AITAH for telling my husband that I’d rather have divorce than go back to being monogamous even if I want my next relationship to be monogamous

Wow, two people that are so far not on the same page that they are in different books. This is likely heading to divorce anyways.

So you want monogamy, yet you are afraid that if you give it to him, your relationship with him will become what it was. I feel like this experience has traumatized you in some kind of way. It sounds like you would have preferred divorce rather than open the marriage. Therapy. Consider therapy for you individually and as a couple.

You had a rule of no relationships but he has a gf? Am I missing a chapter?

"the open marriage strengthened our marriage"

"We are probably getting divorced as a direct result of said open marriage."

😒

We’ve read this story a hundred times before.

Do yourself a favor and skip to the end where you’re happily divorced and living your best life.

NTA. I think his attraction to you is from OTHERS finding you attractive, not his attraction to other people. I think he thought you wouldn't have sex with other men and he would get to play the field knowing you were sitting at home. Things did turn out like he thought and now he wants to close the door to your 'open' marriage.

NTA. You said in another comment he's been sleeping with others over a year while you only started 2 months ago. And NOW he wants to close it? Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too. I think you should just divorce. I say this as a poly person in a poly marriage. My wife and I have always been poly tho, so not the same thing as you. Get a divorce and stop thinking ENM will save your marriage. It won't. It never does.

See, the thing about functioning ENM relationships is that the partners have to be ok with just each other too. I'm totally fine with just my wife and she's totally fine with just me. In fact, we have not had other partners in a few years just because neither of us have the spoons to deal with another relationship right now. We have way too much going on in our lives atm. You can't not be ok with being with JUST YOUR PARTNER and then open up a relationship to make it better. That will always fail. Always.

Your husband is feeling those same feelings you felt when he started fucking other people, except now he expects you to stop because he feels threatened. Notice how it was fine for him to fuck others but as soon as you start, he wants to close it? He feels threatened by the fact that you're no longer at home pining for him while he's off banging some other chick.

You have not saved your marriage. This marriage isn't salvageable. It was broken the minute he said he didn't want you anymore. You need to find YOUR COURAGE AND STRENGTH and let it go. You see that you're desirable still to others. You see that you don't have to have a relationship that needs your husband fucking other women just to want to touch you. That's disgusting. Get your self worth back hun. Seriously. Woman to woman. Get your self worth back and understand you deserve a partner who wants you for you. You're not poly. This isn't healthy ENM. Monogamous people need to stop trying to use ENM to fix a marriage. It will never work. You're either polyamorous or you're not. It really is an either or thing. Divorce him and get your self worth back. Love yourself more than you love him. Put yourself first, he clearly has no problem putting himself first. It's time to let this go.

NTA. I might be completely wrong, but it sounds very much like it was his idea to open the marriage.

'I would want a monogamous relationship' implies that thats what you wanted all along.

So if im right, these are merely the consequences of his own actions. I imagine the irony is not lost on you.

This is almost a cliche tbh. Husband asks to open the marriage. Wife is reluctant but agrees. Husband already had his eye on someone. Wife isnt happy about their relationship but realizes that she can date too. And is wildly successful at it. Husband doesnt like this one bit and asks to close the marriage again. Wife laughs.

Just get a divorce. I think a lot of immature men do this thing where they go, “I’m not attracted to my wife, let’s open up the marriage,” because somehow they think because their wives are no longer attractive to them, it means they’re not attractive to other men. Or they overestimate their own attractiveness and think they’ll be banging a lot of hot women. Then when they see their wives getting pounded regularly by other men, and the men aren’t getting as much action then they want to reclose the relationship.

It’s cursed.

NTAH but you should get divorced.

He is interested now, because he underestimated your value to other men and probably overestimated his value to other women. He has not developed any newfound attraction to you. He just hates that YOU are being fulfilled elsewhere.

You are NOT best friends. You are NOT on the same page. You're not even in the same book.

I wish there was some qualification I could get online to divorce people by proxy. Then I'd start a business:

• Self-esteem ground to dust by SO? I hereby grant your divorce and will include free therapy for the first 6 months.

• Chronic people-pleaser/doormat tendencies with a dash of jelly-like spine? I hereby grant your divorce and include in the package, a very large, brusque man/woman to act as a very loud barricade against bullying SO/ILs/family. For an extra $100, this person can be accompanied by a trained skunk to spray at anyone trying to violate boundaries.

• Potentially aggressive/dangerous SO? I hereby grant your divorce, change of name and relocation. Package can include relocation of aggressive/dangerous SO to a very small remote island of your choice (I suggest leaving them on a boat close to but not ON one of the Sentinel islands, IYKYK) for a small extra fee.

