UPDATE for telling my husband's affair baby's family to either come get the kid or I'm calling CPS.

Get a paternity test before you allow of your husband’s estate to be taken.

They shouldn’t be asking you what to do with this baby, they should be talking to their own daughter. She’s the baby’s mother. You have no responsibility to this child.

"Let's ask our daughter's affair's estranged widow what to do with our grandchild?"

It’s funny how people are so vocal when it comes to what they want out of you, but then have nothing to say when it’s pointed out they could be doing that thing if it was so important to them.

it's amazing how your kids are open to you doing work which they don't want to do.

good on you to point out their hypocrisy.

It is funny that everyone else expects you to take care of a child you have no connection to at all. Like I would get it if your children want to take in their half-sibling. But that baby is literally has no connection to you at all. Like this is nor your child nor is it your mistake. And tbh a kid should have a loving parent and well getting past the issues with the kid will be hard so its not like you would even make a good fit for the kid anyways. Did your husband have any siblings or cousins or other family which could take them in. That might be the best solution.

But I entirely agree with not paying one cent out of your own savings.

Also if your children have an issue with it, tell them they are free to adopt them. The AB (affair baby) has more of a connection to them then you. Since it has no connection to you other than your late husbands mistake.

Edit: One thing I forgot to note. It is especially extra funny the parents are pushing the OP. When their own daughter is in some far off land not wanting to take care of the child. That is the actual person they should be trying to guilt and give custody to. Though again the same issues arise with, would that be a better life? Living with someone who will abandon them at a drop of a hat. BUT at bare minimum she is the childs mother. Like the best life for that child would likely be adoption (even though the adoption system is sketch as hell in general).

You seem to have yourself together and I am sorry for your loss. Please make sure you have a good lawyer to deal with this. This could get complicated and ugly quickly. Best of wishes

You absolutely shouldn't adopt a child you might resent (not your fault, not the child's, but of the circumstances).

You have no obligation to the baby, apart from your late husband's money that might be owed to his bio child, nothing else. The grandparents should step up, some other relatives, the child's bio mom, or the baby should be given up for adoption.

Whichever it may be, you have no obligation.

This is one of those situations where as soon as you helped a little bit, it made it LOOK like you should keep helping. But if you had kicked him and the kid out right away, or if you had moved out right away without helping, the perception about you being responsible for this child would be completely different. A woman getting mad and leaving her husband because he cheated and brought home an affair baby sounds completely reasonable. It is so hypocritical of people to think that just because you kept a level head about the situation and didn't burn everything down right away that you should just be a doormat forever. You haven't done anything wrong.

NTA

I think people must be extremely dense to think you are "cold".

HE was unfaithful

His AP (ass piece) was a cvnt and homewrecker that just ran away from her kid and that's YOUR problem? What kind of mental gymnastics are people doing?

I think you were smart to call your kids out and tell them they can take care of their sibling if fAmiLy is so important.

Big big hugs to you. Sorry for your loss

The child has a mother that is alive and well.

That's all any court will care about and you'd be within your rights to stop all communication with the child's family.

Looking at it objectively, this is firmly a "this is their problem to sort out - not mine" issue.

Time to just stop talking to them unless it's through lawyers.

Still NTA.

NTA

Sorry for your loss. 

The baby is with their family, father's deceased and you're not the mom, no idea why folks are bothering you about raising and taking care of the baby. Your kids aka half siblings and grandparents are the ones that have to care for this baby, not you. I'm sorry about you dealing with the aftermath of your husband's actions and I feel for that poor baby that seems like no family members want to care for them and want to push their responsibilities on you.

make sure there is a paternity test. Speak to a lawyer proactively.

V. sorry for your experiences. Serious question: if one of your children DID decide to step up and raise the child, what would your reaction be?

Not your monkey, not your circus. You, personally, owe the child nothing. I find it interesting that your children, half siblings, think that you should care for your hubby's kid, but that they should not be involved.

Assuming that somebody sues for part of your hubby's estate, please be smart & get a lawyer to represent you.

NTA.

The child is currently with her parents. They asked me what I wanted to do. I recommended adoption. Not that I adopt the child. That they put the child up for adoption.

"That is your grandchild. Not my child. Why are you asking me what I want to do with a child that isn't mine?"

Neither did my children.

They said i am being cold and cruel. I suggested that since the child was related to them and not to me that they step up. Neither has accepted that suggestion either.

"This child is not my child, but is your half sibling. If it's important to you that they're looked after, you can take them in yourselves. Or do you expect me to do so?"

I was the sole beneficiary of Roger's estate so I imagine lawyers will be involved in getting the child some sort of support. I will pay whatever is ordered by the court out of the estate. I will not pay one cent out of my money.

Lawyer up first and figure out in regards to Roger's inheritance. Have all communication done via lawyer.

I get that your kids are floored by dad's heart attack and passing, but the idea that you'd take on his affair baby is beyond the pale. Give the kid whatever minimum amount is legally owed from the estate and move on. It's crazy to me that they'd think you would raise this kid. Did they watch Fences too many times and just latch on hard to Viola Davis or something?

NTA.

You're the LAST person they should be asking about what to do with the child. You're not a biological parent, and you washed your hands of it even before your husband died.

If your kids want the baby in their lives so badly, they can adopt it.

I simply don't understand why anyone expects you to raise your late husband's extramarital fuck trophy. Insane.

