Moderator removed post
I (m 30s) have a coworker (f 20s-30s) who refers to me by "honey", "sweetie", and "babe". It makes me uncomfortable.
What if OP’s name isn’t Bob; wouldn’t that be even more weird?
I think this is the best response
Is your coworker that does this from the South? It's not uncommon for people from the South to call everyone pet names. I've been guilty of it myself but I've been out of the South a long time and lost that habit along the way. I'm not invalidating your discomfort, but calling everyone pet names might be what this person has done for their whole life and doesn't realize it's problematic because it's cultural.
Deep South southerner here.
I take cues from people. Example. I started a new job, and I noticed a coworker called everyone “sunshine” - I concluded that me calling her “love” wouldn’t be problematic. And it wasn’t. In the same instance, I noticed one coworker was a little more stoic - she addressed people by their name/preferred, so in turn, I addressed her by hers.
Everyone felt respected and happy in the end.
lol, I (63 y.o. Southern Lady) once had a lady from another department call me “Baby Cakes.” I loved it.
I’ve been guilty of calling people Hon and Sweetie, usually intended to signal that I’m harmless and that I feel fondly toward them.
My desk mate at work is an older southern lady and her cute little nicknames for me make my day.
Yeah, same here. Although I am absolute shit at remembering names, so Hon and Sweetie fill in.
Same thought. I have to work hard not to do it at work.
I’m from the northeast and I have to remind myself not to call everyone ‘dear’ and I don’t know where it came from. My family doesn’t do it. Maybe I should move to the south lol
"babe" is almost never used here like that really.
Honey and sweetie definitely are but babe is mostly a movie stereotype.
It’s ok to say you just don’t like pet names. Totally valid. If she causes a problem, that’s what HR is for.
I call ppl things like “beebee” or “dahling” because I’m getting close to middle age and I’m weird, but if someone asked me to stop I would.
If need be, maybe run your concern by your immediate supervisor, and that you plan to speak to her before escalating- that you’re telling them in case something goes sideways. Cause “cover your butt” is always smart.
Have you ever thought that maybe you too make some people uncomfortable, but they were too shy / afraid of consequences to ask you to stop?
Beebee and dahling as you put it really gives me the creeps.
I dunno, I’m an ardent feminist who grew up in California, and if I had a coworker I was friendly with who occasionally called me “dahling” like Zsa Zsa Gabor, I’d just find it amusing.
I do agree that one should be careful about this kind of thing, but a lot of it depends on how good a person is at reading social cues. Someone who deploys this kind of thing selectively with people who give positive social cues when they do may be navigating it fine.
Yes! Like Zsa Zsa Gabor! I’m not hitting on them, there’s a whole voice and flourish and sometimes I bow. I worked a job where new hires had to ask me a LOt of questions and they always looked so scared, so it’s intended to lighten the mood, and kind of erode the power dynamic because I needed them to ask so we could train them properly, or fix the issue before it got bigger. Also, I have resting bitch face, so I know I look intimidating.
BUT, it’s normally pretty obvious when someone doesn’t like it, and I stop. And certainly if I’m asked to.
Dahhhhhling, I purrrrrfectly understand! :D
Ooh, morphed from Zsa Zsa to Eartha Kitt!
😆
I disagree, I personally like it, but this could also be a southern/mid-west thing were everybody calls each other that. If it happens to you, be responsible and inform them to not do that but don't be so intolerant as to state every body shouldn't do speak that way.
This isn't a mid west thing.
Midwest here and can confirm. I moved south and complete strangers call me sweetie, honey, love, etc. I HATE it! Most of the Midwestern folks I know are far too reserved, stoic, or conservative (not meaning in the political sense) to use pet names for people.
okay, so i’m from the south and call people “hun”, “shug”, “dear”, “angel”- i moved to hawaii and im a manager of over 50 employees. most of them find it endearing. i’ve asked because i got embarrassed that it might be strange. most have said they don’t think twice about it. others say it’s nice or they don’t mind! i think part of it is inflection, maybe? it’s hard to train out of someone who has done it for their entire life. maybe i sound naive but im offering my experience. if HR asked me not to do this, i would be more mindful.
Do they call you Auntie in return?
lol, i’m not much older than a lot of them, but the younger ones sometimes do
Lol I’m a Carolina girl and it hurts my feelings when I’m not called a pet name!
I’m from SC and despise pet names.
Really? You hate it? I just moved to the south from out west, and I think it's absolutely charming. It makes me feel welcomed, and like I fit in. Yeah, I know they say that to everyone, but still, it seems sweet, and I know it doesn't mean they think we're in a relationship, so what's the harm?
I just have bad experiences with hr, and where I live they can fire for no reason and it's legal. I have thought about just bringing it up to a manager though. I have a couple I might be able to talk to about it.
