My abuser died today.

Congratulations you’re safe now ❤️‍🩹 that would be what I wanted to hear. 

In 2022 I got a phone call from one of my aunts that my (abusive) mother was on her deathbed (cancer). She had had it for a while and at the point I was called she only had a few days left to live. I had been estranged from my (abusive) parents for over a decade.

I always thought I knew how I would respond and how I would feel. As it turns out I had a lot of emotions that I wasn't prepared for. It was a confusing time. It was all compounded by having to think about how I'd navigate COVID precautions (I have autoimmune issues and so am vulnerable).

My aunt was kind of pressuring me to go see my mother, because she thought I'd regret it if I didn't. I asked her point blank whether either of my parents had specifically asked for me. She couldn't answer that they had but that she still thought I should go, and she offered to take me. I gave it a lot of thought, and decided I'd allow her to take me (I live about a 2 hour drive away). My aunt called ahead to let them know we were coming.

When my mother found out we were coming, she erupted in a rage. Once I found that out I decided not to go after all. My aunt tried to convince me to still go, but after I heard how angry my mother was I was worried she'd just launch a final round of abuse at me, which I didn't want.

I didn't go to the wake or the funeral. I just tried to process everything in my own way alone. I was very gentle with myself generally - or at least I tried to be. I tried to just acknowledge what I was feeling and accept it as valid. I did a bit of journaling to try to help identify and process emotions. I took a lot of nature walks.

Ultimately I don't regret not being there for her death, wake, or funeral. I think it would have been even more painful for me if I had. She was a bitter and angry person in life, and made it clear that she never wanted me from the time I was a little kid. Even at the end of her life all she had for me was rage and rejection.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, OP. As you mentioned there's a lot of confusing feelings that come along with it. There's no way to truly prepare. Just be very kind to yourself and protect your own peace.

Do you have a therapist? I needed one more than I thought I would have. The feelings were so complex and complicated. There is relief, of course. But I also had some weird feeling of being invalidated suddenly. Like the abuse and all the secrets etc died too, and suddenly it's just me with the nightmare in my head. Or that it somehow isn't supposed to matter anymore because the abuser is dead, so what's my problem. Ya know? You are not alone, no matter how you feel, that's for sure! <3 Grief is so bizarre. This is so dumb...I cried because for SURE then things could never be different or better...and the thing is, they were never going to be anyway! What?! Brains are a trip. Anyway, you are not alone.

Dad died 7 years ago. Still relieved.

I haven’t felt with this yet but I’m curious the repaonses. I feel some urgency to confront mine before that happens I dunno if I will but I don’t wanna regret not doing it.

I do think tho if I hear he passed and am able to attend the viewing I’m gonna show up. I’ve been no contact for decades but I wanna see for myself that he’s gone.

I went completely numb. Then i got floored by a flood of memories. It was really hard. I hope you have someone who can be there for you. Whatever you feel, it is ok.

A lot of therapy. My abuser died 7 years ago, which was around 20ish years after the abuse stopped. I first felt shock, then sadness, then anger, and finally....relief and ambivalence. It's a much more complicated grief process. I worked through how I did feel sad when died because he was an "important" figure in my life. (Quotes because, well, you all understand that) In the end, I realized I was upset with myself for my feelings of grief, ironically. I felt like I should have only felt relief after all the pain and struggle he caused me. Sadly enough, our feelings and emotions are far too complicated for that to be the simple truth. I hope you can find some way to let these feelings out and get some closure, or at least move forward with a better understanding of your feelings and how to validate them.

One of the people who raped me died last year..

I thought I would feel.. something..

Better, safer, I don’t know .. I didn’t feel anything..

My mother recently died and she was one of my abusers. I was sad I will never get the “I’m sorry” I wanted.

Another level of healing can start now.

I didn’t cry couldn’t mourn. They were dead to me since I understood humanity as a teenager. Fuck yes but you can also be sad. You have no redemption arc for that relationship where before you at least had a dream for one. I can’t wait til my stepfather dies

I felt happy and a lot of relief I will never go through it again.

I felt safe

Edit to add: I know it can be extremely confusing/conflicting. I hope you're doing okay ❤️

Talk about it with a therapist. They cant hurt you anymore, but you also will never get to say anything anymore. It can have a lot of weird feelings some very valid. Just remember to move on when youre ready and not to hold on to bad feelings for too long.

