental car for him. It made the trip 1000x more enjoyable for him than prior trips with rental cars.
Category: a bit harsh, but I 100% agree.
Category: this should have been a post on relationship advice. But at least this way you don’t have buckets of adultery accusations and divorce requests lol
Should post it on AITA for the most randomest of theories and accusations lmao
Ah well, I take the principle that feedback is a gift. If OP doesn't want to hear the message I doubt my harshness or not will be the deciding factor...
I didn’t see any harshness at all interestingly enough, I saw you taking the facts presented by op and drawing conclusions and asking appropriate questions for op to reflect on. What particularly was harsh about it? Op is asking for advice and you gave clear tangible actions to take.
I think society as a whole has a problem with clear direct communication bc they would rather sugar coat everything before they say it which often either changes the whole point trying to be made or it gets lost in word salads of “don’t be offended but…”
Thank you! That's reassuring as I didn't want to come across as rude, but felt like certain feedback needed to land that was best said clearly
There's nothing at all harsh in your reply.
Constructive criticism is a good thing.
Dang , this hits home. I spent most of my life sugar coating and trying not to offend anybody. I actually nicknamed myself Ms. POLR- Path of Least Resistance. It ultimately made me an angry and resentful person. I would like to claim that I had some grand awakening and self awareness moment. But it took several traumatic and tragic events to deplete my give- a- damns about anything. Now, while I am not rude or mean, I just don’t have the ability to make the grand sugar coating efforts. Freeing in so many ways.
it was not harsh. You pointed out valid points without insulting anyone. It was direct as in you werent sugar-cushioning your message (which is not needed actually).
best response in thread
I think there’s a lack of communication between Op and his wife. As you said that relationships are about tradeoffs. But is Op’s wife even communicating with Op about what she would like to do? Or does she just agree with what Op suggests without saying anything. My mom is the same in that she’ll agree to do something but then halfway blame me for any inconvenience
I think there’s a lack of communication between Op and his wife.
And OP and this post. Not a single comment or reply after this long post asking for advice.
Makes me wonder if top comments had been dragging his wife, would he have responded then
User deleted comment
27d
By far the best response on this thread and the most conducive to maintaining an good marriage
for real, tours fucking suck. It's such a specific mindset, and specific organization of having to rush to meet specific times and deadlines, and get carted around to certain places, and then get dumped at whatever venue is giving the best kickbacks to the tour company, and then end up somewhere else. Like, sure it's neat once or twice to see some special stuff but after that the whole process gets unbelievably tiresome, especially as they usually start dead early and are relentless until quite late.
My wife is an excellent traveler, but just doesn't enjoy traveling as much as I do. So, I will sometimes stay on a couple of days longer on our trips. The days she is there, we can see what she likes to see, and then I can do what I want once she goes home. I have also done trips with one of my kids without her - just got back from two weeks in Europe with one of my kids. I also solo travel. For some challenging adventure travel to Belize, I did some hard excursions with my older kids, while my wife took the younger kid on something less challenging (all staying together at the same jungle hotel.)
I have a friend whose wife doesn't have as much energy for travel as he has, so he books hotels near the city centers, so that his wife can nap while he travels.
In some ways, I'm similar to you - but it's just a different attitude - I love the time I spend traveling with my wife, but neither of us have an expectation that we will do everything together.
We make sure to get an international phone plan for both of our phones - so that we can split up, and travel separately, but keep in touch and get back together when we want to.
I think you just have to make sure the finances and time to yourself also add up in that case. I've seen relationships where one partner is doing heli-skiiing, golf trips, etc. and gobbling up resources so the other partner feels like they don't have room or time to travel. Always a take-give factor in relationships so as long as the maths adds up for a solo trip!
I also have some different ideas about travel/vacation/relaxing than my wife so I 100% agree with all the comments that it's very possible to compromise so you both enjoy something when you travel.
Seems like a pretty simple fix to me.
Go do your adventures, bring the kids, and send her off to the spa
Maybe she needs a break from you and the kids
Have you talked to your wife about it??
My SO and I are very different when it comes to travelling so we just make compromises when we travel together.
I like eating out and he prefers to eat in so if we eat out at lunch, we'll cook dinner back at the Airbnb or get takeaway.
He's not a big fan of museums and art galleries etc so if he comes with me, I try to not spend like more than an hour and a half there or he comes for like 30 mins and then just does his own thing and we meet later.
At the end of the day it all worked out because we talked about it a lot and how we can make it work cos we love each other. So the first step would be to talk to your wife about it and see what she thinks :)
Couple of questions: How old are your kids? How much do you help your wife wrangle them while on vacation? If she doesn't even want to take a vacation any more because it is "too hard with the kids," maybe you're not stepping up enough. Maybe she is too exhausted to enjoy the experience.
