I (37F) own my own house, have some savings and a retirement fund. I've made sure to live within my means and save to have a good life. My boyfriend (43M) doesn't own a property or have stable employment. He's in $75k credit card debt and has no savings at all. He's been in debt his whole life and doesnt see it as a problem. He wants to get married soon and I told him I will get married once his debts are paid. Is this unreasonable of me?
AITA for asking my boyfriend to pay his debts before we get married?
IKR
Even if the debt miraculously disappears, he will soon have another one.
This is not a 2k debt because he bought a car or something. It's a crazy debt.
I got into about 20k credit card debt once after admittedly some bad decisions but also I funded an emergency household move across the country for 3 people, followed by 2 of us losing our jobs during Covid.
That said, as soon as I was able I started paying it down, and didn’t view it as an okay situation to live with indefinitely.
That's about how much debt I have 23K and I lose sleep .I have multiple side gigs to pay down debt Ali can't fathom triple the debt at all.
Yeah, 75k without a killer job? Imo time to file bankruptcy.
Actually quit paying the cards and if you have money stashed on the side you do a settle for less settlement.Just a blip on the system the greedy banks will be mailing card offers no later than 6 months from them
Yeah but for 75k even the settlement won’t be chump change and it’ll still hurt your credit. Bankruptcy may be better, I’d look at both options.
At 75k debt, no stable work... bankruptcy would probably help his credit at this point. Unless he was to have a radical life style change and suddenly be able to pay off 75k in under ten years. At which point, this post would be moot.
Plus, that much debt at 43 years old... I doubt he cares about his credit at this point.
Banks are greedy and they know at the end of t he day if they sell the debt to collections their getting penny on the dollars and even the hassles of it.Where as collecting right a way is better to them.
Sure. I’d just explore your options. Negotiate the best settlement the company will give you, then talk to a bankruptcy attorney, and go with whichever one is cheaper.
I worked as a loan officer.
So many people who just said “fuck it” when the were younger and stopped paying their CCs.
Settled / waited for the charge off to fall off their report.
I don’t blame them.
It's pretty crappy to charge $75K and then try to get out of paying it.
Not really , do you know why the bankruptcy laws were rewritten to prevent you from claiming another bankruptcy ina certain amount of time .Because of well off people. Its well known in the past they would run up credit debt on crazy manmers.claim bankruptcy rinse amd repeat. These folks already had money and knew how to use the system.
If Trump can claim 5 bankruptcy and this country thinks he brilliant and elects him and dont call him a dead beat then the dude can shell out of 75k debt also IMO. Its funny when average American does this we call him a dead beat when a business does it we think their ok god figure
100 percent the banks that loaned that money can and do take any opportunity to not pay whenever possible.
Fuck em.
We can't know what it's from though. $75k in medical debt can show up from a week in the hospital or from one dumb car loan.
I largely agree, but it also depends on how long it took to get to that point and how much of it is now from accumulated interest. Also depends on what it was used for over X amount of time. If it was food, transportation, housing, and/or technology to get himself through school I'd be a lot less judgemental than if it was from funding nights out, partying, flashy toys, and/or buying name brand clothing to impress people for the wrong reasons.
Completely agree. As do most ppl.
So why don't we hold our politicians to the same standard?
At 75k you will be sued multiple times.
But the never having had stable employment? He'd just be back in that situation in 10 years. Only this time he'd drag her with him.
I have about 5k and it chews at me. I got $20k in after a bad manic episode once and the sheer panic that ensued was terrible.
I have 10k debt and I thought that was really high lol.
I get nervous when my debt hits four figures! $75k is absolutely unimaginable to me.
When I graduated college back in the early 90s, I had 40k of student loan debt. The worst I've ever had was 12k in credit card debt which I eventually paid off.
75k of credit card debt should be ringing massive alarm Bells for OP. That's living far beyond your means.
I went to university in New Zealand and came away with about $25k in student loans. Didn't bother me while I was still living there, because it's interest-free while you're still in the country, with no repayments until you earn over a certain amount, and those repayments automatically come out of your pay. As soon as I moved overseas, though - you get a six month grace period and then immediately start accruing interest and having to manually make payments of $1,000 twice a year.
When I put all the numbers into their online calculator with minimum repayments it basically said "you're never gonna pay this off lmao" i.e. I would spend most of my working life just keeping up with the interest until such time as I'd been making repayments for 20 years straight, at which point they write off the rest of the debt on the grounds that your degree clearly didn't do you any good if you never got a decent enough job to be able to pay for it.
until such time as I'd been making repayments for 20 years straight, at which point they write off the rest of the debt on the grounds that your degree clearly didn't do you any good if you never got a decent enough job to be able to pay for it.
Wow, that's a really citizen-friendly way to approach this.
In the USA they'll chase you for student loan debt to your grave. They even made it unclearable by bankrupcy 🤦♂️
Lol hes a moondog absolutely doesnt probably even bug him.You dont gain that amd actually caring about the card company .
I racked up debt when I was a single dad with 3 kids paying a nanny and alimony.