I personally would just start with a conversation with a coworker. I don’t like it when people escalate before going directly to the source. Unless there’s a legit safety concern or something, but this is basic interpersonal conflict.
Just have a basic conversation in 3 parts.
1- hi, I’m not really comfortable with pet names
2- but this is just me- I don’t want you to think you have to change completely as others seem to enjoy it
3- I really appreciate you listening, I’m glad I could come to you
Don't start with HR, start with co-worker.
Tell her to stop & to address you by your name.
Keep saying it, and note if she continues. Only then should you bring it up to HR or your manager
Good luck!!!!
Why not start with the coworker, herself? She may not realize it bothers you. She may have grown up someplace where it's common to use those terms. It would be one thing if you'd asked her to stop and she wouldn't and then you went to management but you haven't tried to solve this at the lowest level.
I had an employee in a retail store in California respond to an email and address me as Darling. I immediately cancelled my order. I’d never been called Darling and I really hated it. I thought about it and to this day I can’t say exactly why. I know I over reacted. I know they didn’t mean anything bad. But it was just like a drill in my temple.
I had a femal work colleague 1 year older who insisted on calling me "little girl." I had to shut that down.
here in New Orleans, it's "Cap", "Podna", Dawlin'", "Hawt"...
CYA is always a person's number one job task.
I’m getting close to middle age
I truly hate that as an excuse - NO, it was not 'a different time', it was not acceptable then, or whatever else. It is boundary pushing and making excuses. Call people by their names unless you have the established closeness to allow for pet names.
I call ppl things like “beebee” or “dahling” because I’m getting close to middle age and I’m weird, but if someone asked me to stop I would.
I’d think a post where someone is saying they hate stuff like this and are really uncomfortable but are worried to say something, should be a reality check that what you’re doing is also not okay
HR is there for the best interests of the company. Not the employees.
If you do talk with her, do it quietly and don’t embarrass her in front of coworkers.
It is possible that this is her go to because she has difficulty remembering names. I had a coworker do this as well, when I asked her to use my name, she admitted that she couldn't remember it....or most people's.
I don’t resort to pet names, but I am guilty of “Oh heeeey….you!” I sometimes couldn’t introduce my husband to people because I not only couldn’t remember their name, but in the moment I wasn’t 100% sure of my husband’s, either. It’s a problem
Edit: always an issue for me; doesn’t appear to be related to aging.
Are you sure she even knows anyone's name? She could be one of those people for whom names are forever elusive and this is her workaround. So it's more like "Hey there ... buddy. Sure thing ... hon.
Still though, it would be perfectly fine to ask her to use your name, especially in a professional setting.
I hate to admit it, but I have done something similar to cover forgotten names. "Hey Chief, hand me that crow-bar?" Or "Buddy, give us a hand?" For example. I didn't realize initially upon reading OP's post, but your explanation is entirely possible
I've literally blanked on names of my own kids because the anxiety of forgetting a name is huge!
That said I make an effort for any human I and or my kids will be interacting with. BUT the more I get to know you the more I fall into comfortable patterns and that would be honey or baby. Kids are sometimes interesting when you slip up and treat students like kids. As in idc which kid your are baby you are special and worth so much!
Just tell her you don't like it...
This! I cannot believe that I had to scroll down to see this message
If everyone likes her and she’s friendly you’re going to look like the AH. If she’s been there awhile then that is an indication others are okay with it.
Give it some time, the more you get to know her the more you may like her and it won’t bother you, or the easier it will be to say, “Hey now, my name’s Bob, sweetie.” And you can joke with her a bit while getting her to call you by your name.
Kind of a first world problem.
Agreed. This is a very small issue. Ok to inquire and express your preference, but OP may look like a fool for making much of a deal about it. As long as it's dished out for everyone and isn't harassment, drop it.
The easiest way is to accept it and stop being "offended". It sounds like there just being polite. This generation is screwed
I feel like there is a middle ground. You can choose not to be offended but also let someone know that you prefer to be called by your name. That’s something any reasonable person would be fine with.
I do the nicknames at times. Honestly, just say 'hey, I feel a bit weird about that type of nickname. Could you just call me batman instead?'
I have a friend who very adamantly only allows his wife to call him sweetie or babe, or whatever. He told me that, so I am very careful to always call him Matt.
You can't be fucking serious
Now we’re getting people in trouble at work for having a silly habit? She does this to everyone. Not just OP.
Every little thing that annoys you or you find aggravating ISN’T abuse, harassment or toxic.
This is the world we live in now.
OP sounds like a snowflake..
Not worth starting trouble over.
Maybe she has trouble remembering names. But just ask her. This is not an HR issue. They would refer you back to your manager
Are you in the South? Because we do that down here. I am close to official senior status and speak that way. But…I read the room and if someone seems uncomfortable I try not to address them that way. Also, some people use those terms because they can’t remember peoples’ names.
