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AITAH for not wanting to go to my sister's wedding because she's getting married on my birthday?
That was sweet of your friends! The sister could do a custom drink in his honor, sing happy birthday, gotten him a cake, so many things! Sad they're not making it a priority.
They told me before everyone else because it was the only date he would be home from deployment that the venue they wanted was available.
I feel like this is so much different, you can't change a deployment date
You also only celebrate a 21st once in a lifetime and now that it is her anniversary she will never celebrate your birthday with you again, unless she gets divorced. My sister had her daughters baptism on my 25th birthday, even though her birthday 3 days later was on a holiday. She also got pregnant 3months after me for each of my children. A theme that ran most of our lives, when it was my 13th it was her 18th guess who got the party on my birthday. I was allowed to have 5 guests in the afternoon for 2 hrs before her party began. When it was my 16th it was her 21st guess who got the party. I moved out before her party. And with her wedding booked a year before, you couldn't even plan a party, because all the family would be at her wedding.
To everyone giving the negative and calling him selfish did you read the post, this was the date her fiancée suggested they hadn't booked anything, he didn't get upset with her at all. Just said he will not attend, the same answer he has given her every time she asked for a year, and now she is asking her parents to make him come. Let's face it , his sister assumed he would change his answer. So she never suggested to her groom to pick a different date, because they had the whole summer to pick from and he choose that date so as not to interfere with his family's holidays.
Also, he told her one year away. She could have picked June 8 or May 25 if she wanted it on a Saturday and when kids have holiday.
Can't have made 25th that's my birthday lol
Mine isn't the 25th, but that is the day I'm celebrating with friends. Sorry, please change your birthday.
I’m with you. The only way I would have done this to any family member is if I had absolutely no other options. And if that was the case I would have been sitting them down and explaining my issues, asking for their input in solving them, and telling them that we planned to have a 21st birthday toast and celebrate the birthday too in the best ways we could think of together (special time set aside for that too, a birthday cake as well as a wedding cake, a special announcement/dance etc). OP you are NTA. Getting married doesn’t give you rights to railroad everyone you care about and IF you really cared about someone you would just wipe those dates off the board in the first place!
Any day would be a good day to celebrate her wedding. From that day on, it will always be her anniversary; their marriage will last for more than just one day.
Also to add, you said his birthday will now become her anniversary and she will “never celebrate his birthday again, unless she gets divorced.” But she still won’t celebrate his birthday if that happens because it will remind her of her failed marriage.
You technically only celebrate every age once in a lifetime, technically you’ll only ever experience this current moment in time once.
21 is special and she must have known it was his birthday being.... You know... A sibling. They could have moved the wedding back a week with no issues. Honestly OP I would be so upset if I were you. I think you have been very mature about the whole subject. NTA
21 is only special in the States for people who want to get smashed legally for the first time (after they most likely got smashed illegally numerous times before)
For people not looking forward to getting drunk, the 21st birthday holds absolutely no special status
I’m British, we can drink way before 21 but it’s still a huge coming of age birthday, far more than 18 traditionally
That's actually not true. I don't drink, entirely by choice. I still had a large birthday party, with relatives. Turning 21 implies you've become a REAL grown up. At least it does in my culture. That's like saying people shouldn't be bothered about a Quinceañera, because a 15th birthday isn't important to anyone apart from the Mexican culture. People don't just celebrate their 21st to get smashed. If OP would like hus own birthday to be about him, then he has that right.
In Ireland we tend to celebrate peoples 21st as a big birthday as well
21sts are celebrated in New Zealand and Australia
It’s not just that. Places have laws for different ages. Some don’t drive until 18, doesn’t make it less special.
Not true, 21 is a big one in other countries where you can drink at 18.
From New Zealand. 21st are a big thing here.
Indeed, some do 18 as the big one, some do 21, some never bother with any of it.
I am in Southern African and 21st means being given a literal/sometimes a symbolic key as a rite of passage to adulthood. It is a very important event in every child’s life as it represents your parents being proud of your achievements and granting you freedom and independency that comes with your increased age. The whole thing is VERY important with entire parties themed for the day, the birthday girl/boy dressed to the nines, huge ass cakes and a lot of photoshoots done before the day and on the day. 21st holds a really big status for us here and few would be as mature as this young man had their sister done the same.
She could literally choose 2nd of June. I doubt everyone would be magically back to school by then
Oof, I feel for you on the selfish sister front. It really sucks to be siblings with someone who wants to outshine you at every turn. Hopefully, OP’s sister just didn’t think it through and had no malicious intent. My sister made it her job in life to try and steal my spotlight at every turn or at least to share it. Even as a 5 year old, she was 4 and threw a tantrum because she wanted gifts too. From that year forward she got presents at all my birthdays and had to sit next to me while my friends and family sang happy birthday, or else there would be hell to pay with either a tantrum, or her favorite , “you don’t love me because I’m adopted!”Or “why aren’t there as many baby pics of me as (other siblings and I)”. I keep my interactions with her at a bare minimum now.
As a parent I’d have reminded my daughter that it was her brother’s 21st that day and to tell her fiancé that. Why that date out of all the rest of the school holiday weeks. They clearly don’t give a shit. NTA
Sister sounds like a desperate pick me, who didn't think fiance would go along with a new date since he picked that one.
NTA. 21 is a milestone so it’s totally reasonable you would want to celebrate on the day of, with your friends and not at a wedding. There are also only a certain number of Saturdays that may have been available to her, and June is a really popular wedding month so it’s reasonable she didn’t black out your birthday as a potential wedding date, or change it, if that’s one of the few times his family could get there. She now just needs to put aside her disappointment and try to be understanding of your POV, and not act surprised since you clearly told her.