When the alimony stopped and the kids were old enough to not need a nanny I paid it off. Took almost 5 years.
But you had a reason for the debt and a plan to pay it off. That’s called being responsible.
You put your kids first so you are a great dad!
His money/debt management habits are horrible, but you can change especially with the right partner. I wasn't a 40 year old in massive debt, but I was very financially irresponsible until about 25 when I met my now Fiancee. She kind of motivated me and got my on the right track.
Edit: because apparently everyone thinks I’m saying to just marry him, I’m just saying he can change. We don’t know any other details of their relationship, why he’s in debt, what he makes etc.
can change especially with the right partner
And often they don't change. Also, OP shouldn't be a guinea pig to see if he does.
Also, you were 25 and this guy is already 43. Very different situation
OP please, please don’t marry him!
He wants you to take care of him & make you responsible for his debts!
I know from experience- I learned the hard way!
It’s a mindset some people have!
Let’s look at this objectively:
1). He has no stable employment.
This will NOT change.
Which means he will never contribute financially to your relationship.
And his debt will never be able to get paid off!
2). He has a credit card debt of $75,000! That is massive!
And irresponsible!
People that do that have no conscience! They just spend without caring, and without any intention of ever paying it off! Once they max their cards it out- they open new credit cards!
3). He has no savings… he feels no need because it goes along with the irresponsible attitude of # 2 !!
If you stay with this guy- he will only use & take advantage of you- leaving you angry & miserable for the rest of your life! 😞😢
PLEASE do not set yourself up for a life of misery!
Don’t you think, your stable job, house you worked hard for, savings & retirement & you being a hard worker is a lot of the appeal for him to want to hurry & marry you?
He wants to snatch you up before someone else does, &before you have time to become strong & see the big picture!
He’s just likes car salesman- he’s putting the pressure on & he doesn’t want to give you time to think logically & say no.
Sweetie- he just wants to get you trapped into a life where you work hard, live frugally & responsibly, while he (maybe) gets short term jobs that never seem to last (always excuses) and he spends & buys whatever he wants- living a life of security- while you’re slaving away!
Op PLEASE Dump this dead weight- there are THOUSANDS of great guys out there!
He may “be nice” - but he’s not one!
Best advice above op. Throwing your life's work away, ane emptying all accounts is far too expensive a price tag, just to become a 'Mrs'. Nta
And debt he incurs while married to you becomes your responsibility to payoff. Run away from this guy!!
Change first, then marriage
"I can fix him!!!!" /s
Terrible gamble for her to sign herself to a wasteman hoping he will magically change and not just continue to be a wasteman and sabotage the relationship with his terrible spending habits, though.
he wouldn’t sabotage just the relationship…. her credit, her retirement, her ….everything.
and then the debt becomes hers when she has to divorce him in self-defense. yuck.
You shouldn’t marry someone because you hope they’ll change
Ugh. It’s not on your partner to help you grow up, or save you. This guy is floundering, and she’s going to be his life saver. NTA, but please reconsider marrying yourself to this mess.
That's all well and good for you, but women aren't rehabilitation centres for men.
She’s his retirement plan. That’s the change. 😂
Yep… I wouldn’t even let him move into my house to be honest…
Exactly. She'll have a hard time getting rid of the leech
Hobosexual strikes again
This. 75k is a HUGE amount and he’ll be paying a crapload of interest on it but still doesn’t care about it?
Doesn’t scream “suddenly gonna become financially responsible”.
At an 18% average interest rate (figuring they could range between 13% and 24%), that would be $13,500/year in interest. There's no way you want to bring that into your world.
I ow 75k... if you count student loans and a car note. Having 75k in just credit card debt without stable employment is insane to me.
Yep. You might want to rethink marriage, OP. You're clearly getting something out of this relationship, so don't screw it up by mingling assets. Have a talk with him about your financial values, and how they don't match, but you still love him and want to be with him. You should "marry" the parts of you that match, and keep the parts of you that clash separate.
This is it! If she wants the relationship she shouldn't marry him. Let him carry his debt and have his bad credit rating. He will tank her finances if they are joined so she needs to keep them separate.
Shes going to be the one paying for everything they want in life. it's just not good.
Op this will be a recurring theme. Prepare yourself for the eventual joint accounts.
People do NOT have to get joint accounts, and majority probably shouldn't.
Correct....we have three accounts.
His/hers/house account. Our paycheques go to our own accounts.
We set up automated transfers to the house account based on what is needed. This is weighted as one of us makes more than the other.
This way bills are paid and we both have our own fun money to do with what we like.
This is my favorite method for handling things.
You don't have to, but he may want to. Op needs to be prepared to be pressured into signing jointly
I'd leave so fast. I told my current wife that I would never do joint finances, and I would sooner leave. Did the same with my first wife, and it stopped me from losing everything and paying for her brand new car when she ran off to join a poly relationship.
Most probably shouldn’t but why would anyone marry someone they don’t want to share accounts with????
He’ll never pay back that 75k. The interest on that must be staggering.
