Dad, will you still be alive when I'm a grown up?

The first time I really recall thinking about death was when I was about 8 or so.

I had found a letter from my grandfather in my dad's desk.

The letter was written to my dad while Grandpa was in the hospital dying from lung failure. I didn't understand it right away until my dad read the letter and started crying.

Anyways, my boy and I were watching Lego Batman and he just sprung the question on me. Never really thought about how to handle it.

Like all big life talks, it's not a one-and-done conversation. Our understanding of death changes as we learn and mature. So will our questions. It's important to be honest and available while knowing healthy limits. And it's ok to say you dont know something. Be prepared for random follow-up questions at some random time in the future.

Oh God. My 4 year old has been telling EVERYONE that when I die he wants to die too because he will miss me too much. Other family members have said "But that means you won't see X, Y, Z anymore." 

My dude straight up replies "That's okay. I'll have my Daddy and X, Y, Z can have everyone else." 

Problem is that I'm almost 40. Like bro, I hope I'm still kicking when you are 30 but can we level with each other for a bit?

This has been on my 6 year old's mind lately these days.

Ever since that gut-wrenching scene at the end of Encanto when Abuela revisits the trauma of her husband dying, he'll occasionally grab my hand, look at me with doe eyes and say, "I won't let you go, papa." in a sweet, playful way that's also emotionally charged.

But this also became more apparent for all my kids when my own mom died little over a year ago. They saw me cry, and it led to some fascinating conversations around what death is. It was insightful to see the experience of death through their eyes (the littles ones are 8, 6, and 5), and the sharing it led to. My wife and I have raised our kids in our spiritual tradition that sees death as a transition when someone leaves their body and the soul continues onwards. And that the feelings that come to us as a result of someone we're close to leaving their body are real - the sadness or anger or whatever that comes is part of the experience of being human. And it's totally fine.

Now my 6 year old will occasionally ask when I'm going to die, if I'll be there when he has his own kids. He'll ask this in the most random of situations, kind of like an existential check-in. Usually, I'll hold him tight and tell him am working hard on sticking around as long as I healthily can. Occasionally, I'll tie this in to the importance of eating vegetables.

Yeah, I know - not so pedagogical.

My 6yo daughter seems to have a very casual relationship with the reality of death.

We made a deal that whoever dies first will haunt the other as a ghost until we meet on the other side.

I also made it pretty clear that there may not be an “other side” and she was surprisingly okay with that.

It is said that before entering the sea a river trembles with fear. She looks back at the path she has traveled, from the peaks of the mountains, the long winding road crossing forests and villages. And in front of her, she sees an ocean so vast, that to enter there seems nothing more than to disappear forever. But there is no other way. The river can not go back. Nobody can go back. To go back is impossible in existence. The river needs to take the risk of entering the ocean because only then will fear disappear, because that’s where the river will know it’s not about disappearing into the ocean, but of becoming the ocean.

By Kahlil Gibran.

I love this Maurice Sendak quote:

"I don't believe that there's a demarcation. 'Oh, you mustn't tell them that. You mustn't tell them that.' You tell them anything you want. Just tell them if it's true. If it's true, you tell them."

-From the documentary "Tell Them Anything You Want: A Portrait of Maurice Sendak"

I also find video's like u/ttt_l's https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rn9dkV4sVYQ to be helpful in giving context to this apparent existence, which will apparently end someday.

We sang a little song about goodbyes and how they will hurt because of how much we love each other and that in all their favorite things is where they can find them again

I was once talking to my son on how since we’re not that far apart in age, well he old men together.

He pointed out that I look used up.

My daughter (figuratively) kills me with it.

She goes up to me and says "when you die I'm going to have a big party!"

Thanks kid. Love you too. On further questioning, she clarifies that the party is "to celebrate you".

Our oldest experienced death with a relative pretty young so she's always had a ton of questions.

I keep it straight forward, to the point, avoid anything hand wavy (heaven), and stick out the facts: People get old, their bodies stop working as well, etc.

Then I have to deal with "well when are you going to die?"

Like, kiddo, are you trying to plan my death and funeral here?

My son told my wife that if she dies it's ok. She will bury her bones and he will collect flesh and make her whole again.

When she is whole again she will be smaller and he will now take care of her.

Morbidly sweet.

My kid started talking about death right before he was gonna turn 4. He asked what happens when we die and we told him that nobody knows (we later realized that "not knowing" is the worst possible approach as that creates uncertainty) and that there was different theories about what happens that all range from being reincarnated to going to a place with your loved ones to basically nothing. We asked him about what he thought happens and he explained that "when we die we go to the moon, and then come back as a baby". He's seen that I've been sad about my grandfathers death so when he talks about death it's generally with "I miss my grandgrandfather" even though he met him once when he was 3 months old.

