Not exactly. Everybody has a type: a set of basic characteristics that just appeal on sight. Mine happens to include shorter-than average women with dark hair and darker skin than my own paleness.

So statistically, an Asian woman is a bit more likely to push my buttons, but not because of where their ancestors lived.

Is this new since the marriage? I'd find it seriously disturbing if my wife's opinions or actions changed significantly as soon as we got married--it would feel like a bait-and-switch. Even if I liked the change, I'd have to wonder what else she hadn't been honest about before the wedding--or after.

6 months isn't long; you need to start discussing these things ASAP and push on why the change.

Not a wife, sorry about that. But my wife was depressed off and on for maybe half our marriage. And I’ve had two episodes myself.

As the spouse of someone depressed, while loving them you need to recognize your limits and set yourself some boundaries. You can NOT fix them. You can support them while they try to recover, just like you would if they had a tumor, but you’re not a surgeon. Make sure to keep taking good care of yourself, eating right, exercising, socializing etc. because it’s very easy to make your life all about their condition and that will wear you out and then you can’t even support them.

From the inside, the way I recognize my own depression is when I really can’t imagine ever feeling better or enjoying anything ever again. When he seems not to be trying, that’s probably why. When my wife was depressed occasionally I had to practically force her (nag and urge, to a degree I wasn’t really comfortable with) to get out of bed and go do things I know she would enjoy but she couldn’t imagine enjoying. Not often, but sometimes. Halfway through the activity she’d perk up and be glad we were there. When I’m down my wife doesn’t really do that, she just makes remakrks about me being a couch potato. But one of our sons (26) is near enough and he does push me to get out from time to time, and I recognize what he’s doing and if I cooperate I actually do feel better for a day or so.

I‘m hoping the therapist only brought up possible separation to make you realize you don’t want that; otherwise it might be time to find someone else to work with. FWIW when my wife was really down I got dramatically more good from seeing a different therapist than my wife did than from attending her sessions. Because I wasn’t getting ANY emotional support from the person I most needed it from; she just didn’t have any to give at that time.

Pretty often. Especially if you lower the bar on "wealthy" to "very comfortable", like maybe incomes over $200k US 2024. Maybe 30% of the men I've known at that level were with a attractive, 10-ish-year younger second wife.

It only really seemed weird and non-funtional if there was a very large age difference, or she was barely legal. Like maybe he was 1.5 times as old, or older.

Sounds like an emotionally abusive situation. She's rapidly teaching your kids to disrespect and, eventually, abuse you too.

See a lawyer. Figure out how to exit with minimal damage to your kids and yourself.

Execute that plan.

Best advice I’ve seen here is therapy. Clearly you are uncomfortable communicating when you’re feeling hurt and one of the main things a counselor can do is establish a controlled environment where you can say things like this. The most critical issue I see in your words is that communication breakdown, because it will prevent you two ever having a healthy relationship.

If that’s even possible. IMO it’s a mistake to set a counseling goal like “fix the marriage”. Instead make the goal something like establishing clear mutual understanding; maybe fix the relationship and then see if it’s a marriage. Go into counseling with the goal of communicating clearly, in both directions, so that whether you stay together or split up, you both understand each other well enough to feel satisfied about the decision.

The side closest to the door.

This sounds to me a lot more like FWB than married. There are benefits, right? otherwise it‘s not even that, just friends.

First thing you two need to do is think about and then explain to one another what you thing marriage is. If you can’t get at least 2/3 agreement in that then you’re not married, paperwork or not.

I do know older couples who are married but living apart. It seems to be pure inertia, not love,

I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that, though it might not be the most common opinion. I might not have spent enough time in therapy to explain it...but I'll try.

I am quite often "very serious". Deeply analytical, fact-driven, always looking for the other part of the story, somewhat cynical--okay A LOT cynical. That's been fantastic for the career and gotten me a lot of nice things, provided my family with a nice life.

But what I've always struggled with is this thing called "fun". And to me, sex should be playtime, fun, unstructured, somewhat unplanned, a little surprising. There should be giggling. I want to be silly. Not dumb, not unreliable, just not "on a mission". I've spent most of my life "on a mission" from the time about 9th grade when I set some very challenging school and career goals (which I met BTW).

I've been aware since I was a teen the images everywhere telling me "this is sexy" didn't really do that much for me. I like female bodies and their particularly female parts at least as much as any man. But the women I was told were "sexy" felt fake...made up...planned and posed...fashioned up...in short it felt like a LOT of work. Even if it was just the woman working to look "good", the way I'm wired if somebody is working hard I feel like I should be too. If they're working hard to please me, even more so. Not fun. I guess this is kinda like how a lot of guys say they like the "no makeup" look, when what they really mean is they don't want to notice the makeup.

To me, cute is someone who is themselves, is interesting, perhaps a little quirky which makes them more interesting, more able to surprise me without (appearing to) work at it. I feel like I could relax and enjoy time with them.

This is really hard to explain and I think I'm hashing it up.

A lot of comments refer to you dating. I’m not disagreeing with any of those but there’s more to think about.