How have you tried to compromise so she gets the type of vacation SHE likes? Do you even know what that would look like? Is she a "relax with a good book" traveler? Have you had her plan a trip instead of pushing your agenda? Have you communicated clearly, without anger, judgment, or passive aggressive behavior what your travel desires are and asked for her input on how to best have a vacation you both enjoy?
You said you took a solo trip and loved it. Have you encouraged your wife to take a solo trip while YOU stay home with the kids?
Regarding the souvenirs: maybe she is an impulse shopper. Maybe she doesn't want to chance not finding that particular item again. Maybe she feels uncomfortable saying no. Maybe she doesn't mind paying more because she recognizes the wealth disparity between your family and the vendors'. If you can afford it - and it sounds like you can- and overpaying for souvenirs doesn't bother your wife, let it go.
You don’t sound very fun to travel with, either.
I gasped at the third paragraph. So true.
100 % this.
So why does each of you spend the day suffering from the other's style rather than enjoying it individually, after all you're married not Siamese twins. Talk honestly and wander solely sounds like the answer.
Maybe she's a tired and overworked mum who wants to relax instead of touring around dodgy archaeological sites being pressured by hawkers and find the pea men.
Doesn't sound like her/her feelings are being factored in to your choices.
“How do I get my wife to be how I want her to be on trips”
You dont
Just travel alone if your significant other doesn't wanna?
It's okay to want different things. Not everything has to be shared passions, my friend!
While this is true, my cousin did this for a few years and now has a new wife who loves to travel 🤣
Wow, that must have been pretty sad for his first wife.
Actually they left on really good terms. He was gone every chance he had, they’d kinda grown apart in their 50s. Sometimes divorce is just a natural progression for people who have become different over time. He’s also kinda insufferable so she’s likely more happy
“He’s also kinda insufferable” 😂😂😂 that made me cackle. Yeah, that makes sense. Well, then she’s honestly likely more happy. 😃
The thing is, people like that usually actively want to travel.
We're not your therapists
I guess an important question is how does she feel about traveling with you? Have you asked her? And how did she feel about you doing your own thing?
Kinda a dick move to talk about your girl like this. Just be happy to spend time with her and make memories rather than moan about her on Reddit.
Agreed. Some people would be just grateful that they have a wife to take holidays with. She's not even doing anything wrong, just having different interests to her husband which I would think is normal.
OP is spending their vacation bitching about their wife to reddit.
No wonder she needs a break
I generally agree. I enjoy reading about other people's drama, but so often I read posts, and the answer is usually: sit down and talk about it like adults.
Like, my husband and I aren't perfect, but he is also my best friend, and I genuinely want to solve problems together with him. I cannot imagine going to reddit to get stranger's opinions about our problems.
Blows my mind.
When you're not traveling, what are her interests? Art? History? Design? Music? Theater? Literature? Science? Engineering? Fashion? Architecture? If she were to tailor-make a trip, what would she choose to do? And where? For how long?
One of my dad's favourite things to do when travelling with my mum is watch her get scammed for trinkets. His favourite hat is one she bought him for 10x its value in Bali. He thinks it's hilarious.
They're helping the local economy while taking up space in their city.
OP is just being a judgemental ass
What I am reading is that it's actually you who is a pain in the ass to travel with.
Some people just want to kick back and enjoy margaritas on the beach doing absolutely nothing. And that is perfectly alright, because it's also their vacation.
so go by yourself, but don't forget to invite her, in case she feels like exploring.
Taking trips with friends is a great way to navigate this.
People will do their own thing during the day and everyone meets up for dinner and drinks later to talk about what they got up to
I don’t get it. You say that you loved travelling solo recently, but you don’t like the vacation with your wife when you have to go solo with the kids on excursions. Does that mean that you don’t like also taking care of your kids on vacation? Because that’s the only difference. In both cases your wife isn’t there.
Yeah, does he expect the wife to manage the kids while he has fun?
First off it sounds like your and hers idea of a couple or family vacation is different. Like some Redditors have noted from her perspective’s you are probably not fun to travel with, because you are always go, go, go.
It also seems like you’re the planner who decides where and what kind trip/vacation to do. So, do a reset. Ask her what’s her idea of fun vacation. Then plan one that balances what’s interesting for the both you. Negotiate, what time you spend together doing things and what things you do alone. If she wants to just hangout at the hotel or have a lazy morning doing nothing then that’s okay. Also, talk about/plan how much time each of you is willing/wanting to do certain things - e.g. when to call time out for the day. One last thing don’t jam so much into a day there’s no down time to sit and relax.