We've also talked about how it's generally speaking mostly old people who die and he then decided that my grandgrandma would be next to die because she's old (he even told me straight up that she will die in a year). Then he turned 4 and I asked him "How does it feel to be 4 years old, buddy?" and he started out into the void and asked "Am I old?" so I had to reassure him that no, you're not old, it's just a saying...

He's also had some uncertainty in that if he dies and comes back a baby, how will he find us? So we have decided to meet on a flower field of his choosing.

I dealt with this totally the wrong way with my daughter when she was 12. So don’t do this . . .

My answer (without thinking about what she was thinking) was:

If you’re lucky, . . . The very best thing you can hope for . . . Is for everybody else to die before you.

A few years back, my wife lost her grandfather after a long period of being on death watch. I think it made my son, then 3yo, aware that other people had grandparents. One day, when Mum was at work, he asked me why he had never met my granddad. I'd known this was coming one day, so I was prepared with the line. "He died when I was 18, many years ago." My son responded that he was sure granddad missed me.

Honestly, I sometimes hear my granddads echo in my son. Flat broke me hearing that from him.

It's a tough conversation. My son asked me this in the car. And I tried explaining I'd just be gone when I die. He replied "but that's ok daddy because I'll love you forever." I straight up cried while driving.

I vividly remember having a death talk with my mum , I asked her if people ever die on there birthday obviously she said yes. Years later in 2010 on her 57th birthday she died but I still remember her explaining death

I remember when our son learned about graves. Son after that, he said "mum, can I be put in the same die-hole as you?"

Not a dad, but a son (long ways from being a dad tbh).

I have to say, the first time I asked my father I was nervous, because, throughout all my life I haven't been able to grasp entirely concepts that are alien to me. Instead, I try to understand the consecuences. And eleven-year-old me didn't entirely understand death, but understood perfectly fine that the result of it was that you wouldn't be able to see that loved one again nor enjoy or see whatever things they enjoyed or did. Ever.

The first time I thought that, I asked my father, and he, being a deeply spiritual man (I'm not, but I do admire that from him) told me that the day he died, he would just fall asleep phisically, but his soul would be still around me, or somewhere out there, doing whatever we do after we die.

Now, ten years later, my father is sixty-five-ish, and I find myself facing those thoughts more and more.

My solution, as a son, is to make as many memories as possible with him and my sisters as humanly possible.

So, quick note from a fellow son: make memories with your kids. Phisical objects and gifts will become mementos over time, and are even greater if they're something you both made, but memories are one of the best things out there. Talk with them about your past. I love to hear abour my father's stories from when he was in the military. Stuff like that.

Again, sorry for not being a dad (as I said, long was from it as of now, but who knows. I lurk around here to prepare a bit mentally just in case for the future), but I thought that maybe the POV change in this subject would be useful.

The great Indian Sage Ramana Maharshi was dying, and a disciple asked "Where are you going? Why are you leaving us?" And he opened his eyes, and he laughed and said,"Where can I go? There is nowhere to go. I will always be here."

I will teach my children that no matter what happens I will always be with them and they will be with me.

I’ve not had to have that talk yet, but I do dread the day. But I grew up in a religious household and still believe the same way after falling away and coming back to it. So I believe in heaven. I intend to tell my son the same way I was told and that’s pretty much “well, we all have to go on someday or there wouldn’t be enough room for everyone else. But I believe there is a place for everyone that’s a good place and we go there when we die. It’s where my grandparents are and where my parents will be and I’ll get to see them again when I get there. And then, one day, you’ll come and see me and we will never be apart again.”

Even then, while being comforted that if/when it happened and I lost my parents I’d see them again, I used to pray soo hard that we’d all die at the same time because I didn’t want to be left alone here. So, you can do your best and really can comfort your kid about it however you see fit, but we all still have probably had those existential moments of fear about it as we aged. And they will too. The important thing is you keep it simple and honest and be there for them when they worry about it in the future.

“You’ll learn by the time you get old”

I remember telling my mum I wished I died before her so I wouldn’t have to be alone lol. All kids say shit like this sooner or later

It’s a tough talk, but fortunately Lion King has a nice scene that has us covered.

I have untreatable epilepsy, so while chances are lower every day with the new technology coming out, they've grown up knowing I might suddenly die at any moment. My 14 year old went through extensive therapy for ptsd, but my 10 year old handles it better.

I tell them that all people live on in the memories of the other people whose lives they have affected. That's what heaven really is. You have to make a ceremony out of times you dedicate to remember someone who died. Or a cat. For us, it's just a candle that we let burn down as we share memories.

Second, I tell them that I won't die. Instead, I plan on living on by replicating myself in digital form.

I had a similar conversation with my daughter. She said she wanted to die at the same time as me so we could always be together. It hurt, a lot.