In thinking about it more, I'd be surprised if it has not gone to some collections agency yet. Maybe he's just paying a minimum balance every month? But even that is outrageous.
You can't marry someone with no job and 75k in cc debt.
"I can change him". Lol, no, you can't.
Adding on to this, you need to rethink this relationship. He isn’t a teenager; he will not change. He will continue to spend his money as well as yours. He will apply for new credit cards based upon access to your money. In fact, he can obtain new credit cards with you listed on the account, but you will never know until you finally wind up on the verge of bankruptcy. Even if you make him sign a prenup, in some states you are still liable for his debt when you divorce. If you do remain married and he predeceases you, you will be responsible for any debt that is in your name whether or not you knew about the debt.
NTA - been there done that. After nine years of marriage, he took half of everything. He came into the marriage with nothing but debt, and left with the proceeds from a house I had invested remodeling and the 20% down payment. Also lost my retirement fund because of him.
This is HORRIFYING! I am so sorry!
This is the comment prenups are for
Prenups too often aren't woeth the paper they're written on. There's so many reasons judges throw them out. Don't let a prenup convince you to marry someone untrustworthy.
Pre-nups aren't guaranteed. The better option is to not marry someone fiscally irresponsible.
I was always told: do not bring property into a marriage; if the marriage falls apart, the marital home will be split 50/50 regardless of your higher equity at the start (this is in Ontario, Canada and not sure if this is true in other jurisdictions). Sell the property before getting married and buy one together so equity and debt will be shared equally if you split.
Your fiancé doesn’t sound very responsible when it comes to money. $75,000 in credit card debt is unmanageable for most people let alone someone with unstable employment. You will be responsible for that debt if you marry him.
Some thinks guys would never do this - they have too much honor or ego or something. But nope. They definitely will.
When I tell you I yelled OH MY FUCKING GOD (in a concerned tone ofc)
I spent years managing moneys for people/couples. This is a recipe for a bad relationship. You will basically have to mother him and lecture him. It will constantly frustrate you as he'll forever derail your longterm plans and it will emasculate him as he'll feel like you don't respect him as the man of the home. When you're dating and it's all separate it doesn't seem quite so bad, but whenever you have kids and you realize that he can't ever hold a job or manage his spending so you are footing the responsibility for the kids insurance and daycare and private schools or whatever, it gets old quick.
Whatever it is that you see in him as a boyfriend that are fun and attractive will quickly be annoying habbits that remind you of how irresponsible he is once you guys are building a life together and he constantly undermining your every move.
Thank you. I needed to hear this
You're welcome.
Years ago I read a study that said, generally speaking, men yearn for esteem and women yearn for security.
This would mean that men want to be recognized as a leader, as a performer, as a formidable physical opponent to other men, as funny, etc.
Women, according to this psychologist, value security over all else. And they said the security followed something of a pyramid of heirarchy. So physical security then sexual security, then financial security, then emotional security, etc. This was basically following the idea that a woman is more long term focused on the environment that will create a good environment for her and their kids.
For men, if you have this need for esteem but are living a life where you don't feel like you are earning or receiving esteem they will often try to cheat the system to do short term things that get them shallow esteem, like buy things they can't afford or cheat with some sparkly woman that's not too difficult to acquire, etc.
I'm not saying this is true for everyone, but I can say that across a career of working with people and their money I have seen this play out many times. You are living a life that produces stability, security, and predictability and he is trying to make short sighted moves to win some esteem. It might even be that marrying you and moving into your home is another way for him to accomplish this.
Sounds like a genderfied version of Maslow's Heirachy of Needs chart: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs
Yes, it roughly correlated.
They were not asserting some absolute rule, just solid generalizations.
One interesting takeaway was that the environment in which a person feels confortable varies and often someone who grew up in a particularly hard environment will feel comfortable in that same environment. This, according to them, played out more often in women. So the daughter of an alcoholic is more likely to marry an alcoholic, the daughter of a violent man will be more likely to marry a violent man, etc.
I should try to find that article again. Or maybe it was a book. I remember it having some unique perspectives or at least they were new to me.
As a psychologist, I can confirm much of this. This is why many groups claim that women who figure out how to provide this security for themselves often have trouble finding partners. I disagree with that part, since I provide much of my own security (so, I might be biased).
Yes … This was me.. and My ex was not a good person and it became worse when he changed after …. So trust me I was the worst case scenario. I would like to second everything this person has said. I was extremely young and green also
Then when that was all said and done it took me physically and mentally a long time to recover from that. It prevented me to get jobs, move, etc. 60 hours a week is rough
The only good thing that it did was that it educated me on how be better with my finances.
Well said. I think people don't look at money as one of those do we have the same values, do we have this in common type things. But it absolutely is, it's probably up there as one of the most important. If you don't share the same values towards money then it is absolutely a recipe for disaster. Same as one of you wants kids and the other doesn't. Or one of you wants to live rurally and the other doesn't. Yes initially it's all about physical and emotional chemistry but these other details are important to move into a long term relationship.
Of course he wants to marry soon. Then the debt is half yours. There are even people who keep marrying to halve their debt with each marriage and subsequent divorce.