And i love sis's answer of celebrating on friday. How are you supposed to go out and celebrate THE DAY BEFORE?? Your not old enough to drink yet so no celebration. Its his 21st. Nowhere in america can you legally drink in a bar or club a day before you turn 21................without a fake id.
21 in only a milestone if you are in the US. I am 24 and it doesn’t mean anything in Brazil. I am powerless.
21 is a milestone birthday in Australia, even though we can legally drink at 18. It's more a "you're an adult now" type of celebration.
Opposite in the United States. You're an adult at 18, but can't legally drink or smoke (Ohio) til you're 21.
It's a milestone in Ireland too. But for grown ups, it's celebrated when everyone's available and a party is had. It's also meaningless as soon as you hit like 24/25 lol 😆
And england
Means nothing in Germany, 18 is a big deal here.
Yeah, you’re allowed to drive and have adult rights but some youth protection in law cases and people give you so much slack. 18-21 is the best time ever!
This isnt true at all. Many cultures celebrate 21st birthdays - Regardless it doesn’t matter where they are from. It’s their birthday. Ops sister has hundreds of other days to choose from. She doesn’t need to hijack her siblings birthday.
Not true. I have no idea why, but it’s special in the U.K. too. Probably because that’s when being an adult really begins. At 18 you’re legally an adult, but by 21 you’re finishing University and ready to really be an adult.
No, it’s also a milestone in UK and much of mainland Europe
Where I live you’re fully an adult at 21, including losing the financial support you can get from parents until then.
Just because it’s not a milestone in your country or even in your family doesn’t mean it’s frivolous in OP’s situation; you shouldn’t judge him. And after reading just a few of the comments it sounds as if there are many countries where the 21st birthday is a significant milestone.
It also doesn't mean much if you are in the US. When I turned 21? Cool I can legally drink now. Drinking isn't so amazing that I had to run outside and get SLOSHED on my birthday. My birthdays are a meal out with the folks. Drinking with my buds can happen anytime.
I was going to say that. I am Colombian and the milestones are 15 for girls and 18 for everybody. Also, we very often celebrate the closest weekend or holiday because work/school is a bitch. Besides, you can party and get drunk any day, even way before the aforementioned 18th birthday.
I understand that it's not funny that they didn't even factor that when they chose the wedding, but I still don't see why it is such a tragedy
Well if he is in the USA he cannot drink before he turns 21 so if he is wanting to do that I get why he’s wanting to do it on a Saturday because Sunday is not really a day people go out and party in the USA either so I get why he wants Saturday.
My sister did the same… her reasoning was that it’s because it was the only date available after thanksgiving and before Christmas (she chose Dic 3rd)… I must clarify both our family and the grooms family are Mexican SO WE DONT CELEBRATE THANKSGIVING… She also went as far as telling me to please be mindful that the day was gonna be about her… of course I didn’t went… we haven’t spoken in two years and I don’t really care if we ever do… 365 days in a year and she HAD to choose that date… so… NTA
NTA. If you can celebrate your birthday on Friday so easily, she can get married on Friday just as easily.
You didn't pick the date of your birth, she picked the date of her wedding and purposefully keeps in conflict with your birthday.
Edit to add: this just occurred to me Op, if she gets married on your birthday, you'll likely never have a legit birthday ever again(at least not from her). It will be her wedding anniversary. If she does this, your day is wiped off the calendar until her divorce.
Also double NTA because if you go, people may be tempted to wish you happy birthday in the middle of her big day which your sister sound crazy enough to get pissy about. So its either poke bridezilla with a stick or be outright ignored. I'd rather not go because both options suck.
NTA you gave her plenty of notice! Why couldn’t she have moved it one day?? Why do YOU have to celebrate your 21st birthday a different day! They are very very selfish! Enjoy your birthday.
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16d
I was almost surprised that I DIDN'T suggest your birthday moved (in my other comment) but it occurred to me that your SISTER KNOWS when your birthday is (I presume, anyway)! Ans she somehow picked that ONE DAY out of ~60 (at least) to fit into the "summer". When you said that your 21st birthday was important to you, she basically responded with "Fuck you, I'm more important," then getting mad when you don't like that. It's also (as mentioned by so many others) DEFINITELY a "Fuck you" to establish your birthday as their anniversary until someone cheats and they divorce bitterly. THEN, she'll loudly and boisterous tell everybody how much this date brings her sorrow and pain EVERY BIRTHDAY SHE ATTENDS. She is clearly telling you that you must defer to her forevermore.
Fuck that bitch.
My kids know each others birthdays better than their father does.
You are not my mom, are you?
You might be surprised to know that when you become an adult you don't have to spend your birthday with your brothers and sisters.
Not surprised at all. But going forward, sister is setting up a potential conflict for anybody who DOES still like their family EVERY YEAR.
When YOU get married, have it on HER birthday ultimate payback!!
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16d
You don't have to do it, just say that you are and see her reaction, if she gets upset then you can tell her unlike her you wouldn't really do something like that.
Invite all your friends to the wedding and celebrate on her dime.. (petty me talking) 🤩
I wouldn’t go because turning 21 is a big deal, and you should definitely celebrate it. Your family loves you and will get over it because they’ll realize how important it was to you later down the line, as you stick with your decision….BUT it would be perfect as you celebrate your birthday always then and eventually you get to celebrate your sister’s birthday as your anniversary. You’ll have you’re own lives on those days and that’s fine!
And try to make it a milestone birthday that she cares about. Some people make turning 30 a big deal and have a big party planned for it.
