I saw your comment about EMDR & single event trauma - that wasn't true for me. I had several things from my childhood to work through, things that had happened years apart and EMDR helped me with a lot of them. What you wrote about being in replay mode totally resonates with me, I felt that way too.

I also hear you about therapists that don't seem very skilled. I dealt with that too. My requirement for a therapist is that they have to have some lived experience with trauma and EMDR. I don't need to know what they went through, but I need to know that they can relate. Therapists who 'just want to help people' have never been helpful for me, and I feel even more alone after I deal with them because they seem traumatized by what I share and/or really don't seem like they have relevant life experience to draw on.

I was shocked at how helpful EMDR was for me, I hope you are able to have that, and if not, that you come here for more support. We've all been there and want to help each other.

I relate to the mental health aspect of your story. Drinking is SO BAD for my mental health (I have PTSD) and it's one of the worst things I can do, yet there I was night after night, decade after decade. Proud of you for doing something positive for your mental health today! IWNDWYT.

I was massively in denial when I was drinking: denial about how much I was drinking, how much a problem alcohol was creating in my life, and denial about having a problem (even after taking mulitple quizzes showing that I did not have a healthy relationship with alcohol).

For me I have to be really careful about who I spend time around, how I'm doing with my feelings, and spending time in situations where alcohol is served. I can't keep alcohol in my house and I don't think I could successfully date someone who drinks without causing a relapse. Even knowing all that I know, for me it would take one moment of weakness, to have the 'fuck-its' & ruin the sobriety I've worked so hard to get. Booze is so easy to get and so socially acceptable, it'd be really easy for me to relapse even now. I care enough about my life to not do it, but if something hit me hard emotionally? I can't promise what I'd do, but I hope I'd make the right decision. It's scary though, I'm afraid of alcohol and do everything I can now to avoid it. IWNDWYT.

He told me that HE deserved better. Which made me feel like the worst person in the world. My deepest fear is that I’m a horrible unloveable person and his comment made me feel like it was true.  There were times that I let him down, and there were times when he let down. I would never say that to him(even though I can see that it’s true) but he had no problem saying it to me. It was my worst fear & he had no problem telling me I was shitty. (I didn’t cheat or do anything like that). He wanted more support from me when his dad was sick. I truly didn’t know how to support him, I did what I could (brought meals, sat with his dad) but ultimately he ended things.  I think part of him felt guilty that he didn’t do more with his dad before he got sick. Obviously he wasn’t that into me and I was a target. I’ve been carrying the guilt and pain of feeling like a shitty person ever since then. 

Edit: my parents were not great & I’ve always feared turning into them. Him saying”he deserved better” confirmed my fear that I was just as emotionally unavailable as them. 

His dad told me I was a good person (on his deathbed) and his mom stayed friends with me after the breakup. That helped me feel better, that she thought he was taking his grief out on me. But man, that one sentence has fucked me up & made me afraid that I’m failing people all the time. Looking for a therapist because this took my mental health down a dark path ever since he said it. 

Thanks for this. I know realistically that it's over, and that all the changes I'm making are not compatible with who he is, who we were. I feel insane for not getting over this more easily, it helps me to read your story. Congrats on your progress, moving forward is tough! :)

EMDR helped me a LOT with flashbacks. Prior to EMDR I was working a low paying job, I cried all the time and was all around emotionally unstable. I knew I was smart, but felt like a loser, like I was hobbled by my symptoms and stuck just barely surviving. I hadn't been diagnosed with PTSD so I didn't know why I seemed to struggle so much when others seemed to 'do life' with much less difficulty (ie going to college/having relationships etc). I was definitely not thriving, I was barely surviving.

Once I had EMDR (every week for a few years), I decided to finally finish my degree (at age 42) and went back to school. After that I was able to switch jobs, and I've been at my new job for the last 6 years. I truly don't think that growth/change would have been possible without trauma therapy/EMDR.

I left therapy when I switched jobs and did not connect with a new therapist when I started my new job, and as such I've been out of therapy for six years. That hasn't been a good move for me - I went through a lot of trauma in '22 & '23, and my symptoms have come back, having been triggered by the more recent things that happened.