You can mention to your coworker that those greetings make you uncomfortable. But, honestly , since she is not singling you out it seems more just her speech pattern.
But not an HR issue. Because she is not singling you out. She applies it to everyone.
Try talking to her about it.
I might politely correct her whenever she uses these terms and remind her of your name. Don’t engage if she gets defensive (don’t give even a hint of an excuse for her to complain that YOU are being impolite) but whenever she calls you anything but your name, smile back and say “please call me “……”
If this escalates, you can point out that if a man were calling a woman “sweetie” it would hardly be seen as appropriate, especially if the woman asked to be called by her name. Let her know that you like your new job and co workers and you appreciate the environment in which everyone seems to feel respected (you shouldn’t have to say any of this crap but “you catch more flies with honey” and work place drama is hell).
Escalate to your supervisor if you have to! Personally I try to avoid that at all costs because some people are shit but we also spend like 40 hours a week with them and I’m too old to deal with snide comments or side eyes anymore. I used to call out everyone’s BS but I’m learning that it’s less emotional labour for me to pretend to be a nice, even tempered person (in the workplace 😂)
I’m female, I’ve had to tell co-workers to cut out the pet names before, you have the same right!
It’s really the bare minimum. Sounds like your co-worker “doesn’t mean anything by it” but you still deserve basic respect, especially in the work place.
Reddit has only two answers. Divorce or therapy. Since the two of you are not married, it's therapy. Go get some.
" I prefer to be called [insert your name here]."
Just tell her straight up, "please call me by name, thank you"
Using stupid pet names in the workplace is extremely unprofessional. We had a co worker who called both fellow employees and patients "Buddy". It's condescending and in my opinion, attention seeking. She eventually got fired due to a myriad of other annoying traits as well
Can’t stand this. The pet names insinuates a level or closeness and familiarity and intimacy that I would not feel for my coworkers.
Tell her your truth flat out. It makes you uncomfortable. Please stop.
You have to tell her. Do not ask. Inform.
I hate this with the strength of a thousand suns. It's totally inappropriate in the workplace. I might call a friend or family member darling or baby in a casual setting, but it is a power play in the office.
You don't have any choice except to say "Please don't call me that, it feels like a put down" or it makes you uncomfortable, etc. You will be doing her a favor in the long run.
BTW I'm a Deep South southerner too.
I absolutely hate that too. It’s so unprofessional. The only thing you can do is ask her to stop. It may create some tension, but what happens if your frustration builds and you go off at her. I also hate when you go into a shop as a customer, and the workers there do it.
I tell them. It is so offensive and condescending for strangers or casual acquaintances to refer to you by these very personal terms of endearment. I hate it. I simply tell them that my name is Mary and I am not your dear or honey or babe. Please call me by my name. If they refuse go to HR. It is actually a form of sexual harassment. I have never understood why anyone would think this is okay.
Literally wondering if you're my coworker, lmao. I do this to everyone.
Just tell her you know it's a term of endearment, but you personally don't like it. She won't know unless you tell her.
That is unprofessional AF.
I suspect some of those other people are also not comfortable with the verbal intimacy, and you might be doing them a favor by questioning it. It sounds unprofessional to me, Guess it depends on the type of work and the industry.
Edit to add location: lifetime Chicagoan
“My name is Whateveryournameis. Please refer to me by my name. Honey/Sweetie/Babe makes me uncomfortable.”
Yes, except change it to “….Honey/Sweetie/Babe is unprofessional” — because it is!
I would not ask “would you mind”. She might say yes. Tell her, don’t ask, to use your name. Say my name is ——. Please use it. Every single time. If i she continues, go to HR.
That's not your coworker, that's a diner waitress
It's very unprofessional. It's intentional if she can manage to NOT do with management.
Ask her to stop. Then ask HR to ask her to stop if she doesn't.
Request to her that she use your name.
Sounds cultural (been sweetie and hun for decades), especially in South.
Tell her I know you mean well and it’s a cultural thing but you prefer she uses your name. Then let it go after a few reminders.
This is annoying yes but not a hill to die on.
Tell her, don't ask her, directly not to call you anything but your preferred name.
Just say something to her. She can’t read your mind!
Oh my god, I think you started at the job I just started at
I would probably wait for a moment when the person has just said it so I could respond in the situation. I’d probably also try to be kinda funny about it so the conversation stays friendly. Like making a gaggy face than then saying “I feel so weird when you say things like that to me”. Maybe you can both have a good laugh about it.
Start calling her sugar, darling, etc. which I have found to work against men. Might work for you too.
I say things like dear heart because I have the kind of voice that gets misconstrued easily, meaningwise. That said, if someone told me they didn’t like it, I’d stop immediately. Have you spoken to them about it?
Child, just have a nice private conversation and explain to her you do not like pet names used on the job, since you are not friends and never will be. Hopefully she will get the idea from that.