Just fucking divorce already. Why the hell do people keep posting such blatantly obvious shit on this sub like it's some horribly complex situation with a million factors to consider? He wants to fuck other women, then gets jealous when you're being railed by other dudes, there's no winning with this guy. He's a fucking moron for pulling all this in the first place, you should have divorced when he first said that he was no longer attracted to you. Best friends with perfect marriages don't tell their partner that they are too unattractive to fuck anymore, and that the only solution is to start fucking other people. Open relationships should only be pursued if it's something both partners want and are emotionally equipped to handle. Ideally, a poly relationship should be between two people who are already polyamorous before entering the relationship. When one person in a monogamous relationship suggests it to try and "fix" a marriage or "make it stronger", that relationship is doomed. Perhaps you're just now figuring this out.

This literally never works

Wow a decades long exclusive relationship turned open relationship doesn’t end up in a healthy manner shocker

Open marriages don't strengthen relationships. Say it again until actually sticks.

I have done much research about open marriage and the goal of it is to strengthen the existing relationship and this happened to us. I said no. He was very unhappy but I said that we can divorce if this didn’t work for him anymore because I have done everything in my power to save our marriage and I feel that I succeeded.

You can't possibly think that your marriage is stronger and that you've succeeded in saving your marriage, right?

Side note: it's hilarious that the agreement is that he can have sex with other women but not do any of the things that would cause women to want to have sex with him, but OP can get wined and dined before having sex with others. This marriage is over

ESH. Y'all fucked around and found out

Imagine that , people fucking other people doesn’t do anything good for a marriage. Who would have thought

YTA and so is he, absolutely disgusting. Why even still call it a marriage?

I spent most of my adult life in open relationships and polyamorous communities, and even though you two aren’t polyamorous because it’s just physical, I’ve still seen this happen more times than I can recall. We call it “relationship broken, add more people.” Basically, opening your relationship when the relationship is already broken never actually fixes things. All too often, when one partner finds success, the other gets jealous and demands they close the relationship again. Open relationships really only work when the original relationship is strong. NTA but your marriage is likely over.

Chalk one more into the 'I didn't mean an open marriage where YOU also got to screw around." Column

OOP is being pretty insightful in that her hubby is being reactionary and that nothing has really changed.

This kind of sounds like your husband got too comfortable in your relationship and assumed “the grass is greener” elsewhere, and has now realized it’s not.

Since you have been together so long, and your main objection to closing the relationship now is that he will go back to being too comfortable again, then maybe a compromise is in order a since that really should be the key component of any good marriage anyway. Once you explain your hesitation with closing, you could offer to close for a trial (6 months maybe) and then revisit. If he has gotten too comfortable in 6 months, or you realize you want something different, then you have options to either reopen or divorce.

I do think you hard stance on staying open and your reasoning may not be in sync and the real reason you want to stay open is because you are enjoying the attention from other men more than your husband. If that is the case- divorce him and let him move on.

Yeah sounds like he watched your hurt and spiral for the first year while he had a ball, and now two months ago, started having sex with others he wants to close it as he didn't think other men would find you desirable.

Personally, he sounds like a selfish AH, I would walk away. Or I would go to roommates mode and tell him we can live together, be friends, but your needs for everything else will be coming from others.

Fake.

It's not him having sex with other women that made you desirable sweetie. It's you having sex with other men. Competition made him realize your value to him. Whos to say he won't go right back to the way things were if he closes NTAH.

for the streets... both of you.

You're both terrible people, you deserve each other. Please don't divorce, stay off the market.

Never open it up kids. Moral of yet another of the same story

This is so fucking stupid Jesus Christ

NTA.

HE opened the marriage, HE has to deal with it.

My bet is he's unhappy that some other man / men are 'sullying' 'his' 'property' (that being you and your sexuality).

He rang the bell, he can't unring it. Your next relationship can be bell-less.

he said that he didn’t want this anymore

Lol, now that he's got his fix of fucking other women, you mean? Sounds like he's jealous that you also got and are still getting your fix of fucking other men and enjoying it. Without his input.

Problem is, once you open that gate, it's hard to shut it again. I know from personal experience when my ex wanted an open marriage, I got shit tons of dates, to date he still hasn't had any. But by the time he realised he wasn't catch of the day, I'd already caught feels for someone else and ended the marriage. I'm now very happily monogamous with my current husband of 11 years and have zero plans on changing anything (ex is still single!).

Fellas - be careful what you wish for! :)

This reminds me of the Beautiful South song, "A Little Time". Didn't quite work out as the husband intended...

I was an ah who did want to give him the same decency as my hypothetical future partner

Yeah, except your hypothetical partner hasn't asked to fuck other people....

NTA

This is so shocking and unexpected!