You can also plan separate vacations. Maybe she is more into group tour vacations where she can meet fellow travelers with the same interests. If you can do those types of tours with her that could take some of the pressure/anxiety off you to get out and do.
Finally, just agree how much cash each of you is allotted to spend. Then she can spend her share on whatever she wants. Once she exhausts her allocation she can’t spend anymore.
If she’s unwell look after her. If she’s being taken advantage of protect her. If she needs help help her. These all sound like you problems with all respect. If you don’t love her or have bigger issues then that’s another story. Life goes fast.
Unfortunately I’m not as fun to travel with since my health took a down turn. Once, in Paris, I fell asleep standing up in a museum and then also fell asleep at dinner on New Years Eve. We still had a great trip but being unwell sucks the life out of everything. See if you can find ways to modify your travel and also put limits on how much to spend on trinkets. Continue to take some solo trips to fill your bucket.
oh cmon, if she's not feeling well during a trip obviously she would prefer to stay in instead of going out. Unfortunate situation but totally understandable.
As for the second situation, I've noticed this in people who does not travel as much. My gf does that a lot too when we first started traveling but I've come to realize that the value of the items she buy is not just the item itself, but also the whole purchasing experience in a foreign environment. If it makes her happy and you guys only travel occasionally, I'll just let it be. No need to dampen the whole spirit.
You leave the spouse behind that is all. Travel together to places that make sense and the adventure type ones alone.
Maybe she thinks you’re too much? Maybe she just wanna chill. That’s ok, different strokes.
She likes to buy from the hawkers. It's part of her experience. Why can't you let her enjoy that?
Also why are you complaining that you have to do things alone cause she's in the hotel room, when you'd rather do things alone? Sounds like you get the best of both worlds when she goes.
Maybe you just don't like your wife. Or maybe you just need to talk more. It's ok to enjoy your days seperately. And your wife needs to know that too. I got sick on a cruise. My wife had a wonderful day and I thought that was great. Quit worrying about what your wife is doing and how she spends her vacation. She can spend it how she likes
Is she the one who stays home with the kids? Does she do most of the packing and "thinking" before a trip? If these are true, you might be the problem. She's probably simply exhausted and needs a damn break.
Use your big boy words and communicate
Apparently, the TRAVELLER and the HOLIDAYER/VACATION type people always end up marrying each other.
So the question is, why not do your own things on vacation? Vacation doesn't mean you have to be glued at the hip. You all can be on vacation together and do your own things.
I'm an explorer, my wife is a shopper, late sleeper. While she's sleeping in or laying around reading I'm exploring usually with an eye on something we both enjoy doing for later.
Seems like an easy fix, just fuck her dad.
This is not a travel related topic.
You need r/relationshipadvice
Damn, sounds like you should have done this before marrying her
How booked are your vacations? Are planning multiple excursions in one day that are exhausting and just going from place to place without any downtime?
Where are you traveling? Does she get bad jet lag and you are not giving her enough time to overcome it? Is she sleeping on the plane or is she taking care of the kids and now she’s playing catch up.
Also, it’s summer. Is it hot where you are traveling? The heat can really wear people down. I was in Dubai recently and was only able to do 1/2 day tours because the heat was sapping my energy.
What is her job at home? Is she burnt out? If she is maybe going on a vacation with a ton of excursions isn’t her idea of a good time. Maybe she just wants to lay by the ocean/pool and read a book. Maybe she’s over scheduled in her real life and going to 5 historical sites in a day is too much.
Just don’t be the couples who are constantly fighting while on vacation. I saw a surprising amount of that while at Krabi around Christmas and New Years.
It was bizarre because we kept bumping into different couples from entirely different regions of the world having vocal spats in public places. All in Krabi. 😆
So maybe she doesn't like the same things as you, that's allowed. Try asking what she enjoys and compromise.
My wife and I also travel differently.
I used to pack a day or so before I left. She waits until 7pm the night before to start packing.
My wife and I have somewhat similar issue. I realized early on that we have very different travel/vacation styles. Her preferred vacation is to a tropical destination with a lot of beach time and focus on relaxation. I prefer more active vacations like skiing and historical destinations. As others have said the key is compromise. Have a conversation about it for starters and acknowledge that you have different preferences. Ultimately you’ll find some common ground that you both enjoy. In my case, we’ve found that we both enjoy getting off the beaten path and finding more “authentic” experiences. In her case it’s authentic food, in my case it’s more of exploring away from touristy areas.
