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1mo
Most want to keep their options open if the one they want to focus on doesn’t pan out. At least that’s the vibe I get even though I don’t agree with it.
Well little do they know, being honest will mostly likely help keep their options open. I mean if he came back to me and sorry it did not work out would you be open to trying this again….i would say yes.
Unfortunately, a lot of people are going to be like I DON'T WANT TO BE A SECOND CHOICE and never be open to giving it another chance, even though the reason they chose the other person first might be innocuous as they met that person a month earlier and have simply had the opportunity to get to know them much better.
That's only if we have already met. If I had already been on a date and I got this message before the next date, then absolutely, I'm no one's back up. But if that was before a first date, absolutely, I would still go on a date.
100% agree! I've been on 2 dates and THEN got the message similar to the OP. It's a different ballgame now. It just went from "respectful and honest" to plan B when they say "but let's stay friends." Nope. I wish you the best of luck though.
Well many times we are someone’s 30th choice. Think how many people we have dated before. BUT I do understand what you’re saying. And in that situation you propose, the. It just is not meant to be.
Haha, Very true!! My parents met at 38 and 40. They were definitely not the first person they'd dated or eventually married. But that doesn't always mean it's the end!
If it was like that wouldn't it be much more common for people to come back after ghosting?
You would think, at the same time, they might assume the other person has moved on because they didn’t keep trying to keep a dead convo going.
My opinion at least.
I think it’s pretty reasonable tho no? People ghost or fall off for any number of reasons, if you’re looking for something and constantly only getting 1-3 dates on average it makes sense to me to keep the options open. Now if this guy had been seeing said girl a lot I’d get it, but I think closing the door on someone just cause you have a slight chance w something else is a little rushed.
There’s no indication that he met someone and on the first date decided this. It’s just as likely he was dating different people and after a few dates decided that she was someone he felt potential with and wanted to concentrate on building that. Now all that being said, I knew on the first date with my GF that I wanted to put all my effort into the relationship, but I’ve never liked dating multiple people.
Ive never been like that myself tbh. Until I got in an open relationship that is atleast. For me its always been first person, first served. If I enjoy talking to them, ill dont even bother with other people until I see if the chemistry is there or not.
As for now, Im not saying im sleeping with just anyone, cause I dont.. Im very limited myself as I want genuine friends with or without benefits.. the benefits isnt giving me anything if its just casual as I kinda want someone to hang with, vibe with you know. But were all different, and luckily im not alone in being like this.
THIS!!!! I don’t think it’s that respectful. I feel he’s exactly leaving a window open if it doesn’t work out. Which I don’t find that great, tbh!
Ffs - what is he supposed to say?
He was supposed to curse her out on the date and fight her to the deaths to prove he is not interested and is strong. Not that anyone ever called him weak.
No doors or windows were left open.
If you have seen some of the responses women get from men after they politely reject them, you’d understand.
I personally didn’t want to believe it, so I literally made it a topic during the first date, “what’s the worse you have received when telling a guy you weren’t interested?”
My god the stories, the texts, the ridiculously vile things some guys say when their feelings are hurt… and plenty of them with receipts too.
I’m not saying this is only a guy thing, but I’ve politely rejected plenty of women and I’m usually just met with an equally polite response, or silence.
A lot of women I have talked to are just conditioned not to send these type of closure messages, especially because of the reactions/comments they have received in the past, honestly I don’t blame them.
Even though it's wrong.
I feel that men get hurt when they get rejected because they don't know what they have done wrong.
I have a lot of friends who are female and give them advice. I've seen what men respond, and it's weird that a lot of women just match because they look great in photos and tall, but they lack communication skills.
Like my communication skills via text, dates, and calls are like a pro compared to them.
I've been on dates where I know that I did nothing wrong.... but the women did not have that connection. Then a few months after.... they come back asking to try again.
Honest like this I agree with. And quite frankly I think this is a good excuse for any time you are cancelling a date with no intention to reschedule.
Honest when you don't want to go out with the person because you are much more enthusiastic about other options that have presented themselves is not something that people should do.