My mother called me the day he died. She demanded that I call my grandmother and tell her how sorry I was that he was dead. I refused & I believe I dropped an F-bomb in that conversation. Even as a young girl I was able to see the dysfunction in my family and now, as an adult, it’s even more clear.

Years later, with the help of a therapist & MDMA/psilocybin, I was able to see that my pedophile grandfather was also the product of horrific abuse. It was hard work but I was able to forgive him and release all that pain & suffering I held on to.

My abuser’s mom died over a year ago. She partook in the most egregious of the abuse at the end of my relationship with the abuser. 

It was a relief, knowing she can’t hurt anyone ever again, and a cause for celebration because that fucking bitch is dead. 

ya i can imagine thats a lot to go through. my first reaction would be to reach for a numbing substance but thats probably not super healthy. my grandmother was not a main attraction in the hall of shame but she definitely had an unnecessarily firm hand with me; i didn't talk to her for a long time before she died when i was like 14, she had called me a few times wanting to talk with me prior to that and i didn't answer a lot of those calls. its definitely weird because i had a grandfather pass away and i was definitely impacted by that and went through a healthy grieving process. that didn't happen here. she passed away on christmas day no less so that will always leave a mark on that holiday. i suppose i felt a certain guilt even now that i didn't really grieve for her.

reminds me of a miniseries with benedict cumberbatch called patrick melrose which goes through the emotional rollercoaster of dealing with an abuser who dies.

I have no idea if my mother is dead or alive, it's better that way for me.

I think confusing and conflicting is unfortunately probably what you’re going to have to wade through for a while.

For myself I decided to envision my mother as two separate people. In the end I think it helped a little bit that the cancer had spread to her brain. She literally was acting like two different people. When she was fully lucid she was actually very loving. The last 6 months of her life were actually when I saw some of her most selfless behavior. She spent much of that time cleaning things out of her house so that it wouldn’t be as overwhelming for me.

When she was out of it she was paranoid and accusatory of everyone around her except me and wanted me to take care of her and fix things for her like she always expected me to. But when she had control she didn’t act like that at all. She was trying to take care of everyone else in a self sacrificing way.

It’s still upsetting and still haunting 6 months later. I just went under agreement to sell her house yesterday. It’s been mostly cleaned out in the last few weeks. I’m 2,000 miles away now—she literally got diagnosed with cancer within 48 hours of us going under agreement to buy our house here and sell our house there. I spent all the time I could spare before I left helping her deal with her medical stuff, but then I just had to leave her on her own. Once we left I only saw her twice more before she died.

I still have her memorial ahead in July and I have to go back and finalize things in June and get all my old toys out of her attic.

For me I didn’t experience that much sadness for myself—but still more than I expected. I’d emotionally disconnected from her decades ago, but she was still my mother and she was still in my life almost exclusively for the benefit of my kids. She was capable of being a good grandmother on her terms and she was always there in an emergency. When I feel sad it’s for my kids. I spent 6 hours in her house going through things before I stumbled on some of my kids drawings that she had saved and I absolutely lost it and am tearing up writing about it now.

She still had some ongoing role in my life even at a distance, and it still hasn’t stopped being a process of cognitive reorientation to the fact that she’s actually gone. I imagine that even if your abuser is the worst villain in the universe and you dance on their grave that you still have to retrain your brain to the fact that they’re actually gone.

I think there’s also a piece of instability that comes with it as well if they were your parent. Like whatever and however good, bad, or indifferent your relationship was with them it’s been eternal up to this point. From the moment you entered the earth they’ve never not been sharing it with you in some way. Their existence has been up to that point as constant as the sky—even if you never look up the sky has always been there. It’s just part of your world whether you like it or not. The sky will always still be there, but now they’re not. But you still are.

It is peace—but a void in your world is kind of still cold comfort.

I honestly don’t know that I’ve fully processed or dealt with it or not. I kind of suspect that I haven’t. There’s been low grade turmoil in my head around it since it became clear that they were going to die in a concrete relatively predictable timeframe.

I probably spent two months worth of sessions with my therapist taking about one aspect of the process or another to the point that I was like f*** how are we still talking about this again. But I think it was just necessary. In a sense almost every session is about her anyway. I’m probably going to be working on the damage she did for the rest of my life.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that they ever were your abuser. I’m sorry that your feelings are and I think probably will be complicated for a long time to come.