My daughter always contemplates life and death waaaay after bedtime.
"When I'll be a mother and I have a daughter then what will you be?"
"I'm going to be a grandfather but I'll be still your father."
"And what will happen when you die and I'll be alone with my daughter?"

*silent panic in darkness*

"But I won't know how to be old without you"

Just say: Here's the trick. You don't be old.

Yeah. My daugther asked me when she was about five. I explained that every body dies.

She was upset and said she did not want to grow up because then I would be dead.

But over the yeast she got used to the idea. Death is part of life, pretending it is not is not helpful.

Now at almost 18 she knows people die but it doesn't seem to bother her.

My 6yo son brought this topic up recently and out of the blue. He asked me when do we "respawn". At first, I thought he was talking about a game we were playing on the switch but turns out after some questioning he meant us in real life. Death wasn't the issue, he just wanted to be sure we respawned together.

It was an interesting conversation that I am sure will repeat. They know how to throw curve balls of emotion for sure.

I’m 44 and have suffered with major depression for most of my life (including suicidal ideation). I know I won’t be there for most of their lives. They’re only 6, 4 and 1 - it’s gonna be tough to explain

So my son and wifey bought me a PS5 for my B-Day for anticipation of the new college football game coming out. So we uped our sons allowance so he can save money to get his own (more chores, more responsibility). But he keeps spending his new found money on his games or nerf guns. So I ask him why is he spending all his money when he is supposed to be saving for a PS5. He says the well when you die what am I going to do with 2 PS5s. My heart sank! I have diabetes and I guess his friends got it in his head that that kills people so he thinks I'm about to die any day. I assured him I will be around for along time and doesn't need to worry about that.

This is something I worry about. I was thrust into understanding death, losing our mom when I was 4. My dad did his best to explain that she felt better (lymphoma) but she wouldn’t be coming home physically. He mentioned we could always talk to her could always tell her good night and we love her. We might not hear her say it back but she was listening and always kept an eye on us.

It’s gonna be hard for us here. My dad died when I was 13, my wife’s dad died when she was 9. Our death talk is gonna be pretty real.

My 4 y/o understands death so much more than I mean 4 year old should his grandfather died suddenly age 49 on his third birthday not long after that our cat died and then our dog died and then three of his pet mice it just it's the poor guy.

When my great grandmother died in 2012 my eldest kids was 6 and 3 and they adored their great great grandmother. It was the first time I had to personally deal with someone’s death and I just gave my answers as honestly as I could on their level.

My four year old randomly asks me when we're eating popsicles "will I die?"

I said yes, he will. He thought. Then he said "I don't want to die."

..... yeah, i know. I don't want that either, little guy.

“Dad, when you’re old, you’ll die?” “It’s likely, yes” “Will you die before I do?” “I certainly hope so” “Why?” “Because if you died before I do, I would be very sad, wouldn’t I?”

I don't even know how I feel about death still and I'm 35. As another comment stated, your understanding of death does change over time as you get older. Or maybe less yoir understanding and more your feelings about it. I remember knowing and understanding death very young. Can't say how young for sure, but at least as far back as I can remember. But understanding it is one thing. Being at peace with it, and learning to accept it is another. I'm past the understanding, but the accepting is an ongoing thing. Some days I feel ok about it and other days it terrifies the shit out of me. And now that I have a family it terrifies me far more than it ever did when I was single and had nobody to be responsible for.

My daughter won't even be born for another few weeks, and I have no idea how I'm gonna climb some of these mountains with my daughter. But I know when the time comes I'll do my best and hope she understands and takes advice. Best of luck to all of this in the times we live in. Doesn't seem to be getting any easier

My daughter is 5 and my brother-in-law died from cancer in October. We also have a friend of ours (our daughters loooove playing together) whose wife passed away about the time our daughter was born. So, we talk to her about how sad people can be when they lose someone. Unfortunately, we have not lacked teaching opportunities.

Thanks for making me cry.

My son had a grandmother and then a great-grandmother pass away by the time he turned 4, so he had an understanding in his own way about death.

His greatest fear when he was 5 or so was that in 5 billion years, our Sun will fuse its way into a Red Giant and would ultimately consume all of the inner planets in our solar system wiping us all out.

He was inconsolable about this a few times.  Kids are as odd as they are resilient.

my 3 year old told me HE doesn't want to die and was starting to get upset while saying it.

I told him he's not going to but why my 3 year old is already having an existential crisis is a question I'll never know the answer to.

This was a few months ago and he has never brought it up since but I can only assume the questions will get deeper!

I take the Archer approach. I'm not even sure I can die.

9

I get it a lot, especially since my wife died two years ago.

Our seven year old in particular asks me lots of questions, and says she doesn't want to live without me when I die. It's heartbreaking.