Or you could do it on your own birthday/her anniversary during a milestone anniversary. 🤷🏼♀️
Exactly! You can’t change the day you were born; she can always pick another day to get married. NTA
She is selfish! My mum went to a wedding on my birthday when I was younger and even now it pisses me off!! That wasn’t even a family member!! You do you and celebrate with your friends, she obviously doesn’t care about how you feel or she would have made sure you was fine with the day before she booked it!!
Same thing with me on my 15 birthday and Im still mad at my parents for that. Heck it was in another City so I didnt see them the day before and after my birthday.
Well, weddings are (hopefully) a one-time thing, but Hello, so is your 21st birthday 🎂 ! And your sister's being totally illogical because she had 364 other days to choose from, and she chose your birthday??? It's not as if you can change your birthday! NTA, and have a great birthday 🥳
As others have said, you didn't get to choose when you were born but she got to choose the wedding day
Because a wedding is far far harder to plan , you have to line up dates that work for many many people and take ome of the limited dates you can get since other people also want to get married in the same locations and with the same celebrants ect..
Yes, you can celebrate your bday another day a birthday is no big deal you are turning 21 grow up
It’s really not that hard to plan. There’s hundreds of other days that could work. Many still within summer time that would work. Ops sister knows their birthday. Knew this was a big birthday for them and had a year to change the wedding date once it was explained they won’t go if it’s on their birthday. Sister is being selfish and hijacking their siblings birthday not just this year but every year to come.
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15d
You don't need to plan a wedding tho, elopement is an option.
There is an epic level of pettiness that OP could employ in this situation. Go to the wedding but then have his friends crash the reception bringing a cake and a keg. Bribe the band to play Happy Birthday. Give a speech thanking the sister for bringing everyone together to celebrate his birthday.
Why couldn’t she have moved it one day??
Because June 1st is a Saturday and that's the best day for such a party.
On Friday many people will have to work, so they either need to take a day off, or they can only join after their workday has ended. On Sunday, a lot of people will leave early because of work the next day and some people might not attend for religious reasons.
She could have moved it a week later!! I bet she knows when her brothers birthday is but just didn’t care because it actually sound a likes she’s the golden child! My wedding will be on YOUR birthday and YOU will attend! Get real… she is the one driving this wedge! I hope op sticks to his guns and doesn’t attend!!
Is the venue available then? Are there no other major celebrations then? Is the fiancé's family able to travel that weekend?
I mean, there's never a perfect day. If you invite 100 people, there's like a 1/3 chance that it's someone's birthday. So you always have to make decisions.
Now you are just being silly about things!! She had to make sure it was in the summer holidays im sure there are plenty of other dates she could have chosen but didn’t! She chose her siblings 21st birthday! A selfish choice. She made her decision but doesn’t like the consequence of it! 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️ oh well let her cry!!
im sure there are plenty of other dates she could have chosen but didn’t!
That's a pretty big assumption.
June 8th is also a Saturday. Same for June 15th, 22nd and 29th. So out of 5 Saturdays in June, it has to be her brother’s 21st birthday?
I don’t blame the future BIL because he probably doesn’t know it’s OP’s birthday. BUT there’s nobody in the whole family say something, “Wait, I need to plan something for his 21st birthday. Why not you move your wedding to the following Saturday?”
NAH, OP. I wish you a very happy birthday. Enjoy your big day. Just stay safe ☺️
Yes, just move the wedding. Easy peasy lemon squeazy. I'm sure the venue, and the band and the guests and everyone has the next weekend completely free, just in case.
/s
Not now!!
She could have done that a year ago.
Nta. At all.
Do your thing. An invitation is just that, not a summons.
21 is a massive milestone that's being ignored.
All the people saying to go out after the wedding... What kind of weddings do you go to? The ones I've been to LAST ALL DAY AND NIGHT.
My own ended at 4am.
Why choose a date, when you KNOW that someone else in the family has a birthday, the year has 365 days!
NTA
I think either she really did not care that it was his birthday, was so absent minded about his birthday, thought mummy and daddy would force her brother to her wedding regardless, or the soon to be BIL doesn’t like OP and chose that date out of spite.
My uncle has this weird hatred towards my mum and always threatened to get married on my mum’s birthday for years. He managed to finally get married on her 16th birthday. Now my grandparents have to choose if they should do a celebration for my mum’s birthday or my uncle and aunt’s wedding anniversary and have done since my mum’s 17th birthday.
Luckily there hasn’t been a match up of big milestones that clashed but they still have to choose one or the other at times.
There wasn't ANY DAY A LITTLE BEFORE OR A LITTLE AFTER your birthday that could have assured that the "kids were out of school?" She absolutely every right to pick any day she wants for her wedding. But if it is important to HER that you attend, then SHE needs to be flexible; you told her long, long ago that you WOULD NOT attend a wedding on your birthday. If you were important to her, she could have moved the wedding a day or two.
This is what's baffling me, especially how many people are mad at OP. Like if she wanted him to attend she should have listened MONTHS ago the first time he told her. OR better yet...
Remember that this has been his birthday literally his entire life (obviously) and as soon as the groom suggested that date shut it down. Why would you agree to get married on your siblings birthday?! Especially one you apparently want to attend?? It sounds extremely conceited and self absorbed to me.
That is why I am confused I mean what sort of HUGE whack job do you need to do to plan your wedding on your siblings birthday! I mean those birthdays I remember well lol
Especially a big one like his 21st birthday.
NTA - you didn’t get to choose the day you were born. Your sister is being stubborn and because of her selfish decision, her wedding will always have a dark cloud hanging over it.
Let her learn this lesson on her own. The world doesn’t revolve around her.
Nta.