I’d say prioritize your own needs above anything else around this. If you have other living non-abusive family to support that’s one thing, but beyond that I think just take care of you.

My thoughts are with you.

My mom died when I was 19. I didn’t feel anything about it then and I still don’t now or maybe I’m just afraid to admit that I find it funny.

My mom was my first narcissistic abuse. I’d always said I wouldn’t care if she died but in her last two years of life before her husband killed her she had apologized and even called me pretty for the first time in 36 years. I miss her so much. When I got older I realized she had even deeper issues. Having a man around was what she would die for. She abandoned me and even stole a child I had as a teenager to raise with the asshole. That’s after he gave me drugs at 15. Now as far as any other abuser goes no fkn way I’m forgiving them.

I can’t wait for mine to die

Yeah, my dad died when I was 25 and he was my main abuser. I just felt a lot of relief.

Take care of self and allow some grieving. 

I'm happy that they're gone and can no longer trouble you. It is okay to have all the feelings. It's a normal reaction to this sort of thing. I did some counselling for a similar reason - a person who abused me khs, and I had multiple different feelings about it. I was deeply sad for their family, but happy they were gone. The counsellor told me it's okay to feel anything you are feeling, whether it be good or bad. Because that person is gone. And these are your feelings and you have a right to them.

This is tough. Please give yourself time. Various and “crazy” emotions are valid. Hugs.

I realized that the abuse could never happen again and started on healing. Knowing that you will be able to heal without being stabbed again is huge. Now there are a whole host of other issues that I had to deal with that were unique to my situation but my overall feelings regarding the abuse I suffered was that it was finally over.

No joke, I found out mine was crushed by a log when I was doing my routine “check on him to make sure he’s still a state away” thing. I’ve felt immensely more safe when going back home now, I get it’s probably different for everyone though. However you’re feeling is 100% valid though, even if it’s empathy, sadness, grief, etc.

I remember my mom sobbing at her fathers funeral and I was so surprised. He beat them. He almost killed her once. She was terrified of him, but she was devastated.

She said that as long as her dad was alive, there was still a tiny chance that he might change, or he might be sorry, or even if he stayed awful he might maybe help her if things went really and truly fubar. She was mourning what he never managed to be, not him. So if you are surprisingly upset, know that that’s okay too.

Congrats. Karma is pretty sometimes. You are safe now, try and take comfort in that.

I felt bad for my siblings that are a decade younger, but for me it was kinda meh, separated from her long before she was ailing…over the years helped younger siblings with their irritation over some of the antics. Have always felt we had different mothers

good

You will never be tortured again. That is the legacy they leave behind. Relief that you will not wake up to a new something something they went out of their way to torture you with. 

Idk if this helps but I just got done reading the book “What Happened to You”. Oprah describes her final moments with her abusive mother.

I am so happy for you ❤ Mine died a little over a decade ago and i'll never forget the mountain of peace that came over me. Congratulations ❤

Both of my abusers have passed away. I never confronted, asked a single question or talked about why I was neglected and abandoned all through my childhood. It’s been 25 years since one parent died and 8 since the other died. I’ve spent the past 3 years doing deep work to try and heal my trauma wounds. It’s work and it’s hard and very painful - and I still don’t know if they were living, would I have confronted them? It’s unlikely that I would - it wouldn’t change a thing, the wounds are still within me. It might have been great to get an apology - but it still wouldn’t heal my wounds. In the movies when all is made right on “their” deathbed- is a fantasy. It takes work - my work to heal the wounds - wounds that came from others. It’s unfair and it’s also reality. I don’t know why I struggle to be furious with both my parents - I think I’m apathetic about it because there was nothing I could do at the time and no one to help me or my sibs - I had to figure things out for myself and my sibs to keep us as safe as possible to get out of there. I don’t want to waste my energy feeling anger at this point in my life- I want to leave all of it where it belongs - in my past.

My abusive father died when I was fairly young. I think I was around 13. A lot of my memories from that time are lost, but I know it was a very confusing time in my life.

My best advice is to not judge yourself about what feelings you do or don’t have. It’s not wrong to feel relieved that they’re gone, nor is it wrong to feel grief, despite the pain they caused you. Your emotions are valid, no matter how conflicting they may seem in the aftermath. Don’t let anyone try to make you feel guilty for how you react to this event.