Because most people act in their best interest and will do what’s easier. Such as ghosting. Respect to this person for being honest.
Because they’re selfish and need to guarantee what’s most ideal for them before letting you go. Just went through this. Was dumped, gaslighted and cheated on for the “safer option”.
I do this. It’s honestly a nice feeling knowing you might have found someone.
I do this is he’s a decent guy and we’ve been on one date. Otherwise an unmatch is okay
This is soooo much better than ghosting. People seem to feel nervous to let someone down. But why be an arsehole and ghost them. You were initially interested in a relationship with them, so give them the courtesy of a message like above. Then maybe if above doesn’t work out, then the person you sent the polite message to would be understanding if you said “Hey, didn’t work out, hope you don’t mind me getting back in touch. But wanted to see how you are?”
God, it hurts so much being ghosted...
sometimes i genuinely forget to reply, dating apps suck because you’re getting all these new matches everyday and can’t keep up with replying. ghosting on a dating app isn’t always intentional, sometimes i’ll go through messages and realize i haven’t replied to someone in two weeks, and now it’s too late to causally reply so i just decide i can’t reply at all.
Let's be real, if you literally forget you were talking to someone, you were likely not that interested to begin with.
If you can't even keep track of who you're talking to, can you even put any effort in?
To be fair your comment is eye opening, as a man in a dating app you need to either have an outstanding/unforgettable profile or expect to carry a mostly one sided conversation. There is no space for a normal conversation in that dopamine overdose.
And to be clear, you are not to blame for it, just a sad numbers game really.
Honestly the only reason i’d ever forget about a conversation is when he’s an extremely dry texter. I’m creative with my messages and spending my time coming up with a good first message just for him to say something like “wsg” in response makes me immediately uninterested in the conversation. When he matches my energy, of course I want to continue the conversation and get to know him better. And you don’t need an outstanding profile to be appealing- just no photos of you with other women and no obvious red flags in your prompt answers (like mentioning how much you love boobs…🤦🏻♀️) It’s crazy how many guys have a profile that looks like they created it to test out if they can get right swipes with the most unappealing profile😂
You'd be surprised to know how few women actually text first even on bumble. I guess they just don't know how the app works because some men pay to text first??
From my experience, I think you are an expection, but appreciate your efforts, I'm sure they'll pay off some day.
I have to be honest with you, if she doesn’t text first she either realized something about your profile that she didn’t like that she didn’t see when she swiped right… or she swiped right by accident. The only time I haven’t messaged first is when I swiped right by accident. No need to lead someone on when I didn’t even mean to swipe right. Anyways, women know they need to text first so this is really the only explanation for why they wouldn’t.
I truly hope this is simply you overestimate people's understanding of dating apps in non-english sepaking/more conservative countries.
This week i got 4 matches, 3 of which just did not send any message, and this is indeed a pattern.
Nonetheless, if you're ok with it, I can send you my profile and you can tell me what is so off-putting about it lol
“Getting all these new matches everyday”. Gentlemen we’ve identified the female in the chat. Form an orderly queue and please do not harass the lady!!! 🤣
bruh what😭 who gives a fuck if i’m a woman lol am i not allowed to comment? I’m not saying I get like 20 matches a day lol i maybe get 2 on a good day😂
Apologies. I was being amusing. I was joking that women get waaaay more interaction than guys.
But yes of course you’re allowed to reply and it is positively encouraged.
Sorry my “funny” was missed.
It’s okay, I can absolutely agree with that. I also assumed that from your first comment that you were a man matching with women who would want a woman’s perspective on things so that’s also my bad for assuming that.
i’m just saying if you do get matches often it’s hard to keep up with old matches so yeah it’s easy to unintentionally ghost🙄
Idk i dont think its great to keep swiping while you have matches youre talking too. I stop swiping if im talking to like 3-5 people. This is kinda still on you
People can swipe right on you AFTER you swipe right on them… you know that, right? So I can swipe one day and get three matches, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get new matches the next day who swiped right on me that day. 🤷🏻♀️ I prefer less matches to talk to over more because it can get stressful to have to reply to multiple people, but I always randomly get matches who swiped right on me weeks after i swiped right on them.
