Do men actually leave when they don’t feel good enough?

Men don’t even approach if they don’t feel good enough.

Generally good men will leave once it’s clear (for the hundredth time) that they’re not really valued in the relationship.

People overall will either cherish or take for granted genuine love and affection from their partners

Men are most likely to leave when they don't feel valued and appreciated.

Remember, guys, you don't owe her a better life.

I'm sure a couple of ex's might have characterized me leaving as that. I just get tired that nothing is ever good enough for them. It's good enough for a short while, then the pot consistently gets raised. It's a game of "how much can I get away with." And I notice it early in relationships, in which they promptly get put in the trash.

People don’t leave relationships they are happy in.

feeling pressured by the responsibilities of a relationship

This is the number one reason men are reluctant to commit. You have expectations of what your M partner will do. He may not want to be responsible for what you want.

In situations for this, it's almost 100% because I like her, and I've tried, but she's not respecting my time or effort and relationship-building is only done on her terms (whether that's pacing of a relationship or actual time spent together, amount and scheduling).

If I say "I just can't handle this rn" and bring up work or other responsibilities, it's probably a last ditch effort to get it through her skull that she's not helping me, she's just another stressor in my life, and that's 100% a choice she is making.

As a young adult I left because I wasn't good enough for my own expectations.

Some do.

Insecurity is one hell of an insidious thing.

But it can also just be a case of "It's not you, it's me."

Men tend to leave when they feel undervalued or like a burden.

Men never receive words of encouragement or gratitude. Don't overdo it, but if we went from hearing a positive thing once a year to once a week, it would completely change our mindset.

Some men leave. Some men don't leave. Some let it crush their soul with feelings of inadequacy and shut themselves into a hole of knowing they'll never be good enough for the one they love. Some keep trying if even by a little. Others give up the hard way.

Really, the best thing to do is not shit on men to the point they feel they're not good enough. And if you don't feel they're good enough, leave. Don't wait for the man. There's a good chance he'll try and tough it out and both of you will be miserable.

In a relationship, physical attraction only gets you so far. There’s so many more layers of complexity beyond appearance. If you can’t make most of those layers work, the relationship will collapse. The biggest one is emotional gratification — does the relationship “feel good”?

I'd say yeah. Part of the reason I left a previous relationship was due to the fact I didn't feel financially secure enough to be able to give my gf more in terms of time or dates.

I think it's a real thing.

I think it would happen with a big mismatch of life stage or income.

If you're with someone whose idea of a vacation is going to Milan for a week and yours is going to the nearest major city for a day. You're going to feel like a burden 

Some do, yeah. This depends on the person. It all comes down to self-esteem and mental health.

From my personal experience it’s bs. We will work extra shifts, take on a second job and hustle our asses off to do what we must if by “good enough” you mean provide. Most men once in a relationship will be happy af someone loves em.

If we do leave usually it’s something compatible we can’t over come. Or in my case I couldn’t over her cheating. She made it seem I gave up or that I just wasn’t man enough to get over it. Placing all blame on men when it was clearly her fault? Worse thing you can do in the end.

Not for me. If I leave it's because I could see that there was a problem I could not overcome. For whatever reason I can clearly see that we would never work so I hit the bricks. Each case is different.

Sure. I've done that. But I think it was real for me. I was a drug addict.

A lot of guys are flipping the narrative here, but there is some element of shame in some relationships. There's a difference between "I'll never be enough for her," and "I'll never reach her standards." The first is feeling inadequate to what you think you should be. The second is feeling inadequate to what she thinks you should be. You're talking about the first.

Now, to be clear, sometimes a woman will make a man feel this way on purpose. This is the second disguised as the first and a form of manipulation and abuse. Other times a man will project his own feelings of inadequacy onto falsely perceived expectations of the woman. This is the first disguised as the second and a form of unhealthy justification for whatever comes next.

As to the first, I've felt it in my marriage.

I'm not good enough. Why doesn't she leave? She deserves and can get better than this. I'm too broke. I'm too weak. I will never be enough. I thought I could be. I was before, but things have changed. How did I fail so utterly when i had it so good? Why is she still here? How can I ever become deserving again?