Congratulations. 🙏

With a lot of conflicting feelings. For a long time. And if I could give you some advice, it would be to not judge yourself on any of the feelings and just let them happen.

Grieving is different when it’s an abusive person that was in your life who dies. Maybe it was a stranger for you? I just assumed with CPTSD it was somebody who was chronically abusive to you. So. I don’t know. I think that we grieve differently than other people.

My abuser died a few years back. He was my father. I was in too much denial and repression at the time to fully confront it, but despite everything he did to me, I still felt the pang of his passing. It was just a shocking, overwhelming series of emotions that lasted years. He died without a will, so I was pressured by my family to manage his estate and sell our home (they didn't know what he did at the time). That whole experience was legitimately retraumatizing, and I developed the worst bought of alcoholism I've ever experienced during that time, even dabbling into some light substance abuse too. The stress and pain of losing a parental figure, on top of having to manage everything of his, made it too much to emotionally process for me, especially considering I still was in extreme denial and repression during this time. It wasn't until after the estate closed, and I moved out that everything finally came back to me. What sucks especially is that managing his estate and expenses financially ruined me, of which Im still dealing with the effects of it to this very day. It felt like even in death, he abused me all over again, so when those memories finally did start rushing back... I completely broke down. It's already horrifying enough to have a monster like that be your own parent, but it's another entirely to have to smile through it and say grace at his funeral because my younger brothers felt the pain of it all. We even gave him the burial he's always asked for, too. It killed me inside, and no one else knew it. They finally know now, and thankfully, my family was able to believe me (he was pretty abusive in general, not just sexually). My brothers weren't ever touched (as far as I know), but they were much closer to him than I was, and he definitely felt more proud of them than he was of me, so I hid the truth for as long as I could until I couldn't any more. The hardest thing I ever did was have to telly little brothers, still drowning in grief, that their father sexually abused me, and having to deal with the guilt of "ruining" that relationship and those memories that they both had with him. It fucked me up beyond belief, in some ways more than my actual lifelong abuse since I was a literal baby did.

I'm still trying to move on from it, but it does get better. All of the feelings you feel are completely valid, regardless of how contradictory some of th might be. Death affects us in ways that abuse does too, while also none at all. The amount of grief that comes with it is unlike anything I've ever experienced. On one hand, I want to be happy that my abuser is gone and can't hurt me or my mom ever again, but on the other hand... my dad is dead. All of those emotions don't make sense together, and that's perfectly okay. You are allowed and have every right to feel all the complicated feelings you feel over it. Feeling grief in your abuser's passing does not negate the abuse you experienced by them, and likewise, your abuse and trauma don't necessarily delegitimize the grief you may experience, too. Regardless of the relationship you had with your abuser, it's okay and valid to have a messy flurry of radically opposing emotions and feelings over it. Death and Abuse each create their own forms of grief, and that's okay.

I wish you nothing but all the healing and support and love in the world, OP, as with everyone else whos experiencedthis kind of pain, and know that you're never alone with these kinds of emotions and feelings.

I am curious. We haven't spoken since 1998, and I think he's still alive in his 80s. I know he was last year. I don't know how I'll find out, I guess eventually I'll find out, probably a long time after he's passed, and probably by accident. He did remarry, and I think she's still alive in her 70s.

My curiosity is who dies first. If he does, she gets everything, that's how it goes. Then when she dies, I think she has a niece via her estranged sister, so she'll get it all. End of story.

If his wife dies first, I am his only direct descendent, and it gets complicated. I really don't want to deal with his crap or final remains. But if I don't, they'll go to his only grandson, my son, and they never really got to know one another. I think he last saw him when he was 8, and my dad completely ignored him. I don't want my son to deal with that crap, so I guess I'll have to. Ugh.

Personally I'd be fucking stoked lol I wouldn't have to look over my shoulder anymore.