Your sister knows your birthday. The second her fiancée suggested the date - “nope can’t do it that’s my sisters birthday” is all that should have been said. They aren’t just robbing you of your 21st birthday, your birthday will now be about them.
If you don’t want to go to a wedding for any reason that’s your choice and it should be respected. How no one in your family is putting together how unfair it is to you to be overshadowed by your own sister on a day that is supposed to celebrate you, makes me sad. You deserve to have a day for you just like everyone else does. They have 364 other days to choose from they could have figured it out.
Happy early birthday!! I hope whatever you plan to do - you have a blast!
Clearly, the daughter is the golden child if the parents agreed to this.
NTA This is almost as bad as my sister scheduling her c-section on my birthday. She was due in early October but didn’t want to gain too much weight so she chose to have the baby out earlier, in late September. She made it seem like I should be honored or something but all I thought was that she was trying to hijack my birthday. The same way she did since we were little kids and she demanded gifts on my birthday, every single year. That just how she is.
In the end, she rescheduled for the Friday before my birthday (on a Monday), because she said it would be easier and she’d have the weekend to settle in, or some bs. I don’t buy that for a second, but I’m just happy she didn’t end up doing it, whatever the real reason was.
PS. Her c-section wasn’t medically necessary. According to her, she didn’t want to give birth naturally, so as not to “Stretch out” her vagina. Hopefully, OP’s sister’s intentions aren’t as malicious as my sister’s.
I'm very shocked any reputable doctor would be okay with and perform that c.
All these people attacking you over this and I'm like ... Why couldn't it have been the 2nd? Or the end this month? Or any other date that works well for his family??
Why did it HAVE to SPECIFICALLY be his birthday?? That's just odd to me NTA like OP even says they have known for months now and could have changed it at any point. They chose not to, and OP has the right to choose not to go.
Yeah I’m normally not a proponent of people making a fuss over wedding days, but a sibling explicitly choosing to make it on their sibling’s birthday is just a dick move. If it was any further out in the family (meaning a cousin), then I’d give them a pass. But a sibling? Come on, they’re just doing it to be an ass
Yes!! Because now and forever she’ll be “it’s my anniversary! Who cares about your birthday.” This was done 💯 for selfish reasons.
I agree they could have changed the date (assuming they didn’t make deposits or book things prior to remembering her brother’s bday). But a lot of people don’t want to get married on any day other than Saturday, which might limit their options (family being able to travel, venue availability, avoiding holidays etc).
NTA in my culture as well as others the 21st birthday is a big deal. Regardless if it's your culture or not it's your birthday you are allowed to be selfish and do whatever you want on the one day. She knew how you felt, the world does not begin and end with her wedding. I just hope you make it a great one.
Ntah she’s ignorant.you had already set expectations that you wouldn’t be there and she still decided to have her wedding on your birthday . Plus instead of getting mad each time she could’ve just asked nicely for you to make an exception
NTA assuming you are in the US turning 21 is a big deal. It’s the day you are legally able to drink!! But even if you weren’t turning 21 it’s still pretty shitty of her to have her wedding on your birthday. Like they could have change the date to either the weekend before or weekend after. I don’t blame you for not wanting to celebrate your birthday at her wedding and as you pointed out in the future she’ll be celebrating her anniversary.
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16d
NTA. I still don't get why your bday? Like how isn't the rest of your family realizing her anniversary is your bday? How can she be this selfish?
NTA
NTA because she and now your parents keep pushing the issue. Had she planned the wedding and accepted you wouldn’t be attending I would’ve said N A H, because let’s face it the first Saturday in June is a prime wedding slot.
NTA
Not entirely the same but an older cousin of mine was choosing between November 11th and November 18th (my birthday) for their wedding back when I would’ve turned 18. It’s been almost 20 years since this happened.
When my parents told me the possible dates I said have fun I won’t be going if it’s on my birthday. My mom got upset that I’d miss cousin’s wedding. I told her I only turn 18 once. This is cousin’s second wedding and none of you even like his fiancee so 🤷🏻♀️. They ended up going with the 11th.
Do whatever you plan to do for your birthday. If your sister really wanted you there she would’ve gone with the next possible Saturday for her wedding during summer.
NTA. You made your stance very clear from day one. Your sister still went ahead with finalizing the wedding date on your birthday. No need to be nice to people who don't show any consideration towards you. Enjoy your birthday in a grand style.
NTA and to avoid all the pressure I would with my friends book a weekend away for your celebration or a holiday abroad if you can afford it. I would never have done that to either of my brothers- I would have booked another day. Most especially since it’s your 21st. Your sister is only going on about it cause she feels guilty and if you accept and go then she gets forgiveness for being a shit sister.
NTA I think it was the sister that chose that day, as a power move to show that she is more important than op, by taking his birthday from him. And I'm also getting "golden child" vibes by her getting the parents to back her up.
Op you should ask your bother in law in secret if he really chose that day.
NTA I can't imagine specifically choosing to get married on my sibling's birthday. Just...a weird choice. Real golden child vibes.
Oh man it’s your 21st. That’s not just any birthday. The next special one is your 30th. Well she asked if you would go and you answered with no. So she should really drop it.
NTA
A few sad people in the comments seem to have decorum poisoning—“your sister picked this date so you’re stuck; you’d be a bad brother for saying no.” Sister could have chosen any other date. Sister could have gone to OP and begged if no other date worked. She’d be taking away something that he considered special and offering an inferior substitute; that’s on her.
As written, sister AT BEST didn’t notice or care that she was conflicting with her brother’s milestone birthday before she chose the day…and there’s a very good chance she did it deliberately for some messed-up reason. Brother has every right and every reason to say no; estranging himself from the family might not be a bad thing.