I haven't seen a man leave for this reason, but I have been tempted to just disappear for this reason so I'm sure that others have done just that.

I broke up with my girlfriend of four years on the eve of our 5-year anniversary late last year. I regret it every day and wish I could take it back. I left because after some personal issues, I became the main financial support for my family and I sank into a deep hole trying to make sure no one became homeless.

I had to stop paying my credit lines off fully each month and started having to do cash advances. I went from having a credit score over 780 to a 499 currently, according to my bank app. She, on the other hand, was the perfect woman. Beautiful, with a great job, Ivy League educated, bought a house at 25, and generally had it set. I don’t know what she saw in me to begin with.

I was a dirt poor child growing up and was finally able to start changing my life financially over the last five years. I’m a couple of years older than her and “should” (everyone’s life is different) be at a point in my life where I’m a lot more set career-wise and financially. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel it was fair for her to continue to wait for me and my family to be in a good place where they no longer need me.

I wanted to give her everything, but I could only give the very, very little I had. She deserved to be with someone who’s on her level financially, who can be with her way more often than I could be, who can make her his priority, someone who was already the man I’m working towards becoming. No matter how much I wanted to be that man for her, I just couldn’t. So I did what I thought was best for her.

So yeah, sometimes men do leave when they feel they aren’t good enough.

I equate it to this. I was married to my ex-wife for 14 years, and she never once came out to me and offered me a glass of water when I’ve been outside busting my ass doing yard work in August. Appreciation for the small things goes a long way with me. I always remember the classic line from Bill Burr about his wife making him a sandwich out of nowhere, “you know how many times I’ve thought about that sandwich?”

Men leave when they don’t feel respected. Every man has a slightly different definition of respect.

Do men actually leave when they don’t feel good enough or does it all comes down to he’s just not that into you?

It can be both. It comes down to nuance. You can certainly end things when you're not feeling "enough" and you can certainly end things when you're feeling that she's not "enough". The outcome is the same either way.

Is choking and getting scared to the point of leaving while really being into the person a real thing?

When you don't feel like you're contributing then yes, you can decide on your own that you're not good enough or worthy enough for a great girl. Not that it's what always happens, but that it can happen.

Most men won't start a relationship if he think she's out of his league lol

Some do, sure. I don't think it's common, but it happens. People end relationships for all kinds of reasons, good and bad.

Depends on the person. Some people stay out of fear of being alone while others take that leap into the unknown and do what really is best for them

I self-sabotaged a 5yr relationship where I felt I wasn't good enough any more. Depression and self-doubt are a hell of a thing. I regretted it for a long time

In my experience and opinion men who don’t feel good enough usually sabotage the relationship so that you leave rather than having the guts and confidence to break it off themselves. If they had gut and confidence, they’d feel good enough!

Men in my experience feel an overwhelming need and desire to A) fix shit and B) provide and and a desire to be appreciated. If something is broken in your partner and you CAN’T fix it we(at least me) sometimes feel upset and blame ourselves. If someone is making more or doing better than some me(not me) might feel intimidated. And if you don’t feel appreciated then why are we together?

The fastest way to lose a man is to make him feel unneeded or useless. If he is a man with options he can easily find a some other woman who finds him useful.

So you should take a good long thought about if you want to risk it

Statistically women are the ones to leave relationships. Many men will grin and bear it through the worst of the worst. Not to say both don’t happen on both sides.

OP, you need to ask him what you're doing that's making him feel overwhelmed.

"The responsibilities of a relationship" shouldn't be so substantial that they make him feel pressured, assuming he's not a lazy loser.

yes 100%, i’ve left girls i absolutely loved, still love deeply to this day. but whether i don’t feel good enough or don’t think it’ll be worth the pain. but yes, guys do leave. even if they actually love you.

I left because I didn't feel she showed much interest in the things that I was interested. My hobby is playing video games and as much as I tried to get her involved, bought her few steam games like stardew valley, It takes two and some others. She was not into gaming at all, and I want a person around with whom I could discuss these things. Sure I have friends, but I do want to do it with my gf.