I realize that this is not r/comebacks, but I would go with “darling! I didn’t know you cared!”
You could just tell her you prefer her use your real name. If not, in form your manager but also tell manager that you will start calling her 'bunny'. See if she gets the message and you won't get flagged since your manager knows you just want it to stop.
Oh, if the sexes were reversed you'd already be required to take a sexual harassment seminar. Stand up for yourself and don't let anyone objectify you.
Keep it simple. Tell coworker, "Hey Babette, I prefer being called my name." If she should make an excuse, like , " It's just how I am!" Restate, "I prefer my name" Dun
Tell her you appreciate it but please stop. She was probably raised in the south and that’s how we speak until asked to stop.
Approach her privately and contritely with a “this is a me-thing” attitude:
“Hi, Mary? I know it’s a term of endearment and you don’t mean anything bad by it, but … for some reason, terms like this never sat well with me. Would it be ok if you called me [your name]?”
This approach is not natural to me at all 😁 But it’s never not worked. Even with the guy viewing porn loudly in the train station. 🙄
Talk to her in person first. The best way to cause tension in the work place is to report her to superiors. Just ask her if she could just use your name or maybe come up with a nickname. Let her know that you would feel more comfortable if she didn't use pet names.
Years ago a coworker showed up with a perm in his hair. Someone at work teased him and started calling him "curly". The nickname stuck. The guy is now 60 and has had straight hair his whole life, and we all still call him curly.
I have a woman on my team who calls me ladybug 🐞. At first it was odd, but it’s a sweet term of endearment to me now. But casually mention it to your boss if you don’t feel comfortable saying anything to them directly.
Tell them your dear departed mother used to call you that and it makes you sad and you can't concentrate on work.
You need to tell her to stop, and it is uncomfortable. That if you, a male, were to use those pet names on her, she would most likely find it sexist and condescending. My name is _ _ _ _.
Not acceptable. Sounds misogynistic (Andrew Tate follower) Tell them this and repeat your name. If it continues, tell them you will report them, but you would rather not have to. (Hoping they get the message to stop on their own.) If not, follow through.
My advice just ignore it. People who vent minor feelings are seen as high maintenance. Pick your battles.
Somebody touches you … go straight to HR.
How about "I prefer to be called by my name." Or "Please don't call me sweetie/baby/honey." Or use humor-- "Only my mom is allowed to call me baby." Asking a work colleague, politely, not to refer to you by a pet name is not being argumentative or unfriendly. You're not screaming at them or threatening them. (And, yes, they probably will slip up at least a few times.)
Just correct her politely, and say, I'd like to be called Biff.
Okay initially I read this as she was singling you out and I thought that was weird and completely reasonable to speak up about. However, if she does it to everyone and no one else seems bothered, that’s a bit different, because it suggests that it’s just workplace culture to do that kind of thing, and yeah, you might come across as a bit of a killjoy if you make a big deal about it.
I guess I’d say two things. First, think about why it bothers you, really. Is it because it suggests a level of familiarity or closeness you don’t reciprocate? In that case, remember that if she’s doing it to everyone it doesn’t actually signal that she feels more familiar or close to you than she does to literally any other human being. It’s just a verbal tic. She might be socialized to feel like calling people only by names is too formal once you’ve established a friendly relationship.
A slightly passive-aggressive way to put her on notice that you don’t love it is to say, in a friendly voice, “hey, I noticed that you use pet names a lot for people, which makes me wonder if as a new employee you’re having trouble keeping up with everyone’s names. Just so you know, it’s always okay to ask for a reminder! I’m Bob and I know it’s hard to keep names straight when you’re new.”
If she says something like “Oh, Bob, of course I know who you are! I just call you honey cause we’re friends!” then you smile and say, again in a friendly voice, “Oh, that’s sweet, but just Bob is great, honestly.”
And if that fails… well, we’ve all got coworkers that annoy us. 🤷♀️
The thing about this - and the important reason that you want to speak to the person if possible - unless you feel like they will react in an unprofessional manner, the important reason you re tell them first, is the first question HR should ask: is if you told them how you feel? You never want a coworker to be surprised. But if you have told them and it persists, the. You report it. Sexual harassment is a serious offense and should be treated as such. That means HR has to investigate immediately. This will escalate pretty quickly. And another thing, once this is finished if there is ANY retaliation by the worker, or one of their close associates - report it. That’s illegal, and usually results in termination for the offending party.
“Hey Sheryl, good morning. Just a heads up I’m not comfortable with pet names or terms of endearment. I appreciate that you use them and I think a lot of other people really enjoy it, so if you can just use my name with me going forward I’d appreciate it”.
So tell hwr
Be respectful and professional and ask coworkers to call you by ur name. Simple. Get out of the bubble. Its perfectly fine.
