Here’s some advice to help get over a bad breakup

For background I went through a pretty rough breakup almost 5 years ago and did religiously post and check on this subreddit during that time. A lot of time has passed since then I feel it’s time to pay my gratitude and help those who are currently experiencing that same pain.

Now I’ll first start by quickly summarising my story. Of course I was the one who was dumped in this relationship. I truly loved her dearly and wanted nothing more than for us to get back together. I was pretty much blindsided with the break up and looking back I don’t believe I was treated adequately by her either. She did offer the unfortunate downgrade of staying friends which I do not recommend agreeing to at all. I spent months wishing for her to text me wanting to get back together. I would wake up everyday hoping for this moment. 9 months later, surprise, surprise she’s finally returned and she wants me back and regrets her decision! I did make an attempt to try reconcile what we had but the reality is the trust is so far gone that I couldn’t be myself around her again. I ended things between us and we have not spoken since. If they actually do come back it really isn’t the happy moment you think it’s going to be. I didn’t know how to feel and honestly I went numb when I received her initial text. All I want you to know is getting back together isn’t something you should be wishing for. I can tell you genuinely I didn’t feel safe around her.

Now even after all this it still took me more than 2 years to get over her. What actually did help me was realising I felt so rejected after she broke up with me that I began to reject myself. I changed so much after we broke up and I became a different person altogether. I got a higher paying job, worked on my looks and on paper I should be happy right? I was more depressed than ever. Instead of accepting and loving myself I spent the next few years becoming the man she wanted. That’s what took me so long to get over her. I eventually started being myself and engaging in activities that I enjoyed as a child. I tried finding myself again but let me tell you after some time you really do forget who you are.

This is my word of advice, don’t let the rejection change who you are. Be you and learn to love and appreciate yourself. You’re an amazing person and you deserve all the love this world has to offer, don’t ever forget that!

in BreakUpsby kssnddbbde

97%

14d

SilverSusan13

14d

Thanks for this. I know realistically that it's over, and that all the changes I'm making are not compatible with who he is, who we were. I feel insane for not getting over this more easily, it helps me to read your story. Congrats on your progress, moving forward is tough! :)

Expensive_Daikon_648

14d

Feel every word you said. It's been only a few days but I feel like I wont find anyone else...

JustViewingHere19

14d

Thank you for this..

Glad you got yourself back! Congratulations!! You finally did it!

lookoutsunshine_

14d

Thanks for this. I've been feeling like there's something wrong with me because it's been months since the breakup and I'm still not over it. I guess I need to find myself.

Admirable_Fault6973

14d

Thank you for your inspiration. I feel better reading your story.

Mveli2pac

14d

I thought I was pretty damn good to her. I'm not saying I was the best boyfriend ever, but I did and did for her and her son. Regardless, she left me and got with someone in no time. Here, I am 20 months later and still have no one. All I know she is still with that guy, and I can't find one person to give me a date, let alone a relationship. So where's the problem? It has to be me. She didn't want me anymore, and no one else does either.

weebrew

14d

Thanks for this.

Questionszszsz

14d

Did she date anyone else during that time?

kssnddbbde

14d

I have no clue whether she got serious with someone or not whilst we were apart. I never asked what she did during our time away. But realistically she probably did try dating other people at the absolute minimum.

tigrilaur

14d

Exactly what I needed to read right now, in this moment. Thank you for paying it forward!

[deleted]

14d

From my perspective as the one who ended the relationship, it's been a month since my ex and I broke up, and I deeply regret my actions. While I didn't cheat, my avoidant attachment style caused me to push him away despite his efforts to salvage our relationship. Now that I'm seeking help and gaining clarity through therapy. I want to ask for your opinion. I know you can't speak for him, but do you think he would appreciate it more if I apologized and tried to fight for our love, regardless of the outcome? I just want to show him that he’s worth fighting for.

kssnddbbde

13d

Hi there. Luckily I was on this receiving end of this and bear in mind I’m not your ex partner so take what I say with a grain of salt. Similarly my ex in this scenario was most likely avoidant as well. Inability to communicate her feelings and did not like things such as physical touch but tolerated it for me lol. I think when she blindsided me with the breakup she was getting overwhelmed with the relationship. She never fought for our relationship and I always wanted to know that she truly cared about me and did love me after we broke up. I think your ex would very much appreciate it but if you want it to work and if you really do plan to try again a second time, the both of you also need to work on yourselves. My ex was still her avoidant self when she came back and obviously 9 months after the break up I wasn’t going to tolerate this behaviour anymore. She would stonewall me during arguments and was very, very defensive when I tried expressing my feelings. I will say though even after 9 months I still think it was too soon for us to get back together. I wasn’t fully over the breakup and we both still needed to work on ourselves. You can definitely make it work and I don’t want to deter you from trying if this is what you really want. Every relationship is different and you only have one life. Do what you think is best. I can only share my experience and give advice based off of my situation where I believe that we weren’t going to get very far and her lack of effort is what ultimately pushed me away. Even when we reconnected it took her 2 months to tell me how she really felt. She also didn’t apologise for her actions and kind of dumped the whole idea of getting back together onto me and expected me to accept her with open arms and just forgive and forget and make it work without any assistance or support from her. If you do intend to message him be clear with him with what actions you plan to take to make it work again.

Fabulous_Data_5332

11d

I knew I had to work on myself and I’ve gone back to the old me for a while just having fun with heaps of different girls I’ve settled down now with a new partner whom I adore and couldn’t be happier when I think about what she did to me I just don’t care anymore I tried everything to win her back councelling etc etc but ya kno what I’m glad she’s gone if she wasn’t I wouldn’t be this happy