Second biggest problem was that I didn't feel loved enough you could say? Hard to explain this one, but we haven't had sex or anything close to that in our 2 year relationship. Mind you I was her first so I get she was shy, I didn't push her, yet it was hard for me. Her way of showing love was gifts and taking care of me. I appreciate that a lot, but I also wanted more physical contact when she initiates it. Like kissing, hugging, holding my hand and telling me her feelings about me. She rarely did those and it made me feel like I wasn't loved that much. Never had this problem in my previous relationships. Otherwise she was an amazing person and I hope she will find happiness in life.

From my own personal experience, at least I did.

Dated an amazing girl for almost two years, she was exceptional at everything, beatiful, smart, funny and incredibly nice. She excelled at school, was popular among her peers, while I struggled, and still do, with depression. Unfortunately we started dating at my lowest point of my life and I just coudnt keep it up with her. Always comparing myself to her and feeling worthless.

So I just ended it with her, we talked for like an hour and decided it would be best for both of us to part ways. While the burden has lifted up, my life has been feeling empty since without her.

For the right girl, a man will basically do anything.

Without knowing specifics it’s impossible to judge your situation. That being said in a small number of cases yes it can be a real thing. However the balance of probabilities would say that he’s just not that into you if he is being distant.

As a final comment yes relationships take a lot of work at times. The difference between relationships and actual work is that when you are into a relationship it doesn’t feel like working, it feels like willingly putting in effort to a thing you love.

I have

Thank you so much for all the answers. Very insightful.

I have an extra question… have you ever been infatuated with a woman you just met and then got so scared to the point of ghosting/sabotaging the relationship?

I left one medium term relationship when I realized I was never asked my opinion on what our future together would look like. 

I only heard what she wanted our lives to look like. I was to uproot my kids and move to her town. I was to buy a five bedroom house for all of us to live in.  She wanted to get married and have another baby. She saw me as her winning lottery ticket. Nope. 

No, for a man to leave he must 1) feel unappreciated and 2) think that the benefits of the relationship is not worth the effort.

It's incredibly rare for the 2nd condition to occur because men are willing to deal with A LOT of shit just to have access to consistent intimacy. The first point is pretty common, however, because women tend to focus on men's shortcomings which puts men in a losing situation.

For example:

If a man works extra hours so that he can provide more for his family, then the woman may become upset that he no longer spends as much quality time.

I left when (these are different people)

• I wanted her to be happy, but she was content to be unhappy and committed to not changing
• I was doing all of the reaching out and date planning. We had good times together, but that effort was never reciprocated
• I couldn’t shake the feeling that I would fall off the pedestal she put me on and end up hurting her
• She wanted me to be someone I wasn’t. Some change is ok and can be healthy, she wanted a completely different personality

They won’t approach if they don’t feel good enough. Once they have you, I don’t think they care about feeling good enough. I did have a guy who I was in the dating phase tell me “ I can’t give you what you want.” I never even openly said what I wanted, but I do know how to dress very nice and look like I have expensive taste, so I guess he just assumed ( I’m good at bargain shopping). Either way it seemed like he felt he had inadequacies . He was a guy who wore comic shirt graphic tees, so visually we didn’t match up.

If you read on attachment theory yes

I left, even though I loved my ex, because I wasn't ready for a relationship, and what I was bringing to the table wasn't enough. The person I was with wasn't worth putting the effort in for, which sounds worse and probably hurts worse to hear than it is! I've got so much work to do on myself, I haven't even scratched the surface on relationship stuff. I'm not ready, I couldn't get better without hurting the person I loved, so I left.

I leave when I feel like my partner is just another stress source for me, make me scared of even talking to her, and somehow expect more out of me without putting work herself. Which makes it indeed sound like I'm not enough from her pov.

Yes, but not that simple. I broke up with my ex because I was insecure about a lot of things and didn’t think I was adequate. It did a lot of damage to my self-confidence which manifested itself in toxic ways. I recognized that was unhealthy for her even though she wanted to stay. I also recognized that correcting my behavior was going to be a slow process despite my best efforts and I didn’t want to keep hurting someone I loved so I broke up with her. I still loved her and part of me still does, but I legitimately was not good for her and despite how hard of a choice it was I don’t regret it. I just regret I wasn’t good enough at the time.