I would just tell her my name is blank. It is not sweetie, honey, etc. if that doesn’t work, then you go to HR.
Leave it alone
I dont mind being called these things..... I get that it makes some uncomfortable
I would politely at first say it was sweet that she use these names, but it does make you feel uncomfortable at work.
I do this all the time. I’m not trying to be rude or cross a boundary, but, even after knowing someone or working with them for years, I will be incapable of matching a name to a person. (On one hand, it’s great, because I don’t have to worry about office gossip, because I never know who we’re talking about, on the other hand it sucks, cause I never get told the office gossip cause….) It’s a genuine neurological condition, according to my doctor,. I do make a specific point of warning new hires I do this, and apologising sincerely beforehand, and explaining that I will make an effort to NOT do this if it offends them. So far, I have found that once they realise that I do this with EVERYBODY - even managers - and that I genuinely cannot name someone I have worked with for years, they are very kind about it.
If a conversation with her is not possible, maybe lean into it and call her "bro" "dude" etc. when she uses those terms with you. "Heya, sweetie, how are ya?" "Good, bro. Thanks for askin."
I had a coworker who did something similar, only it was specific to me because of my first name. (If my name was Fannie, she would always greet me as Fannie Mae.) It drove me bonkers, but I also knew that if I mentioned it to her, she would take it personally, get moody, and it would become A Thing for weeks. So I turned it back and would greet her with a different middle name every time I saw her. I just ran through the alphabet, and it was about F or G that she realized, thought it was funny, and made it a game.
i would pull her aside and say no disrespect, you’re a nice person but im not personally comfortable with the petnames so i would appreciate if you use my name.
Your the new addition to a team? And you wanna disrupt that vibe because a woman calls you honey? Go ahead and talk to someone there ill bet your wages your looking for a job not her. Hate to say it but that is clearly not the job for you! Dont go jnto construction because im sure being called dumbass would hurt your feelings. This is why no kne wants to be nice tto there own neighbours. You need to grow a pair and grow up.
You need some backbone.
Talk to her.
"Mabel, I really don't like it when people call me sweetie/honey/babe. Please stop calling me that. I prefer to be addressed as Leroy or Roy. Thanks for understanding."
I’m on the board of a local volunteer organization. I recently noticed that in the minutes of our last meeting, the secretary (who doesn’t like me—no active animosity, just cool and dismissive) uses my nickname with my last name. I use my nickname sparingly, never introduce myself with it. I don’t know how I’ve missed this all this time, but I went to them and asked if, going forward, they would use my full name in the official reports. There was a little impatient eye flick, but they said yes. We’ll see.
I know I’m kind of picky about my name. I have a name that everyone shortens, and I’ve learned to be okay with that, but I never tell people to use that. I am also picky about how it’s spelled. My name has an unexpected double letter, and people always try to spell the nickname with the double letter, but I don’t do that.
I’m guilty of the endearment thing, though. I usually call kids sweetie and adults love when I use those.
I had a 23 ish year old f saying stuff like that to me over teams. I just said hey I need to ask you a favor. I can’t have you talking to me like that especially on teams. I’m married and work home and I wouldn’t want my wife to see that and get the wrong idea. She stopped and all was good. Just try to bring it up like it’s not a big deal but you’d feel better if she didn’t call you by those names.
I'll tell you how I approached my co-worker about calling me sweetie. I asked her to go to lunch one day and said.... I'm not the sweetest person, and I'd love for you to call me a nickname instead.
So for 15 years she called me loo loo.
She passed away recently, and I miss those names now.
I have a friend who calls every female he encounters “honey” , “sweetheart” or “sugar”. Told him it makes me uncomfortable - worked at a job for 18 years where I could have been terminated on the spot for pulling something like that (granted, the problem is also that I don’t like being reminded about that particular company ). He said he’s from Georgia and it’s considered polite to talk like that. It makes my skin crawl.
“I’ll correct you” is still pretty aggressive. If this guy doesn’t care if people don’t like him, then go for it. But that is coming off very unlikeable, and lacking in the ability to handle a social situation without being unnecessarily unpleasant.
Blow it off
"Please just use my name, instead of a term of endearment. I like to keep things professional. Thanks"
Nobody can come after you for that. Start journaling with times and dates, in case it becomes a war of words.
has anyone thought about what happens to team dynamics/ environment because of small things like this? What happens if OP reports this to HR and things leak out and most of the times they do…….
I'm sorry, why not simply ask her to stop? In fact, tell her the same thing you wrote here.
I assume this is in the south. It’s jarring how they use these phrases. Just try not to over react. They mean well and it is truly an expression of positivity. That being said, you aren’t obligated to allow it. Just take other people’s advice and gently address it. Try to be patient as it’s going to be a hard habit for them to break.