Just feel like its on each individual person to be responsible on the apps 🤷🏻♂️ a ghost is a ghost
That said, it’s really only ghosting if you’ve made plans then stopped. And no, responding to someone 2 weeks later is not weird. Happens all the time
When I say ghosting I mean more like we said hey to each other and that’s it lol. If I have a good conversation with someone I always give my number or socials so we can keep talking.
Yeah but how do you let someone down when you HAVEN’T met someone else, you’re just not very attracted/enthused about THEM?
One time I swiped right on a guy because I liked what he wrote in his profile. We talked back and forth a bit, a good conversation. Then when he wanted to have a video call I realized, oh my gosh, I’m not attracted to this person at all. It’s like it became real, something flipped in me, I strongly wanted to back away. I told him I don’t really like talking on the phone, which is true. I thought it would be rude to share the real reason because I didn’t want to destroy his self-confidence for future people, who might find him attractive. And I knew he was a good person. But I was just sure I didn’t want a relationship with him at that point. And I didn’t want to say it was because he wasn’t attractive. Would it have been better to ghost, tell the real reason, or to lie and say I met someone on here & I’m going to focus on them?
Just tell the truth.
Agree with this. You could do it without being mean. Saying you don’t feel the dating vibe or spark is true and nicer than saying he’s not attractive
In my 72 years of life's experiences, I have come to the conclusion that honesty always works out best in any situation.
Now you don't have to be brutally honest by telling him you don't find him attractive.
That is more information than you need to provide.
Just say that it isn't working out for you, which is honest.
If he starts questioning for more information (which he probably will), just tell him that is personal, and you don't feel the need to tell him.
The fact that you don't find him attractive is personal to you, but in the major scope of things, there will be other people who will find him attractive.
I think ultimately it’s just best to give the person closure - we have to get used to being rejected sometimes, it’s just how the world works for most all of us.
Sorry sir/madam this is Bumble, we don't do healthy conversation here.
100% this is how it should be done.. but most people ghost or slow fade :/
Wow someone that actually found someone they like and focuses on them? 🥺 That's respect
I did this. That’s how I ended up with my partner.
And I agree. I wish everyone was intelligent enough to understand how important this is.
Out of curiosity… Is your partner the person who received the text from above? Or is your now partner the person who the text was about?😊
After our first date we knew, without having to discuss it, that we wouldn’t continue conversations with anyone else.
Yeah. It still hurts though =\
Not compared to showing up and being left alone for an hour
I'd prefer this than being led on. Yeah, it hurts.
Damn, he's so honest I'd give him a handy j as a parting gift 😂
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1mo
The hand job part? 😂
I mean, in the world of sexual acts it’s definitely the consolation prize. 🤷🏼♂️
Don’t ghost me… whatever reason you give for not wanting to go out will certainly be better than what my mind will come up with if you ghost me.
You assume they care what you think of them
I mean, it's basic decency. It takes a minute to send a text.
Nah, men can and have become aggressive and even violent when I reject them. My safety comes first
I mean of course. But this is assuming all of this is initial contact, as in they don't know your address, where you live etc.
Yeah, don’t need the emotional violence of a guy putting me down or threatening me for rejecting him. I’m good
That's fine of course. But you're presenting an extreme situation as an excuse for a simple one. Most situations of this happening are not because of what you are describing.
I do fully empathise though and am sorry for what you have been through.
The hive mind has begun.
If every interaction she’s had , ended up being negative in the sense guys were violent.
She’s the common denominator that needs to start choosing better and stop going for the usual suspects
It is sad tbh, but to each their own
Like I sympathise that all women are in a position where they have to consider their own safety, moreso than men anyway, when wanting to OLD. I know from talking to female friends and just existing in the real world that this is absolutely a legitimate concern.