I agree 100%
OP would be a complete idiot to even contemplate marrying this dude.
If I were her I’d also be somewhat wondering if he was just getting married for financial stability and not love. Money does weird things to people.
I have no doubt he loves her (money).
Can I ask a serious question?
I thought debt accumulated before a marriage union was solely on the person who has the debt. Am I wrong in thinking this? And any debts taken on after the marriage are shared between the couple.
In the US, laws vary by state. But even if your fiance's debt isn't legally your problem, it's still your problem that so much of his income goes to paying the debt.
Exactly my thought
You would be foolish to marry a man who is so irresponsible he could rack up $75k in credit card debt!
There are many red flags associated with those who rack up lifestyle debt, and I’m not sure any of them scream marriage material!
Guess it depends on the country :)
So, the debt only gets halved if the debt becomes so mixed up that it can't get sorted out in divorce court, or if both parties agree to split it. If he has 75k in debt, and she never puts her name on his account, then he takes that entire debt with him. Even if he buys furniture that she keeps, the only debt she would incur would be the value of the furniture.
This is all to say: if you ever find yourself married to someone with debt, stay off all of their financial accounts. Doing joint taxes is still safe.
What he should really do is file bankruptcy and be done with the debt.
The issue is they are in a relationship, she'll become responsible for the debt by proxy.
They decide to go on holiday and they should put 2k in each, but he can't put it on credit card, he can't afford it, she's going to pay 4k and he'll pay nothing. he'll sponge off her.
The fact is he's long since past the point he should have declared bankruptcy... but hasn't for some reason. LIkewise he's got massive debt but no stable job? she's mad for being with him let alone considering marrying him. He wants to marry soon... no fucking shit he does.
YES. Fuck the "but it legally won't be her debt" comments. THIS is the freaking daily inconveniences and unfairness OP will have to deal with. He has been in debt his entire life, he will not care to be debt free. And even if he does miraculously work towards getting debt free in the marriage, it'll have been 50 percent at the expense of OP.
Men aren't advised to get into marriage with women who use their credit cards like it's free money. Neither are women. And frankly... Women throughout time have worked way too hard for women's rights and opportunities to support themselves for OP to turn around and marry herself into financial ruin for a man when she's already set up her own future for herself!
Him filing bankruptcy isn't going to fix his spending addiction and work allergy. This is who he is.
OP needs to keep in mind that, once his debt becomes her debt, nonpayment of those debts will damage her credit. Also, if they want to purchase property, vehicles, or other financed purchases in the future, they'll have to qualify on her credit only, in which case the mortgage or car loan or whatever will be in her name only. He will not have any legal responsibility for those loans. If they get divorced and some debt is given to him via the divorce, ex., a car loan, if he doesn't pay it, the lender can pursue her to pay the debt. If she fails to do so, her credit will be impacted. It will be impacted regardless because all those months that her ex didn't pay can be held against her. I know it sounds crazy for a person to be liable for a debt that was assigned to her ex in the divorce settlement, but a good friend's excellent credit was almost completely ruined when her ex didn't pay the loan on the car he got in the divorce. It took years for her credit rating to recover.
In other words; don't marry him
NTA but don’t marry him. He is 43 and in 75k debt!!!!! With nothing to fall back on. This will never change and you will pay for him.
NTA. If you do decide to marry him get a prenup detailing his pre marriage debts are his alone. Post marriage, keep separate finances, do not "invest" in his businesses and make sure you have a plan if you get pregnant. You need to make certain you are covered financially during maternity leave.
Honestly you should just live together.
Wanting to get married soon, after you've told him you want his debts paid off is a red flag. Is there any immediate financial gain to him if he's married to you? Is he living with you or on his own and about to get evicted? Do you live in a place where he immediately has spousal rights to your home if you are married?
You might want to do a background check on him.
You should speak to a financial advisor and an attorney before you potentially comingle finances.
Even living together is risky. OP needs a good understanding of how common law marriage works in her state and if she could still be on the hook for his debts after a certain number of years of cohabitation.
Looks like you've got yourself a hobosexual. NTA. Do not marry him, do not lend him money, no not "invest" in any of his schemes.
Never seen this term before, I love it! In the UK this type of man is called a cocklodger. Moves in, gets a roof over his head, food on the table and contributes nothing but a (presumably solid gold) dick.
OP, please don’t marry him.
2 nations separated by a common language 🤣. I love cocklodger. I'm going to add that to my repertoire.
And hobosexual is going straight in mine. Cheers matey!
WTF are you doing with someone who has 75K IN CREDIT CARD DEBT?!
Do not marry him. Any more debt he takes on from the day you wed is legally shared! What the hell are you doing?!
Yikes thank you for the hard truth. I needed to hear that!!
You cannot build a future with someone who will remove every brick you place in the foundation for immediate enjoyment. My husband and I are right beside each other, building a future together. Working hard to save, budget and build the future we want. We balance enjoyment of life today with enjoyment of life in our future.
