Am I wrong for being upset my gf of 8 years now wants sex?

For real. When I got to that part I gasped.

Dude did all that from a genuine place of empathy, only for it come back and bite him in the ass.

That's why people shouldn't use words like never or always. The present you might feel like it's true, but you don't know what your future you will have to say about it

The phrase "this is beyond reddit's pay grade" is often tossed around.

Actually, probably not enough...

I just realized that "I can publish you" is something I never want to hear in counseling.

 I did not punch my dick, or balls.

This is my favourite reddit quote of all time. Why did he have to clarify this lmao? You're spot on, reddit should not even suggest a solution.

I was the subject of a professorship thesis for a psychiatrist who treated me in the hospital. After I got out of the hospital, I was her patient for a year and she had me doing all these studies, that at least I got paid for.

The levels of dysfunction would be unmatched 

train psychiatrists

choo choo

Thats quite fucked up tbh. Im a psych student. Graduating next year. Planning on becoming a clinical psychologist. Im just glad theyre going to therapy.

And like... You can get horny and watch porn and jerk off all you want on your own?? Just because you can't have sex with your partner doesnt mean you yourself have to impose this bizarre self flagellation every time you get a boner or have a sexy thought.

Yeah, someone with some letters after their name needs to figure out why in the world this seemed like a reasonable way to behave.

I don't know how to process this post, honestly.

Trauma response is very individual and it's a horrible thing to go through. On the other hand, I have to wonder, how one never would realize that their partner is dealing with something like this on their own. Every movie, every song, basically everything around us reminds us of that aspect of life...

And they have been together 8 years and suddenly now the girlfriend wants to try it, there must be a reason for that.

They have such poor communication that it's hard to understand how they work.

It's stranger, to me, to see "positive punishment" used correctly on reddit, then to read OP's story on reddit.

OP could be a very interesting case study if the story is truthful.

Here’s my question… what if her libido suddenly vanishes, just as it suddenly reappeared

8 years of NO, followed by a flipped switch and anger over no sex, then essentially getting a 🤷🏻‍♀️ when asked if she would stay with him if his libido never returned…

Def beyond our pay grade but… I don’t see a positive end for them…

This is so simple though. First, he should see an endocrinologist and rule out any hormonal issues.

Next, he needs a personal psychiatrist who specializes in sex therapy/sexual dysfunction with whom he can built rapport and talk about all the shit he has been repressing for 8 years.

THEN he needs to decide whether he is ready for couples therapy with a therapist (MD probably doesn’t matter for this as he has his own medical care now) who ALSO specializes in sex therapy and is queer friendly. Why? Because -depending on where he lives, the ordinary counselors might have political or religious agendas that you might avoid with a queer friendly/queer therapist.

BUT ALSO, his GF needs to talk to her therapist about why she can’t just sexually assault her boyfriend! Can you imagine just grabbing someone’s crotch with whom you don’t already have crotch grabbing consent?! Being in a relationship with someone never makes someone’s body community property just because. You gotta work up to that kind of stuff!

And, finally, if he isn’t ready, then he also should STRONGLY consider breaking up! Because this relationship (and not necessarily his girlfriend) FUCKED HIM UP. Sometimes cutting your losses is the quickest and safest path to a necessary mental health reboot.

TL;DR: OF COURSE he isn’t wrong to be put out by being crotch grabbed!!! He’s totally right! His GF is being crude and gross and she needs to try harder! And he should feel safe saying that to her. If he doesn’t, he should seriously rethink his relationship.

Absolutely this. I feel for them but, but Jesus. This guy needs way more support than any internet stranger can provide.

These are two complete idiots who should have broken up years ago.

I love that he had to clarify he didn't beat the shit out of himself. I shouldn't be laughing but it was just worded in a funny way

Normal ones don't create such wild advice posts. Selection bias. 

Yeah. I thought mine was weird and turbulent but then I read this and all of a sudden mines not so bad.

People really settle out there for any people they can get

I have dismissive-avoidant attachment so reading about the crazy shit that people will put up with to be in a relationship is fucking insane to me. I genuinely can't wrap my head around it.

I don't think it's strange. I think OOP is depressed from getting rejected sexually a lot. Depression really kills your libido

/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/ often makes me happy to be single. Because boy howdy, a lot of these relationships are not worth it.

So true. Rewiring the brain like that will take a minute.

Imagine she isn't after all he went through for her? I don't blame her for not wanting sex, anyone can live the way they want to. But bro changed himself for her for 8 years and thinking about the possibility of this never working out for the two of them is heartbreaking

The gf says she will be patient, I hope she is as much as he was

I doubt it

Exactly. I don't understand why so many people are demonizing the girlfriend. She never asked him to harm himself. She was upfront about her issues, and he chose to accept that as something he wanted in his life. He's an adult and could have been honest about his boundaries instead of going to such extreme lengths to diminish them and then getting upset at her for overcoming her sexual trauma. The right answer wasn't to traumatize himself just to be with her.