It took me a couple of years to learn how to relax and just lay on a beach somewhere. But it can be done. At the same time, she’s learned that I want to “check off boxes” and see the world. Now we do a little of both. We will alternate destinations (depending upon how much time we have) between a relaxed and more sightseeing type. In some cases, we’ll book a trip that suits both of us and it’s worked really well. We just returned a week ago or so from Italy where we spent the first 9 days with a tour group where we checked off a lot of boxes. (I’ve always hated the ideas of tours but they work for us). The structure keeps us moving and out of bed early in the morning. The last week we finished in Rome at a hotel with a beautiful rooftop pool. We moved at a more relaxed pace. A couple days I went out on my own to see some things she wasn’t interested in while she chilled at the pool. We spent time together exploring the city and finding restaurants she liked as well. The more relaxed pace at the end allowed us both to return feeling refreshed and satisfied with the trip. We’ve used this structure a couple of times now and it has made travel much more enjoyable for both of us.
See…this is what I don’t get about couples. Communicate these things with each other. Also, I (31f) do a lot of things my wife (34f) wants to do even if I don’t like them because…guess what…she freaking likes to do those things and that in and of itself is enough to make me want to do those things with her. I love my wife and her happiness is important. Just as she does things I like and she doesn’t. Because once you remove the whole mindset of me me me and start realizing you’re a damn pair, couple, partners, etc. it’s not just you anymore. For example, she loves concerts and I don’t as much because I have GAD as well as claustrophobia, and I loathe being touched by random people who push you around the whole time. But seeing her happy is enough to make me have a good time. Another example, I like rap (good rap from 90s-00s) and she doesn’t but she will listen to it with me cause I enjoy it. I don’t get why it’s so hard for couples to do that for each other. Like is it even love at that point or settling? For reference, we have been together for 10 years.
Anyone on reddit complaining about their spouse should not have a spouse ever
divorce
I think you need to realize your wife, as a woman, is targeted harder on those “markets” than you are. Sounds like she likes to shop, are you making time for that, or things that give her energy? The solution still might be to not go on trips with her like that but it sounds like she’s trying to hang (maybe not trying as hard anymore), and could use some activities or adventures that are geared towards whatever fills her cup.
This is so lame. Have you tried…having a conversation?
My guess is you don't like her much under any conditions.
Same problem I'm having. She want to sleep, her head hurts, she's tired, the sun too hot, water too wet
I'm genuinely curious how old your kids are, and if you or your wife are the primary "kid wrangler".
Separate vacations.
Sounds like your spouse enjoys relaxing vacations while you enjoy adventurous travel. Compromise and switch off which kind of trip you take each time
Realize that it takes two to tango and you are exhausting her by insisting that you set the pace and its not your problem if people don't like it...If anything maybe talk to her and ask her what she would like to do and find a middle ground?
I know it’s too little too late for this but my advice to anyone dating someone looking to get married is always: travel together first! It gives you a really good sense of how you’ll adapt, plan, budget, enjoy time, and sometimes make fast-paced or emergency decisions together. I’m you in this situation: When I travel I like to go everywhere, see everything, try every food, so someone who just wants to sit around, sleep, or shop would completely ruin the experience for me. Maybe you two could strike a balance where you get one solo trip / trip with friends a year and she gets her own version of that or a week staycation to do whatever she wants. Sorry you’re not travel compatible but in time who knows, maybe you can find a happy medium. For now though, I’d say do your own travels and enjoy every minute!
You both like different things but that doesn’t need to be a deal breaker!! Do trade offs and commit to it with your whole heart. Couple of days we explore, and the next day we completely rest. Book her a spa treatment on the off day, rest and chill with her! Or it could be this trip we are exploring, walking around but next is a resort type, by the pool side type trip.
Make it a bit more polished and rewarding for her to start with and then you will get into the rhythm. And also when you explore, try and do something that she might like too, like ‘let’s drop into a gift shop in the end’… or something similar to her taste.
But it’s also nothing wrong in both of you choosing to do own type of activities too!
best thing to do before you get married is take a 2 week road trip together in a tent! then live together for a while. ... also not very nice to write this about your spouse :(
Have an honest conversation with her. Speak from a place describing your own feelings about it, try to avoid accusatory language and do your best to be empathetic to her side as well.
Any relationship will experience difficulties or differences along the way. A relationship that lasts is one that can have an honest, good faith discussion when a problem shows itself.
Take her and the kids to cruises, all inclusive resorts and beaches. Go alone on adventurous trips, hopefully your kids like them so you can take the kids.
Compromise is the key.