The first thing I would do if I was in the situation is take her aside one day and explain that you just don’t like nicknames like that. Say that you understand she does this to everyone and it’s not you making a judgement, you just are uncomfortable with, that type of language of family/romantic relationships.
Give her a chance to change the behaviour, correct her two or three times, and then go to management. I always like to give coworkers a chance to change their behaviour by talking to them and making sure they have a chance to correct it. Especially if she’s doing it to everyone else, it’s not her attempting to be creepy.
If she cannot change the pattern in a reasonable amount of time, which I would say is five times would be my limit before I would get management involved… Then you talk to managements.
I'm in the south, and for us, it's a natural way to address someone.
That said, if someone came and said, " Hey, I just wanted to ask if you could not use pet names with me as it makes me uncomfortable..." My response is going to be, "Oh! Sorry! It's a habit I'll keep in mind you don't like it! But if I slip, just remind me, and I swear I don't mean to."
Ask the coworker to stop if it becomes an issue, you should speak to the boss, and if it's still an issue, speak to HR. No one should be uncomfortable at work because of social interactions with coworkers
The assistant manager (40s f) in the local Scotmid[1] called me (53 m) "derlin'" today, often it's "doll" but she does it to everyone, regardless of age, gender, nationality or regular customer status, her staff too ... this is not unusual or offensive in our culture, it comes across as upbeat, informal and friendly.
The corporate office happens to be walking distance from this shop so they get a ton of them grabbing lunch, and I'm sure she does it to the CEO as well.
If it's everyone then it's her manner, if you can get comfortable that there's no meaning to it, you aren't being treated differently, that is the best outcome, no matter how gently you tell her you find it offputting she's gonna be upset.
[1] "The co-op" in the Edinburgh area ... for USA, think an upscale 7-11 style chain, small supermarkets in villages and suburbs.
I’m in my late forties and interviewed a gentleman in his 50’s maybe 60’s. He kept referring to me as darling and sweetheart- during the interview. Needless to say I didn’t offer him the job.
Every time she refers to you as such, do like if you hadn’t heard her and she wasn’t talking to you. If she insists just say, oh sorry were you talking to me? My name is xxx.
Hey OP. On and off the last 30 years I learned to just turned to them and say ' please call me "XYZ Name'. Try to
Almost always worked .. some people need the request more than once.
With intro .. I have been meaning to let you know I go by my name and not endearments . Please use my name instead.
Especially the first time considered side conversation not group.
It gets easier once you have a plan.
I'm similar to you ... Couldn't stand it in especially at work .
Best wishes!
In the early 80s, when I was a newly minted attorney, I worked as a court clerk. One attorney kept calling me honey or sweetie. One day when he did that, I responded, “Sure thing, babycakes.” He looked at me and said, “Oh, you don’t like it when I call you that (honey or sweetie).” I responded, “That’s right.” He never did it again. You have to take it up several notches in order to get her attention. Of course, he was fairly intelligent.
"My name is ___."
Some people are incredibly awkward about admitting that they've forgotten someone else's name and just refuse to ask again.
Now, if you tell her your name and she keeps doing it, then you'll know it's on purpose.
Grow up.
Directly ask her not to. If it keeps continuing, stop acknowledging when your name isn't used. Then HR if need be.
I'm a woman in my 30s who occasionally uses endearments in lieu of names or honorifics, "hon" is a really popular one here in Baltimore. I once had a co-worker (m 30s) who I greeted with, "What's up, buttercup?"
He stopped and asked, "Why did you call me that?"
I responded, "Uh, I don't know, it's just something I say a lot. It rhymes."
He said, "I don't like it. I'm married."
I said, "Oh, hey, I'm sorry. I won't say that to you anymore."
And then I never said it to him again, nor did I use any other endearments. In the moment, I was embarrassed because I worried he thought I was hitting on him, but it passed quickly. Ultimately, I want to foster an amicable work environment, too, and would rather have someone be direct with me about something like this than stew in resentment while I merrily go along offending them.
I think being plain with her is totally fine, though you could spare her some embarrassment by doing so in private. Something as simple as, "Oh hey, would you mind using my name? Endearments make me uncomfortable."
Privately simply say "Hey, her name, I wanted to let you know that I'm not comfortable with pet names. (if you have a prefered nickname tell her that) if you could call me by my name or nickname it would make me feel better."
Then you follow it up with an email. "Hey, her name, I'm so glad we had a chat this afternoon about using my name. I really appreciate how respectful you were about it."
The email is to protect you if she for some reason goes insane and starts a whole thing. You have a written record of asking her to stop. HR will appreciate that.
Be kind if it takes her a weeksto stop completely, she probably does it out of habit and it's not meant to be offensive.
Not trying to be funny or sarcastic here but, it appears that your coworker is from the south and you are not.