At some point, we all have to take responsibility for our choices. This was a choice he made. The girlfriend had sexual trauma, it's unfair to expect her to be traumatized forever. She did what he didn't do - she was honest about her boundary regarding a sexless relationship. This is exactly what he should have done from the start. It's clear who’s the more mentally healthy one.

He essentially self harmed his whole sexuality away.

He never should have done that, it’s going to take years to get him back to where he was if it ever does.

That’s the part that changed my whole opinion. At first I thought well, he just got used to not having sex, so he’ll need some time to get used to it again. That sounds all right. But the fact that he actually has self inflicted physical pain associated with sex makes it a whole separate level of fucked up

He basically did conversion therapy on himself.

Yeah like. He wasn't sexually assaulted but he was still sexually traumatized by himself and I don't think he or anyone who commented realizes that

This. I am so concerned and sad for OOP. It shouldn't have gotten to this point.

He was already messed up. Someone who isn't messed up wouldn't have hit themselves in the first place.

I also wonder how old are they. They sound very young in which case, the GF maybe wasn't even ready to have sex which is normal.

No fr why did everyone gloss over that fact. She says oh well I don't know what will happen if he doesn't want sex yet he was willing to go sexless his whole life. I dont care if she was a victim in the past because what she's doing to him is so disgusting and pressuring someone to have sex is gross whether or not u were a victim.

Something else to unpack, his gf is healing from her own trauma. She may need sexual agency to fully resolve said trauma.

Yeah. It literally is self harm, and it’s self harm in the service of destroying his relationship with his sex drive and enjoyment of it. This is Very Bad, and won’t just go away because his gf feels ready to grab a crotch with no warning or permission. 

I guess people are so conditioned to seeing men as these hyper sexual beings who see relationships in terms of only sex most of the time, it's shocking to know there are men who abstain for the girl they love. Not that it's healthy or should be encouraged.

Combination of good old fashioned US puritanism and incel fanaticism.

I instantly thought of those gay conversion torture camps.

It's a super shitty answer, but at least it's an honest one. So many people would just throw out the "of course we'll make it work no matter what" placation and bs their way past that question. I honestly don't think OOPs gf is actually is in a good place to start having sex anyway because that approach, yikes. Hope therapy and sex therapy helps them both.

They don’t seem to be able to communicate very well at all so I wonder how long their talks generally are

I've had a lot of long talks where nothing of value came of it.

Guilty;)

Yeah that’s…concerning and gross. Even in a sex less relationship you’d think there’d be enough intimacy to approach it slowly - and she’d understand consent and groping but what do I know? 

it's the mindset that guys are always down for sex anytime.. first thing when a guy reject sex the first conclusion it's always he dont find me attractive, he getting it for somewhere else...

as much as sex it's a natural 'Instict' humans can always condition ourselves especially for OP he have condition himself to not gave in to his urges.. it takes time to rewire ur brain back to normal..

I think it’s kinda messed up the gf is in a better place with her trauma and now she expects sex on demand.

She probably thought about it like fixing herself for him and now wanting to show off and surprise him.

Just like he "fixed" himself for her. It's messed up, but I wouldn't draw too many conclusions from her first attempt and reaction. But she will have to grow her mind-set quickly.

I just don't understand in what world this wouldn't be brought up gently by her through conversation first

she just started grabbing crotch

Quite ironic for someone who's libido was apparently absent due to sexual assault to have her first initiation of sexual intimacy with her partner be... sexual assault.

Right. The relationship traumatized him. She sexually assaulted him. And she does not have his patience to wait for him to be fixed.

He needs to get out of this and escape her selfishness.

This comment pairs really nice with your flair.

Yeahup, he's definitely on a time-limit before she starts exploring nearly a decade of everything she's been missing out on

Poor guy traumatized himself over a relationship that turns out isn't worth it that much for her... the fact that she's talking about "wait for him" is disgusting, he deserves more from a partner.

Yeah, jeez, I feel like I'd be able to understand it a bit more with the scenario presented if not for the part where she really has the gall to act the way she does over his lack of libido.

She's without sexual desire due to trauma, his way of holding himself back was not one she knew about and she felt bad about it, and they find themselves in an odd zone where they've effectively swapped places, but... she knew what place HE was in for this long, and he stayed exactly where he was. After so many years, she can stand to have a little patience, herself.

Yep. OOP should absolutely see a therapist, but the first step in the journey of healing is getting this woman gone. 

And she graciously said she is willing to be patient with him.

I'm not sure I am allowed to say the words I think about how I feel about this statement.

It sounds like she does not.