Long story short, I definitely found relief, it was amazing to have that period of time when I felt 'free', more normal, and like I was a real person again. I think I'll get back to it. I guess I'm saying all that to say that I think healing is possible, and that I made the mistake of not continuing to tend to my self-care by prioritizing finding a new therapist/EMDR practitioner and work through the bump in the road that has currently gotten me off track.

For context my 'ACEs' score is 9, not to go into detail but I too, went through a lot as a kid - it's so isolating too, it's hard to connect with people. I was that person who would inadvertently trauma-dump and not realize how horrified others were until I saw the looks on their faces. C-PTSD sucks. I think this community is great and I can't say enough about how EMDR helped me. I went from feeling truly haunted by the past to "OH! This is what normal people feel like". It was wild to get to that point. Now I'm semi-haunted but hopeful to get into a more positive space again. sorry so long! I probably needed to read this myself, so I hope this is a bit useful to you. :)

Sure, I attend ASCA online. It’s “adult survivors of child abuse”, they have a whole website/directory of meetings. It didn’t happen automatically but I can tell that I feel less “different” after attending weekly meetings for the last few months.  I was pretty skeptical but somehow it’s helping me feel more connected to humanity at large, which is something Ive struggled with my whole life. 

Absolutely. One thing that's helped me with that is attending support groups (online). I attend AA & a support group for people who were abused as children (ASCA). It's weird, just being in those groups has really helped me feel less alone and 'different'. I've always felt just different from others based on what I went through, and the support groups have been a big part of helping me feel like I'm part of something. I didn't expect it AT ALL.

It gets better. It helps me to remember that alcohol is a drug, and we develop dependencies to it (both emotional and physical). For me it's taken a long time to set up my life in such a way that alcohol was not the center, and in such a way that I didn't miss alcohol.

I don't know about you, but I prioritized booze over pretty much everything. The beginning months of sobriety were really hard for me. Now I'm seeing a lot of the benefits and I'm going to do everything I can to keep my sobriety date. It helped me a lot to have support. I enjoy AA but I know it's not for everyone, it helps to keep me focused on the why, and to talk to others who are where I've been, and in some cases are where I never want to be. I don't think you are a loser or a coward. I do think you've been given the gift of sobriety that doesn't seem like a gift. That's how it was for me anyway, my sobriety came out of bad circumstances and I felt resentful, angry and not sure how to be sober. It does get better, it's a new chapter of life. IWNDWYT.

For me I can stay off alcohol without AA, or at least I was able to do it for the first year I was sober. I've been going to AA 2x a week for about 5 months now, and I do not have a sponsor (though I've thought about it). AA for me was helpful in showing me that I was not alone, and for helping me reconsider my thinking patterns. I'm not religious but I've always believed that there's 'something bigger' than us out there, but I don't believe in "God" in a traditional way.

So i guess I'm both: I did my first year without AA but started going to meetings because I felt really isolated trying to quit on my own. The biggest surprise for me was how much I related to a lot of the stories that were shared. I have a lot of shame, and seeing other 'normal seeming' people talk about really hard things has absolutely helped me. I hope you find some solutions that work for you, whether that involves AA or anything else. IWNDWYT. :)

I relate to the isolating and the subsequent re-engagement with life. I go to stuff solo, with friends, I just go places. People seem more open to me in sobriety. Friendlier maybe? Maybe I just seem healthier and give off that vibe, I dunno. But my social life seems better than it was when I was drinking in terms of having stuff to do and people to do it with. IWNDWYT.

Thank you so much!! :)

AA helps me a lot, I attend women-only groups and it's been super helpful. I'm not that person who can just stop either, you are not alone there. I'm also really careful about my social circumstances. I don't go to things that are booze-centric, and I don't meet up with people for happy hour/wine tasting etc. I put myself first now & for me that means boundaries, both with other people AND myself (which I didn't know I needed more of).