Congrats, OP you're safe now. <3

he went to my school and i found out through a school-wide email that he had died. i was in class. i've never been so hysterical in my life when i found out, and i'll never forget it.

or months i felt really crazy. so strange. it's horrible to say, but in some ways it felt like it would have been easier if i loved him or had a good relationship with him, because the confusion of it all was so torturous. i know that's not the case. i relapsed, i felt guilty, and i remember eventually being angry about that. it felt like i couldn't be mad at him anymore since he played the trump card. he betrayed me in pretty horrible ways, and i believe he was a sociopath. AND it was so painful. he decided to torture me through the entire ordeal of his pain (messaging insanely manipulative scary shit, finding my mom's phone number and telling her unspeakable things about me) in the process. this is rambly, but the complexity of that feeling can't be put into words, and i'm sorry you're going through this.

this is NOT a suggestion, everyone deals differently and i respect people who felt pure relief when their abuser died, but this is just my experience:

eventually i developed sympathy for him. i imagined him as a child and the things he went through and how many people probably failed him. and how devastated his mother is, and his family who seemed to adore him. i know that he was an incredibly broken person who nobody could fix besides himself. i remember that he wanted to die. he was manipulative and sad and mean and emotionally abusive. he would bring me bao buns from chinatown and we'd watch adventure time together. it's the oddest feeling.

it's hard to have to hold lots of feelings at once and honor them all. i felt better as months went on, but i weirdly felt the need to return to his obituary for a long time afterwards. i read the condolences constantly to remind myself he was loved and a little boy once. the worst part is knowing that it's over, in some ways. there is no way he can be forgiven and know it, or rehabilitate himself. currently i'm just sad when i think about him. the anger has almost gone away, but it was hard. don't judge your grief however it manifests. don't listen to anyone who tells you how to feel. just let it happen and know it will always change and get easier.

dms are open, thinking of you, friend.

I couldn’t have cared less when my sadistic molesting older brother died. Even on his deathbed he wouldn’t apologize. I took satisfaction in knowing he was finally going to feel all the pain he inflicted on me and how he ruined my life. The world’s a better place now.

It's normal to feel completely opposite feelings at the same time. For real. It's a relief to me, every day, that my dad is dead. I still miss him sometimes and wish my partner could've met him. (He wasn't all bad.)

I was lucky enough to have two weeks paid bereavement leave, and I felt weird about taking it but I'm glad I did--I wasn't consciously sad, but my *body* felt like I had major depression. I was bone-deep exhausted, and dumb as fuck, and I couldn't focus on anything at all. I couldn't read anything longer than a paragraph. I could like watch dumb youtube shit. And surf social media. And that was it. For like two months.

Grief is different for every person. There is no "wrong" way to feel about this. You can be angry or sad or happy, you can be all of them at the same time, you can bounce between them from day to day.

You are not required to forgive them even though they're dead.

If you have a close friend or sibling or significant other, lean on them. You don't even have to talk about the dead person if you don't want to. I was long-distance with my partner when my dad died and they video-called me every single day of my bereavement leave. We didn't talk about my dead dad, we talked about random other shit. But I needed that connection with another human being.

I let myself cry really hard. I didn't let anyone question my emotions, I validated everything I was feeling. Even if it didn't make immediate sense, feeling it and releasing it was more important than understanding it.

I loved her very much, no amount of abuse changed that. Simultaneously, for all I was put through, I'm happy she's gone.

She had called me one last time, I didn't answer. I can't regret or be ashamed of what I had to do to defend myself from her.

There's no going back, I made the best decision to protect who I was then.

All the same, for as much as she hated me, I miss her. I didn't just mourn her, but the part of me that she destroyed, and what I missed out on, had she not hated me.

People close to me who knew the situation could not understand how I was so grieved by my abusers death. I distanced myself from them for about a year until I could handle it, I wasn't going to waste energy explaining myself.

I'm sorry your abuser passed, I hope and pray you have peace and comfort.

When I was 17 my step father who abused me my whole childhood committed suicide. It was an extreme mix of emotions because while I was afraid of him he was the dad I knew...he was also my brother's biological father and he didn't abuse him so it was a different dynamic and being close with my brother back then I was really sad for him...I was in counciling at the time for the abuse and went to teen alanon meetings for his alcoholism prior to him even killing himself. To be honest as 20 years has passed and it has made me lighter as a person I was able to forgive him coz he clearly had demons and I was able to heal...a lot. when all said and done he did me favor because I was able to go on with my life and let him go where he stayed. I often wonder if it be different if he was alive but I'm greatful iv healed while still having a lot of empathy for his situation.

I'm sorry to hear that. I know a lot of us have complex feelings about grieving someone who hurt you so much. Often our feelings about this person are tied up with our identities and all of the qualities that were stolen from us over the course of the abuse: a positive worldview, innocence, naivety, a willingness to please, etc. Following the death, it's not like in the movies where the villain explodes and your superpowers are returned to you. It can be confusing because the abuser can never hurt you again, and yet, you don't feel differently than you did yesterday.