If you are foolish enough to actually makky him, get a pre-nup that protects your assets. You might also suggest he file for bankruptcy. Doesn't sound like he actually owns anything, that would get rid of the immediate debt. But he should do that before you marry him.
Even if he goes the bankruptcy route, OP needs to wait until he has steady employment and has proven to have changed his spending habits.
That means steady employment and a few years staying debt free and building a savings. YEARS. Not months. And even then, with a prenup.
Even then I wouldn't
old habits die hard
You are dating an idiot. 75k? Fuck
Lol I know.... imagine my reaction when I found out...
When did you find out? And how?
Seconded. Please post an update.
And are you sure it's just 75k and that there's not any more debt he forgot to tell you about.
Of course he wants to marry you, you have everything he needs, money, house, security, he doesn't have to change a thing-and probably won't.
Even if you manage to keep yourself completely separate from his debts. You're still going to end up on the hook for everything, because he won't be able to afford to buy you dinner, go on holidays with you, have kids with you etc.
Is this really what you want for yourself?
Oh gods, it’s my ex husband all over again. RUN! It never gets better.
Eeeek. I think Im gonna take your advice
Yeah it put me in a bad spot. On paper he made more than me but his debt canceled that out. We ended up being evicted from our apartment because he couldn’t pay. I was carrying him the whole time. I was in my early 30s (didn’t make a whole lot) and he was 43. He currently lives with his mother and conning god knows who else. I’m slowly recovering from that.
Glad you’re waking up before he spends down your liquids assets, and gets half your house and retirement assets, and alimony to support him in the lifestyle he’s become accustomed to.
Of course he wants to marry you asap. You come with a great dowry.
Also keep in mind if you're living together and considered common-law his debt also potentially becomes yours with assets being spilt 50/50. It might seem shrewd not to be with someone because of differences in money management but as others have disclosed it's a huge (and very valid) reason marriages don't work out so you may as well save yourself the trouble.
No kidding! It would be one thing if he had $75K in student loans because he went to a private college or whatever, but that much credit card debt means he spends every dime he makes and then some. He’s never going to pay that off.
I dated someone like this (I was just about the same age as you at the time) and he, too, couldn’t keep a job, had massive amounts of debt, and was constantly thinking up ways to get money and then spend it on shit. He finally lost his house to foreclosure because he was spending his mortgage payment on new clothes, music, just JUNK that was in no way a necessity, and then he would ask his parents for money to pay his mortgage. Then he would spend THAT money. (Parents were fortunately wealthy so at least he wasn’t bankrupting them.)
When he started talking about moving in with me to “save on rent” and about buying crap for MY apartment, I finally blew up at him. I was like, “You are about to be fucking HOMELESS and you’re talking about buying a $400 grill. Where the hell would you even put it? Why don’t you pay off some of your goddamn debt? Why don’t you save to move?” And he shot back, “That’s rich coming from someone who just bought A NEW CAR.” (I’d replaced my previous car that damn near died on the way to the dealership, that’s how done it was. And I could afford the car.)
I knew right then that that was going to be my life. He would make excuses, quit jobs, spend all our money on bullshit, apologize like a bad dog, expect me to dig him out of trouble and then do it all over again, because that’s what he always did. And, like you, I had shit to lose. A good job, a good credit rating, a retirement fund. I could just imagine him rationalizing using my info to get himself a secret credit card or some shit and then I’d find out I was magically in $20K more debt than I knew about. Or who knows what!
I didn’t wait to find out, I dumped him and it was the smartest thing I ever did, now I have a nice house and assets and no deadbeat debt magnet of a boyfriend. I highly recommend you do the same.
Omg! Your story sounds exactly like mine! He is swimming in debt but insisted on buying not one, but TWO surround sound systems thst are identical. Each were $900 and he said they were on sale and plans to sell the second one for a profit. Guess what? He bought them last summer and the second one is STILL in a box in the hallway. He hasn't even tried to sell it and when I suggest different platforms he can sell it on he snaps at me and says he doesn't want to yet.... yikes
By the time he gets around to selling it there will be newer models out and the value will go down anyway... there's no winning with these types of people
The value went down the minute he brought the damn things home. And why on earth did he think anyone was going to buy a used sound system for a higher price than one being sold new in box from the store?
I hope to Christ he doesn’t live with you. But if he does, sell both the damn things. Don’t wait for him. Get them gone and give him 60 days to vacate (or whatever the minimum requirement is for a tenant in your area). Otherwise he’ll be a millstone around your neck, and that goes triple if you marry him, at which point he gains legal access to your earnings from that point forward. He could spend both of you into the poorhouse and you couldn’t do a damn thing about it.
Save yourself.
Luckily not my house. He rents a room in his friend's house 🙄 I didn't agree to move in with him until we're engaged but at this rate it doesn't seem like that will be happening... Not to mention he pays $400 a month for TWO storage units with a bunch of useless crap in them. He said he's too overwhelmed to go through them.. 💀💀💀 I'm done!
Sounds like a compulsive shopper with hoarding tendencies. Run!