I relate to the shame and mortification of my behavior when I drank. I was sad about quitting too. One thing I realized is that I had unwittingly made booze more important than PEOPLE. Booze was my best friend, my confidante, my ride or die. I invested in booze over everything else, I'm not proud of it, and I wasn't even very aware of it (yikes). I wasn't expecting to grieve the loss of that, but I had to grieve that loss. I hope you find some suggestions here that help! IWNDWYT.

I've been sober for over a year now, before that I drank every day (except when I was trying to quit) for the last 30 years. Alcohol was my solution to EVERYTHING. In my experience it takes time to figure other things to relax. For me it is:

-going for walks

-connecting with people

-therapy

-AA

-support group for people who were abused as kids

-bike riding/yoga

Long story short, alcohol in the long run hasn't helped my mental health, but quitting drinking has helped me a lot (as much as I resisted quitting for a long time). :)

I hope you let go of that hope ASAP. I've dated abusive people & this is part of their playbook. The only thing I regret is giving people as much of my time as I did. This man deceived you and now he's trying to manipulate you & make you feel bad for 'not giving us a fair chance'. It's such a classic move by people like this.

I tried to forgive and forget and just couldn't get past it. Ultimately I just wasted my time trying to be OK with things that I shouldn't have ever been okay with, such as verbal abuse, put downs and aggressive behavior in the home (silent treatment, door slamming etc). I hung on to the 'mask' of who he was, and boy was that a mistake. He dumped me once he realized I wasn't going to pay for him and that was such a blessing in disguise. I hope you get out. Life is too short to be tied to these jerks.

Mine are visual and visceral: I have specific images/events that pop into my head at unwanted times - I'm reliving something bad that happened in the past, and all the bad feelings that go along with it. It's not me consciously thinking about something, it's me say, washing the dishes, and then all of a sudden I'm basically time-travelling and reliving the old stuff. It's horrible, EMDR has helped a lot with those flashbacks. I never felt in control, like I could get emotionally hijacked at any time/any place and not be able to stop it. It was super frustrating and I'm so grateful to EMDR for helping me with this.

I bought myself flowers and Peanut Butter Halo Top to celebrate MEEEEEEEE! :)

I can totally relate to that. Now I try to 'play it cool' but on the inside my little black heart glows bright red at the kindness. :)

It's still a work in progress for me - I tried to quit probably 10 times before I got any solid time under my belt. I'd have a sober weekend, then drink. Then a sober week, then drink. Then a sober couple weeks, then drink. It took me several tries just to get to 90 days. And still I did not think I had a problem with alcohol, which seems almost funny to me now because CLEARLY I had a problem.

I really like AA once I found a couple meetings that resonated with me (many did not) but I know it's not for everyone. I had a craving just yesterday, not one that I'd act on but it was just a longing to be drunk. I think the difference now is that I'm tired of negotiating with alcohol & tired of the rollercoaster ride that drinking ultimately was for me. I had to really feel 'done' before I got any real time under my belt. And now I'm working on the emotional stuff behind the booze so it feels like a different part of the journey. IWNDWYT.

You are not alone in this. I say it but I tend to go with funny cards if I send one and keep it light.

Same, both parents are problematic, I'm grateful to have survived my childhood & have gotten this far. Taylor Tomlinson has a great joke about trying to pick out a Father's Day card for her dad and how you can only pick the funny ones because the sentimental/touching ones are clearly off the mark.

That's amazing! God how often has the message been "don't feel that way". Love this!

I hear you on that. I used to cry every time I went to the doctor, the kindness and sense that they would help me was too much. I write 'trauma related crying' on my intake forms at doctor offices so not to be surprised if I get emotional during a routine visit. Now that I've had a ton of EMDR I only sometimes cry, so that's felt positive.

Same here, even recognizing my needs is tough, I always felt like I was just sort of orbiting someone else's needs/motivations etc. LIke I existed sort of as their puppet/not as my own person.

Agreed, it is powerful how healing the right kind of attention can be. Those who offer it are like angels in my world, they have no idea how meaningful it is. :)