My spouse and I are divorcing but having to cohabitate currently. We made a rule that NEITHER one of us would have dates over at the house, but he has his new partner over regularly. He’s told me he doesn’t care about the rule we agreed upon. What are LEGAL but very annoying and intolerable things I can do while his partner is over to disturb their peace and get him to leave ?
Walk around naked when partner is over. It’s your house!
Assert dominance. Then while holding eye contact offer to make her breakfast, but do in such a way that she's really unclear on whether there is some hidden message.
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15d
"I prefer... over easy."
how you like your eggs? fried or fertilized?
“Howabout some breakfast? Over easy on your waffle? <wink>”
Wear an apron and then make sure to show off your ass while singing and whistling.
Say a lot of things that Dracula Flow would "This shit ain't nothing to me. Call my dick percocet the way I put that ass to sleep!"
"... Got me moving like an invasive species."
Maintain eye contact then hands free, get hard, then soft, then hard again and then tell them to get out
This would be especially impressive considering OP is a woman.
It is what separates the men from the.....sorry, I'll see myself out
The dark side of ULPT provides powers that some consider to be… unnatural.
Join your local nudist group and invite all your new friends over on the regular. Especially the saggy 60-70 year old perverts. All of them.
Naked, except for a giant strap on.
Add a condom to the strap on to be really extra.
Take a notch further and point to the new girl while naked. “Is she joining us tonight?”
A lot of people are into this. Could completely backfire on OP.
Or it's a win either way.
Yeah because women want to walk around naked in front of their ex and their new gf 🙄
You only have to do it once or twice to make it stick.
It's about sending a message.
This was my literal first thought
Cast iron skillet, very hot then turn off the heat, dump a cup of cayenne on the pan. Leave.
Comeback to an empty house.
I did this on accident once lol homemade pepper spray
When I worked at a grocery store someone dropped one of the large bottles of Franks Red Hot sauce which shattered spraying all over the place. Luckily it wasn't me that had to clean it up but my god for several hours it seemed that whole aisle was like walking through a cloud of pepper spray vapor making your nose sting and eyes water. I've never seen anything like it before or since.
My mom’s ex did too, when he tried to pan grill habaneros for a salsa. We had to sit outside while the place aired out
I did this once accidentally cooking with my in-laws. I mean it wasn’t intentional in that I have been cooking with chile since I could walk and was totally used to it, but they were whiter than wonder bread and NOT used to anything resembling heat in the cuisine (barring some bottled condiments like Tabasco).
Entertaining, AND effective.
Easy there Satan.
You can get very high purity capsaicin online, i would imagine that would make for some hilinx.
I used Dave's insanity hot sauce to marinate, then blacken a steak.
This was the genesis of my suggestion.
Bring some hunky beefcake in and have sex with him loudly.
Yeah and do it in the living room.
Dont do this. Be classy and do it on every kitchen surface.
I dunno, biohazards can probably be a legal case if she then cooks food he eats.
Worried about a nut allergy ?
Too much protein in her eggs
Compliment the hunk on his phallic endowment in the loudest way possible.
Better than HIS!!!
While loudly orgasming, exclaim loudly " OMG! This is what I been missing the past ___ years!!!!"
Should bring them in to seduce his girl
Why not both?
First have sex everywhere and compliment on endowment, then get them to seduce the girl.
Remember that threesome that ex-hubby always wanted? Well OP suddenly decided she’s down… as long as it’s with new hunk and ex-hubby’s girlfriend.
If no hunk is present, just put on some soundtrack of men moaning loudly. Especially when his friends are over.
Or multiple.
Bring another woman in and ask his new fling if she'd like to join in and actually orgasm this time.
Hey it's me, a hunky beefcake...
Only joking, there's no hunky beefcakes on reddit.
Take a dump with the door open every time she comes over.
Start eating durian.
Boil some cabbage with the lid off.
Microwave some fish.
I remember a story about someone that lost the house to ex (I think). They left fish pieces inside the curtain rods. They had people clean house and couldn’t get rid of smell. They tried to sell the house and couldn’t because of smell. Something like that.