Someone who wants to open their marriage so they can go sleep with someone else, then goes surprise pikachu when they realize their spouse has started to enjoy it too?

Who could have foreseen such an uncanny turn of events?

NTA, but I would start working on my exit strategy because your hubs is a douche.

If I had a £ for every story I’d seen in Reddit of a guy freaking out when he realised an open relationship cuts both ways, I’d have several £s by now.

A reddit tale as old as time.

I love posts like this. Every time I read some bullshit ass story like this I put my phone down and go hug my wife.

Man, the fuck is wrong with yall? 😂

I mean this is just f**ked on every level.

The second you started to describe your boundaries you basically said you were exempt from the boundaries because you're a woman and not expected to pay?

You both took the easy route around accepting that your relationship was done a year ago and now it's going to bite you both on the ass.

If a monogamous relationship is what you both want then I would suggest a big dose of couples therapy.

Yes YTA, but so is he.

Best of luck with your divorce.

You're both assholes here. Y'all need to split because this isn't going to end well anyway.

It sounds like y'all just want a divorce lmao

Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy and then I read shit like this on Reddit and it’s a huge breath of fresh air.

Ok, so... fu for being able to go on dates and denying him that.

I knew this story was going to be a dumpster fire when you mentioned no one is allowed to spend money on new partners but that's okay for you because people just buy you stuff *rolls eyes*.

Just divorce. There are many mistakes here, but you're clearly enjoying the attention and free stuff, while making sure he can't use any of his resources on his partners. He's made plenty of mistakes too, opening it up then regretting it for one. So yeah, ESH.

Yes you are

Given he said what he said NTA but you probably should have chose divorce the moment he said he wasn't attracted to you,

So, yeah, you sound like an asshole who is trying to spite him now instead of just moving on.

So he cannot go on dates but she can? That’s fucked up. She is a total asshole.

ESH You are not in a marriage

You both are three reason people dread marriage. For the love of god please don’t date anyone else… the both of you. Stay single and keep the rest of us out of your drama.

Reddit has taught me very clearly that opening your marriage results in almost immediate divorce . This is NEVER the answer to your marriage issues .

The moment you open your relationship after being monogamous is the moment your ‘relationship’ has ended.

I don't have a judgement I'm just here to say I read the title really wrong and thought you wanted your next relationship to be with a mongoose.

Yall should just divorce already. Yall are notneven remotely on the same section of the library. Much less book.

What’s the point of being married if you are sharing each other?

I have done much research about open marriage and the goal of it is to strengthen the existing relationship and this happened to us

Yeah...not true. It hasn't strengthened your marriage at all. You were obviously hurt by what your husband wanted. You stayed at home and cried for MONTHS while he was fucking his gf. You only recently started fucking other men. Probably because you're done with him. You don't want monogamy with him because you don't want him anymore. But keep telling yourself having an open marriage strengthened your marriage 🙄. Just like how you told yourself you understood why he wanted to open the marriage. He sees this, he knows this and it's only a matter of time before you either divorce or become roommates. He has a gf ffs. You telling me he has never taken this girl to dinner or anything? They just meet at your apartment and bang 🙄. Open your eyes. This marriage is toast.

Everyone here sucks.

SIGH

They’ll never learn, will they?

There's a lot of relevant information she left out.....

Can we all pause to take note that he couldn’t spend money but she got to get dinner and hotels.

You said no relationships, but then you said that your husband has a gf? That doesn’t make any sense.

Yes

And you call him the spiteful one.

The projection here is super obvious.

YTA.

Yes

Damn, this person is a trainwreck.

It sounds like divorce is probably the most logical solution for you both.

Yes. Yes you are

I feel like you aren't telling the whole truth about why you don't want to go back to monogomy with him.

First of all, you're breaking the rules about no relationship type activities. Second, you could try going back to monogomy and if it doesn't work, then you could always reopen. But for some reason this doesn't seem like an option for you. I think you're lying to yourself.

You should have just divorced at the time and saved a wasted year.

"No dates, spending money on the women or taking them for vacations etc. all relationshipy things are just between us and he can meet people for casual sex. Same for me (although it is different since men do take me to dinners and hotels but I don’t pay".

This is total horseshit and a double standard.

Yall are both brain dead

Impossible to wrap my head around how fucking other people while in a relationship can lead to anything but turmoil and separation. Just the dumbest fucking idea.

NTA. My wife and I talked briefly about it early on, not because either of us wanted it but just as a discussion about boundaries in general and it was one we confirmed neither of us wanted. So, so many times this ruins relationships, mainly because the partner who thinks they want it realizes they really just wanted to cheat and get away with it. Good luck to you.