I only dated my compulsive shopper for 8 months (so all the spending, job-losing and foreclosing happened in that short space of time!) and I was 36 at the time. I’m 50 now. Did he learn his lesson, get his act together, and turn over a new leaf in the last 14 years? Noooooo.
Your BF is 7 years older than mine was, and he’s still in that mess with no end in sight. And you were smart to tell him that you wouldn’t consider marriage until he paid his debt off. I said the same thing, and in fact we spent a whole day creating a budget and a plan to get him all paid off within a matter of a few years if he’d stuck to it. He couldn’t even make it two weeks.
People like that really can’t see anything past the next dopamine hit. It wouldn’t matter if you had only enough money in the account to pay the rent or you’d be on the street, he’ll spend it and expect you to figure it out somehow. That’ll be your life with him.
Wow that's a lot to happen in only 8 months! Lol It's a blessing you got to witness that timing or you may have been stuck with him longer. Thank you for the chat. You're so right and I appreciate your wisdom! Interestingly enough he accuses his mother of being a hoarder.... apple don't fall far I guess
Your NTA for not marrying him until his debts are paid. BUT you are a fool if you think he won't run them right back up as soon as he's married to you because then "your a team" in his eyes and his debts are your debts. Do I agree with it ? no, not at all but make sure you look at everything before you marry him.
NTA, but you are to yourself for considering marrying your finances to a 43 year old with $75K in credit card debt and no stable employment.
Nothing wrong with dating.
It makes him so unattractive IMO. She's got her life together and he's acting like a child.
Well, I can see why he wants to marry you ,he probably sees 👀 you as his future cash cow with free housing and no need to work ..exactly, what's the attraction to this individual 🤔
Are you really asking us this after typing out and re-reading everything you just put down? 😂 what do you think, OP?
😂 touché Honestly everyone's comments have more than validated my concerns. I realize now that not only am I NOT the asshole but I'm also super delulu to believe he can pay that debt down. I think I know what I need to do... 😬
The fact that he sees no problem with spending $75, 000 he doesn't have is all you need to know to pull the plug on this. At his age he should have at least 6 figures in savings. He sees you as his retirement plan, and you'd be a fool to stick with him. You'll be working until you die while he sits on his ass spending your money.
I think you do, too. Once you’ve been out of this sitch for a while, you’ll look back and wonder what you were thinking being with someone like this. It’s happened to us all. Please, please dodge this bullet.
Ma’am why the hell would you even want to marry someone who is financially irresponsible?
If he pays his debt off, by some miracle, when you get married, what makes you think he won’t go into debt again, and screw up your credit, and have to come out of your savings.
A huge percentage of couples divorce because of finances and debt, and if he doesn’t see it as a problem now, especially when he’s a few years shy of 50, then he’ll never find it a problem.
He’s too old to not be financially stable, or have a stable job. He’s almost AARP age, and you’re gonna be his sugar grandma and pulling his weight.
You need to truly sit in think about if marriage with him is the right thing, cause you could lose everything you worked for, because of someone who’s never valued hard work, and is okay with struggling
Thank you for the tough love! I agree with you 100%. I think it's time for me to throw out my rose colored glasses and jump ship. I love him but I need to be real with myself. Thank you for helping me see more clearly
You’re welcome. It’s okay to love someone, but we have to be honest with ourselves and ask, are we in love with them, or are we in love with who they CAN be, or who they USED to be.
Also, sometimes love isn’t enough, and also we tend to give love to the wrong people.
If you give too much o yourself to someone, and it ain’t reciprocated, then that leaves you empty, and a shell of yourself.
It’s okay to put yourself first, because when you have no one, all you have is you. You know that if no one has your back, you have your own back.
He also needs to want to do better, and as much as we want to help the people we love, they have to be willing to do better for themselves, and make the necessary changes to become a better person.
You seem like a sweet woman, with a great head on your shoulders, and losing him isn’t gonna break you. It may suck for a little while, but the reality of dropping someone who feels like dead weight on your shoulders, is gonna feel like a relief
You're amazing and have great advice 😊
So are you. I’m free anytime you need to talk, or a listening ear
I’m really glad to hear this. You deserve more!
NTA. Money is a huge part of why people divorce.
Listen Very Closely: LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH FOR A GOOD MARRIAGE. I don’t care how much you love him - he does NOT share your financially responsible value system and this means a life of misery. You need to release him with love so he can finish growing up into a fish big enough to keep, and get back to looking for a man who won’t ruin your life with his bad debt, lack of work ethic, inability to control his impulse purchases, and general ignorance of how financially responsible adults manage their money.
He is NOT a good catch. DO NOT MARRY HIM. Kick him out, cry your tears and move on. There is better out there.
NTA and I have been on Reddit long enough to know if you do get married, keep your finances separate, don't cosign any debt with him, and get a prenup!
So you will never marry. There is no realistic way that he will resolve that debt in quite some time. Also, keep in mind that even if he manages to pay of the debt, he will not have any savings, probably assets and no retirement fund. You would be seen as his ATM for the rest of your life in that relationship.
