I've been struggling with NC lately and I've been trying to remind myself why I'm doing it. I was remembering when I was about 10-11 years old when she ignored me for several weeks. I really believed for the longest time, up until recently, that I somehow deserved that for not cleaning right or not behaving like the perfect little girl she wanted me to be. Now that my kids are entering that age I'm just so broken for my younger self for having to go through the emotional abuse. I remember trying so hard to clean up my room to her standards, hiding away in my room to be out of her way, staying so quiet so maybe she'd notice I was being the person she wanted in hopes she'd like me again, so I can stop feeling the animosity in the house. Dinner time we were all to sit at the table as a family, but if I even tried to speak, you could feel the room go cold because she was trying so hard to ignore my existence, so I'd stay quiet, as they all acted like a happy family in front of me. At one point during this ordeal, she went out for a date night with my dad. As they were saying their goodbyes to my brothers I grew the courage to step out of the shadows to simply tell her she looked beautiful. She turned to me and told me I was just sucking up to her. I stood their shocked as they turned and left me there with my mouth agape. How could a mom be so cruel? Why did my Dad think that was okay? I ran to my room and cried myself to sleep that night. Wondering the same thought I still wonder now. What did I do to deserve this?