Yeah so they eventually sold it back to the ex for a deal and then the ex just threw out the curtain rods they tampered with
The one I heard the ex took the curtains ( and curtain rods ) with them as a “fuck you”. And then couldn’t work out how the smell followed them !
wouldnt work if the ex has a dog
Shrimp > fish in this case
We had a corporate trainer at work who, if he didn’t like your work group, would eat cabbage, hard boiled eggs, and drink milk (he was lactose intolerant) the night before your class. He’d then proceed to drop ass the whole day for your course. I was glad he lived our work group. Only bit me in the ass once when he asked me to help him with a course for upper management… but honestly it was worth it.
I got audited by the IRS once. I quaffed two heaping tablespoons of garlic powder right before I left for the audit, sitting across from some fat bureaucrat. The audit was over within an hour....llol
Biowarfare against the State!
Just shit on the floor while making eye contact anywhere.
Don't forget to maintain eye contact when they pass by the open door to establish dominance.
I like this way
Lol want the best answer?
Befriend her.
No seriously, it will make him absolutely bonkers. Be super nice to her, talk to her about her interests, be very friendly and make her be nice to you and it'll make him fucking crazy
Perfect… GF will learn that the “ex” isn’t a crazy biotch and start to realize her BF is a complete asshole.
Yessss
befriending her just to get back at the ex is crazy manipulative bitch behavior though.
She's here asking for unethical tips though... So seems like a very real chance she is the crazy one.
and most relationships don't last. So once they most likely break up now OP can keep inviting her over.
Some 4d Chess right there
Yesss I was looking for this comment! So simple but SO effective, and then you can’t even be accused of doing anything, you’re just being nice to the guest in the house!
Yup! This one right here 😂
thats the best way
I did this to an ex's friends and it drove him so nuts he cut town in the middle of the night like a horse thief
All jokes aside, this is the best answer
This should be top comment
Start coughing a lot and walking around the house. Leave crumpled up tissues all over. Linger in common spaces, cough or sniffle for good measure.
And/Or leave your stuff all over the place. Every where they go, they see traces of you. Walk loudly, use the kitchen rigorously. Use the bathroom for extended periods of time. Jut take up as much space as possible. I think a not insignificant percentage of people would feel uncomfortable and want to leave.
This is very clever. Positive covid tests could help decorate the bathroom.
No need to actually get covid.
I randomly stumbled upon another post - probably same sub - that said there are ways to trick a covid to test. Lemon juice was one. Google the rest.
coca cola works too! as you said, google, i just know this one off hand
Start hosting events at your place. Karaoke nights, Bible studies, seances, fight clubs, AA/NA meetings, or any combination thereof.
Or start a cult. Just get some friends to come over and hang out and talk about your new giraffe messiah or whatever. Go hard on weird.
Her name is Stephanie and she is the way the truth and the light.
Does Stephanie know the Flying Spaghetti Monster or the invisible pink unicorn, hallowed be her mane?
"Oh honey, you brought your girlfriend to our sacrificial ritual night! Lucky for us, we had forgotten to get the sacrifice!"
"Wait, are you the same girl from earlier today?"
buy a new pair of underwear of a unique looking style that you don't wear (or borrow from a friend?) and the next time they are over, hand it to his new partner and say ''hey these must be yours'' turn around and walk away, putting on sunglasses as the explosion happens behind you.
Talk about you and your husband's herpes.
Paint one of your eyes like you have a black eye and walk out into the living room when she's there.
Flip the breaker to the AC unit or just crank up the heat.
Find an infographic of STD symptoms on the internet. Print it out, tape it up in the bathroom the gf uses. A copy in the medicine cabinet and on the back of the door, maybe leave a copy on a table or two in the kitchen, living room. And remove cleaning supplies and let that bathroom get really grubby.
"how to live with HIV" leaflets.
Just start hitting up his new flame. It will piss somebody off.
When they have their new partner over and you first see them say “oh you are having (their name here) over tonight I thought you were bringing home (some other name) shrug and say “oh well” walk away
"She's not as nice as this one. But I also haven't had this one in bed YET."
Since the rule of not having partners over was broken, you should invite his dad over and fuck his dad.
Take a picture of her every time she's in the house. If possible with him being affectionate... Holding hands, kissing, hugging, etc.
"Why are you taking pictures?" "Documentation for court."
If they have sex there, record the audio. Edit: to clarify, I'm not talking about sneaking up to the door. I mean if they're loud enough to hear through a wall.
Put up security cameras.
Not only will the constant surveillance be really awkward, but the more documentation you have for your lawyer,.the better.