Why are you even considering marrying him? The debt isn't even what I have a problem with - it's the "or have stable employment". He could be savvy and deal w/his debt. But why would you tie yourself to someone who can't get along with others? Because that's usually what never having had stable employment means. That he probably fights with his bosses and thinks he deserves better than he's getting - that life dealt him a bad hand.
I may be way off base. (It wouldn't surprise me.) But if any of that rings a bell...
Wow you are actually spot on!!!
Yea, trust me, he's not the one. Move on.
Edited to add, a successful marriage needs 3 basic things or it's doomed before it begins:
1) be on the same page about careers and finances.
2) be on the same page about family and children
3) be on the same page with your morals and ethics.
You've already failed gate 1, how do you fare on the other two?
Eek you're right. Happy birthday!
If you value financial stability then you should probably look somewhere else. Doesn't sound like this guy wants to get his stuff together to make a plan to pay off the debt.
If you love this guy and want to keep dating him, fine. Your life, enjoy.
But do NOT marry this many.
He’s 43 and doesn’t have his life even a bit in order. Don’t marry him, don’t combine anything, don’t give his access to anything.
Ffs do not marry him. Your love will not change him or make him grow up. He's 43 and you'll be taking care of him the rest of your life, and he may end owning half of your house, depending on where you live...even the elusive unicorn cock is not worth it.
It's not going to happen. Someone that irresponsible isnt going to change in his forties. You're very sensible to refuse to marry him until he has cleared his debt but that's never going to happen. If you do marry him, he'll waste your money as well as his own.
NTA but the likelihood he pays off 75k of debt before your gray and retired is slim to none. Might be time to reevaluate where you stand on this relationship but that debt will follow him and anyone he married to the grave.
75k of debt would be yours to clear.
And as soon as you got married, he would be in debt again.
I would get a prenup protecting your home and other assets as he might see them as "entrepreneurial assets".
NTA
NTA but yes of course it's unreasonable to think he'll ever pay off his debts. And someday if he inherits any assets from his parents, he might pay off the credit cards. And then he'll rack them all up again because that's the way he is. And has always been all his life.
Don't let him move in, don't marry him, don't have children with him, don't loan him money, don't co-sign anything for him.
NTA but he has no stable employment and 75k credit card debt and has been debt all his life...what tells you he can pull himself out of that swamp...also you have own house and retirement fund...if you marry him I would have prenup and the debt he has would be your issue as well if you married him...maybe instead of marriage he should concentrate how to find purpose, passion to some kind of job he will be not only wiping the debt but having future financial plan how he will not end up same place again.
You’re going to end up supporting him.
This is a habit for him. Don’t let him drag you down financially by marrying him because he will add more debt that you could be partially responsible. He may just be looking for someone that will help him continue this lifestyle. Don’t be this person
Yeah, he wants to get married, so you'll help pay off his debt. You don't need to get married to be partners. I'd tell him your no to marriage until he has paid off his debt. You can live together and split bills but DO NOT combine your bank accounts.
I'd also like to send a small red flag to you. If he has this now, ehat will he have an a year or two. He needs to learn how to live within his means before you agree to take him on.
Do not marry this guy.
43 years old with no stable employment and $75k in credit card debt?
2 red flags too many. I would keep dating and not marry. His debt becomes your debt if you marry.
If I’m dating someone in their 30’s and 40’s. I’m looking at their credit score, debt, education and career.
Wtf 75k in CC debt? How desperate are you madam…
He is not the one
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA. But you could help him out. My girlfriend had a credit card with $3,000 on it when we got together. After watching her struggle just paying minimum monthly payments for two years and the principle not going down I paid it off when I got some money back from my investments. But the agreement was to destroy the card and no more credit cards. We have visa debits now. We don't spend money we don't have.
Edit: Wait, I just glanced over this at first, and then re-read it just now. $75,000 !!!?
Girl, run. This dude is horrible with money. Marry this guy and you will surely regret it lol
Nta. Definitely. Also get a prenup. If he is this careless with his money I wouldn’t put it pass him to try to to get you to pay more in things. Or try to get luxuries he can’t afford and try to get you into debt. Or give you the we are married now it’s our money so you should help me pay what I owe.
Or have him sign a prenup where what's your is yours (property, savings, retirement) and what's his is his (debt, student loans, etc).
I have to say though, having been the financially savvy and responsible one living with someone who was clueless about personal finance, it wasn't pretty. I tried a financial planner to get us on the same page and it was a waste of time. Differing money attitudes are a major cause of fights and lead to divorce.
I am happily divorced and so are his next two wives.
75k in a line of credit is one thing, but 75K in credit card debt is something he will NEVER shake, and something you will carry for the rest of your life if you marry this moron.
Considering the average credit card runs at 20% interest, here is what he owes the card JUST TO STAY AT 75k in debt. He would not pay off a single thing, yet still needs to pay in interest alone:
- Yearly - $15,000
- Monthly - $1250
- Daily ~ $41.10
Since he doesn’t have a stable job, how is he ever going to make a dent in that debt? He won’t, and he might not even meet his interest payments, which will compound his debt further.