I think the person I was replying to was thinking of these situations in the most extreme terms; as in someone has given them a red flag, cause for concern, and they ghost for their own safety (fair). But the scenario OP shared does not appear like that at all, and is a far more general scenario.
I get that this must be very difficult if you've had violence or toxic masculine behaviour towards you more than once, which is why I suggested they maybe take a break from it.
Like I think it's perfectly valid for men and women to be upset about ghosting, when there is no valid reason for it. Like I don't care if it happens anymore, but it does puzzle me when a conversation is seemingly going well for quite a while, then radio silence. Like obviously something has changed for them, which is fine, but it is okay to voice that.
Not extreme at all. Happens very often. Men can’t deal with the rejection in person or sometimes at all. Even over the phone. Our safety is number one priority always. My safety outweighs a man’s feelings. And vice versa. Just how she goes.
I of course agree that your own safety comes first. What I'm talking about is when people ghost for seemingly no reason. Like fair if the person is giving off red flags, being aggressive, but I've had very normal, nice conversations, and then been ghosted. Like it's fine, I don't take it personally, but I would prefer the person is just upfront.
I'm sorry that you've had experiences like this to the frequency that you feel you need to do this for your own safety, I'm just saying that the people who are upset over lack of contact are not always men who will get violent.
To add, most women have had that experience of the guy being totally “normal” and nice and convo goes well and that’s how they end up being treated after telling them in person or via phone. Thats what we’re all saying. I’ve had no “warning” and I ended up being verbally/emotionally abused, if it was in person I have no doubt he would tried something sexual as well. The aggression was high. Women don’t need warnings to just end ‘relations’ with you. (Relations that don’t even exist yet!)
I completely understand. Genuinely, it must be very hard to experience that and for that, I am also sorry. That does suck. Quite a bit and hopefully you find someone and can stop dealing with it. Unfortunately, the point is that most women won’t and CAN’T take the chance. That’s just it. Again, you’re still putting your feelings first. It doesn’t matter if there’s been no “red flags”. There doesn’t need to be.
No, you are incorrect. It isn’t an extreme situation—or rather, it is. It’s extremely common for men to act this way and a good chunk of my rejection experiences have involved men acting this way. Thanks tho!
Is it better to know why? Not sure. The courtesy of notifying is good
I had a woman do this exact thing to me before a first date. Wrote her back, "Congrats. Good luck. That is the reason we all are on the apps." She seemed blown away that I took it so well.
It is easier to take when you haven't met the person, have other conversations going on, and other dates set up.
Had a date lined up with this nice girls, but me and another girl agreed to meet up after the first made plans, bit ended up meeting second one first, hit it off and had a good time, wanted to pursue further, so brokd the news to the first girl that I was really sorry, but it felt wrong to still go on the date when I already had eyes for someone else specifically, she was understanding and wished me luck
That happened to me last October. He was back on the apps 4mo later.
Still sounds like he did the right thing though right? He didn’t know if it was going to work out with the woman he was talking to or not, but didn’t want to mislead anybody and wanted to focus on one potential relationship?
He did do the right thing. I thought it took a lot of balls to call me up and be that honest. Most guys probably would have just ghosted.
I've done it and then been back on the apps a month later 😄
I felt it would be poor form to go back to the woman I'd let down.
my bf went back to the woman he ghosted twice and now we’re getting engaged! (met on bumble too!)
It’s nice until it seems like the message is on repeat and shared amongst all ur matches.
I've done this, or a version of it, and gotten flamed by the other person. I mean clearly that's a bullet dodged but it still sucks to be yelled at for trying to do the honorable thing.
I would add to this that keeping the match is of interest to me. It's not that you're a backup option. It's just that i met the other person first. This never resonates, though...
100% I’ve sent messages like this and the girls like ok lmk if you still wanna talk sometime…only positives.
Even then girls have done it to me and even when I might not believe it I take it at face value and wish them the best we can do it yall
That’s actually so wholesome. Sorry for you but that was the best move on his part!
cause then we cant leave the other person hanging for a few weeks while we test the waters proper. then by the time we should be ready to do this that match should have already longed fizzled.