That's pretty fucking weird.
If nothing else, keep records of each visit. Take this evidence to your divorce proceedings. I can't imagine the court is going to want to keep you in this situation.
Has it been decided who's keeping the house? If it's not you, I would GTFO of that situation ASAP.
The court is not going to be phased
fazed
Phaser'd
Tazed
Blazed
Appreciate that!
I don't think the court is keeping them in anything. It sounds like a couple agreeing to get divorced but still shares a home because of money.
When you know that they haven't seen each other in the last 24 hours, loudly declare "oh hell no! Not another threesome. I'm still worn out from last night" as soon as she comes through the door.
Get 5 guys and have an all night gangbang. The next day tell the partner it will happen every time he brings his partner over.
I thought you were talking about hamburgers.
OMG hilarious 😂😂😂😂
Then buy him the tshirt that says bukkake ruined my carpet
Walk around in a thin robe - it's summer and it's getting hot! Bend over unnecessarily to pick things up. Lean over both of them to reach for things. Turn up the sensuality of ordinary tasks by at least 10%, but in a way that is plausibly deniable as just normal behavior.
“it’s summer and it’s getting hot!” This whole comment has me laughing my ass off
Bring one of his friends home.
Also if you have a sex tape with him, keep it on loop in the living room every time she shows up. Actually now that I’m thinking about it, just start masterbating everywhere. “What I thought we weren’t hiding private uncomfortable things anymore?”
Tell her it makes you uncomfortable and you want her to leave. When she inevitably gets heated as a response, use that as ammo to file restraining order against her
I don’t think she even needs a restraining order. She lives there, new GF doesn’t. Call the police and have her removed.
Not how it works because she's the direct guest of a resident
Well then guess I bullshitted someone right out of my house.
Walk in on her in restroom, eat their food.
Eat their food in the restroom? You monster.
Its your house, poop with the door wide open, take every roll of toilet paper and hide it when you’re done, turn the water off to the toilet after every use, get shitty drunk at breakfast, watch tv at full volume while wearing noise cancelling headphones, microwave fish at night (not to eat, just microwave raw fish until its fully cooked bone dry and throw it away), make sure to brush and floss every night but spit the toothpaste all over everything in the bathroom and stick your floss to the wall, buy a bunch of condoms and hide them around the house after scooping a dollop of mayo into the tip (if one of his partners found that, and smelled it, they would run), turn the heat on full blast two hours before he gets up, wait until he’s asleep and trash the kitchen making an omelette (don’t clean up until you are ready to, they’re your dishes, never do the dishes, in fact start gluing the dishes together, start hiding random things around the house, leave dye in the wash machine so it dies the next load black (“oh, you didn’t do laundry did you? I was getting ready to die my socks!” You call from the other room when you hear it turn on), start making sauerkraut! You can fill a whole fridge up with jars of sauerkraut and leave room for nothing else!
I could go on, but i think you get the picture.
Turn off the hot water in the basement whenever you leave the house. Flip your circuit breakers when they’re over.
Bring out an array of vibrators and ask him which ones are his vs yours because you can't remember.
Host some type of activity like a book club, or something that' he'd show no interest in - bring over a bunch of people for a very platonic gathering that takes up space, but doesn't intrude.
Become a fan of the Dead Kennedys and play it loud
I'd advise listening Police truck on repeat.
C’mon, too drunk to fuck was right there
Paint on a black eye and just start talking to her. If she asks what happens act really scared and say you're just so clumsy. If she inquires more just blow her off and say you prefer not to talk about it. Get visibly scared whenever he walks in the room.
Just be gross. Fart a lot around them
Stop showering, stop flushing after taking a shit, dont clean ANYTHING…really stink that house up! Knock on his door EVERY time they have sex to Ask ”Do you know where X is?”, ”Did you remember to buy milk?”, ”oh, i just wanted To check if you where home yet!” Etc….
Be a MASSIVE pain in the ass!
Go out of your way to embarress him infront of his new partner…
Leave your underwear in his room so she finds them…
Tell his new partner that you RECENTLY got an STD and that ”she should probably get herself checked out!”
Etc…
Don't play games and don't break your own rules. Don't sink to their level
Go find some new dick and just get pounded in the next room. Make him listen to another man rock your world. Or even better if you're bisexual bring home a woman. And even better than that, have a threesome with two guys or a couple. If he's kinda racist fuck someone of a different race that him.