How fucking inconsiderate of your sister. So that means her wedding anniversary is going to fall on your birthday every single year as well. It's your 21st birthday which is a big deal and they're doing nothing to celebrate it and just expect you to attend her wedding. Nah, stick to your guns. You're not an after thought.
Does you sister have no back bone or does she really not care about you? I would never ever dream about booking any lifelong event on a close family's day... What is wrong with her. June 1st should have been vetoed immediately.
Totally agree. I feel like OP’s sister has no backbone and simply went with what her fiancé suggested… She seems too afraid to cause a conflict with him and in so doing throws her brother under the bus. She and OP’s soon-to-be brother in law could have moved it to 2 June for example.
I also think the fiancé should be more understanding.
She us dumb, she will never be able to be with you on your birthdays, why? Cuz she will be freakin celebrating her anniversary and even if she comes it will be about her not u, never invite he rand celebrate with your friends
My brother is never with me on my birthday. My middle son happened to be born on my brother’s birthday so my son took priority over my brother.
Do we care? No. It’s not that serious.
NTA that was a shitty thing your sisters husband to be did. There's no way he didn't know it would fall on your birthday. He's already alienating her from members of her family.
NTA it is her wedding to do with what she wants in the same way it is your 21st birthday to celebrate as you wish. I am surprised your parents did not want to do something special for you for your 21st.
I am surprised and would be surprised if someone in my friends or family scheduled something like a wedding on somebody birthday. She knows your birthday and that is was 21st when she planned it a year ago yes?
The only birthday you should book your wedding on is your own.
Damn dude, you've been given a gift here and you don't even realize it. One, you can get sloshed at the wedding for free. Two, you can skip out after a while and enjoy other plans. Three, you have a built-in lifelong memory. Unless there's some history or rivalry with your sister that you're not sharing, you have nothing to complain about here.
This whole post reads like a tantrum. A short-sighted, self-defeating, selfish tantrum.
Doesn’t sound like OP wants to get slosh on their 21st sounds like they want a memorable day spending it with people who care about them, not sliding it in as an afterthought to their sibling big day.
A lifelong memory is what he doesn't want lol did you read the post? You're offering it as a perk after he clearly stated he didn't want it.
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16d
UpdateMe
If I was you, I would go to the ceremony and then go get ready to go out with my mates to party. This is your sister fault as you told her a year ago you RSVP NO. That should stop your family form having ago and then you can just make them feel guilty about it as it’s your 21st and you had plans all day and all people cared about was your sister’s wedding. Make sure you use I only turn 21 once and it’s a special birthday and if your sister did something special on her 21st remind everyone of it too
Wow. That got deleted fast!
Double down. If you get married do it on your birthday. Then every wedding anniversary is yours too, AND your birthday.
NTA tell her you’ll come to her next wedding as long as it’s not on you birthday 🥳
NTA, Your sister deliberately chose that date when it's your birthday don't go and stand you're ground.
Nothing magical actually happens on your 21st birthday. I think you will regret not going to your sister’s wedding. I have been to a LOT of 21st birthday’s. I don’t remember any, including my own. I do, however, remember all my siblings weddings.
You mean the day that will always be known going forward as his sisters anniversary? That day?
My petty, uncaffinated, grouchy, just out of bed arse suggests this:
With divorce rates over 55% in the Western World a wedding isn't a once in a liftetime thing anymore. Tell her you'll try to make time for the next one.
That gotta hurt!
Zing!
Wedding in the AM? Drinking in the PM? Would that work?
NTA, if I actually care about my birthday best believe I’m not going to a wedding, definitely when I’m turning 21. So went that being said, tell your parents that you only turning 21 once and that is more important than your sister wedding and end the conversation there, if anyone bring it up walk away, hang up, or don’t answer their text.
Gosh damn, I was initially gonna go YTA since I was of similar opinion as your parents, but you also mentioned the perspective that your birthday will most certainly never get celebrated ever again by her because it would be their anniversary.
That alone makes you NTA. That totally sucks.
Though I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, if you care about her (I dunno if this selfishness of hers is one time, but it's upto you), show up, give her a hug, and then disappear to your birthday party.
That way, she cannot crib that you didn't show up, and every guest will probably get to know why you did it :P
Edit: Also, Happy Birthday in advance, OP!
NTA. While I'd probably side with your parents and sister, your birthday is quite important to you and you seem to have communicated that various times. So it's really on them.
nta. your sister is though. she’s pretty fn presumptuous. .
Nta
Enjoy your birthday and your sister (and her monkeys) can kick rocks.
NTA - June 8th, 15th, 22nd and 29th are also Saturdays when kids are out of school!. Stay strong don't go and go celebrate you! 😊
YTA. This is ridiculous, what, 21st birthday is a milestone? Just because one can now drink alcohol???? That's the reason why brother will be skipping his sister's wedding? Because he wants to celebrate the fact that he now can drink alcohol legally? That is so ridiculous and stupid.
He'll also never celebrate his birthday with his sister again because to her it'll always be her wedding anniversary and that'll always take precedent.
She could celebrate her wedding on any day. It will forever be her anniversary from that day forward it’s not just one day going forward it’s as long as their married
Nta
NTA and a wishing you an awesome 21st birthday! Block everyone who might ruin your day and just have fun.
Out of curiosity, does the Groom’s family happen to be intellectually challenged? Wondering if 6/1 was the only available date between end of regular school year and beginning of summer school. Those kids might be kinda dim-witted ya know, and need the extra schoolin’. 😈
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15d
My sarcasm doesn’t always play well in Reddit.