I didn't leave my first girlfriend, but I pushed her away until she eventually left me. I considered it my final act of love to free her from the train wreck that I was slowly becoming at the time. She deserved better.

Nah. If dudes don’t feel good enough most are gonna put in a little extra effort. When they don’t feel like they’re wanted or they feel undervalued, then they’ll leave

Men dont generally leave because of pressure, choking or being scared. I think you described more of a woman thing. Men are easy to please and are punished for leaving certain relationships so we usually dont leave for those reasons you mentioned

Not feeling appreciated as someone else said id second its a big one.

I recently left a relationship where I did everything at home and she went out with friends multiple times and would mess up her kids sleep schedule all the time. I asked on multiple occasions for help with chores and stuff like that but I was met with nothing. Sometimes I wonder if I should’ve stayed longer but I couldn’t take it after 3 months of living with her. I was together with her for about a year and a half but I ignored the signs thinking she would change.

Two answers:

• Theirs men who have mental health issues or maturity issues and they legitimately dont feel good enough for the person they're with. Hopefully in time theyll grow out of it or get the help they need to see clearly. Sometimes it takes them being out of the relationship and time alone to grow, theirs no helping them until they take that time to find themselves.

• Yes, I have walked away from relationships where I was mistreated and undervalued. 0 Hestitation. My mother was a narcissistic monster and after a lot of healing and settling for bad women in relationships I finally respected myself to not waste my time on women who were overbearing and controlling.

This feels related to something I've always wondered about.

At least, the comments are touching on this.

I've always wondered if a lot of men absolutely hate their jobs and sort of resent women because they feel women are the only reason they have to have a job. Or if men feel that they alone aren't good enough, and that their job makes them such.

Until my husband, every man I've ever been with has left when I asked them if they could get a job. They didn't start out jobless, but I sort of more or less paved the way for them to become jobless -- I owned my own home and paid for most things. It would just happen they would get frustrated with their job, quit, and then choose not to work again because they didn't have to. When I asked them to get a job, the answers varied, but it all boiled down to "we aren't going to be happy together if I have a job": "I'm going to be angry all the time," "I don't need a job, so I'll resent you for making me have one," etc.

The relationships were good otherwise -- we were happy and had hobbies, and all three contacted me later to say it was a mistake to leave me. They were largely good people. Afaik two now live with their parents, but one became a fairly successful streamer. It feels like they simply could not go back to work.

And it's not just me -- a younger friend has had similar experiences, although for her it was more fighting that led to breakups, rather than them leaving.

So I guess what I've observed is that some men really could just do without the trappings of society altogether. For those specific men, the entirety of having to maintain a lifestyle is done for women only. So maybe when some men say they "aren't good enough" it's really that their life goals don't align at all with what women think -- e.g. not good enough for something they don't even want to begin with?

yeah, that's cope. spat out by women who are entitled.

men leave when they aren't valued or appreciated.

No, but i wish that i left when she started to prioritize her male best friend over me and didn't want to compromis in her texting behavior with him.

Started calling me insecure/jealous/controlling, broke up with me.

Oh, and she went to him.

yes, i left. Doing a 14h job and getting shit because she had a doctor degree and doing reasearche in a field where nothing happened while my job was evry minute hands on... I got better and earned more than her while she litterally had nothing to do. I enjoyed my work while she did not. I kept the job and left the nagging.

I want to marry my girlfriend one day, but we each still have a lot of personal growth to do. I can tell you not feeling appreciated enough definitely gets to a man - especially when he puts in a lot of effort, time, and personal expense into showing willingness to build and grow in a relationship. Put effort into showing appreciation of your partner’s efforts.

Towards the end my ex treated me like I was a side piece and I felt worthless. It was painful, because on the one hand I loved her to bits and wanted to work on things, but on the other hand I knew I had communicated my lack of satisfaction and she kept crossing boundaries

It was painful, but I had to force her to have a conversation and she didn't like that

The truth is, yes. I felt like the relationship was more of a checklist of things that had to be done, things I didn't enjoy but my partner did. In the end, it was stressful for me to maintain a facade and unfair for her not to have a partner who truly supported her. So, I decided to end the relationship before it went on any longer. I've never forgotten the feeling of relief I had when I slept that night.