Would it work to just talk to his girlfriend directly? Explain the broken agreement and tell her it makes you feel really uncomfortable. She might be a less shit person than your ex and actually care.
This is… ethical.
Play baby shark through all of the speakers
Damn you! It's stuck in my head again now.
Liquid ass seems to be a reasonable solution
If they’re watching TV, go sit on the sofa and ask questions about whatever is on - go crazy. Ask about the background of every single person on TV, the plot, what has x been in, is that the person from (name random show).
Depending on the hour you could just crank up the music. Or something one of my dad's ex's did when he did that exact same thing. Crank the heater all the way up. They turn it off? Just crank it up again. Hard to beat the heat. At least with the music idea you could lock yourself in a room and they wouldn't have access to you
Find out who her ex-boyfriend is and invite him over when she is there.
Compare the date to a fictional, better looking person who was there the night before.
Buy some trashy lingerie and put it in his bedroom in a place a woman would know to look.
The morning after, you were great last night but could you look into the camera a bit more? The viewers love that.
Turn about is fair play... Lol Get some dude or women to come over and fornicate loudly in the living room... Preferably while screaming that it is the best that you ever had... I am sort of kidding based on your own emotions etc, but kind of not... If he cant respect you desiccate the earth under his feet....
Piss discs and liquid ass
Gee, I can't imagine why you left him. He sounds like such a catch. 🙄
Now would be a great time to start bringing your own dates over (and just so happen to only do it when she's over), or suddenly develop a keen interest in durian fruit.
Just start making up all kinds of weird shit that he likes to do and talk about it in front of her.
Has he asked you to peg him yet?
He likes to wear diapers and shit in them and have you change him. It really gets him off. Make sure you get it on right or it'll blow out through the sides.
Wait till he lets you know about Paul that he works with. He likes to give Paul bj's while you peg him.
You start making up stuff like this and bringing it up and i guarantee he won't want to bring anyone around while you're there
Take some of his underwear (preferably white), stain either side with a tea bag of matching colour, leave it under is pillow
I've had to do this before, and it can get a little unpleasant but I assure you it works. Only kicker is you probably don't want to go out in public whilst doing this, so book holiday from work and stock up on essentials, at least a few weeks worth.
So, the plan is pretty simple... don't wash. At all. Do not change your clothes, bed sheets, don't flush the toilet, don't do the dishes, literally become the smelliest unbearable human being in existence, to the point that the smell stays when you leave the room.
If your ex has ANY self preservation instinct, they will start trying to clean. That's when you double down. Pee in bottles, leave them for a week, then sloppily empty them into the kitchen sink, make sure you splash some on the floor and countertop.
The final trick is to act depressed, if your ex thinks you're doing it to be malicious, they might play chicken with you and you run the risk of them outlasting you. If they think you're in a depression spiral and there's no end in sight, they'll leave.
Ask her if he’d told her about the herpies yet. 😆
“I really like you! I’m glad he found someone who accepts his herpes. I just couldn’t deal with it after he cheated.”
Bring a more masculine man over and have him gorilla fuck you with the door open.
When he is not around put a hair tie around the stick shift of his car.
get fucked by someone else really loud while they’re over
I am glad you are divorcing this person.
“Hey, you know I got a divorce with him due to his cheating problem, right?”
Start conversing and being overly friendly with his dates. He'll stop quick.
Find 5 male friends and make them do Fake noises inside your room when he's here at any Time of the day
I'd walk round naked and use the bathroom with the door open.
Don't urge HIM to leave. Urge HER.
Find a way to annoy her. Badly.
Do a good enough job and she'll leave him, too.
I hope you like onions.
Because if you chop up a LOT of them (like 5-7kg) and caramelise them in batches it takes ages for the smell to dissipate.
There was a BORU where someone did it with like 15lb of onion or something and it was insane.
Also spray liquid arse in his bed.
Befriend his new partner. Offer her coffee, tea, etc. when she's over, ask her about her interests, and just be very friendly and kind to her. Share funny memes she might like, recommend books, etc.
Start having social gatherings at your home regularly. Hell, invite his new partner to have potluck with you and your friends.
Start reading m/m erotica novels and leave them around in common areas of the house where your ex likes to sit.