This situation sounds like something that you don’t want a bunch of most likely unqualified internet strangers to decide the outcome of…

Seek advice from professional council before you make any lasting decisions

Just get a divorce and move on with your lives.

Why is it that it’s always the men wanting to open the marriage…. RIGHT up until the point where the women recognize their own power as women with sexual agency and options. They don’t want an open marriage truly, they just want to be able to sleep around and not get caught. 😒😒😒

NTA, but get a divorce. You gave him what he wanted. You were not the one who wanted this. Now that you’re getting some enjoyment he’s suddenly not wanting it. And you ultimately want a monogamous relationship. But NOT with him.

Fries always look tastier on someone else’s plate even though they’re the same fries.

You were both in a rut, hubby wanted to feel desired and it worked when he was getting side action. When you started meeting up with someone it made him realise that you’re desirable and in his eyes it increased your value to him. You both could have had couples counselling but instead you both bought extra people into the marriage. You had rules but it’s stopped working.

Now your options are, continue with the open marriage and deal with resentment, close the marriage and deal with resentment and possibly a dead bedroom, couples counselling/individual counselling or separate.

You deserve better than what this situation is at the moment.

How was he not attacked to you and now all of the sudden you are everything he has ever wanted? He's messed up !! 🤦‍♀️

A "my husband wanted us to open our marriage and now he hates it" post? Is it Monday already?

NTA. He wanted his cake and eat it, too. Never believed there is someone out there for you. Now he sees you dating others, what a shock. And now he wants to close it. How often do we read this here? At least once a month...

Suggestion: why dont you guys try swinging? You can still be with other people, while being with eachother, its a 50/50 compromise, and would keep the relationship lit. You would go to the parties together, and make new friends and relationships together. Might be a further, natural step, to your current relationship.

You are not the ah, btw, i totally get you. I think that he is just a little confused, and perhaps you throwing the divorce as a first option in that talk (idk, just saying based on what you Said here) wasnt the best way to deal with it. But i think that, if you guys had the maturity to deal with an open marriage and it improved your marriage, you will be able to work this through. Explain your point to him, on how if you guys go back to the previous problem, it would go back to how it was, and that you wouldn't want an open relationship with other person at first, because you didn't developed the level of feeling and trust you have for him. Just a bit of miscommunication there.

That or he just wanted to fuck around, but you started to have more sex with other people than him, and that is pissing him off 😂

So you’ve been together since 15. Dude just fell for the FOMO trap and realized it ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. this is why we don’t marry our HS sweethearts folks

Sounds like he just wants you to be ok 5 him cheating...because before he knew other men were attracted to you he wasn't interested. It's like a little kid who has no interest in a toy until they see another kid playing with it. This is the relationship HE asked for the game HE wanted to play...even went so far as to make up the rules for his game. Now that he isn't winning the game he doesn’t want to play anymore.

Wow another open marriage not working

How original

As per usual, the second people open a relationship it ends in divorce. Honestly you should've just had an amicable divorce the moment he said he cared about you but wasn't attracted to you anymore. I mean he didn't want to have sex with you but was happy at the idea of jumping into bed with someone else. That's no good. It hurt you. And the moment you found a way to deal with it then he's like nope he wants you so to himself again. That's not healthy. He gets to call the shots of when you get to step out and when you don't.

Damn swinging would have been a boon for you guys. Maybe take a breather and try to meet other couples. It’s super hot and really gets the fire going again. The one thing we will never be to our SO again is new. Sometimes new helps everything else. And you do it together.

I swear to god every SINGLE couple that “opens up” a formerly monogamous marriage crashes and burns. You gave him what he wanted, he saw YOU having success with it and now wants to shut it down. THATS what happened. Ya’ll need either therapy or a divorce.

He needed a few flings to rekindle/realize that what he has at home is better than anything else that can be offered. This sparked a new attraction for you, and being with other women is no longer fulfilling.

This seems to happen quite frequently, and also seems to work out long term if both partners will it to.

I will not say who is an asshole, because that is unnecessary and I’ve no right to judge. Just end the extramarital relations, you both need therapy, lust only tears down people; the pleasure is a mask.

Man yall are dysfunctional. Get counseling

for the streets... both of you.

Both of you are assholes, just split and get it overwith

I knew when I read this line YTA

“Same for me (although it is different since men do take me to dinners and hotels but I don’t pay).”

As for the relationship stuff you two are a freaking mess. But a big reason why is you don’t care much about your husband and you don’t want to change that at all.

This is a bit of a side question, but your husband isn't allowed to spend any money on the women basically, but it's completely acceptable that the men take you on dates and spend money on you?

Aside from the other obvious bits that everyone is pointing out. I can't see how this additional tidbit couldn't end up with total happiness from your (soon to be ex) hubby.

Yes, you are the asshole