This man is not just irresponsible, or down on his luck. This man is a complete moron and not worth ANY of your time.
$75k?! That’s like 2k a month in interest lol not just don’t marry him run for your fucking life.
You reply to a lot of comments, and it was absolutely worth it.
He's lied to you the entire time. He continues to make poor financial decisions and digs the hole deeper and deeper.
You are now getting to know more of who he actually is and it doesn't sound like he's in a good position in his life.
NTA.
Thank you. The validation that I am doing the right thing from all of you makes me stand my ground. I appreciate your feedback
NTA, *do not* commingle assets with him.
75k in debt????? No stable nor career??
No way I would even consider marrying him not live together. And if you live together, please look up if there is a common law in your state and what are those, you don't want to get screw over the way either.
What does he spend on to accrue $75k in credit card debt?
Do not marry him until his debts are paid and also have some form of agreement in writing that his debts never become your responsibility (if you choose to marry him).
Don't get married. You will regret it.
His cavalier approach to money won't mesh with your careful, planned attitude. It will end in tears and regret.
He's been in debt his whole life
Ahhh wtf. No. NTA. Tell him this is important to you for a number of reasons. 1. His debt affects you. 2. If he's this comfortable holding this much debt, what are the chances he'll fix it later? Or worse, what if he takes on more? Money stuff is a huge relationship-killer.
NTA and to be honest WTF are you doing with someone with zero financial sense?
“He wants to get married soon”
Yea, so he can split his debt with you. Dude is gaslighting you by telling you it’s not a big deal, yet pushing you to inherit his debt.
NTA
A marriage is, first and foremost, business partnership.
Second, it is a logistical partnership.
And third, it is an emotional partnership.
The reason I put them in this order is that you can absolutely be emotionally committed to someone without marrying them.
Debt can become communal debt; spending patterns persist.
No stable employment.
75K in debt.
He is 43.
And you are financially secure.
Honey.
His bedroom game must be magic for you to not be able to see through this trick.
Do. Not. Marry.
He can show how serious his love and commitment is to you by becoming debt free BEFORE a wedding.
Any argument to marry beforehand is just showing his cards.
You are his sugar momma.
Stand firm.
If he believes these debts are no big deal, I am curious what amount of a debt would be a big deal?
Because a debt is putting your word to saying you owe something.
Marriage is your word too.
If there is no value to your word......
NTA:
43 and in that situation. What a bum....
Looks like he does not have his priorities sorted out and wants free rent.
For what an internet advise is worth, I would advise you to stay clear of this bum.
Internet advice is just as good if not better than my friends and family. You have no bias and this is exactly what I needed, so thank you!
Prenup prenup preanup
A little louder for the people in the back
A 43 year old man who doesn't have his shit together... will not suddenly change. He's 43. He is who he is. Girl you're doing great and sound like a catch. Time to start seeing that
NTA. My exgf was like your boyf. I still don't understand how she racked up £215k debt. Like where and how and why. I was damn lucky I found out about it otherwise I'd be the one living with a parasite
Wow that's s lot! I also found out only recently. Counting my blessings
Hold up. He has been hiding his debt from you? And you're planning to get married? I'd pause that thought for now.
How long have you two been together?
I see no mention of a pre-nup or cohabitation agreement here. Why is that?
I would never marry someone with the kind of mentality you're describing
NTA
WTF are you even considering getting married to him? You should have already been moved on.
Yep. His debts are yours when you marry.
NTA You need to take care of yourself. This doesn’t sound good.
NTA
But exactly what about him tells you that he is going to be good life partner?
NTA. I thought by the heading that he was in his late 20s and had student debts. But this is not a matter of student debt - it is a lifestyle of financial irresponsibility. Once you marry him you will be liable for his debts. If your boyfriend has moved in with you, consult a lawyer to make sure it doesn't count as common-law marriage and make you liable. And definitely don't marry this guy - now or ever. He won't change his attitude or lifestyle.
Even if he pays it off, he'll just rack it right back up again. This is a red flag and you need to walk away. The man is in his 40's and still doesn't have his shit together.
So not marry this man.
Please, please don’t marry this man!!!
NTA, but you need to consider the relationship. That's a lot of debt to carry on a cc (assuming multiple) without consistent employment. The fact that he doesn't see this as a problem is a huge red flag.
75k debt, and nothing to show for it... has he got a degree ? How did he get so much debt ?
He has a degree! He invested in too many businesses that failed, lawyer fees from being sued by a business partner, and spending way beyond his means
So realistically you’re basically saying you don’t want to marry him. Just tell him that cut the cord and move on
🚩🚩🚩🚩 DO NOT marry this man. You'd be insane to marry this bloke. You want your secure life to be completely decimated? Unless you completely quarantine your finances from him... Lets be honest here, hes expecting you to pay off his debt. 100% he is. And he's hoping by getting you married to him? He can force this to happen. That you'll be responsible for his debt.
Please don't be naive.
He’s trying to trap you girl …
NTA, but if he's been in debt his entire life, what makes you think he's suddenly going to change now?