Walk around naked
So many possibilities here. Piss disk under the bedroom door in the middle of the night. Removing things and placing them elsewhere, then putting them back - gaslight them to hell. Liquid Ass where they're sleeping. Booby traps all over the place that look like plausible oversights. Horrid bathroom surprises. Recordings of the two of them having sex, played back at high volume while they're sleeping.
Watch porn at high volume
Bring in some dude and have him spooge all over the house. Like nut on the counter, your exs pillow. Then piss discs and liquid ass
Liquid Ass spray (though you’ll want to leave the house, too lol)
High traffic carpet cleaning enzyme. Its made to denature proteins. We are made of proteins. Just a little bit spray onto the carpet should make very irritating to be inside the room, house.
Band his brother on the living room couch
Lol just remove all the toilet paper from the house
Just a little spritz of Liquid Ass is all you need. You can get it on Amazon.
Follow her around the house like a puppy and sit uncomfortably close to her. At night if she’s in his bed slip in on the other side and cuddle her
Put shrimp in the curtain rods. It will stink really bad and they will both leave. Clean them out and air out the house and you'll have the house to yourself.
Just do it to the bedroom he uses
Get naked and hop into his bed while they’re sleeping
Idk what woman would be comfortable with that arrangement other than someone who has no problem stirring up some serious drama.
Your husband sounds like a real creep.
Stuff something like cheese underneath his mattress & it’ll smelly & he’ll seem unclean. Or something equally smelly
Set off the smoke alarms regularly?
Have Mormon or JW missionaries over and have Bible study in the common areas.
Go to a sporting goods store, go to the hunting section, and buy some fox urine (its used to cover human scent) them put a generous amount on a rag while she's there. Ain't nobody going to be around for a while.
Just buy a durian melon and cut it up. Everyone will leave- you get it at the Asian market. It tastes like a creamy banana if you can get past the smell to try it. It has the unique odor of feces and vomit. It is outlawed to be consumed in many businesses in several Asian countries due to the lingering smell.
Take a dump in the kitchen sink or a bucket in the living room
Walk around naked diddlin ya self
Have sex in the living room
Tell him to use more lube next time you guys do anal, ideally while taking a dump in a bucket in front of them.
Start smoking cigarettes on the house or just light one
Leave a steamy log on the floor.
Just shit on the floor
Microwave Surstromming on high for 15 minutes.
loud obnoxious music Salt in his bed Knock on door repeatedly when he has guests
Act like a child. They are pro at being annoying. Give wet willys, repeat EVERYTHING they say, lie on the floor and hold onto her ankle whenever she walks around, bounce on their bed, never flush or clean the toilet after you, Make spills on the floor and walk away. A whole box of cereal that kinda thing. Leave every door and drawer open of every room you leave leave your shoes coat and bag on the floor when you come in. all food/washing up over the kitchen and laundry on the bathroom floor Lie across the sofa and watch the TV/listen to music obnoxiously loud. Watch series with repetitive theme music. Scatter a large amount of things on the floors - lego, marbles, books, clothes
Play this every time partner is over! https://youtu.be/73DGJq6yiC4?feature=shared
Bring home a couple large good looking men make it a competition so see which one can steal his girl.
You got to play with her...NOW IT"S MY TURN! LET ME GET THE CUFF'S!! THIS WILL BE FUN!!
Bring your own friend over.
Take up the harmonica or melodica. Melodica will drive a stoic insane
Ask her for info on what y’all should name your divorce baby
Join an MLM and host events at home
Fish in microwave?
Try to hook up with the partner. Power move.
Wait until they are in mid-flow, ring/FaceTime his mum and walk in and tell him his mum wants a chat.
Pull out the fuses and take them with you whenever you leave the house. It’s not illegal, they are your fuses, but it will make it awkward for anyone left behind when you are out.
Ask the new girlfriend if she is on birth control because you saw him sticking pins in the condoms earlier.
Bonus point - stick pins in them yourself so when he claims you are just a crazy ex you can prove it.
Then, when she had gone, tell him that he will never know if the condom he uses in this house will be safe and does he really want to risk getting any new gf knocked up so soon after you split up?
Make anchovies on everything then leave them out and don't take out the trash
I won’t get into specifics, there are plenty here, but I can tell you that lots on things are legal in your own home that aren’t in public, hidden cameras, anywhere, for example.
Tell him if she stays past an hour you are not having sex with him tonight. Say it in front of her.