This is most wholesome bumble post I’ve seen. It’s extremely refreshing cause online dating sucks lol
Agreed. Only had this happen to me once, but she was very respectful and stated that she met someone else on the app. Unfortunately the norm has been to set something up and they never show up and disappear (block? Delete profile? Who knows?). The worst was sitting in a restaurant when it dawned on the wait staff before me that I was taking up a table without ordering waiting for someone who had no intention of showing or even texting to cancel.
Adults using their words. What a concept!
Love the communicationnnnnn!!!
Bruh I need some matches first 🤣
And I need to create an account first lol. ¯\(ツ)\/¯
I send this every time. Also send a nice message that I’m not interested, in a nicer way, after a date. It’s the younger people that have zero social skills I find. Anyone I date under 35 is from a different planet.
I did this and was so impressed by the sweet response that I would recommend everyone do this. We stayed in touch as friends for a bit as a result.
It’s as easy as that!
I have started doing this or just reaching out and saying “hey, I’m sorry I changed my mind and am no longer interested in moving forward.”
We HAVE to normalize this. It’s low effort and so much kinder than ghosting though there are times when ghosting is necessary.
I usually write “sorry for being a total asshole I’ve decided to focus on dating someone else that I’ve met. Thanks for the great chat and good luck!”
I’m not on bumble anymore but I agree with your statement 10000% I do wish people were more courteous like this. Thank you
I sent an almost identical message to a girl, before we had met & before I had even asked her out on a date and she flipped it & went off on me.
You just don’t know how someone will respond, most women have just unmatched me after such a message.
This is something I’ve done in the past. Albeit they always blew up after that, but I always let folk know I was trying to focus on one person.
This is a very sucky feeling but at the same time such a good thing to feel as well. Back when I was dating I had similar experiences and I was also kinda sad but also felt so much respect for the other person. More people should be like this
Do the right thing and communicate goddamnit
Not everyone appreciates honesty (to people who don’t do this are escapist)
%100 good person, best of luck to them.
No one ever does that wow!
Had someone who was honest like that. Except she let me know that the guy she met was the reason why she kept canceling our dates. And she wanted to be friends🙄
That’s basically exactly what I do when I decide I’m not interested.
This whole “ghosting” is thing has got to go.. I mean, unless you’ve just exchanged a message or two or whatever.. But if there’s been a relationship development it’s just rude and inconsiderate to drop off without sending them a quick message saying thanks but no thanks.
Huge Respect 👏🏻
I’ve had a few with the decency to do this. If only they all did.
I wish this happened. Because I get sick of getting ghosted
I WISH THERE WAS A REPOST ON THIS THING!
Lmao.
Somebody I matched with dud something similar. He let me know before deleting the app, but he tried to keep in touch still and be friends with me despite being official with his boyfriend. 😕
we need more mature people who communicates like this!
I've had women tell me that. I have no idea if they were letting me down easy, or really did somehow meet a future from one day to the next, but at least they are not nasty or ghost.
I've had to do that myself, so I know it's plausible enough that it doesn't feel too raw.
Give the man a cigar!
Did you go on a date with this person before this message??
They probably do but you never see it when remove you
This is exactly why I only speak to one woman at a time and if I have multiple people speaking to me I politely cut it off with others. I dont want to be in a position where I could hurt someone unnecessarily. I still think its douchey to set up a date with someone and then call it off for someone else, it gets peoples hopes up.
Was this you?
I’m always upfront/honest and get the worst results.
Better than getting ghosted. For sure.
There are a few healthy people out there
Idk why people aren't like this. Maybe they'd rather be the a$$hole before giving u the chance to get mad.
I’ve done this
I do!
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27d
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27d
I do this when I dont want to date someone before I've met them but because we chatted for 3 or 4 days I feel bad so this feels like a nice way out
That’s rare most women just ghost.
Its cool... until it happens the 10th time.
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Why can’t people be honest like this?