Missing text messages on phone after showed Therapist a text I had received from a friend. Therapist handed phone back then asked for again. I thought nothing of it at the time as I did not know. I looked for a poem 2 days afterward, all the texts Therapist sent were gone. I know I did not do this. I sent an email stating as much and I asked why? It feels as if I am viewed as a threat and would try and hurt her. I understand I handed phone over, however they no longer belonged to her. Therapist denied this and we have not discussed in session. It is right there for me. I thought of going to IT place to have them retrieved and time stamp on removal. While therapist has advocated for me and I am currently on a better path I am hurt. I also feel as if lied to. I have no idea where to go, I know I want to run. Any ideas would be helpful.
They would never have been on here. I am looking at grace, for self and all involved. I can trace generational trauma for generations. Though never discussed, all through research. I am certainly not excusing extremely bad behavior! I have not always behaved as an adult, the anger still comes out sideways. It is a full time job and I so want this red hot anger to dissipate yesterday. Yes the knife is still sharp, not as lethal though. My T wants to take me to a smash room, you pay to hammer stuff. Throw it around and just let loose. I declined out of fear several months ago. The vitriol that oozed out of my pores was intense. I pushed it down then with a hammer knocked it down some more. 1 year in therapy has taken the edge off and made it easier to see. I know I have let decades go with a weight that had no name. Cptsd is ugly just f..... ugly. I want to put wheels on that weight and not let this anger and lack of esteem stop me. I shall press on and keep telling on the ugly feelings.
Long enough as we were walking which is usual and turned for a second. I did think something was off in my gut.
Here you go again.
For me it was 40 minutes in of taking first dose. I sobbed and I could sit still. The meds have immediate effect. I have a NP who actually wrote in records cptsd and followed with ICM to back it up. I have tried for 40 years to get right. Distinguishing the difference is going to be a full time job, as they do overlap in so many ways. I do know I can actually stay in session with T without going across country n back during.
I have awaken startled and have no idea why. I do not remember dreams.
I asked T to read a text I had received from a friend. T gave phone back, asked to see it again. I handed it back. Later when I looked for a poem I had wrote all her text to me were gone. I did not do this. I sent an email and stated such and was T afraid I would do something with them? I met again and I could not stop thinking about. I know I did not delete and unsure what to do.
Years with T and never picked up on??? Is it me?
Could that be what is so difficult for us is the grieving and allowing it. When I start to feel it I most definitely push it down. In reality its screaming. Childhood was a loss, there is no way to go back. I am thinking it is grief thick, heavy, black, sad, punitive and depressing. Almost as if a black hole and the sense of fear going there for losing control. I am right here, I need to say to T.
You are a victim of someone who was a mandated reporter! The teacher was entrusted with children. That is why what you did was extremely brave. Make her pay for the trauma treatment!
I worked a crisis line. My home and voice was secure and hardwired. No wi-fi due to security purposes. This would be an important ? due to HIPPA laws. Therapist was not.
Its trying to the nail out of the bat I beat myself with. More for the shame which let me think I do not deserve good things. Including my mental health. Being in survival mode and recent adhd diagnosis puts a new spin on things also. Just lol.
I think of this often. I go to 17 years. If I knew I could go to college I would have gone. Father said the only way was as a cadaver. I did eventually go and am glad I did.
I said that 3x today with my fawning self. Catching yourself is work!
Great idea, the poke part is work.
I went from a great town to an awful village. The harrassment has been brutal from neighbors and the village idiots who work with him. I hired an attorney to get it stopped last year. The behavior continues.
Does anyone feel numb while trying to work through the trauma? I feel like my body weighs 400lbs. and is hard to move. Self reflection is painful, difficult and hard to swallow. I am angry at self for being in such pain when it was fear and shame that inhibited my recovery. I still struggle with thinking I deserved it and saying it. Its as if there is a choking sensation when trying to talk about and feeling childish.
Yes, writing the checks like a zombie.
I saw where a gentleman walked himself through the badges for a Scout. He truly enjoyed it and healed some doing it. I myself am right there. Where do we start? I have thought about this for quite sometime. I feel a sense of shame that is overwhelming daily for not growing up in emotional ways. I am trying to learn how to take the nail out of bat used on head. I am open to all idea's.
I have been with my T for 10 months with long history of documented abuse. I was not ready when I started. I could not sit still. Then diagnosed with adhd on top of trauma. The meds took the ants out of my pants and I can sit still. I can stay in a conversation longer without going on a world tour. I will say there is a fear for me now. The hard work comes as I am regulted. Yes, I too was dismayed at the delay to dive in. If we did I have no idea where I could go. There is a blackness I feel. I know also that we need to give ourselves GRACE. I feel as though I have suffered enough. I want this cloud to go away. I think I still need baby steps. I have started to volunteer and it has helped get out of head. Also keeps me outta that blackness. Next weekend a marathon for vets. Somedays I still forget I have balls on my feet. I wish and pray for you to find your peace, keep up the hard work!
do you ever think "my childhood wasn't that bad" until you *really* start thinking about it
CPTSD