Ultimately the birth mother and her family just want this whole embarrassing situation swept under the rug. If OP just takes the baby like everyone thinks she should the grandparents and birth mother get to go on and act like the birth mother never had an adulterous affair with a man old enough to be her father that resulted in an unwanted pregnancy. OP’s children get their sibling without having to actually care for them and it also makes it seem like their father was forgiven when he died for causing all of this. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess this isn’t the first time OP has been expected to suck it up and sacrifice to clean up messes she didn’t make.

NTA I think it’s ridiculous they expect you to do anything. The child is their half sibling. If they care so much, they can do something about it. You literally had to find out the person that you loved betrayed you and had a child with someone else.

If he left you his estate, then I wouldn’t give anything to the child unless court ordered.

You have no obligation to that child. You are not related. The grandparents or your children should step up and support the kid. They should not expect you to do it.

Hope your story will be a lesson for other Reddit users. It is sad that Roger didn’t plan enough for his kids. But definitely it isn’t your responsibility to take care of this kid. And if they want your own children should give them some money as they are connected to the kid. You aren’t

He was the love of my love but also a cheating piece of trash.

nothing is ever simple is it?

Parrot their own words back to them:

To the grandparents: “How cruel and miserable do you have to be to not keep your grandchild” and “It’s selfish that you don’t want to take your grandchild in”.

To the mother: “It’s selfish that you gave up your child to live a life of a whore” and “you bring shame on your family by abandoning your child”

To your kids: “It’s cruel & selfish that you want me to do all this work after I was betrayed. This child is your blood and you should take it and raise it. You are selfish if you don’t.”

"This is something you need to discuss with your daughter. The child's actual mother. Who has abandoned her child. Which I have no familial ties to, and no legal responsibility for. " The end.

And there is nothing else TOO SAY on the matter. That is not YOUR CHILD. It was your husbands (may he rest in as much peace as an adulterer can) and his mistress’s child and thus their responsibility. The law would say exactly the same thing. As you stated there may be something needed to come out of your husband‘s estate, which is entirely valid, but you have no obligation to take responsibility for that child.

NTA - there are many people in this story who are still living: the child's grandparents; the child's mother; the child's siblings; the child's relatives on his mother's side; the child's relatives on his father's side. And then there's you. You aren't related to the kid. Why would *anyone*, out of all these people, expect you to be the one who steps up to take custody of the child? That's nonsensical.

Not your kid, not your problem, not your responsibility, and most importantly, not your place, even if you felt otherwise

Tell them “I am only telling you this once- have your lawyer call my lawyer.” And block them. That baby isn’t your responsibility no matter how anyway tries to make you feel about it.

Not a lawyer. I suggest you talk to one. since you are the sole beneficiary and you are not related to the child I don’t see where you owe child support. If you and Roger had child and they are not in the will, then why would the AB deserve to be in it?

The child is not an orphan. an has a living mother who is responsible for the AB. Running off to Europe does not change facts.

Again not a lawyer, just trying to be logical and am willing to be corrected.

I took my older brother in after my siblings and I had to sell my parents house. He had not lifted a finger to care for the house, nor pay the bills for utilities, etc. He lived with me for 12 years, again not lifting a finger to help or pay any rent or utilities. When I sold my house and moved out of state, my other siblings asked how I could be so cruel to kick him out on the street, and shared that perspective with other family members. And when he died, I was not even listed as a sibling at his funeral. Yes, people are definitely like this. It’s so much easier to expect others to accept responsibility so that you don’t have to be inconvenienced.

NTA, I don't blame you

NTA at all, I don’t know why they wanna be upset with you when you have no responsibility to this child, they need to hold mom accountable for abandoning her child and make her pay legal fees for adoption or whatever route is being taken, my personal opinion this child would be better off being adopted since mom wants nothing to do with him

Wow. The nerve of some people. So many people.

You haven't done anything wrong and have been much more sane than anyone else involved.

It comes as a shock when you realize that everyone thinks you should be a doormat.

Please enjoy the rest of your life.

I still can't get over this tidbit from your first post:

My kids tried telling me to stay and help their father. I said that they were welcome to come over and help him with cleaning himself and the baby. Both declined what I felt was a fair offer.

And what's amazing is that you did it again! Here:

Neither did my children.

They said i am being cold and cruel. I suggested that since the child was related to them and not to me that they step up. Neither has accepted that suggestion either.

This is incredible. You did what I always suggest people do when they get "obligated" by other people: put it back on them. And it worked!

I cannot tell you the number of times I've seen people tell other people that they have to step up. Including Redditors! Redditors are eager to point a finger at a stranger and say, "You should take care of that baby!" But it isn't that guy's baby. "Yeah, but he was there for the birth and the baby needs a dad!" OMG YOU DO IT, REDDIT BOY.

We are all so eager to obligate everyone but ourselves. To "tut tut" anyone who we judge isn't doing the moral righteous thing, but will we step up? Nope.

Somehow I get the feeling that if OP had the affair and the baby, the husband wouldn’t be expected to take in the baby.

So everything worked out in the end 😊

I loved how you called them on their hypocrisy when they wanted you (the real victim) to take care of the affair baby while they just watched from their high horse. Yup you keep telling them they’re free to take on the responsability FOR THEIR RELATIVE.

Don’t give them anything, not even the husband’s money. Have the mother actually COME TO THE US and file for it. Don’t make it easier on that deadbeat.

Why would they ask you what you want to do? It’s not your baby. What a horrible thing to go through. Good job for standing your ground and I hope things get easier for you.