About the blocking folks, though, make sure you start that no later than Friday morning so Rehearsal dinner attendees don’t start up with you!
NTA she could’ve told her fiancé that it was your birthday and an important one this year for you plus your birthday would always clash on her anniversary and any celebrations you plan in the future because obviously you share family and plan for it the following week etc while the children were still in school vacation… Is there some sibling rivalry on her part as not many people would pick close loved ones (parents/siblings/offspring) birthdays for a wedding if they want them there or care about them.
You were very clear of the consequence of her getting married on your birthday which was you wouldn’t be there, you didn’t have a tantrum or cause a fuss so her reaction is unreasonable. Your parents are undervaluing you and being unreasonable by what they’re saying; that sister is right that you should give up your want for your sisters want(when it was easily avoidable by not agreeing to getting married on your birthday if she cared about you being there over fiancés extended family/friends- that may be essentially strangers to her), your sisters wedding party is more important because you have a birthday every year…
Life is precious- days, weeks, months and years not promised, you only have one opportunity at it and unfortunately very short. You only turn 21 once, most hope the same for marriage but the reality is that some marriages fail or they loose their loved ones and move on. Your sister may get married more then once in her lifetime- no one knows what the future holds (divorce, death, vow renewals on anniversary etc).
Celebrate, live and enjoy your life as you please while you can (as long as you’re not hurting anyone or taking away others choices) without guilt, many haven’t lived to see 16, 18, 21, 30, 40 or 50+ and when life changes with adult commitment like work, children etc you don’t often get to do or celebrate as you wish with the people you want. Celebrating each milestone and year you’ve been blessed to live is important and I hope you have a great time on your birthday.
My sister got married on my 18th birthday. We still very much love each other.
I feel like there was already animosity brewing between these two, however. I didn't hold on so tightly to the mistake on my sister's part, and she celebrated me at the wedding.
NTA. Your sister has had 20 years to remember your birthday date.
NTA. your birthday is one day out of 365, she could have picked a different one and made it work. Not only are they expecting you to sacrifice celebrating your 21st birthday in a way you’ll enjoy, I suspect that every year your family birthday party will have to be juggled around to accommodate her anniversary.
Look at the silver lining, for the rest of your life, you can be as petty as you want on your birthday. Just throw a big party every year and invite everyone but her and her husband. If she complains just tell her you don't want to ruin their anniversary.
Other than the 50th, anniversaries are usually private romantic affairs unlike birthdays that can be very large parties if you want.
Happy birthday when it comes!
One thing I don't understand... why didn't your parents say anything to her about changing dates?
If fiance chose the date, why didn't your parents say to him it's your birthday he needs to move the date?
I get birthdays can be moved, etc, but honestly, why should it be moved? To me, that is a clear sign. you're an afterthought. The day of your birthday should NEVER have been on the table to begin with, especially with it being your 21st!! Your parents should have stood up for you and fought for you.
I would never allow one of my children to get married on the others birthday UNLESS the birthday child explicitly said they wanted that.
Your NTA but your sister and parents are!
When fiancé suggested the date, a good sister would have said “oh that’s my brother’s 21st birthday, can we schedule it for the following week?” NTA. You politely declined and explained why.
You can catch her next wedding cause sounds lik she's gonna have at least two
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16d
lol all these people here commenting that your TA I highly disagree. If anything it’s NAH. You really can’t celebrate your birthday a day before or after? I mean it’s your sisters wedding, I highly doubt that they were even thinking of you when they set the date. Clearly all these people commenting have no idea how much work is put into wedding planning, it’s not just about “picking a day”. Saturday is the best day for a wedding, mostly because people have to travel for it. And wedding venues are booked months and months in advance. So it’s not like she could just “pick a different day”. Be upset about it all you want but at the end of the day she is having one wedding. You’re really not going to go because you’re that upset she didn’t consider you for her wedding? Get a grip dude and celebrate your sister. I know I wouldn’t want to miss a day like that for my sister, but I actually love her so there’s also that.
NTA not understanding why people are mad at you I wouldn’t want to spend my 21st at a wedding either. Did she even offer to have a moment or a separate cake for you at the wedding?
You are immature and ignorant.
1: Future anniversaries won't matter, you don't really throw a huge party every year for anniversaries.
2: She offered alternatives, 1 you rejected because you work, could you take the day off? The second you rejected because you won't celebrate your birthday on a Sunday? What about the years your birthday naturally falls on a Sunday, do you just skip it?
Your sister gave you valid reasons why the wedding is planned when it is, offered alternatives because she cares about your happiness and you refuse to budge. Enjoy your party.
One of the alternatives the sister offered is invalid because legally he wouldn’t be able to drink on the Friday before his birthday.
There’s a whole summer to make sure his family with school aged children could attend and he gave months notice that they could’ve changed the date. Though by some of the comments it sounds like they hadn’t booked anything yet. If SHE wanted OP there so badly she would’ve changed dates 🤷🏻♀️.
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16d
Won't be much of a celebration for you either way as your entire family is at a Wedding. Does it really matter that much what night you go gvet drunk with friends?
And he could easily go to the ceremony and then leave to celebrate... why one or the other??
But this thread is full of children... why not another date. Uuuuh I don't know, let's see: - later in summer, flights are much more expensive - venues only have certain days free - all the others caterers/photographers etc ALSO have set availabilities - there are people who will have unskippable serious commitments (e.g. medical)
I have no idea what it is with Reddit and bdays, I don't know anyone who always celebrated "on the day of". Even young kids get a party on the closest weekend where I live?
Would it be wrong for me to say to all of the people that attacked op, You're The Idiot!