Just politely tell the young lady that you know that calling people honey, sweetie, and babe is her way of being nice to everyone, but you would appreciate it if she would call you by your name. Tell her that you like her and enjoy working with her, but for you these are terms of endearment and are reserved for your mom, grandma, and girlfriend. You hope she understands.
As long as you are nice about it, she shouldn't be offended. I say this because I am southern woman born and raised. We sometimes use these terms with each other, (except babe) and deeper south, it's sug, sugar, and darlin', but not excessively. It sounds like your coworker is a bit extreme. She can control it as she knows it's not appropriate to use these terms when addressing management. That being said, I would not be offended and I don't know of anyone who would be offended by someone asking to be called by their name if Ithey were inadvertently called by anything else.
I live in the south and that is just a southern thing. I don't mind it. You can tell if someone's saying it condescendingly or if it's just part of the culture here.
I just flat out tell people. "Please don't use cutesy names for me, it makes me uncomfortable. My name is (Name) and I would prefer you call me that."
Start calling her, 'Mommy' to assert dominance.
I like pet names like this. I think it's sweet. But if you don't like it just tell her nicely. Smile and say please just call me Dan or whatever your name is. Don't make it a big deal.
You can go for a chat with her and ask about this. Simply say: I noticed you prefer to call people honey. Is that something you grew up with? After understanding her side of the story. Then you can tell her you think she didn’t mean any harm, but you are not comfortable being called that.
Some people are just stupid and lazy so they don't learn names. They usually just use things like this to cover it up.
It's unprofessional and weird. We have names for a reason. Be direct with her and put an end to it. Save the sweet talk cutsie pie shit for personal life. I am old with deep southern roots and would never call someone hon, sweetie, or anything but their preferred name. F that.
Give one warning that you don’t like that. If she persists, then report her.
Omg if you let this piss you off then you must not have any issues or struggles that you go thru because imo I would let it roll off my shoulder. Just saying
well, you'll never work in the South. It's when she stops calling you "honey, etc." that you should start worrying.
Relax. Learn to call her "Darlin".
I would do it back.
Please just tell her to stop. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable, it is patronizing and unprofessional.
"Just 'themedisin', please"
I said this when a male chauvinist pig orthopedic surgeon called me "'DooHickey-baby".
It worked. So far.
If you dont speak up now, it will continue.
You can do this. Best of luck.
Tell her that you would prefer if she uses your name. If she doesn't do it go to management and tell them you've asked her to stop and she won't. This is sexual harassment.
Stop crying and bang her
Start calling her Sugartits and see how she likes it
I am guilty of giving people I really like nicknames. I am from the south as many on here have mentioned this is something we are used to. If you do not like it just ask her just to use your name.
Epic how different the responses would be if we did a gender swap.
Literally just ask her that privately and in a way that communicates to her that you don't think it's a sexual thing (even if you do) but that it bothers you nonetheless)
Oh man , it’s become a habit for me to say those things, I think I was about 40ish when it started. I don’t say terms of endearments to just anybody tho . 🌸💖🌸
"Don't do that. Just call me ..." no need for further explanation. It's a declaration, not an invitation for a discussion.
If some lady at my man’s work was calling him that I would eviscerate her. Let her down gently before your significant other lets her down hard. It’s just not work appropriate.
My first thought was: Is she southern?
I understand it makes you uncomfortable, but for what it's worth I don't think there is any ill intent. It is super common for women to use those terms for anyone, regardless of how well they know you or your age difference. If it bothers you that much I would suggest just being honest with her that you're not used to be addressed that way, and would she mind addressing you by your name.
Get her a pet name that maybe she won’t like. Ninja turtles makes me think of these so downvote for me is a downvote for ninja turtles “Sweets” or “toots”
This is actually harassment. You can report to HR and they will stop it.
You could ask her not to and I would assume she would stop. She can apparently turn it off for higher ups. My boss (who is a woman) calls people sweetie in a kind of condescending way. That bothers me, but the way you describe it sounds harmless. She does it with everyone so it sounds like a habit and I would probably ignore it.
Not unusual at all, get over it. If she starts calling you sex machine, then it may mean something.
I'm not your babe, Love.
No law says you must respond to these nicknames. Ignore her.
I am a Southerner, and the honey, baby, etc. comes out of my mouth more as I have gotten older. That said, if you told me that you didn't like it, I would really try to stop. It wouldn't offend me. I don't want to make people uncomfortable.
Sometimes this is cultural and not meant to be offensive. I sometimes fall into calling people “sweetheart” but of course not everyone loves it. Just ask her to call you by your name! It’s that simple. Communicate.
My first thought was also that she might be from the south. This is totally normal.
However, since it seems to be ingrained in her for whatever reason, and you’d like to do something about having her call you without the boat, there are times that you just need to lie through your teeth.
You might take her aside and let her know that if she could call you by your name, you would sure appreciate it. And that you know that she calls everyone that, but you grew up with the most overbearing aunt.