Find a therapist that specializes in complex grief. Be kind to yourself. And know that people out there are going through precisely the same situation. This is unfortunately very common. If you can't afford therapy, try ALANON or Codependents Anonymous.

Mine died several years ago, I was relieved and still am thankful for my freedom. I kept trying to save a dead relationship.

Please DM me. My post history may show an inkling of what I've been through, but I have been through what you're going through. It's so complex. I'm sorry about what you're dealing with. So few people can understand how it feels.

My abuser/partner/complex relationship person died in my arms 2 years ago - shit was so hard and still is - I’m not an expert but here to chat if you want

Can you identify what some of your feelings are?

I haven't experienced this yet, so I can't comment on it specifically, however Susan David's work on emotional agility has been extremely helpful in teaching me how to grieve and feel my way through complex emotions. Be gentle with yourself. It's okay to not be okay.

Here's one person's experience: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcRUj8H3rc4

My abuser mom passed like 8-9 years ago, before I really understood what effect the abuse had on me. It was very conflicting for me aswell, and I spent years mixing between feeling relieve and grieve, because I didnt know what was right to do. Then I realized:

I lost both the mom I had imagined/wished I had, and my abuser. And to me, those are two seperate people. One I grieve and the other I feel relieved.

Now I dont know your relation with the abuser or what feelings are conflicting you, but it might feel the same.

My advice would be to let yourself feel what comes natural, and dont let your mind tell you its wrong. Sometimes we have two feelings about one thing, and thats alright! You're not a bad person for feeling relief or being happy. But your trauma does not mean anything less or becomes insignificant just because you feel sad over the death. If there was things unsaid or something you wish you had done, you have to find a way to let that go and be at peace with the fact its too late.

Well done for putting you first. Hope you're surviving x

Trauma surfacing but also relief?

I found out my "dad" died via a Google search. This erupted so many feelings - especially anger and gender dysphoria. It also made me realize how little everyone in my family (especially "dad's" side) cared about me. But now that I am in therapy, I am realizing how much I don't care about them, and just want them to be distant memories.

Externally they are gone from the physical realm. Internally their words and behaviour can still affect you, so now the work is on the internal level. Trying to establish the internal boundaries so when we are reminded of the abusive things they said or did to us it is now our job to say NO & Stop it to get distance from all of that.

My father died in 2019; I felt nothing. He died miserable and alone and I took solace in knowing that. I did go to the funeral but walked out as soon as I saw she (his wife) gave him some honors he didn't deserve (related to vietnam...long story but he was never in nam). I walked out and have zero regrets.

Congratulations I hope you’re doing okay. Sending hugs to you

I personally haven’t experienced this, but I think writing could help your conflicting feelings. I feel that journaling in the form of writing letters that to the person can be therapeutic so you aren’t ruminating on your conflicting feelings. You could write multiple, for every day that you feel something differently until you feel like you’ve said everything you need to.

Yay! :)

I check for an obituary at least once a week. At 91, it's going to be sooner than later, right? I think its safe for you to breathe a sigh of relief and don't feel bad about it.

My folks died a while back. My dad, I had the best last conversation with him. Pretty much everyone else he has a piss tight. My mom (less of an abuser than a huge enabler) I was at her side when she passed. I didn’t hold her hand. I held her arm. A small point of distinction which I think makes a difference - was too powerful for me.

For me, that ended any potential of closure. Of how did you let this happen”. He actually turned to be a good grandfather - the constraints and responsibilities pretty different.

So, I don’t really have a conclusion here. It’s all over the map. Lots of emotions.

I ended up going and doing a trauma intensive retreat and stayed very low profile for about a year. My abuser which was my mother passed away and it was a whirlwind of emotions but then it also felt like freedom and resolution to move forward and on.

I finally came out of the fog and saw the reality of my life and some of the blindspots and started to heal and rebuild my life. It's been challenging, rewarding, and everything in-between.

I haven't experienced this yet, but I will encounter this experience in the near future and have been wondering how to handle such a circumstance.

I'm so very sorry. I can only imagine the mix of emotions you're experiencing! I hope that you are able to be kind to yourself through all of this, as you're processing it.

My heart goes out to you.