21 is a major milestone. Most people want to celebrate with friends and/or family. In op's case, family is out. He can still party his ass off with friends, though, as is his right of passage. Or he can sit on his couch and veg out if he wants to. It's HIS 21st birthday.
His sister is 5 years older, so she should have known his birthday when her husband suggested it. She should have shut that down as soon as he said it. She didn't, she needs to deal with the consequences of her actions.
From here on out, as long as her marriage lasts, her anniversary and brothers birthday will conflict when it comes to celebrations for the family. That's just screwed up, no matter how you look at it!
Weddings are a lot harder to plan than a birthday. Yes, it is understandable when you have to organise dozens if not a hundred or so people.
The older you get more you realise birthdays are not a big deal yes even a 21st and you will probably regret not attending as you get older and mature.. you can easily do something for your birthday another day.
Weddings are a lot harder to plan than a birthday.
Boo hoo....yet OP has had a birthday on the same day every year for 20 years.....
The older you get more you realise
That when you don't matter to people things like your birthday means absolutely nothing to them and will plan things in important days like your birthday then have a tantrum when you day your birthday matter more.
Going against the grain - you dont own the date. Often venues book up, and there arent actually that many possibilities of you look for a particular part of the Year, dat of the week, and school holidays
Incredible that a whole family can only fly out on one specific day for the whole year.
NTA.
NTA. She knew it was your 21st birthday, when she decided the date for her wedding, She could have chosen any other day in June. It's her own fault you wont be attending.
NTA. I’d refuse to go on principle. She knew it was your 21st birthday, and unlike you she had completely control over when the wedding was. Having it on your siblings birthday is a shit thing to do. Having it on their 21st birthday is way shittier.
She must be the GC. NTA leave the country and enjoy your 21st
NTA. She had 21 years notice this would be your 21st birthday. Not your fault she didn't take pre-existing plans into account.
NTA. Your 30th will land on their 10th wedding anniversary, your 50th will land on their 30th wedding anniversary - your milestone birthdays now clash with theirs and judging by your family's reaction, they'll be expecting you to be flexible. She didn't even fucking ask you. Just did it and said fuck it OP needs to deal with it. I'd tell her she made her bed and asserted her 'dominance' and I'd never forget it.
That math isn’t mathing
Op i can’t believe all the vitriol you’re getting, please ignore them and know that the majority of people think she’s out of order. It really wouldn’t have been difficult for her to just pick a different date. 21st is a milestone even in the UK. My daughters had a family meal with everyone earlier on (about 18 of us) and also went out with their friends another day. Your birthday is the Saturday, why would you celebrate it on a different date? If you celebrated it on the Sunday, everyone would have to book Monday off which is probably not possible. If you’d celebrated it on the Friday, you’d probably have been in no fit state to scrub up for a wedding. Your sister should’ve told her fiancé that that date didn’t work
Your 21st is the most important birthday in America at least. Because you’re officially an adult, officially allowed to drink.
And you gave your sister ages to change the date. SHE could’ve made her wedding the Sunday quite easily. But, no, it had to be your birthday.
NTA
You have every right to say no. There is no set in stone rule that you have to attend.
If they keep pushing, tell them you’ll go to her next wedding, unless she sets it for your 40th birthday. That should piss them off enough to leave you alone.
Or, alternatively, show them the responses to your post here, and how everybody thinks they’re arseholes for expecting you to not have a 21st so your sister can steal your important day.
My first husband and inwanted to get married on our anniversary, which just happened to be my siblings birthday. My sibling and I aren't close at all. There's a 13 year age difference and we hadn't lived in the same state for 15 years at that point. Know what my husband and I did? We got married the week before because the venue didn't have the weekend after available. If we were willing to do that for a sibling who at that point I hadn't even seen in person for 5 years and barely talked to, your sister should have seen what was available the rest of the month and if that was the only date available at the venue, should have considered another venue, and at the bare minimum talked to you about it whike apologizing profusely. The fact that your parents didn't object from the get go, shows that she is the golden child and you aren't as important as she is to them. My heart hurts for you. I hope your friends show up and give you the attention you deserve for your 21st birthday. On my 21st birthday, my mom planned a party for me at a bar, invited all of my friends and her friends too. Well, her friends mostly because they had more money than my friends did so they could buy me drinks the entire night. Lol
Nta. Especially your 21st.
Happy birthday for the 1st June.
Personally I would go to the ceremony and then bail on the reception to celebrate my birthday.
That said your sister is a dick for selecting your birthday for her wedding, there are 52 Saturdays in a year, surely she could have chosen any of them! It’s not like you’re just an acquaintance who happens to be invited your her brother, she knows what she did.
Honestly, if I was you I would go to the wedding and joking pretend, that it was your birthday party. Tell guest things like "oh thank you for coming to my birthday party" and "I can't believe my sister throw me such a kick ass party". Even treat the wedding ceremony as a performance, like a magic show or something.
You'll get other birthdays, your not gonna get as many chances to go to your sisters wedding.
NTA. For a wedding, I feel like you make sure the closest people around you can attend, like your parents and siblings. I couldn't imagine booking for my sibling's 21st birthday that falls on a Saturday. She should have said it wouldn't work, just as other dates wouldn't work for his family. She was willing to accommodate them, so why not her own brother's. Apparently, it's more important to work around her fiance's relatives. Celebrate your birthday. I'm guessing you two aren't close if it didn't even occur to her that this was a big birthday, or she's just selfish usually.
NTA, I would be really upset if either of my kids chose a date that was important to their sibling for their wedding.