Just tell her to think of every overbearing aunt that she has seen in the movies, and that is really how your aunt was. So she would call you sweetie and honey, and all of that and then just smother you. So it just brings back bad memories.
I know you could just straight up tell her it makes you uncomfortable. And I wish that worked all the time in real life, but we all know it doesn’t. And for somebody that does this out of habit, just the fact that it makes you uncomfortable may not be enough to get them to stop.
But if they are the type of person who has that big heart that just wants to call everyone, sweetie, them thinking that you had a horrible aunt and have some childhood trauma from it is often enough to get them to change their behavior. Because they have to feel like they’re helping you. And you just let them.
Like I said, I wish that it was enough just to tell someone that you really hate being called that. But the reality is that it often isn’t, and you’re in a position of being the new guy who would like to affect a change without rocking the boat.
Sometimes the reality of the situation just overrides the what should be of the situation
Honest advice is to let this one go. I wouldn't say anything.
I to use those words at work it’s just something I’ve always done.
if the genders were reversed im pretty sure the last thing id say is for the woman being called babe and hun against her confort to do things "quietly" and in a way to not "embarrass him in front of coworkers", what kind of world of double standards is this where the majority opinion is "oh she didnt mena anything it was harmless, if you REALLY need to cause a fuss do it discreetly or privately ti your manager" or "dont start a fuss over it, ignore it, etc"
You say, I know you’re just being kind to everyone but kindness makes me uncomfortable so please address me as asshat.
Ask her politely to call you by name. Offer to wear a name tag to help her remember. If she continues, start calling her “booger” or something equally gross as a “term of endearment”.
Ask her if she forgot your name or is having memory issues out of concern for her health.
My name is commonly shortened to a different name
I do not respond to any other name but my own and will state so on day one/interview
I’ve ignored people directly in front of me because they used Dear or Hun or a nickname
Nope
My mom calls everyone darlin. She is very southern. A lot of people use names like that because they can’t remember names. If she is calling everyone that, just smile.
I’ve been guilty of “honey” but babe??? Even as an older person who spent some of my life in the south I know babe is completely unacceptable in the work place!
Can you talk with your coworker privately and tell her it bothers you to be called the same name that a lover would call you?
Only a problem if she only does it to you. It’s a nicety, suck it up.
Could this coworker just not care to learn your name ?
You could always give it right back to her. The stranger the better. Borrow from other languages if need be. If she comes up and says " Do have the Widgeteen file, babe?" say "Just a minute, Punkinhead, let me find it."
She can't remember people's names. 99% chance.
Ew, yuck. Sounds like someone deserves a taste of their own medicine. "Yes, dollface." "No, babycakes."
If there's any push back, ask what pet names they use for male coworkers. Promise you there aren't any
I was in a retail store recently and the sales person called me “ my friend “ in every single sentence. She did the same with 3 more customers. I thought it was funny at first, but it got old really fast. I don’t think she could stop herself. I wouldn’t go to HR about it. You could have a quiet word with her, or just ignore it. She probably can’t stop herself either.
That's her way to not have to remember anybodys name. They probably have a big turn over in workers. So why remember some quitters name. Which of the 3 do you prefer
That is her polite way of saying I don't give a fuck what your name is. Giving off main character vibes with this being a talking point.
There are some people who are simply in the habit of calling people this. It could be to try and create a closer interaction, it could be because she has trouble remembering people's names. I prefer to call people friend, because I am terrible at names.
It doesn't have to be an issue, I'd just quietly take them aside and ask if you can be referred to as something less intimate. You could even offer another alternative, like neighbour or friend like I do. You can bring up that it makes you uncomfortable outright, but that can sometimes get people defensive. Or antagonistic.
Relax. Some people like to use terms of affection. If it seems to be acceptable in the group, let it slide
Correct her. I have insisted on being called my gull name. The sooner the better.
“ Did you forget my name again? I’m Chris”
“ I’m not your honey. please call me by my name”
Come on, man. You're in your 30s. Just ask her to use your name. You want to get HR involved or something?
You should just simply tell her that you don’t really like it and ask her to stop.
I’m one of those people too. Everyone is babe, honey, sweetheart, whatever. I can usually tell (I think) if someone doesn’t like it and I will stop. But a time or two there has been someone who I didn’t see any “I dont like this” cues from, they asked me to not refer to them like that, and so I don’t.
“Hey gal I work with! I know that you call everyone pet names and it isn’t just me, but I don’t really like it very much. Could you please just refer to me by my name? I would appreciate that.”
Just respond with “bless your heart”.
Next time she does it, kindly and gently say, "Would you mind just calling me Bob? I would much prefer that."
If she asks why or says anything else, just stick to a simple script.
"Yeah, call me weird or whatever, but pet names just don't make me feel comfortable."
"I really just prefer my name."
Rinse repeat. No drama. U got this!