Both of mine are gone. I did most all of the emotional disconnection years ago. It was still a bit of processing the finality. Pretty minimal overall effect, though. It was finally over. They took enough from. Death took no more.

Oof. I'm sorry and congratulations.

My abuser died a year ago (and coincidentally, he was my father, so extra mixed feelings), and I feel like I lost a few months just out of pure survival because I couldn't let myself think about or even do anything that reminded me of him.

Time and distance is the main thing, as much as it sucks to hear, but maybe find someone you can talk things through with - a therapist or close friend. A lot of talking and reflecting has put me in a place where it hurts a hell of a lot less.

And if you're not a talker, maybe look into journaling?

Sending good vibes your way. I hope you can heal.

good riddance and congrats

When one of my ausers died (my grandma) i had to see my father cry and i had to see so many morn the monster who hurt me (well one of them) my sister told me "this is what you wanted right?" Even when it wasnt my fault. I didnt cry but i felt guilt and i felt bad for my abuser a little...i didnt know what to think since that was also the first time someone in my close close family had died. But when i told my friends. They celebrated and congradulated me. Dont get me wrong i still feel bad for her. But even if im free a little bit i dont miss her. You will be okay these feelings are normal and i hope u heal

Mine did on my 1 year sober anniversary, killed himself with a drug OD after texting me that he was going to do it. I was sad mad and happy. Relieved. Survivors guilt. Angry i never got closure on my terms. Angry that he couldn’t get sober. Angry that he put me in so much debt and left me with it. But overall? Relief. I had empathy for my abuser, and now he is at peace. And so am i. Biggest advice; therapy.

Hell yeah!!! You’re valid to go through the motions!!

Any and all emotions (or no emotions) are totally understandable. It’s a death with far greater complexity than you’ll be able to process immediately. It’ll take time.

Sending all the good vibes and comfy feelings ✨

I mostly felt sad for him. My abuser, like so many others, was abused themselves, and his death was a very unpleasant one.

None of us are born like that. If there's a silver lining, it's that I broke that cycle.

I did have the benefit that I'd cut off contact with him eight years earlier, and it'd been even longer since he was a regular part of my life.

I have RTS - Religious Trauma Syndrome (technically diagnosed with PTSD; the other label is just more specific.) When I found out that Jack Chick, a nut job evangelical comics artist, had died I felt a lot of unexpected things. Have compassion for yourself. You’re not alone

I celebrated. I experienced a wave of seemingly good fortunes in the year following the death. This persons exist on earth was LITERALLY an energy blocker even tho I had gone no contact. They still lived within 45 min and still actively trying to antagonize me despite no contact.

Breathe, cry, laugh and be SO SO SO KIND & LOVING to yourself

TW rape and molestation

The man who molested me died of a heart attack about 15 years after the assault (no one believed me). It was such a conflicting thing to think about, I wanted to be sad kind of bc I never got justice. I was happy though too bc he had gone on to rape his step niece a year after he molested me (his step daughter). For years I struggled with being happy that someone had died but also knowing I’d never get my justice.

I see you, I feel you. If you’re in therapy make an appointment asap if not find one to work through these complicated feelings.

I never shed a tear for mine when he died.

Ja! Im so happy for you!

My family member is still pressuring me to make amends towards mine abuser( mother). I can't seem to find the words them to understand, this will not happen. I’m sorry for the anguish this has caused you.

I was happy. I was sad. I got rip roaring drunk. I had nightmares for six months afterwards reliving all the abuse. Everything was revealed. I have no regrets with my behavior toward them anymore. I mourned my loss, that of a real father that I would never have. And I celebrated his reign of terror was over. After six months, I felt free for the first time in my life.

Happy for you

Congratulations 💜✨

My stepdad, who was a drug addict and alcoholic, died two years ago. I hadn’t seen him sober in the last 5 years of his life, but i remember that time when he was a pretty good dad. My mom left him a year before he died. I had mixed feelings but mostly, I didn’t care. I’ve cried on his funeral but other than that… there was nothing. I need to say that there wasn’t any SA, but there was physical and emotional abuse

I experienced this last year. Conflicted is such a good way to describe the feeling. I chose not to attend the funeral and I'm so pleased with my decision. I felt guilty at the time but I've been feeling more and more free with time.

His judgment and punishment is in the hands of god now.

Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. There is no right and no wrong.

Good.

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Great. Rot in hell to him and congratulations to you