YTA. You expected her to move her entire wedding (do you have any idea what it takes to put together a wedding?!) because it was on your birthday? For someone who is celebrating being even more Grown in the eyes of the law, you sure are being extremely childish. Part of being an adult is accepting that the world doesn't stop because it's your birthday. Sometimes (often) life happens, and you don't always get to celebrate your birthday ON your birthday. I'm sure if your birthday were on a Wednesday this year, the wedding would have been a different day. They didn't plan their wedding on your birthday AT you.
Does it suck that you'll be spending your official 21st birthday at your sister's wedding? Maybe? But also, no reason you can't celebrate with your friends another day. You can also get sloshed (for free) at the wedding, and go out with your friends afterwards.
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16d
Wait if you only day off is a Tuesday and you're celebrating on a Saturday, doesn't that mean you had to take Saturday off? You couldn't take one more day off and celebrate on Friday and then go to a wedding on Saturday?
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16d
So you could take one day off into order to have a birthday celebration on Friday and attend your sisters wedding on Saturday?
"You expected her to move her entire wedding [...] because it was on your birthday?"
bro she SHOULDN'T EVEN PLAN WEDDING ON THAT DATE, this was made F-ING 1 YEAR AGO, SHE HAD PLENTY OF TIME TO FIND BETTER DATE, she is his sister, she damn well knew when his birthday is
"Part of being an adult is accepting that the world doesn't stop because it's your birthday" he doesn't demand to cancel the wedding or to move it, he only said she had plenty of time to change the date, also part of being and adult it to plan things responsibly, for a family birthday is a certain someone day, he have full right to want to spend HIS day how he f-ing wants, if he not necessary want HIS day to be SOMEONE ELSE'S day that's damn fair
sure she didn't did that out of malice, if i was in his situation i would go for the wedding, but he have a damn right to not want to
also about "Part of being an adult is accepting that the world doesn't stop because it's your birthday.", world doesn't stop because it's her wedding too
Love how your autocorrect turned wedding into weeding. I can't help but read that in a Scottish accent and it's cracking me up 😂
it's actually not autocorrect, it's just that en is my second language lol already edited
She wouldn’t have had to ‘move her entire wedding’ if she’d just picked a different date from the start. Fiancé: ‘how about this date?’ Sister: ‘no can do, it’s my brother’s 21st so we’ll be celebrating that, pick another date’. How easy is that?
NTA. I'd even question her excuse regarding 'all the kids' school finishing school - that might be true for his family's immediate children, but what about guests?
As for your parents, ask them what they intend to do for your 21st. I get why they want everyone to get along, but they need to butt out as they'll have had a chance to point out the issue to her too.
NTA but your sister is.
They could have picked any date but they choose that one ? She’s pandering to her husbands family rather than actually saying it any brothers birthday - do we really want our anniversary on that day.
NTA...Who the fuck plans their wedding on their siblings birthday? Clearly your family celebrates birthdays, or it wouldn't matter to you. If her fiance suggested that date the response of a mature, loving sibling would be, "That date won't work, that's my siblings birthday." She should have picked a different date...what. a. jerk.
NTA common courtesy when picking a wedding date is to avoid special occasion dates for close family and friends unless there's a specific reason.
My brother and SIL got married the day before my mother's birthday, because they wanted early that month, that weekend worked, and they had the decency not to schedule it on her birthday.
Your sister had a almost an entire year to pick a different date and she didn't, these are the consequences, and she needs to face them. I would never expect someone to give up a milestone birthday for my wedding, or any other major celebration.
Enjoy your birthday, and let your family be as angry as they want, they did this to themselves. If it was so important that you be there, they wouldn't have scheduled it on your birthday.
You are correct. It’s not just about her wedding. Like scheduling the kings coronation on Archie’s birthday. They want to erase him. The nerve of your sister. Always make a big deal for your birthday.
NTA, you go a celebrate your birthday, you sister is a selfish girl, and I cannot believe that she would do something so stupid.
If it was a 20th bday I would say differently but 21 is a huge birthday. You only get one. Not sure how they didn’t think you would want to go bananas on your 21st
Update us after June 1st!
NTA
NTA Your sister and her fiancé had 366 days to choose from in 2024. There was no reason for her to choose your 21sr birthday.
As someone whose birthday is in the middle of the summer, NTA.
I remember attending at least 3 weddings on my birthday when I was a kid. I didn’t like it and I don’t attend weddings on my birthday anymore. I don’t even really like weddings so I might be biased.
You made it clear to your sister you won’t attend it if it’s on your birthday. She just doesn’t want to deal with the consequences of her choice. It’s not like there’s 1 day the kids will be out of the school. Maybe your BIL doesn’t really like you.
NTA i guess. I don't understand why birthdays are so important to people. It's just a day, who gives a shit? But if it's important to you, then celebrate it. If sister really wanted you there she would have changed the date when she had the chance. If she couldn't change the date then oh well.
Feel like I’m taking crazy pills reading this thread and replies. YTA and that’s super obvious. Grow up.
Look… a family friend’s wedding ended up on my 16th birthday which was not only my sweet 16 but golden birthday. They told me before everyone else because it was the only date he would be home from deployment that the venue they wanted was available. They weren’t even my family (but extremely close) and apologized and said they understood if I couldn’t come.
I went, I had already planned my party for the day before because it worked better for my work/school/tutoring schedule. They literally had their baker make me a special tiny cake and gave a special item to me because they knew it was a big deal to me.
I can’t imagine my sibling not even apologizing or doing something special for their sibling if that was literally the only day available. “I am really sorry this was the only day our officiant, venue and caterer had, how can I make it special for you? I understand if you don’t want to stay the entire time but could you come for this part?”
This has been your birthday for over 20 years so like.. at least, your sister could acknowledge that it’s weird yo get married on a siblings birthday.