Yeah sounds like bullshit. If your relationship requires you to step up. Just do it, if u need to work more for the relationship so be it.

If they actually love the girl and think she deserves whatever she wants in the world. Then they can understand that it's not them. And they have to accept that one way or another.

It's not easy tho, easier to move on

What’s the question

No one is ‘scared to do the work’ whatever that means, but I’m lost as to the basic question

I have left because of that. I began experiencing mental health issues and felt she didn’t sign up it so I made up her mind for her. I wasn’t good enough, she deserved better.

I can say as a man I've felt this way before and certainly re-considered some relationships because I genuinely thought I was doing something terribly wrong or not good enough as you said for the person I was dating

On this - do men ever leave on their own or do they always line someone else up first? Once heartbroken over a break up my friends husband told me ‘men never throw away their only pair of shoes’ and I’ve never forgotten it :(

💯! When there’s no need for us in any way or we can’t do nothing for you or teach you something new or provide for you in any way, there’s really no point of us being there… you’ve got it so good luck with it? XD

No this doesn't happen. Men leave when she's not putting in a reasonable amount of effort, showing affection, or taking away from his life when she should be adding to it.

I left one relationship because I knew I couldn't give her the things to make her happy. It wasn't that I didn't feel good enough, but she wanted to have a ton of kids, stay at home mom, big house, and travel. I'm not a millionaire so I wasn't the right guy for that.

Doesn’t matter how into someone I am, if I am playing a game of “good enough” I will forfeit and leave on principle alone

I left an ex eventhough at the time I cared deeply about her because she always had to complain about everything i did. So I wouldn't say it didn't feel good enough. I am imo great so that's not the issue and I don't think it would be an issue for most men. The issue was who wants to be with someone who only sees the negative you do and not the positive. Who rather complains than communicate properly in a way the relationship can progress. Basically making your partner feel unappreciated for everything they do.

Never be with someone who chokes you.

I left because I felt like I wasnt good enough...but its been so many years that the perspective is completely different. basicly: I thought I wasnt doing enough to be worthy of the person's interest and love. what I've since concluded is that I am worthy: because I've been shown as much by others. the person I was with was not interested in what I had to offer and was not providing positive nor negative feedback.

I made the right decision and left. I know now that it is ok to expect some kind of feedback when you lay your affection on somone, and also within reason to break it off for the lack of feedback.

I can't imagine loving someone and not wanting a relationship with them because it is too much responsibility. If I love someone I am just happy to be around them.

Reasons I have left exes:

I suspected she still had feelings for her ex (I maybe should have given her a chance to get over him). She wanted a child with me but I didn't with her as she could be quite unkind. She wanted me as a step-father to her child and I couldn't cope with that.

I'd dig a bit deeper into what were the scary responsibilities of a relationship that they say they didn't wnt to do.

My boyfriend broke up with me for this reason, it lasted maybe an hour before he came back because he realised he had been an idiot.

I'm pretty sure that's all bullshit.

They do , but it takes years maybe decades of being worn down before enough is enough.

People in general (not just men) are either into you or they're not. It is really that simple. 

Look up dismissive avoidant

We leave when it’s not worth it any more.

Sometimes, about 1/10 as much as women do

They could. It’s completely subjective

I’ve personally only left when I didn’t like the girl enough or she makes my life a living hell.

It's bullshit. Either the love isn't there or the love he truly feels is gone for whatever reason

yes i will leave a woman if i don’t feel strong feelings develop for her

If a man said that to you, there's a small chance that's true. Maybe he actually feels that way. But there's a much greater chance that he just wasn't that into you and wanted to find a good way to say "you're not the problem it's me."

It’s quite the opposite. Men will leave when they feel SHE isn’t good enough. If a woman can’t add any value to the relationship and brings nothing to the table; it’s over. Good looks are not enough and beauty fades with time.

I've never seen a man leave who didn't already have someone lined up. But it does usually stem from feeling unappreciated or not respected or desired.

Absolutely. I recently left a toxic relationship because no matter what I was never enough and since then I realized that she was nothing but abusive and horrible

This is why I insist on getting to know some one before making any kind of commitment. I have no way of knowing for sure until there is a way to be. It can and does take weeks/months to get to know some one properly. Compatibility is a much bigger deal than just settling.