Make sure he has multiple examples of good men in his life. You don’t have to be involved with them, in fact there should be some who are just friends, acquaintances, partners of your friends etc. Because he’s going to have a lot of non-romantic relationships and needs to see how good men do that.

Be careful of toxic femininity. It’s a real thing, but it’s largely accepted in society so he’s going to encounter it a lot. Don’t slip into it and don’t allow those close to you to do it unchecked. Flag any statement like “men are” “boys always” for evaluation—it’s not all bad, but enough of it is and without a good father right there he might not have enough counterbalance to separate what he needs to know about men from what some women say about them that’s not fair.

IMO cute & adorable IS sexy. And as a man I feel less creepy referring to a woman as cute rather than sexy. Cute can be a puppy or kitten after all.

So far as what you enjoy, so long as no damage is done and both people enjoy it, go for it! If you’re not having fun, you’re doing it wrong.

Budget. Discipline (to stay on the budget). Pay yourself first.

Lot of people miss that last one and it was the absolute best advice I ever got so I repeat it often: when you get paid, ALWAYS (automatic transfer if you can) put XX% of your pay into a separate, long-term account. Do not touch that money. It’s the FIRST item in your budget, not the last—the last items are luxuries, the rewards for being disciplined with the rest of the budget. This is why I was able to provide for a family and retire at 60.

XX can be small at first, even 2%. But the goal is to get to about 15% by middle age. You get there by putting half (ish) of every raise in there. If there’s a 401(k) at work max out AT LEAST any contribution that gets a match from the company— that’s free money! Go Roth.

After that, build savings at first. Minimum of one month‘s net pay, goal of three months. That‘s the emergency fund, not future car money. Once you get a month’s income saved, you can start investing some of each “pay yourself” increment. Start a Roth independent of any employer; I recommend index funds; stay away from individual stocks etc. That’s a game for professionals who are usually playing with someone else’s money. For every person who made a million on a hot tip there’s dozens who silently lost it all to some slick marketing by billionaires who wanted to dump a losing stock. For mid-term goals like a house in 5-10 years, do a non-IRA index fund: they go up and down but over several years they always beat the crap out of a savings account or CD. Find a financial advisor who emphasizes “wealth building” and is willing to work with those just starting out—some only want big accounts because those pay better but this is a long game and pays a lot later. Work with someone who thinks long term.

Oh, almost forgot. The only loan you should ever take out is a home first mortgage. And that only if the interest rate is lower than the long term average on your investments. Which for my index funds has been 7.2%.

DO NOT allow yourself to define your own happiness as making someone else happy. No matter how much you like her smile and laugh, if you always have to make it happen, it’ll eventually suck the life out of you.

Bacardi Black, neat.

I married her.

No, he’s been gone 17 years.

No.

We don’t go in for most of the “Hallmark Holidays”.

Well then,

Happy Fathers Day!

from another forgotten father.

It’s just another Sunday in my house. I’d have forgotten about it except my MIL send a text.

Yup, I abandoned that one too once I realized the mods were mind melding with r/askWomen.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

We have a winner!

Who cares if it was really an accident or not. Better for you to be clear of an abuser. Block her on every platform where that's an option. Say nothing, hear nothing, just find someone worth your time and thoughts. Until you do, work on yourself.

Across. She has beautiful eyes and I want to look into them without twisting both our necks.

You said date night; if instead we're just consuming food, wherever, doesn't matter.

Details are different, but the overview is pretty similar to my marriage 15-20 years ago, and she was the religious one. She was always more religious, but for most of my life I felt there was some sort of higher power, I never found a church that didn’t offend my logical and scientific nature with twisted doctrinal ”reasoning”.

In my observations, many religions (Judeo-Christian at least) have more- or less-obvious pressure against “mixed marriage”, some to the point of “convert or divorce” the non-member. Most won’t actually say those words but the hints and pressures are usually there. That’s part of the “love” that sours me on them all.

Now, my marriage already had problems, so I’m not blaming her church. She even insists her religion is why she didn’t want to split up back then. I’ve since learned her church friends were convinced I would eventually join them, or they’d have given different advice. In full hindsight, we should have divorced at that time. Or never married in the first place.

Im kinda at the end of my road now, so I don’t see anyth8ng to be gained in a divorce. So my advice is keep up the counseling a little longer, with the intent that you make yourself sure of what you want even if that’s divorce.

You are absolutely justified in being upset. Now, I actually know nothing about your condition so I have to ask: how dependent is your well-being on having her around? Aside from not working, are you routinely functional so you could live alone and take care of yourself, drive etc.? Because the red flags are waving and they’re spelling out “she’s cheating, or planning to”.

Although I gotta say there’s at least a small chance she finds supporting you a major burden and is just looking for a break. Still, she’s totally hijacked your plan for a break of your own, then disinvited you. Rude and selfish AT BEST. If she needs an innocent break she should schedule that some other weekend and be upfront about it.

Do you have any of your own friends you can invite? Because I expect you’ll be sidelined while she has a good time nearby.