Men won't easily give up if they actually love their partner, I mean if they love you they can handle the pressure and if the pressure overcomes a man to the point of leaving it's because he thinks this person isn't just worth going through such a troubles

Definitely real for some at least. I was extremely depressed (and not being treated) and couldn't believe that I wasn't somehow harming my partner by being with them. Hurting my partner, even unintentionally, wasn't an option for me. So I left.

Yes, of course it's a real thing.

If the relationship is making his life worse, instead of better, he'll probably leave, regardless of the why its making his life worse.

Men don't owe you the relationships you want from them. You have to actually be a net benefit to a partner's life. People are in relationships because they want to be. You have to give them a reason to want to be in a relationship with you.

You were probably unpleasant to be around and he probably tried to talk to you about it several times but women do not listen and they do not handle constructive criticism like adults. You just throw temper tantrums and blame other people for your own behaviors when people try to talk to you.

I think it happens, particularly with younger men with lower confidence. But that is probably not the whole story. I was in a similar situation once. I was in an uncertain time with my career, I was with a girl that I loved, but the vibe I was getting from her is that being with a man that is financially successful was a pre-requisite for her happiness. It did not feel good. I was stressed about failing in her eyes. So I kinda quit, rather than risking being a failurez

It's not that they don't feel good enough, its that they aren't getting the recognition , appreciation they're giving.

The trope that men wil sacrifice their happiness for a relationship is fiction, but we've all began to realise that boundaries are just for women.

Men leave when they are made to feel they arent good enough. Especially when it comes from the woman they look at and think "Say what?!"

Absolutely. I knew she deserved better, and I couldn't give it to her- and that she seemed to be willing to remain miserable with me out of a misplaced sense of loyalty. Her being miserable made me miserable, and so I let her go once I realised I was just being a selfish dickhead. I decided not to get involved with anyone else until I had become a better person. Seven years later... hasn't happened. Better that than make someone else miserable that I care about.

My ex girlfriend gave me everything I ever wanted, but her insecurities, her life centered around me 24/7 and always put her demand for attention above everything. I loved it at first, but it slowly drained me dry, and I took her for granted. She left me, meeting her needs is impossible, I understand now she has had many relationships and been single for a long time. Still love her I way, but I think I love the idea of her.

No I jerk off alot

IM ABOUT TO

Better to leave than to continue to weigh you down with an anchor of bs

I'd say most men would do that.

I didn't feel valued or appreciated in my last relationship, but I was pathetic and needy and stayed until she had enough of me

Some guys definitely don't want to put the work in to make a relationship work. Some guys panic when things start to get serious. So both could be true for your case.

However guys will also leave if they don't feel appreciated or respected. If when you use the word "expectation" you're really meaning "entitlement" you're gonna lose a lot of guys who might actually love you but aren't feeling it back.

I honestly didn't realize how big this was until I met a woman who actually showed her appreciation for me and things I did for her. Even stuff that was "expected", she'd still thank me for those things. She also made things a two way street as she would find things to do for me to show her appreciation or respect.

Plot twist for many women....your physical looks and sex are NOT going to be enough to keep a guy. Any man with an average amount of self respect will not stay in a relationship where they do not feel valued and/or respected.

If you have expectations for your partner, communicate them clearly early on, and even if it is an expectation, still make sure you let them know you appreciate him.

If it didn't feel good to be with my partner, why would I be with her?

That’s people in general. It’s more of a character trait vs a gender specific one. Some people are stubborn and persevere and others break under pressure and bail.

Considering almost every relationship has ended with them saying "I love you, I'm just not IN love with you" and they are with someone new within a few weeks, yeah I do often get the sense I'm not good enough. I've been left after 4 years of being together and would really not like to have that happen again. If I don't feel appreciated or wanted then yeah, I'm going to leave. I'm not going to be a place holder until you find the guy you actually want. The last girl did a number on me and I'm grateful for the support of my friends. But I honestly don't think I would survive losing another long-term relationship for seemingly no reason. It's self-preservation. I'm not going to try and convince you to like me. You either do or you don't. If I don't feel wanted, I don't want it.